Clean jokes that are safe for work
Is the kidney a bean a kidney shaped object, or is the bean a kidney shaped legume?
I went to the Missing Persons Bureau. No one was there.
I choose toilet paper through the process of elimination.
George Washington’s brother was the Uncle of Our Country.
Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough not to quit.
A statistician is someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter)
A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.
A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn’t there. (Charles Darwin)
A topologist is a man who doesn’t know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a “brief.” (Franz Kafka)
A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.
A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time — or tells you how to make a watch. The really savvy ones ask you what time you’d like it to be.
On an Electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”
Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: “Best place in town to take a leak.”
In a Non-smoking area: “If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”
On Maternity Room door: “Push, Push, Push.”
At an Optometrist’s Office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
At a Car Dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”
Outside a Muffler Shop: “No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.”
Outside a Hotel: “Help! We need inn-experienced people.”
At an Auto Body Shop: “May we have the next dents?”
In a Dry Cleaner’s Emporium: “Drop your pants here.”
In a Veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
On a Music Teacher’s door: “Out Chopin.”
At the Electric Company: “We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be.”
On the side of a Garbage Truck: “We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.”
On the door of a Computer Store: “Out for a quick byte.”
In a Restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.”
Inside a Bowling Alley: “Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.”
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: “Drive carefully, we’ll wait.”
1. There is no problem that cannot be overcome by violence.
2. You can overcome most adversaries simply by having enough quarters.
3. If it moves, KILL IT!
4. Operating any vehicle or weapon is simple and requires no training.
5. “Bosses” always hire henchmen weaker than they are to do their dirty work.
6. If you find food lying on the ground, eat it.
7. You can smash things and get away with it.
a. Smashing things doesn’t hurt.
b. Many nice things are hidden inside other things.
8. When someone dies, they disappear.
9. Money is frequently found lying on the streets.
10. All shopkeepers carry high-tech weaponry.
11. You never run out of bullets, only grenades.
12. Ninjas are common, and fight in public frequently.
13. Whenever huge evil fat men are about to die, they begin flashing red or yellow.
14. When you are born, you’re invulnerable for a brief period of time.
15. Although the enemy always has more aircraft than you, they fly in
predictable patterns which makes it easier for you to shoot them all down.
16. All women wear revealing clothing and have great bodies.
17. The enemy always leaves weapons and ammo laying around for no other reason than so their bitter enemies can pick them up and defeat them with it.
18. You sustain injury if you shoot innocents.
19. Gang members frequently all look the same, and often have the same names.
20. When driving, do not worry if your vehicle crashes and explodes. A new one will appear in its place.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it’s up put it down.
2. Don’t cut your hair. Ever.
3. Don’t make us guess.
4. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
5. Sometimes, he’s not thinking about you. Live with it.
6. He’s never thinking about “The Relationship.”
7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it’s not different, it’s just like every other cat.
8. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
9. Sunday = Sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
10. Shopping is not everybody’s idea of a good time.
11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
12. You have enough clothes.
13. You have too many shoes.
14. Crying is blackmail.
Use it if you must, but don’t expect us to like it.
15. Your brother is an idiot.
16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work.
17. No, he doesn’t know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries.
18. Share the bathroom.
19. Share the closet.
20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Nothing says ‘I love you’ like a quickie in the morning.
23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
24. Check your oil.
25. Don’t give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.
3. Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That’s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That’s how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says “Gee Son….Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?” You probably shouldn’t respond with, “Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?”
Q. What is your brother-in-law’s name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What’s his first name?
A. I can’t remember.
Q. He’s been your brother-in-law for years, and you can’t remember his
first name?
A. No. I tell you I’m too excited. (Rising from the witness chair
and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God’s sake, tell them your
first name!
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I’m divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn’t know about.
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.
Q. Were you acquainted with the defendant?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the
influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn’t pronunciate his words.
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, “I have to kill you because you can identify
me.”
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
Before we recess, let’s listen to one last exchange involving a child:
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What
school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
I want to show you an optimistic sign that things are beginning to turn around.
— Vice President Dan Quayle trying to convince reporters that the economy was doing better because a Burger King had a “now hiring” sign in the window. He was campaigning for re-election in Ontario, CA, 1/17/92 (reported in Esquire, 8/92).
You have a part-time job, and that’s better than no job at all.
— Vice President Dan Quayle after the manager of the Burger King had said that the jobs offered were part-time minimum wage jobs, which didn’t pay enough to live on, and that “It’s hard to find people who want to actually show up for the job.”
Ever heard of this theory of “trickle down?” That’s ridiculous. We’re talking about trickling up. We’re talking about climbing up the ladder.
— Vice President Dan Quayle trying to encourage teenage students in Salinas, California to push themselves in school (The Fresno Bee, 5/19/92, taken from The Quayle Quarterly, Summer/Fall 1992).
Target prices? How that works? I know quite a bit about farm policy. I come from Indiana, which is a farm state. Deficiency payments — which are the key — that is what gets money into the farmer’s hands. We got loan, uh, rates, we got target, uh, prices, uh, I have worked very closely with my senior colleague, (Indiana Sen.) Richard Lugar, making sure that the farmers of Indiana are taken care of.
