“Bart, with $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy
all kinds of useful things like…love!”
“Unfortunately, son, we Simpsons sometimes have to bend
the rules a little in order to hold our own.”
“Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first
time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way
it is. So here’s the deal: You freeze everything the way it is,
and I won’t ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give
me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this
offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you,
give me no sign. Thy will be done.”
“The strong must protect the sweet”
“Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without
it?”
“Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look
good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you
can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!”
“Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.”
“Remember as far as anyone knows, we’re a nice normal
family.”
“I know what you’re saying, Bart. When I was young, I wanted
an electric football machine more than anything else in the world,
and my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of
my life. Well, goodnight.”
“Your lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you
or I, many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I worked
alongside them, gone bowling with them, watched them pass me over
for promotions time and again. And I say… This stinks!”
“D’oh!!!”
“That’s it! You people have stood in my way long enough.
I’m going to clown college!”
“You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson
is ‘never try’.”
“God bless those pagans.”
“I’m in a place where I don’t know where I am!”
“I am so smart, I am so smart, s-m-r-t….I mean s-m-A-r-t.”
“Oh, everything’s too damned expensive these days. This
Bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody’s
a sinner! Except this guy.”
“Mmmm, free goo.”
“It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled
child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.”
“I can’t believe it! Reading and writing actually paid
off!”
“Don’t let Krusty’s death get you down, boy. People die
all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow!
Well, good night
“Yeah Moe that team sure did suck last night. They just
plain sucked! I’ve seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest
bunch of sucks that ever sucked!”
“Ha ha! Look at this country! ? R U Gay!? Ha ha!”
(looking at Uruguay on the globe).
“Don’t mess with the dead, boy, they have eerie powers.”
“Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do?”
“If you really want something in this life, you have to
work for it – Now quiet, they’re about to announce the lottery
numbers!”
“Relax. What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never
mind!”
“Good drink… good meat… good God, let’s eat!”
“Lord help me, I’m just not that bright.”
“What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is
nuts.”
“Now go on, boy, and pay attention. Because if you do,
someday, you may achieve something that we Simpsons have dreamed
about for generations: You may outsmart someone!”
“I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before
he invented the light bulb.”
“Beer. Now there’s a temporary solution.”
“Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy’s
piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough
to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure…not
even close.”
“Kill myself? Killing myself is the last thing I’d ever
do. Now I have a purpose, a reason to live. I don’t care who I
have to face, I don’t care who I have to fight, I will not rest
until this street gets a stop sign!”
“If they think I’m going to stop at that stop sign, they’re
sadly mistaken!”
“Unlike most of you, I am not a nut.”
“Safety? But sir! If truth be known, I actually caused
more accidents around here than any other employee, including
a few doozies no one every found out about.”
“No, no, no, Lisa. If adults don’t like their jobs, they
don’t go on strike. They just go in every day and do it really
half-assed.”
“Simpson-Homer Simpson, he’s the greatest guy in his-tor-y.
From the town of Springfield, he’s about to hit a chestnut tree….D’oh!”
(sung to the air of Flintstones theme song)
“Ignore the boy, Lord.”
“Dear Lord, thank You for this microwave bounty, even
though we don’t deserve it. I mean… our kids are uncontrollable
hellions! Pardon my French… but they act like savages! Did You
see them at the picnic? Oh, of course You did… You’re everywhere,
You’re omnivorous. Oh Lord! Why did You spite me with this family?”
“You know Moe, my mom once said something that really
stuck with me. She said, `Homer, you’re a big disappointment’,
and God bless her soul, she was really onto something.”
“When will I learn? The answer to life’s problems aren’t
at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!”
“Trying is the first step towards failure.”
“America’s health care system is second only to Japan…
Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, … well all of Europe. But you
can thank your lucky stars we don’t live in Paraguay!”
“What’s the point of going out, we’re just going to end
up back here anyway?”
“Don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them.”
(to aliens who abducted Simpson family)
“I like my beer cold…my TV loud…and my homosexuals
flaming.”
“The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach
a boy to be a man. Let’s see. Don’t tattle. Always make fun of
those different from you. Never say anything, unless you’re sure
everyone feels exactly the same way you do.”
“I think the saddest day of my life was when I realised
I could beat my Dad at most things, and Bart experienced that
at the age of four.”
“And there’s nothing wrong with hitting someone when his
back is turned.”
“Being popular is the most important thing in the world!”
“Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated
and studied so that it can be determined what nutrients they have
that might be extracted for our personal use.”
“Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of
that alligator biting that woman’s bottom? That’s right, we all
thought it was hilarious. But it turns out we were wrong. That
alligator was sexually harrassing that woman.”