Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores.
We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment.
Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled and are listed below.
Mr. Wally Underpants
President and CEO of Wal-Mart Complaint Department
Re: Mr. Bill Fenton – Complaints – 15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse is shopping:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peopleâ€™s carts when they werenâ€™t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, â€˜Code 3â€² in housewaresâ€¦.. and watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&Mâ€™s on layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a â€˜CAUTION – WET FLOORâ€™ sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers heâ€™d invite them in if theyâ€™ll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks Why canâ€™t you people just leave me alone?â€™
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the â€œMission Impossibleâ€ theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his â€œMadonna lookâ€ using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled â€œPICK ME!â€ â€œPICK ME!â€
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams â€œNO! NO! Itâ€™s those voices again!!!!â€
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, â€œThere is no toilet paper in here!â€