Quotes from South Park Season 1

Cartman: I’m not fat, I’m big-boned!

Stan: That fat bitch won’t let us.
Mrs. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
Stan: I said, “Rabbits eat lettuce.”
Mrs. Crabtree: Oh… Well, they certainly do.

Chef: What the hell do you think you’re doing in school eating Salisbury steak? Go find him, dammit!

Mrs. Cartman: You want some Cheesy Poofs, too?
Cartman: Yeah, I want Cheesey Poofs!

Cartman: Go home, you little dildo!
Kyle: Dude! Don’t call my brother a dildo!
Stan: What’s a dildo?
Kyle: I dunno, and I’ll bet Cartman doesn’t know either!
Cartman: I know what it means!!
Kyle: Well, what?
Cartman: I’m not telling you.
Stan: What’s a dildo, Kenny?
Kenny: [unintelligible…perhaps “It’s a giant stick that goes inside our moms’ vaginas.”]
[All of them laugh.]
Cartman: Yeah. That’s what Kyle’s little brother is, alright.
[Kyle picks up his little brother, Ike, and hits Cartman.]
Stan: Dude! That kicks ass!
Kyle: Yeah. Check this one out! Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!
Ike: Don’t kick the baby.
Kyle: Kick the baby!
[Kyle kicks Ike.]

Cartman: Goddammit, I didn’t have an anal probe!

Kyle: My little brother’s been abducted by aliens. It’s true! Ask Cartman! They gave him an anal probe!
Cartman: Heh, that’s, uh, that’s a little joke…
Kyle: Mr. Garrison, seriously! I have to go! Can I please be excused from class?
Mr. Garrison: I don’t know, Kyle. Did you ask Mr. Hat?
Kyle: I don’t WANNA ask Mr. Hat, I’m asking YOU!!
Mr. Garrison: Oh, I think you should ask Mr. Hat.
Kyle: Mr. Hat, may I please be excused from class?
Mr. Hat: Well, Kyle…NO!! You hear me?! You go to hell! You go to hell and you DIE!!
Mr. Garrison: Hmm…I guess you’ll have to take your seat.
Kyle: DAMMIT!!!
Cartman: Ha, ha! Mr. Hat yelled at you!

Cattle Rancher: That’s the third cow this month, at this rate all my cattle are gonna die before the Winter’s through.
Officer Barbrady: This is nothing out of the unusual. Cows turn themselves inside out all the time.
Cattle Rancher: People been sayin’ they’ve been seeing UFO’s around.
Officer Barbrady: UFO’s?? Ha Ha.
Cattle Rancher: Yea, and black army CIA helicopters and trucks.
Officer Barbrady: That is the silliest thing I’ve ever heard.

(Black Army CIA Helicopters fly by behind Officer Barbrady)

Cattle Rancher: What was that?
Officer Barbrady: That, that was a pigeon.

(A huge anal probe has opened up into a satellite dish from Cartman’s ass)

Stan: Are you ok Cartman?!
Cartman: Dude, you know there feeling when you take a huge dump? ….Awesome

(The satellite retracts back into Cartman)

Kyle: Are you ok?
Cartman: You know that feeling when that huge dump you just took shoots back up your ass-NO I’M NOT OK!!!
Ned: I don’t think eight year old kids drink beer.

Uncle Jimbo: Hey, look out, son, that’s dangerous. You’re gonna spill your beer!

Cartman: Democrats piss me off.

Stan: Uncle Jimbo says after this, hes taking me to Africa.
Cartman: My Mom says there’s a lot of black people in Africa.

Stan: I don’t want to shoot the bunny.
Uncle Jimbo: No nephew of mine is going to be a tree hugger.
Cartman: Yeah, hippie. Go back to Woodstock if you don’t want to shoot anything.
Cartman: Follow your dreams, You can reach your goals, I’m living proof! Beefcake!

Cartman: It’s all a bunch of treehugging hippie crap!

Cartman: If dolphins are so smart, why do they get caught in those fishing nets all the time?

Kyle: Cartman! You’re such a fat ass, that when you walk down the street, people go “God damn it, that is a big fat ass!”
Cartman: No they don’t, you jealous weakling!
Man: God damn! That’s a big fat ass!
Cartman: AY!!!

