Theory is if everyone knows it but nothing works. Practice is if everything works and no one knows why.
Companies combine theory and practice: Nothing works, and no one knows why!
Three
The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, “I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we’re going to be three in this house instead of two.”
Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.
He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, “I’m glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us.”
The Groom
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
“But, officer,” the man began, “I can explain”
“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”
“But, officer, I just wanted to say”
“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”
“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”
Unfaithful
A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one on the other’s behavior. When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress. “She slept with nearly every man on the ship,” his wife reported. The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife.
“She was a real lady,” his mistress said.
“How so?” the encouraged man asked.
“She came on board with her husband and never left his side.”
Men’s Advice to Women
Never buy a ‘new’ brand of beer because ‘it was on sale.’
If we’re in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn’t mean we’re not watching it.
Don’t tell anyone we can’t afford a new car. Tell them we don’t want one.
Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Please don’t drive when you’re not driving.
Don’t feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We’re just nodding, waiting for the punchline.
The quarterback who just got pummeled isn’t trying to be brave. He’s just not crying. Big difference!
When the waiter asks if everything’s okay, a simple ‘Yes’ is fine.
No Chance
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don’t work enough, you’re a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it’s exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it’s favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it’s equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it’s sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it’s male indifference.
If you cry, you’re a wimp.
If you don’t, you’re insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you’re a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she’s a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy, that’s domination.
If she asks you, it’s a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you’re vain.
If you don’t, you’re a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you’re after something.
If you don’t, you’re not thoughtful.
If you’re proud of your achievements, you’re an egoist.
If you’re not, you’re not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she’s tired.
If you have a headache, you don’t love her anymore.
The Most Successful
Four old married buddies are trading stories around the 19th hole. The first father says, “I was worried that my son was gonna be a loser because he started out as the lot boy at a local car dealership. But, as it turned out, he got a break, they made him a salesman and he was such a good salesman that he eventually bought his own dealership. In fact, he’s so successful that he just gave his best girl a new Mercedes for her birthday.”
The second father says, “I, too, was worried that my son was gonna be a loser too because he started out raking leaves for a realtor. But, as it turned out, he got a break, they made him a commissioned salesman and he was such a good salesman that he eventually bought the real estate firm. In fact, he’s so successful that he just gave his best girl a new house for her birthday!”
The third father says, “I, too, was worried that my son was gonna be a loser because he started out sweeping floors in a brokerage house. But, as it turned out, he got a break, they made him a broker and he was such a good salesman that he eventually bought the firm. In fact, he’s so successful that he just gave his best girl a million dollars worth of stock for her birthday!”
The fourth father just smiled. “Well, I, too, was worried that my son was gonna be a loser because he started out as a hairdresser. And he remains a hairdresser after all these years. And what’s worse, I just learned he’s gay, with several boyfriends.” The other fathers look at each other and shake their heads. But the fourth father continued, “Ah, but things could be worse.
He just had a birthday, and he tells me his boyfriends gave him a new Mercedes, a new house, and a million dollars worth of stock!”
College Laundry
My son was only 5 feet, 8 inches tall when he left for college in the fall. He worked through the Christmas holidays and didn’t return home again until the February break.
When he got off the plane, I was stunned at how much taller he looked. Measuring him at home, I discovered he now stood at 5 feet, 11 inches. He was as surprised as I. “Couldn’t you tell by your clothes that you’d grown?” I asked him.
“Since I’ve been doing my own laundry,” he replied, “I just figured everything had shrunk.”
Cell Phone Etiquette
Friends and I were chatting over dinner in a restaurant. A man at the next table told his cell-phone caller to hold on. Then he stepped outside to talk.
When he returned, I said, “That was very thoughtful.”
“I had no choice,” he nodded and said to me. “You were making too much noise.”
Breakfast
Deciding to eat healthier breakfasts, my brother-in-law declared that oatmeal would now be his cereal of choice. But after eating his first bowl, he told my sister, “I hope I develop a taste for the stuff. It goes down real rough.”
“Well,” she asked, “how long did you cook it?”
“You’re supposed to cook it?” he said.