Slogans of different professions

On an Electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”

Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: “Best place in town to take a leak.”

In a Non-smoking area: “If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”

On Maternity Room door: “Push, Push, Push.”

At an Optometrist’s Office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

At a Car Dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”

Outside a Muffler Shop: “No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.”

Outside a Hotel: “Help! We need inn-experienced people.”

At an Auto Body Shop: “May we have the next dents?”

In a Dry Cleaner’s Emporium: “Drop your pants here.”

In a Veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

On a Music Teacher’s door: “Out Chopin.”

At the Electric Company: “We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be.”

On the side of a Garbage Truck: “We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.”

On the door of a Computer Store: “Out for a quick byte.”

In a Restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.”

Inside a Bowling Alley: “Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.”

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: “Drive carefully, we’ll wait.”

Corporate talk

“JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY”
We have no time to train you; you’ll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers.

“IMMEDIATE OPENING”
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We’re just now running the ad.

“PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS”
After 3 years, we’ll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave we’ll give you a 5 percent matching contribution. (“Maybe”)

“COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT”
We have a lot of turnover.

“EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT”
Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.

“JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM”
We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.

“MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED”
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day and a year by the end of your first week.

“FLEXIBLE HOURS”
Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.

“DUTIES WILL VARY”
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

“MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL”
We have no quality control.

“SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE”
You’ll need it to replace three people who just quit.

“PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST”
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

“REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS”
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

“GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS”
Management communicates, you listen, then try and figure out what they want and how to do it.

“ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD”
You whine, you’re fired.

Weird job interview answers

Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to described their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees:

* A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.

* Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to both the

interviewer and the music at the same time.

* Candidate fell and broke his arm.

* Candidate announced she had not had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger

and French fries in the interviewers’ office.

* Candidate explained that her long-term goals were to replace the interviewer.

* Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.

* Balding candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.

* Applicant said if he was hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having

the corporate logo tattooed to his forearm.

* Applicant interrupted the interview to phone her therapist for advice on how

to answer specific interview questions.

* Candidate brought large dog to interview.

* Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.

* Candidate dozed off during interview.