Cartman: If dolphins are so smart, why do they live in igloos?
Kyle:Dolphins dont live in igloos, those are Eskimos, stupid!
Cartman: Dolphins, Eskimos, who cares? its all a bunch of tree huggin hippy crap anyway!
Stan: Now, don’t be gay! Don’t be gay, Spark! Don’t be gay!
Mr Garrison: Gay people, well, gay people are EVIL, evil right down to their cold black hearts which pump not blood like yours or mine, but rather a thick, vomitous oil that oozes through their rotten veins and clots in their pea-sized brains which becomes the cause of their Nazi-esque patterns of violent behavior. Do you understand?
Miss Crabtree: Hey, wait a minute! What is that thing?
Kyle: Uh, this is the new retarded kid.
Miss Crabtree: Oh. I’m sorry, little girl, but you still can’t get on. You have to take the Special Ed bus.

Chef: Now, children, gather round and watch the wonders of life! The beauty of Mother Nature!

Chef: Now I know how all those white women must’ve felt.

Cartman: I would never let a woman kick my ass. If she tried something, I’d be like: HEY! You get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!”

Cartman: If some girl tried to kick my ass, I’d be like, ‘Hey. Why don’t you stop…dressing me like a mailman…uh, and making me dance for you…while you go and…smoke crack in your bedroom… and have sex with…some guy…I don’t even know. On my dad’s bed.
Stan: Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?
Cartman: I’m just saying you’re just a little wuss, that’s all.
Randy: How’s it feel to be 102, Grandpa?
Grandpa: Shoot me!

Grandpa: What has America’s youth come to? Kids won’t even kill their own grandparents.

Liane: Eric, dear, I just got a call from your friend Kyle’s mother. She said that this show is naughty and might make you a potty-mouth.
Cartman: That’s a bunch of crap. Kyle’s mom is a dirty Jew.

Stan: Jesus, is it OK to kill somebody if they ask you to? Because they’re in a lot of pain…you know, like assisted suicide…
Jesus: My son, I’m not touching that with a 60 foot pole.

Cartman: My uncle says smoking crack is kinda coo…

TV: We interrupt this program to bring you loud static.

Enya music: Take a look, take a look, take a look above the sky; come and fly, take a ride…
Stan: This music is terrible! It’s cheesy but lame, and eerily soothing at the same time!
Grandpa Marsh: Now you know what’s it’s like to be old!
Coroner #1: You know, I think death is least funny when it happens to a child.

[Coroner #2 puts Worcestershire sauce on a hot dog.]
Coroner #1: Marty, do you have to put that stuff on everything?
Coroner #2: I don’t know…it just makes everything taste so…so English.

Kyle: Cartman, what kind of costume is that?
Cartman: It’s an Adolf Hitler costume. SIEG HEIL! SIEG HEIL!

Cartman: Kenny’s family is so poor that, yesterday, they had to put their cardboard box up for a second mortgage!

Kyle: Well, at least my mom isn’t on the cover of Crack Whore magazine.

Cartman: Too bad drinking scotch isn’t a paying job, otherwise Kenny’s dad would be a millionaire.

Officer Barbrady: You’re probably wondering why we’re standing here with a pile of money and no pants on.
Chef: Actually, uh—
Mayor: Well, I can assure you that it has absolutely nothing to do with the Japanese Mafia.
Officer Barbrady: [wagging his finger] Not a thingy-dingy.

Kyle: Oh my God, I killed Kenny! You bastard!

Cartman: Why don’t you go back to Endor, you stupid wookie?
Kyle: Wookies don’t live on Endor!
Cartman: No, Starvin’ Marvin, that’s Kenny’s food! That’s a bad Starvin’ Marvin!

[Cartman is in Ethiopia.]
Cartman: I am an American citizen! Give me food! I am an American citizen!

Cartman: Mr. Garrison, why do poor people smell like sour milk?

Stan: You know, I think I’ve learned something today. It’s really easy not to think of images on TV as real people, but they are. That’s why it’s easy to ignore those commercials but people on TV are as real as you and I.
Kyle: Yeah…and that means that MacGyver is a real person too.
Stan: If my mom could cook like Cartman’s mom I’d be a big fat ass too!
Cartman: That’s right!
[Cartman realizes he’s been insulted.]
Cartman: Hey!

