Category: Corporate humor

1. The guy was all over the road.  I had to swerve several times before I hit him.
2. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.
3. The other car collided with mine without giving me warning of its intention.
4. I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
5. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
6. In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
7. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
8. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother in law and headed over the embankment.
9. I had been shopping for a plant all day and was on my way home.  As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
10. I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
11. As I approached the intersection a sign appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before.  I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
12. I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident and damage my big end.
13. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run.  So I ran over him.
14. I saw a slow moving, sad faced, old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
15. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
16. My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
17. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
18. I told the police that I was injured, but on removing my hat I found that I had a fractured skull.
19. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
20. The telephone pole was approaching.  I was attempting to swerve out the way when I struck the front end.
21. The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.
22. I knocked over a man, he admitted it was his fault as he’d been knocked over before.
23. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
24. I was thrown from my car as it left the road.  I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

Deer Sur,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job I seen in the paper. I can type real kwik wit one finggar and do sum Acounting 2.

I think I am good on the fone and I am a pepole person. Pepole really seam to respond good to me.

Im lookin for a jobb as a secritary but it kant be 2 complikaited

My spelling is not 2 good but find that I awfin get a job Bcuz of my persinalety.

My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am wurth,

I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse 4 yore anser.

Hopifuly I M Yore best aplicant so phar.

Sinseerly,

Peggy May McBiggins

PS : I half includeded a pickture of me B low.

Employer’s response:

Dear Peggy May,

It’s OK, we have spell check.

A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.

Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.

Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.

Candidate announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewers office.

Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer.

Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.

Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece.

Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.

Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.

Candidate brought large dog to interview.

Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.

Candidate dozed off during interview.

The employers were also asked to list the “most unusual” questions that have been asked by job candidates.

“What is it that you people do at this company?”

“What is the company motto?”

“Why aren’t you in a more interesting business?”

“What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?”

“Why do you want references?”

“Do I have to dress for the next interview?”

“I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?”

“Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?”

“Will the company pay to relocate my horse?”

“Does your health insurance cover pets?”

“Would it be a problem if I’m angry most of the time?”

“Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?”

“Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?”

“Why am I here?”

Also included are a number of unusual statement made by candidates during the interview process…

I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement.

At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking.

I feel uneasy indoors.

Sometimes I feel like smashing things.

Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars.

I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington.

I get excited very easily.

Once a week, I usually feel hot all over.

I am fascinated by fire.

I like tall women.

Whenever a man is with a woman he is usually thinking about sex.

People are always watching me.

If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back.

Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct.

I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker.

I never get hungry.

I know who is responsible for most of my troubles

If the pay was right, I’d travel with the carnival.

I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me.

My legs are really hairy.

I think I’m going to throw-up.

1. Your boss is always yelling, “I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!”

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. “I’d love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants.”

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

5. You want to see if it’s like the dream.

6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add “Exotic Dancer” to your exaggerated resume.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they’ve seen where you keep them.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

9. Gives “bad hair day” a whole new meaning.

10. No one steals your chair.

CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD:

Leaps tall building in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a locomotive.
Is faster than a speeding bullet.
Walks on water.
Discusses policy with God.

PRESIDENT:

Leaps short buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a switch engine.
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water if the sea is calm.
Talks with God.

EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT:

Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.
Is faster than a speeding BB.
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool.
Talks with God if special request is approved.

VICE PRESIDENT:

Barely clears a Quonset hut.
Loses tug-of-war with a locomotive.
Can fire a speeding bullet.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God.

GENERAL MANAGER:

Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings.
Is run over by locomotive.
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury.
Dog paddles.
Talks to animals.

MANAGER:

Runs into buildings.
Recognizes locomotive two out of three times.
Is not issued ammunition.
Can’t stay afloat with a life preserver.
Talks to walls.

TRAINEE:

Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter building.
Says “look at the choo-choo”.
Wets him/herself with a water pistol.
Plays in mud puddles.
Mumbles to him/herself.

SECRETARY:

Lifts buildings and walks under them.
Kicks locomotives off the tracks.
Catches speeding bullets in his/her teeth.
Freezes water with a single glance.
Is God.

Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A. Although married people fax often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.

Q. How do I go about faxing a complete stranger?
A. Just ask them if they want to fax. If they do, they will give you their phone number.

Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young, and were only allowed to write memo’s to each other until they were 21. How old do you think someone should be before they can fax?
A. Faxing can be performed at any age once you learn the correct procedure.

Q. If I fax something to myself will I go blind?
A. Certainly not. As far as we can see.

Q. There is a place on our street where you can go and pay to fax. Is this legal?
A. Yes, many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a “professional” when their needs become too great.

Q. Should a cover always be used for faxing?
A. Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should always be used.

Q. What happens if I do the procedure incorrectly and fax prematurely?
A. Don’t panic. Many people fax prematurely when they haven’t faxed in a long time. Just start over, most people won’t mind if you try again.

Q. I have a personal and a business fax. Can transmissions become mixed up?
A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but so long as you use a cover with each one you won’t transmit anything you’re not supposed to.

Q. Is getting faxed by one person the same as with another?
A. No. Even though many people (especially lawyers) would like you to believe that the longer they are faxing you the better you will like it. In reality the best fax is short, of high quality, and very graphic.

Q. There is a man I’d very much like to fax (I’ve tried several times) but he can’t seem to keep his equipment up long enough. Is there any thing I can do to help him?
A. You could suggest that he contact a good fax therapist, such as Canon or Mitsubishi. If he refuses to take the suggestion, it would be best if you just wrote him off.

• Good Communication Skills – Spends lots of time on phone
• Average Employee – Not too bright
• Exceptionally Well Qualified – Made no major blunders yet
• Work Is First Priority – Too ugly to get a date
• Active Socially – Drinks a lot
• Family Is Active Socially – Spouse drinks, too
• Independent Worker – Nobody knows what he/she does
• Quick Thinking – Offers plausible excuses
• Careful Thinker – Won’t make a decision
• Aggressive – Obnoxious
• Uses Logic On Difficult Jobs – Gets someone else to do it
• Expresses Themselves Well – Speaks English
• Meticulous Attention To Detail – A nit picker
• Has Leadership Qualities – Is tall or has a loud voice
• Exceptionally Good Judgment – Lucky
• Keen Sense Of Humor – Knows a lot of dirty jokes
• Career Minded – Back Stabber
• Loyal – Can’t get a job anywhere else

Gross pay – $1222.02
Income Tax – 244.40
Outgo Tax – 45.21
State Tax – 11.61
Interstate Tax – 61.10
County Tax – 6.11
City Tax – 12.22
Rural Tax – 4.44
Back Tax – 1.11
Front Tax – 1.16
Side Tax – 1.61
Up Tax – 2.22
Down Tax – 1.11
Tic-Tacs – 1.98
Thumbtacks – 3.93
Carpet Tacks – 0.98
Stadium Tax – 0.69
Flat Tax – 8.32
Surtax – 3.46
Ma’am Tax – 2.60
Parking Fee – 5.00
No Pkg Fine – 10.00
F.I.C.A. – 81.88
T.G.I.F. Fund – 9.95
Life Ins. – 5.85
Health Ins. – 16.23
Disability – 2.50
Ability – 0.25
Liability Ins. – 3.41
Dental Ins. – 4.50
Mental Ins. – 4.33
Reassurance – 0.11
Coffee – 6.85
Coffee Cups – 66.51
Calendar – 3.06
Floor Rental – 16.85
Chair Rental – 0.32
Desk Rental – 4.32
Union Dues – 5.85
Union Don’ts – 3.77
Cash Advances – 0.69
Cash Retreats – 121.35
Overtime – 1.26
Undertime – 54.83
Eastern Time – 9.00
Central Time – 8.00
Mountain Time – 7.00
Pacific Time – 6.00
Bath Time – 4.44
Time Out – 12.21
Oxygen – 10.02
Water – 16.54
Heat – 51.42
Air – 46.83
Misc – 144.38

Take Home Pay: $0.02

1. I need to whip it out by 5.

2. Mind if I use your laptop?

3. Just stick it in my box.

4. If I have to lick one more, I’ll gag.

5. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!

6. Hmmm… I think it’s out of fluid.

7. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.

8. It’s an entry-level position.

9. When do you think you’ll be getting off today?

10. It’s not fair… I do all the work while he just sits there.

Dear Employee,

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.

SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel’s Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:

Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

Regards,

The Management