65 Things to Do on a Long Airplane Ride

1. Fart loudly and act shocked, looking around to see who did it
2. Fiddle around with the emergency exit, then ask a fellow passenger if he has a crowbar
3. Hijack the cockpit and, over the loudspeaker, anounce that the first class passengers and luggage are to switch places
4.Run down the aisle screaming,”He’s got a bomb! He’s got a bomb!”
5. Go into the bathroom and make rude bodily noises, then come out looking refreshed
6. Fly into a rage whenever the word “Gallstone” is mentioned
7. “Accidental” soda spill on the dork next to you.
8. Go up to someone and ask loudly if they wouldn’t mind applying Preporation H to your hemrrhoids
9. Tap at the windows, saying “Looks pretty tough” then ask somone if they have a bat you could use to test.
10. Disco dance in the aisle
11. Mess up your hair, untuck your shirt, basically look crude, and mingle with a first class guy as if you were long-lost friends
12. Give someone a coin, saying “Heads, I detonate the bomb. Tails, I don’t”
13. Go into the bathroom, drop your pants, then come out, yelling “We’re out of toilet paper! Stewardess!”
14. Describe your sex life in great detail to the five-year-old next to you
15. Try to lead plane in song “Oh I wish I was an Oscar Myer Weiner”
16. Lead a revolt against the first class passengers
17. Attempt to promote Hinduism among passengers
18. Moon passing Delta planes
19. Lead a bible study session in the back of the plane
20. Start a hot dog stand
21. Steal businessman’s laptop, play solitaire on it
22. Pinch the stewardess’ butt as she passes
23. During the inflight movie, ask to share headphones with someone
24. When two people kiss in the film, belch real loud
25. When there’s any nudity, say “Hey! He/she must be real cold!”
26. Tell the person next to you your life story, from DNA to that afternoon
27. With the person next to you, discuss cannabilism among airline crash passengers on deserted islands
28. Remark that perhaps you shouldn’t have put superglue in your undies that morning
29. Pick your nose and pat the person next to you
30. No matter what the meal choices are, demand rice-a-roni
31. Show off your Batman underwear
32. Ask the guy next to you to hold your dentures (senior citizens only)
33. Switch accents and see if anyone notices
34. During the meal, loudly explain that on time you ate shark fin soup
and proceeded to puke all over the airplane, spewing chunks of shark on the other passengers
35. Sneak into the cockpit and hit the warning alarm
36. Explain how, one time, the plane was crashing and the oxygen masks didn’t come out, ’cause they aren’t really reliable, and that if the plane was to crash, everyone would die
37. Put on a ten foot diameter sombrero and slouch in your seat, whacking everyone on the head
38. Scratch your butt, then sniff your finger
39. Go into the cockpit, flick on the intercom light, then loudly inquire as to why the fuel dial says “e”
40. Go into the cockpit, ask the pilot in an obnoxious voice “Why do the call it the COCKpit?” then snort as if it’s the funniest thing in the world
41. Don’t use deoderant, then “accidently” stick your armpit in someone’s face
42. Sneeze, using somebody’s sleeve instead of your hand to cover it
43. Listen to James Brown on your Walkman, sing along (especially the
“Oooh Oooh” parts)
44. Snort when you laugh
45. Tell corny jokes and laugh like it’s absolutely hilarious, then expect others to do the same 46. Wear a hairpiece and switch it often, seeing if anyone notices
47. Sing that irritaing song that starts like this “I lost my car on the rooooooaaddd an’ I’m cryin’ over yooooouuuu….”
48. Recite all you can of the last Ann Landers column
49. Hum the Monty Python theme song
50. Act like a movie star
51. Scream and dive under your seat for no apparent reason
52. Ride carry-on luggage down the aisle, yelling “Yeee-ha!”
53. With a desperate look, ask the stewardess where the bathroom is, then look relieved and say “Nevermind. Do you have any towels?”
54. Whip out your kazoo and give first class a special entertainment show
55. Jump up and scream “AAAHHH!! I left the stove on!!”
56. Bring a microphone and act like Frank Sinatra
57. Ask someone for their autograph, pretending that you think they’re Kevin Costner or Goldie Hawn (This best when the person looks nothing like the movie star in question)
58. Start talking Korean
59. If someone has a bad toupee, whack it off
60. Pretend you’re flying the plane
61. With a fellow passenger, Re-enact the disco scene in “Airplane!”
62. Get some rub-on tattoos and a leather jacket, pretend that you belong
to a biker gang
63. Take over the plane with a toy gun
64. Yell to someone “Is it time to hijack the plane yet?” (Note: Do this when there are stewardesses there)
65. To the person next to you, say “It’s amazing that they didn’t notice the grenade in my luggage”.

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