“Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything,
Kent. 14% of people know that.”
“Don’t worry, son. I’m sure he’s up in heaven right now laughing
it up with all the other celebrities: John Dilinger, Ty Cobb, Joseph
Stalin.” (on death of cat).
“And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides,
every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of
my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and
I forgot how to drive?”
“I won’t sleep in the same bed with a woman who thinks I’m
lazy! I’m going right downstairs, unfold the couch, unroll the sleeping
ba- uh, goodnight.”
“It’s like something out of that twilighty show about that
zone.”
“Yes, honey…Just squeeze your rage up into a bitter little
ball and release it at an appropriate time, like that day I hit
the referee with the whiskey bottle.”
“OK, son. Just remember to have fun out there today, and
if you lose, I’LL KILL YOU!”
“Me lose brain? Uh, oh! Ha ha ha! Why I laugh?”
“Kids, kids. As far as Daddy’s concerned, you’re both potential
murderers.”
“No! No no no no no no! Well, yes.”
“Ah, beer, my one weakness. My achilles heel, if you will.”
“Well, I’m tired of being a wannabe league bowler. I wanna
be a league bowler!”
“They have the Internet on computers, now?”
“Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything
that’s even remotely true!”
“When I look at the smiles on all the children’s faces,,…I
just know they’re about to jab me with something.”
“Son, this is the only time I’m ever gonna say this. It is
not okay to lose.”
“Well you know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women.
You just have to read the manual and press the right button.”
“If something is to hard to do, then it’s not worth doing.
“Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You”
“All right, let’s not panic. I’ll make the money by selling
one of my livers. I can get by with one.”
“Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me
the woman – and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally
wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort
thing.”
“Operator! Give me the number for 911!”
“Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?”
“Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn’t,
it’s that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling
and foxy boxing and such and such.”
“Aw, Dad, you’ve done a lot of great things, but you’re a
very old man, and old people are useless.”
“It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child,
but somehow I managed to squeeze in 8 hours of TV a day.”
“Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you’re
prejudiced against all races.”
“Here’s to alcohol: the source of, and answer to, all of
life’s problems.”
“I’m having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to
not going to Church!”
“If this were really a nuclear war we’d all be dead meat
by now.”