Cartman: Oh really? Gosh, where could I have put Pip’s invitation? Let’s see…Pip’s invitation…Pip’s invitation…oh, I remember! I shoved it up my ass! Yes. That’s right, I wrote it out, put it in an envelope, sealed it, and *woop* shoved it right up my ass. Forever ruining any chance you had of coming to my party. Sorry, Pip ‘ol chap!

Chef: OH! That’s one fudged-up little cracka!

Priest: Look! [points to Jesus] It’s that guy from the public-access show.

Damien: Everybody hates me.
Mr. Mackey: Well, uh, why do you suppose that is?
Damien: Because I’m the son of the Devil?
Mr. Mackey: Uh-huh, that’s a good start. Why else?
Damien: Because I burn them and kill them?

Pip:My name is Philip but everyone calls me Pip because they hate me.
Damien:Then i will call you Pip.

Chef: I can’t hit Jesus Christ! My mother would never speak to me again!
Wendy: I told her. Don’t…f***…with Wendy…Testaburger!

Cartman: My mom told me to be a lesbian you have to lick carpet.

[Cartman takes a bite out of a cardboard box]
Cartman: My mom said to be a lesbian you have to chow down on this box.

Mr. Garrison: I feel kinda nauseous.
Tom: Yes? Well, that’s to be expected. We did some major reconstruction, sawed through some bone, snapped some cartilage…
Mr. Garrison: Ugh.
Tom: …all the blood and mucus just the sound of bone and sinew coming apart. [makes disgusting noises of bone and blood]
Mr. Garrison: Uuuuuggghhh!
Tom: By the way, did you ever see that movie Contact?
[Mr. Garrison throws up.]
Mr. Garrison: Oh, stop, that movie was terrible!
Tom: I’m sorry, Mr. Garrison. Why don’t you get some rest and I’ll check on you a little later.
Mr. Garrison: Sat through that entire movie to see the alien and it was her goddamned father!

Cartman: My Grandma’s Dutch-Irish and my Grandpa’s Lesbian, That makes me Quarter Lesbian!

Mr. Garrison: I’m going to do what I’ve always wanted to do: hang out and screw hot chicks.
Barbra Streisand: You know who I am, don’t you?
Officer Barbrady: Well, you ain’t Fiona Apple, and if you ain’t Fiona Apple, I don’t give a rat’s ass.
Barbra Streisand: AAAARGH!!
Officer Barbrady: Whoa, what a bitch!

Stan: Wow, Robert Smith is the greatest person that ever lived!
Jesus Christ: Our savior!

Kyle: Well, that whole experience sure did suck.
Stan: Yeah, I’m sure glad that’s over with.
Kyle: But you know, I learned something today. I learned that people who want power, a lot of power, always end up dead.
Cartman: Yeah, and I learned something, too. Robert Smith kicks ass.
Cartman: Mom, can I ask you a question?
Ms. Cartman: Sure, hon.
Cartman: You know how my friend Stan has, like, a dad?
Ms. Cartaman: Uh-huh.
Cartman: And my friend Kyle has a dad, and my friend Kenny has a dad?
Ms. Cartman: Yes?
[long pause]
Ms. Cartman: Well, what’s your question, hon?
Cartman: Goddamn it, do I have a dad?!
Ms. Cartman: Oh!
Cartman: I wanna know where I came from.
Ms. Cartman: Oh. Hmm. Well, you see, Eric, sometimes when a man and a women are attracted to each other, they want to be close to each other.
Cartman: Uhuh…
Mrs. Cartman: And sometimes the man puts his hoo-hoo dilly into a woman’s cha-cha.
[long pause]
Cartman: So who put his hoo-hoo dilly into your cha-cha?

Chief Running Water: I knew that she wanted me because she kept saying romantic things.
Ms. Cartman: Oh, Chief, I want your hot man-chowder.
Chief Running Water: Whoa, hello!

Cartman: I was just hangin’ out in the SPC, kickin’ it with some homies on the west sy-eed.