— Vice President Dan Quayle on being asked to define the term `target prices’. Quayle’s press secretary then cut short the press conference, after two minutes and 30 seconds.
Tobacco exports should be expanded aggressively because Americans are smoking less.
— Vice President Dan Quayle, 1990 (reported by IPS, 8/14/92).
[David Broder: Doesn’t that sound like a case where the public is getting shafted and there may be a need for local regulation or F.C.C. regulation?]
Yeah. There is F.C.C. regulation. There is regulation.
[There’s not control of rates or service.]
That’s true, but there is —
[Well, tell me in simple terms that people can understand: Why shouldn’t they be regulated?]
O.K., simple terms, here’s the choice. Here’s the choice in simple terms. Are you going to try to constrain the price increase through regulation or through genuine competition? Our preference is to do it through genuine competition.
[But there isn’t genuine competition.]
That’s right. Because you have — but the cities that grant these things can certainly be more competitive and have more openness if they’re —
[So your suggestion is that they go out and have two or three different companies wire these communities to get competition?]
I’m not going to get into the micromanagement of the cable industry.
— Vice President Dan Quayle on NBC’s Meet the Press 9/20/92, defending the administration’s opposition to the cable-tv re-regulation bill (reported in the NY Times 10/7/92).
If you listen to the news, read the news, you’d think we were still in a recession. Well, we’re not in a recession. We’ve had growth; people need to know that. They need to be more upbeat, more positive…
— Vice President Dan Quayle in October 91.
Need any help?
— Vice President Dan Quayle in October 91 addressing GM autoworkers in Southgate two weeks before GM announced 74,000 layoffs.
I do have a political agenda. It’s to have as few regulations as possible.
— Vice President Dan Quayle
“JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY”
We have no time to train you; you’ll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers.
“IMMEDIATE OPENING”
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We’re just now running the ad.
“PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS”
After 3 years, we’ll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave we’ll give you a 5 percent matching contribution. (“Maybe”)
“COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT”
We have a lot of turnover.
“EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT”
Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.
“JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM”
We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
“MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED”
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day and a year by the end of your first week.
“FLEXIBLE HOURS”
Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
“DUTIES WILL VARY”
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
“MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL”
We have no quality control.
“SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE”
You’ll need it to replace three people who just quit.
“PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST”
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
“REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS”
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
“GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS”
Management communicates, you listen, then try and figure out what they want and how to do it.
“ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD”
You whine, you’re fired.
by Jay Scott and Elliott Moreton.
You can now explain anything to anyone.
* reasons that something is the case
o It’s a trivial corollary of Tychonoff’s Theorem.
o It’s one of those non-hierarchical dynamic facilitation effects.
o It fits the theory better.
o Sister Mary Ignatius said so.
o That’s the natural order of things.
o By assumption.
o By definition.
o By induction.
o It’s epistemologically prior.
o Quantum effects.
* reasons that something seems to be the case, but isn’t
o It’s just a social construct.
o It’s all in the mind.
o Of course, that’s only if you believe in the axiom of choice.
o It’s just a trick of perspective.
* reasons that something was done
o It’s an election year.
o It’s in the contract.
o The court ordered it.
o For economies of scale.
o It’s good PR.
o Precedent.
o Popular sentiment.
o To maintain the dominance of the patriarchy.
o Their parents made them do it.
o It’s a stylistic convention.
o They’re only following orders.
o They did it for Jodie Foster.
* reasons something should be done
o The Russians are doing it, so we’d better do it too.
o The Russians are doing it, so we’d better not do it.
o It’ll look good on TV (or, on your resume).
* reasons that something is not so good
o They ran out of money halfway through.
o I guess they must just notta been thinkin’.
o The workers were alienated and marginalized.
o The alumni made them do it.
o EPA regulations.
o It’s a union work rule.
o It’s cultural inertia.
o Internal friction.
o Well, they’re still on the Julian calendar.
* reasons for the existence of something
o That’s just for the tourists (or, voters).
o It’s an IBM compatibility feature.
o It was tax deductible.
o That’s an artifact of the process.
o Interest rates were lower back then.
o Must be some religion.
* reasons to believe somebody
o Trust me, I’m a native speaker.
o Trust me, I majored in that.
o It’s my professional judgment.
* reasons why you can’t explain
o It would make sense if you understood Hegel.
o We’ll cover that in 402.
o I’d have to see the source code to answer that.
o It’s beyond the scope of this paper.
* other reasons
o Yeah, but that’s different!
o They were fleeing religious persecution.
o Just look at the unit circle.
o Well, they’re isomorphic.
o The speed of light is finite.
You can find lots of explanations for the same thing! Cross categories creatively!
* Why is the sky blue?
o It’s an IBM compatibility feature.
* Why don’t my friends write back to me?
o They ran out of money halfway through.
o To maintain the dominance of the patriarchy.
* Why are computer chips so cheap?
o Well, they’re isomorphic.
o It would make sense if you understood Hegel.