Cartman:: How ’bout we sing, ‘Kyle’s Mom is a stupid bitch’ in D Minor.
Cartman:: That movie has warped my fragile little mind.
Cartman:: I’m not fat. I’m big-boned.
Stan:: No, Jay Leno’s chin is big-boned. You are a big, fat ass.
Stan:: You can’t just show up to a Civil War re-enactment dressed up like General Lee, FatAss.
Cartman:: Oh really? I’m pretty sure I just did.
Cartman:: You know the feeling when the huge dump you just took shoots back up your ass?
Cartman:: Only three more hours, sea people. Only three more hours and you can take me away from this crappy goddamn planet full of hippies.
Cartman:: Okay, that does it! Why has everything today involved things either going in or coming out of my ass!?
Kindergartener #1:: This looks too tough. We’re going to play Harry Potter with the other kids.
Kindergartener #2:: Me too.
Cartman:: Fine. Go on and play ‘Harry Butthole Pussy Potter.’
Cartman:: Kyle, I swear to God, if I didn’t have a guy’s hand up my butt right now, I would leap across the room and kick you in the nuts.
Cartman:: Shut up Kyle! Shut your Goddamn’ Jew mouth! You’re the reason that there’s war in the Middle East.
Stan:: What does ‘fingerbang’ mean, anyway?
Cartman:: I saw it on HBO. I think it’s when you pretend to use your finger like it’s a gun or something.
Kenny:: [Mumbles]
Stan:: Kenny says that’s not what it means.
Cartman:: All right. Kenny. What does it mean?
Kenny:: [Mumbles]
Cartman:: Ugh. That’s sick. Why the hell would anyone want to do that?
Cartman:: Sticks and stones may break my bones but I’m Jesus.
Cartman:: Too bad drinking scotch isn’t a paying job or Kenny’s dad would be a millionare!
Butters:: We’re not Christian, we just pretended to be.
Cartman:: Remind me to cut your balls off when we get back.
Cartman:: Naw dude, Independent films are those black and white hippy movies. They’re always about gay cowboys eating pudding.
Cartman:: Don’t worry, Tweek. Your family can go on welfare. Kenny’s family’s on welafare and they’re happy, isn’t that right, Kenny?
Kenny:: Fuck you.
Cartman:: Dude, that is not cool! Chopping off wee-wee’s is not cool!
Cartman:: Well God, I guess you got me again, didn’t you? Yeah, that was a good one, God. Hope it made you laugh, you sick bastard.
Cartman:: I’m not fat, I just haven’t grown into my body yet you skinny bitch.
Cartman:: Oh, oh, Jesus. I was laughing so hard–the milk came out of my nose.
Stan:: Dude, you weren’t drinking any milk.
Cartman:: Huh?
Stan:: You have to be drinking milk for that to happen.
Cartman:: Not with me, man.
Cartman:: In the Ghetto! On a cold and gray Chicago morn, another baby child is born in the ghetto. In the ghetto!
Mr. Garrison:: Congratulations, Eric, on writing the award-winning paper.
Cartman:: Kick ass.
Stan:: That’s impossible. Cartman doesn’t know a rainforest from a Pot-Tart.
Cartman:: Yeah, I do. Pop-Tarts are frosted.
Cartman:: Think about it – it’s the easiest, crappiest music in the world, right? If we just sing about how much we love Jesus, all the Christians will buy our crap.”
Kyle:: [The boys are confronted by Afghan soldiers.] Uh, greetings from Canada. Well boys, it’s ‘aboot’ time we get back to our ‘hoose’ in Canada, isn’t it?
Cartman:: Hey, what the hell are you talking about? I’m not a Goddamn’ Canandian and neither are you.
Stan:: Cartman, you stupid asshole.
Cartman:: I was just layin’ down some rhymes, with the G-folk, you know, kickin’ it on the west siy-eede.
Kyle:: You live on the EAST side, Cartman.
Carman:: Why does this happen every month? It seems like right about the same time every month, Kyle’s mom gets a hair up her ass about something, and I always end up getting screwed by it.
Cartman:: Speilberg – Jew … Lucas – Jew … Kyle – Jew.
Stan:: OmiGod, you guys are not gonna believe what happened to me last night!
Cartman:: What? tell us!
Stan:: So, I’m watching the season premiere of ‘Boy Meets Boy’ on television, right, and then ‘Queer Eye For the Straight Guy’ comes on! So I fall asleep in front of the TV and when I wake up, I see that I’ve spilled the Coke I was drinking, ALL over my satin pajama top.
Cartman:: OmiGod! Are you serious? That was the cutest top ever!
Stan:: I know!
(Kenny mumbles)
Stan:: Oh, tell me about it Ken Doll.
Cartman:: Kenny’s family is so poor that yesterday they had to put their cardboard box up for a second mortgage.
Cartman:: Anyway Kenny, Yellow MegaMan is only $8.95, so maybe your mom can put it on layaway and make payments for a year or two.
Cartman:: You seem a little irritable, Kyle. You got some sand in your vagina?
Kyle:: There’s no sand in my vagina!