Cartman: You so much as TOUCH kitty’s ass, and I’ll put a firecracker in your nutsack and blow your balls all over your pants.
Stan: Jesus, Cartman.
Cartman: Well, I’m just sayn’, man, seriously, don’t mess with kitty, man.
Mr. Garrison:: How would you like to go see the school counselor?
Cartman: How would you like to suck my balls?
Mr. Garrison:: What did you just say?!
Cartman: Oh, I’m sorry (Clears throat and pulls out megaphone), actually what I said was, “How would you like to suck my balls, Mr. Garrison?”
Cartman: It’s a man’s obligation to stick his boneration in a women’s separation; this sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation.
Kyle: Wow! That’s a lot of seamen, Cartman.
Cartman: Yeah, I bought all that I could at this bank, and then I got the rest from this guy Ralph in an alley.
Stan: That’s cool.
Cartman: Yeah, and the sweet thing is, the stupid asshole didn’t even charge me money for it. He just made me close my eyes and suck on a hose.
Cartman: I’ve learned something, too: selling out is sweet because when you sell out, you get to make a lot of money, and when you have money, you don’t have to hang out with a bunch of poor asses like you guys. Screw you guys, I’m going home.
Mr. Garrison:: Does anyone know what sexual harassment means?
Cartman: When you are tying to have intercourse with a special lady friend and some other guy comes up and tickles your balls from behind.
Cartman: Mom–Kitty is being a dildo.
Mrs. Cartman: Well, I know a little kitty who is sleeping with Mommy tonight.
Cartman: I would never let a woman kick my ass. If she tried something, I’d be like, HEY! You get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!
Cartman: Why is it that everything today has to do with things either going in or coming out of my ass?
Stan: I don’t want to shoot the bunny.
Uncle Jimbo: No nephew of mine is going to be a tree hugger.
Cartman: Yeah, hippie. Go back to Woodstock if you don’t wnat to shoot anything.
Chief Running Water: Your mother is what we Indians call, ‘Bear With Wide Canyon.’
Cartman: What do you mean?
CRW: She is ‘Doe Who Cannot Keep Legs Together.’
Cartman: Huh?
CRW: Your mom’s a slut.
Cartman: Handle it? For two billion dollars I could handle my Grandpa’s balls dude.
Cartman: Butters will give hand jobs in the corner for a dollar.
Butters: Sure! I’m good at all kinds of jobs.
Cartman: Respect My Authority!
Cartman: The poor kid passes it to the Jew, the Jew shoots. He misses! Proving once and for all that Jews cannot play hockey!
Kyle: Shut up Cartman! Your body is bigger than the goal!
Cartman: No, I just have a sweet hockey body.
Mr. Garrison:: Who was in charge of the feminist movement of the early ’60’s?
Cartman: A bunch of fat old skanks on their periods.
Mr. Garrison:: Right. But who was the fattest, oldest skank on her period?
Kyle: Cartman, you have such a fat ass, that when people walk down the street they go, ‘God damn, that’s a big, fat ass.’
Cartman: No, they don’t, you jealous weakling.
Passing Man: God damn, that’s a big fat ass.
Cartman: If some girl tried to kick my ass, I’d be like, ‘Hey. Why don’t you stop … dressing me like a mailman … uh, and making me dance for you … while you go and … smoke crack in your bedroom … and have sex with … some guy … I don’t even know. On my dad’s bed.
Stan: Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?
Cartman: I’m just saying you’re just a little wuss, that’s all.
Cartman: Well, I’ve been lickin’ this carpet for 3 whole hours and I don’t feel like a lesbian.
Cartman: Well, I looked in my mom’s closet and saw what I was getting for Christmas, an UltraVibe Pleasure 2000.
Cartman: You have rats in your house, too, Kenny?
Kenny: Mm-hm.
Cartman: Seriously, you better stop being so poor or else I’m gonna start huckin’ rocks at you.
Cartman: Okay, Token, give me a sweet bass line.
Token: I don’t know how to play the bass.
Cartman: Token, how many times do we have to go over this? You’re black. You can play the bass.
Token: I’m really tired of your racist views on this.
Cartman: Well then, get tired of them after you give me a bass line!
Token: (Plays the bass expertly) Oh, Goddammit.
Stan: The note (from Wendy) says to meet her at Stark’s Pond after school.
Kyle: Whoa, maybe you can kiss her.
Cartman: Or slip a little tongue.
Kenny: [mumbles] Or slide a finger up her pussy.
Kyle: I didn’t know she had a cat.
Cartman: Speaking of pounding ass, here come’s Stan’s little homo dog.
Cartman: I hate hippies! I mean, the way they always talk about “protectin’ the earth” and then drive around in cars that get poor gas mileage and wear those stupid bracelets – I hate ’em! I wanna kick ’em in the nuts!
Cartman: Alright. Look. I didn’t want to have to say this, but I think maybe we’re not seeing heaven because one of us doesn’t believe in it enough.
Kyle: Huh?
Cartman: Heaven could be like the pixie fairies of Bubblegum Forest. You only see them if you really believe in them.
Stan: What?
Cartman: You know, maybe we’re not seeing heaven because one of us is a J-O-O.
Kyle: What does me being a Jew have to do with anything?
Cartman: Now stop wasting Mel Gibson’s time, you little pussy prick.
Stan: Don’t take that tone with me, kid. I’ll kick your ass.
Cartman: Yah. Well, I’d like to see you try. I’m, like, 6 feet tall.
Stan: Yah. Well, you sound like a little bitch to me.
Cartman: Bitch! Don’t call me bitch, bitch!
Stan: Bring it on then, bitch!
Cartman: I already brung it, bitch. I brung it, opened it, and set it on the table, bitch.
Cartman: It’s an Afghanistan goat, so it can’t stay here, or else it’ll choke on the sweet air of freedom.
Cartman: Maury, I am out of control. Yeah, I use drugs. I can do what I waunt, biatch! Yeah, I have sex, and I don’t use protection! It’s my hot body; I’ll do what I waunt! I don’t go to school and I kill people! What-evah! I’ll do what I waunt!
Cartman: Hippies.They’re everywhere. They wanna save the earth, but all they do is smoke pot and smell bad.