South Park – Big Gay Al – I’m super

Bombs are flying
People are dying
Children are crying
Politicians are lying too.

Cancer is killing
Texaco’s spilling
The whole world’s gone to hell
But how are you?

I’m super
Thanks for asking
All things considered
I couldn’t be better I must say

I’m feeling super
No, nothing bugs me
Everything is super when you’re
Don’t you think I look cute in this hat

I’m so sorry
Mr. Cripple
But I just can’t feel too bad for you right now.
Because I’m feeling
So insanely super
That even the fact that you can’t walk
Can’t bring me down

Background singers:
He’s super
Thanks for asking
All things considered
He couldn’t be better he must say

Big Gay Al:
I’m super
No, nothing bugs me
Everything is super when you’re
Don’t you think I look cute in this hat
These little pants, this matching tie
That I got at Vogue

I’m super

Background singers:
In the barracks and the trenches as well

Big Gay Al:
Stick ’em up.

Background singers:
Big Gay Al says do ask do tell

Big Gay Al:

Background singers:
Yes he’s super and he’s proud to be gay

Big Gay Al:

Background singers:
Everything is super when you’re gay!
When you’re gay!

South Park – Blame Canada

Sheila: Times have changed
Our kids are getting worse
They won’t obey their parents
They just want to fart and curse!
Sharon: Should we blame the government?
Liane: Or blame society?
Dads: Or should we blame the images on TV?
Sheila: No, blame Canada
Everyone: Blame Canada
Sheila: With all their beady little eyes
And flappin’ heads so full of lies
Everyone: Blame Canada
Blame Canada
Sheila: We need to form a full assault
Everyone: It’s Canada’s fault!
Sharon: Don’t blame me
For my son Stan
He saw the darn cartoon
And now he’s off to join the Klan!
Liane: And my boy Eric once
Had my picture on his shelf
But now when I see him he tells me to fuck myself!
Sheila: Well, blame Canada
Everyone: Blame Canada
It seems that everything’s gone wrong
Since Canada came along
Everyone: Blame Canada
Blame Canada
Copy Guy: They’re not even a real country anyway
Ms. McCormick: My son could’ve been a doctor or a lawyer, it’s a-true
Instead he burned up like a piggy on a barbecue
Everyone: Should we blame the matches?
Should we blame the fire?
Or the doctors who allowed him to expire?
Sheila: Heck no!
Everyone: Blame Canada
Blame Canada
Sheila: With all their hockey hubbabaloo
Liane: And that bitch Anne Murray too
Everyone: Blame Canada
Shame on Canada
The smut we must stop
The trash we must Bash
Laughter and fun
must all be undone
We must blame them and cause a fuss
Before somebody thinks of blaming uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuus

Cartman quotes

Kevin: My waffle’s done! My waffle’s done!
Mrs. McCormick: Now, Kevin, we ain’t got enough for everybody. You have to split that with your brother.
Cartman: Oh, Jesus, are you fucking kidding me?

Cartman: Kenny’s family is so poor, they had to put their cardboard box up for a second mortgage.

Cartman: Yeah! I want Cheesy Poofs!

Cartman: Poor people tend to live in clusters.

Cartman:God has told me how to make 10 million dollars!
Stan: How?
Cartman: Boy band.
Stan: Boy band?
Cartman: Boy band.
Stan: I’m not being part of any faggy boy band.
Cartman: Theres nothing faggy about 10 million dollars, asshole.

Cartman: This is killing me. The human body was not meant to move quickly like that.

Mr. Garrison: Settle down, children. I have some difficult news. This is going to make you all very sad. The school board is considering firing me as your teacher. There’s a possibility that I’ll be let go and never allowed to teach you again. Yes, Stanley?
Stan: That’s okay with us.
Cartman: Yeah.
Stan: Yeah, that’s fine.
Mr. Garrison: No, it isn’t. It makes you very sad.

Cartman: The fireman is very magical. Rub his helmet and he spits in your eye.

Cartman (singing): Whenever I see Jesus up on that cross/I can’t help but think that he looks kinda’ hot.

Cartman: Well, Kyle, appreciate you being so open with me about this, but as we know, you have a warped perception of reality because you’re jewish.

