Because I’m a Guy

Because I’m a guy, I must hold the television remote control
in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced,
I’ll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was
able to survive by holding a calculator.

Because I’m a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will
fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions
that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has
set in. Oh, and when the car isn’t running very well, I will
pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m
looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to
the other, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now
with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know
where to start.” We will then drink beer.

Because I’m a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to
bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and
moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn’t an

Because I’m a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic
groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be
expected to find exotic items like “cumin” or “tofu.” For all
I know these are the same thing. And never, under any
circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which
“feminine hygiene product” is a euphemism.

Because I’m a guy, when one of our appliances stops working
I will insist on taking it apart — despite evidence that
this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person
gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I’m a guy, I don’t think we’re all that lost, and
no, I don’t think we should stop and ask someone. Why would
you listen to a complete stranger — how the heck could HE
know where we’re going?

Because I’m a guy, there is no need to ask me what I’m
thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football,
though I have to make up something else when you ask, so

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