Martha Stewarts Guide for Rednecks

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at

3. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed it’s time to change

5. Even if you’re CERTAIN that you are included in the will
… it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the


1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper
cup and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with
your fingers covering the label.


1. A centerpiece for the table should NEVER be prepared by a

2. Do NOT allow the dog to eat at the table … no matter
how good his manners are.


1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job
that should done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for
several days. However if you live alone, deodorant is a waste
of money.

3. Dirt & grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as
it tends to detract from a woman’s jewelry & alter the taste
of finger foods.


1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the
first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been
wantin’ to go out with you since I read that stuff on the
bathroom wall two years ago.

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected
back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say “Monday”. If
the latter is the answer it is the man’s responsibility to
get her to school on time.


1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up
as soon as the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests
have proven they cannot hear you.


1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with
a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky

4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks & shoes for this
special occasion.


1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the
gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the
largest tires ALWAYS has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it
is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

5. Do NOT lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.