Cartman: See, this is what we call an all-you-can-eat buffet. Here you can eat all you want for just $6.99. That’s why everyone comes here on Tuesday nights, except for Kenny’s family because for them, $6.99 is two year’s income.

Kyle: Does anybody know anything about corporations?
Cartman: I think my mom is a corporation.
Stan (sarcastically): Yeah, that makes sense.

Cartman: We’re never gonna’ get any candy if Kenny keeps eating people!

Kyle: Wait, isn’t there some rule about not getting into cars with strangers?
Cartman: No, not when money’s involved, stupid.

Cartman: What kind of side dishes will we be enjoying this evening with our frozen waffles?

Cartman: French people piss me off.

Cartman: I got my period.

Cartman: Kyle, you’re being a Negative Nancy.

Cartman: So, I am to understand that there will be no side dishes tonight?

Cartman: Ma’am, we’re having a Dude moment here if you don’t mind.

Stan: But it was right here!
Cartman: Stan, lay off the cough syrup dude, I’m worried about you man.

Cartman: Oh, this is a democratic boy band, is it?

Cartman: Am I to understand we will not be enjoying any side dishes with our frozen waffles?

More of Eric Cartman quotes

Cartman:: How ’bout we sing, ‘Kyle’s Mom is a stupid bitch’ in D Minor.

Cartman:: That movie has warped my fragile little mind.

Cartman:: I’m not fat. I’m big-boned.
Stan:: No, Jay Leno’s chin is big-boned. You are a big, fat ass.

Stan:: You can’t just show up to a Civil War re-enactment dressed up like General Lee, FatAss.
Cartman:: Oh really? I’m pretty sure I just did.

Cartman:: You know the feeling when the huge dump you just took shoots back up your ass?

Cartman:: Only three more hours, sea people. Only three more hours and you can take me away from this crappy goddamn planet full of hippies.

Cartman:: Okay, that does it! Why has everything today involved things either going in or coming out of my ass!?

Kindergartener #1:: This looks too tough. We’re going to play Harry Potter with the other kids.
Kindergartener #2:: Me too.
Cartman:: Fine. Go on and play ‘Harry Butthole Pussy Potter.’

Cartman:: Kyle, I swear to God, if I didn’t have a guy’s hand up my butt right now, I would leap across the room and kick you in the nuts.

Cartman:: Shut up Kyle! Shut your Goddamn’ Jew mouth! You’re the reason that there’s war in the Middle East.

Stan:: What does ‘fingerbang’ mean, anyway?
Cartman:: I saw it on HBO. I think it’s when you pretend to use your finger like it’s a gun or something.
Kenny:: [Mumbles]
Stan:: Kenny says that’s not what it means.
Cartman:: All right. Kenny. What does it mean?
Kenny:: [Mumbles]
Cartman:: Ugh. That’s sick. Why the hell would anyone want to do that?

Cartman:: Sticks and stones may break my bones but I’m Jesus.

Cartman:: Too bad drinking scotch isn’t a paying job or Kenny’s dad would be a millionare!

Butters:: We’re not Christian, we just pretended to be.
Cartman:: Remind me to cut your balls off when we get back.

Cartman:: Naw dude, Independent films are those black and white hippy movies. They’re always about gay cowboys eating pudding.

Cartman:: Don’t worry, Tweek. Your family can go on welfare. Kenny’s family’s on welafare and they’re happy, isn’t that right, Kenny?
Kenny:: Fuck you.

Cartman:: Dude, that is not cool! Chopping off wee-wee’s is not cool!

Cartman:: Well God, I guess you got me again, didn’t you? Yeah, that was a good one, God. Hope it made you laugh, you sick bastard.

Cartman:: I’m not fat, I just haven’t grown into my body yet you skinny bitch.

Cartman:: Oh, oh, Jesus. I was laughing so hard–the milk came out of my nose.
Stan:: Dude, you weren’t drinking any milk.
Cartman:: Huh?
Stan:: You have to be drinking milk for that to happen.
Cartman:: Not with me, man.

Cartman:: In the Ghetto! On a cold and gray Chicago morn, another baby child is born in the ghetto. In the ghetto!

Mr. Garrison:: Congratulations, Eric, on writing the award-winning paper.
Cartman:: Kick ass.
Stan:: That’s impossible. Cartman doesn’t know a rainforest from a Pot-Tart.
Cartman:: Yeah, I do. Pop-Tarts are frosted.

Cartman:: Think about it – it’s the easiest, crappiest music in the world, right? If we just sing about how much we love Jesus, all the Christians will buy our crap.”

Kyle:: [The boys are confronted by Afghan soldiers.] Uh, greetings from Canada. Well boys, it’s ‘aboot’ time we get back to our ‘hoose’ in Canada, isn’t it?
Cartman:: Hey, what the hell are you talking about? I’m not a Goddamn’ Canandian and neither are you.
Stan:: Cartman, you stupid asshole.

Cartman:: I was just layin’ down some rhymes, with the G-folk, you know, kickin’ it on the west siy-eede.
Kyle:: You live on the EAST side, Cartman.

Carman:: Why does this happen every month? It seems like right about the same time every month, Kyle’s mom gets a hair up her ass about something, and I always end up getting screwed by it.

Cartman:: Speilberg – Jew … Lucas – Jew … Kyle – Jew.

Stan:: OmiGod, you guys are not gonna believe what happened to me last night!
Cartman:: What? tell us!
Stan:: So, I’m watching the season premiere of ‘Boy Meets Boy’ on television, right, and then ‘Queer Eye For the Straight Guy’ comes on! So I fall asleep in front of the TV and when I wake up, I see that I’ve spilled the Coke I was drinking, ALL over my satin pajama top.
Cartman:: OmiGod! Are you serious? That was the cutest top ever!
Stan:: I know!
(Kenny mumbles)
Stan:: Oh, tell me about it Ken Doll.

Cartman:: Kenny’s family is so poor that yesterday they had to put their cardboard box up for a second mortgage.

Cartman:: Anyway Kenny, Yellow MegaMan is only $8.95, so maybe your mom can put it on layaway and make payments for a year or two.

Cartman:: You seem a little irritable, Kyle. You got some sand in your vagina?
Kyle:: There’s no sand in my vagina!

Eric Cartman quotes

Cartman: You so much as TOUCH kitty’s ass, and I’ll put a firecracker in your nutsack and blow your balls all over your pants.
Stan: Jesus, Cartman.
Cartman: Well, I’m just sayn’, man, seriously, don’t mess with kitty, man.

Mr. Garrison:: How would you like to go see the school counselor?
Cartman: How would you like to suck my balls?
Mr. Garrison:: What did you just say?!
Cartman: Oh, I’m sorry (Clears throat and pulls out megaphone), actually what I said was, “How would you like to suck my balls, Mr. Garrison?”

Cartman: It’s a man’s obligation to stick his boneration in a women’s separation; this sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation.

Kyle: Wow! That’s a lot of seamen, Cartman.
Cartman: Yeah, I bought all that I could at this bank, and then I got the rest from this guy Ralph in an alley.
Stan: That’s cool.
Cartman: Yeah, and the sweet thing is, the stupid asshole didn’t even charge me money for it. He just made me close my eyes and suck on a hose.

Cartman: I’ve learned something, too: selling out is sweet because when you sell out, you get to make a lot of money, and when you have money, you don’t have to hang out with a bunch of poor asses like you guys. Screw you guys, I’m going home.

Mr. Garrison:: Does anyone know what sexual harassment means?
Cartman: When you are tying to have intercourse with a special lady friend and some other guy comes up and tickles your balls from behind.

Cartman: Mom–Kitty is being a dildo.
Mrs. Cartman: Well, I know a little kitty who is sleeping with Mommy tonight.

Cartman: I would never let a woman kick my ass. If she tried something, I’d be like, HEY! You get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!

Cartman: Why is it that everything today has to do with things either going in or coming out of my ass?

Stan: I don’t want to shoot the bunny.
Uncle Jimbo: No nephew of mine is going to be a tree hugger.
Cartman: Yeah, hippie. Go back to Woodstock if you don’t wnat to shoot anything.

Chief Running Water: Your mother is what we Indians call, ‘Bear With Wide Canyon.’
Cartman: What do you mean?
CRW: She is ‘Doe Who Cannot Keep Legs Together.’
Cartman: Huh?
CRW: Your mom’s a slut.

Cartman: Handle it? For two billion dollars I could handle my Grandpa’s balls dude.

Cartman: Butters will give hand jobs in the corner for a dollar.
Butters: Sure! I’m good at all kinds of jobs.

Cartman: Respect My Authority!

Cartman: The poor kid passes it to the Jew, the Jew shoots. He misses! Proving once and for all that Jews cannot play hockey!
Kyle: Shut up Cartman! Your body is bigger than the goal!
Cartman: No, I just have a sweet hockey body.

Mr. Garrison:: Who was in charge of the feminist movement of the early ’60’s?
Cartman: A bunch of fat old skanks on their periods.
Mr. Garrison:: Right. But who was the fattest, oldest skank on her period?

Kyle: Cartman, you have such a fat ass, that when people walk down the street they go, ‘God damn, that’s a big, fat ass.’
Cartman: No, they don’t, you jealous weakling.
Passing Man: God damn, that’s a big fat ass.

Cartman: If some girl tried to kick my ass, I’d be like, ‘Hey. Why don’t you stop … dressing me like a mailman … uh, and making me dance for you … while you go and … smoke crack in your bedroom … and have sex with … some guy … I don’t even know. On my dad’s bed.
Stan: Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?
Cartman: I’m just saying you’re just a little wuss, that’s all.

Cartman: Well, I’ve been lickin’ this carpet for 3 whole hours and I don’t feel like a lesbian.

Cartman: Well, I looked in my mom’s closet and saw what I was getting for Christmas, an UltraVibe Pleasure 2000.

Cartman: You have rats in your house, too, Kenny?
Kenny: Mm-hm.
Cartman: Seriously, you better stop being so poor or else I’m gonna start huckin’ rocks at you.

Cartman: Okay, Token, give me a sweet bass line.
Token: I don’t know how to play the bass.
Cartman: Token, how many times do we have to go over this? You’re black. You can play the bass.
Token: I’m really tired of your racist views on this.
Cartman: Well then, get tired of them after you give me a bass line!
Token: (Plays the bass expertly) Oh, Goddammit.

Stan: The note (from Wendy) says to meet her at Stark’s Pond after school.
Kyle: Whoa, maybe you can kiss her.
Cartman: Or slip a little tongue.
Kenny: [mumbles] Or slide a finger up her pussy.
Kyle: I didn’t know she had a cat.

Cartman: Speaking of pounding ass, here come’s Stan’s little homo dog.

Cartman: I hate hippies! I mean, the way they always talk about “protectin’ the earth” and then drive around in cars that get poor gas mileage and wear those stupid bracelets – I hate ’em! I wanna kick ’em in the nuts!

Cartman: Alright. Look. I didn’t want to have to say this, but I think maybe we’re not seeing heaven because one of us doesn’t believe in it enough.
Kyle: Huh?
Cartman: Heaven could be like the pixie fairies of Bubblegum Forest. You only see them if you really believe in them.
Stan: What?
Cartman: You know, maybe we’re not seeing heaven because one of us is a J-O-O.
Kyle: What does me being a Jew have to do with anything?

Cartman: Now stop wasting Mel Gibson’s time, you little pussy prick.
Stan: Don’t take that tone with me, kid. I’ll kick your ass.
Cartman: Yah. Well, I’d like to see you try. I’m, like, 6 feet tall.
Stan: Yah. Well, you sound like a little bitch to me.
Cartman: Bitch! Don’t call me bitch, bitch!
Stan: Bring it on then, bitch!
Cartman: I already brung it, bitch. I brung it, opened it, and set it on the table, bitch.

Cartman: It’s an Afghanistan goat, so it can’t stay here, or else it’ll choke on the sweet air of freedom.

Cartman: Maury, I am out of control. Yeah, I use drugs. I can do what I waunt, biatch! Yeah, I have sex, and I don’t use protection! It’s my hot body; I’ll do what I waunt! I don’t go to school and I kill people! What-evah! I’ll do what I waunt!

Cartman: Hippies.They’re everywhere. They wanna save the earth, but all they do is smoke pot and smell bad.