A Russian Ride

Russian and American are talking over a drink. “When I am in a good mood I drive a car that is painted a light color,” says the American.  When I am busy or have a lot of troubles, I drive a darker colored car. And when I go for vacation overseas, I pick a brightly colored car.

“Things are much easier in Russia, “says the Russian.” If you are in a good mood, they will give you a ride in yellow car with a blue stripe. If you feel bad, the car will be white and the stripe red. I was abroad only once, and there I drove a tank.

New Department Store

Russians asked Japanese to design a new department store. Japanese came up with an idea that all what are needed is just a huge building and two people to work in it.
– How’s that only two?
– One at the front door, to say: “There is nothing available!” And the other one at the exit: “Haven’t we warned you?!”

You Know You Are Russian When

1. You had to share a room until you were 21.
2. You try and reuse gift wrappers, gift boxes, and of course aluminum foil.
3. You are standing next to the two largest suitcases at the airport.
4. You arrive one or two hours late to a party – and think it s normal.
5. All your children have nicknames, which sound nowhere close to their real names.
6. You know someone with 20 kids
7. You talk for an hour at the front door when leaving someone’s house.
8. You can fit 10 people into a civic
9. Your parents never throw anything away and if you by some chance manage to get something to make it to the garbage can… it mysteriously appears back where it was again.
10. You have lace curtains.
11. You have lace tablecloths.
12. You have or had rugs on your walls.
13. Your mom tells you you’re too skinny even though your 30 pounds overweight.
14. Girls can t have boyfriends when they are 17 but they have to be married at 18.
15. Your parents tell you not to care what your friends think but they won’t let you do certain things because of what other ‘brat’ya’ and ‘sestri’ will think.
16. You or your relatives have at least five gold teeth in their mouth.
17. Either you or 40 of your relatives drive a civic, eclipse, camry, bmw or accord.
18. Your car windows are tinted twice the legal limit.
19. Going over 100 mph is routine.
20. You’re driving on 2 tickets and don’t remember what your license looks like.
21. You’ve been driving without a license for 2 years.
22. You say “lets meet at 9”, you actually mean “I’ll wake up at 9, take a shower, eat, watch tv and meet you at 12”.
23. You stand around in circles of friends for an hour deciding what to do.
24. After leaving a restaurant, it actually means you’re going outside to the parking lot to talk for another hour.
25. Your uncle/dad fixes cars from the auction.
26. You drive a car bought from an auction. (which u will later sell and make a hefty profit off of unsuspecting American buyers).
27. You know your a new Russian immigrant if you wear church shoes with jeans, shorts, or slacks… while playing volleyball.
28. You know you are a new Russian immigrant if you tuck your shirt in your shorts.
29. At least 5 of your relatives are named Volodia, Yura, Olya, Oksana, Nataliya or Tanya
30. All of your CDs are burned, or u bought them at a Bazar for 2 bucks a piece.
31. You can make Perogis in 18 different flavors.
32. You get kicked out of every go kart, theme park, and anything potentially dangerous.
33. When you work at construction site.
34. You have five leather jackets and matching gloves.
35. You keep your stash of cash under your mattress instead of a savings account.
36. Twelve of your friends get into a movie with only one ticket.
37. Your house is full of foreign medicine that is probably illegal here.
38. You sing at every party you go to.
39. Your mom recycles plastic cups and plastic plates, and sandwich bags by washing them.
40. You don t know how to use a dishwasher.
41. You use grocery bags to hold garbage.
42. Your dad has butchered a pig or lamb.
43. You keep leftover food in your fridge in as many numbers of bowls as possible.
44. Your kitchen shelf is full of jam jars, varieties of bowls and plastic utensils.
45. You eat bread with everything.

How do you know you’re a Russian in the US

  1. Your car costs more than your college education
  2. Your blood has a permanent vodka content level, no matter you have been drinking or not
  3. Any outfit you wear involves leather (even in the summer even when no coats are worn)
  4. Your idea of a normal Friday or Saturday night is spending it raving with 200-300 of your closest friends
  5. Your idea of a love song is Track 1 of the New York Underground Party Volume 3 CD.
  6. Things you can’t live without include food, water, and a cell phone
  7. Instead of notes during class you write text messages to your friends in Russian font
  8. You come home at 3am and your parents are still out partying with all your friend’s parents
  9. People are always asking you if you can get them a cheep deal on something…and you can
  10. Every sentence you say or hear starts with “blyat” and ends with “nahuy”
  11. You know the new line of Nokia’s 3 months before they come out on the market
  12. You can’t go to the movies on Sunday night without having to save 20 seats for your late friends cuz they’re buying semichki
  13. You don’t mind family get-togethers because you know the grandmas will be making dinner
  14. You know all the cops by their first names
  15. You know someone who works at a dental lab
  16. You are somehow related to most of the people you know
  17. On the weekends your place of residence is the pool hall, and every 10 mins the tolstii pon’chik tells you to pick up line 2
  18. You drive a Honda (or, in the EXTREME worse case a Nissan), and your windows are tinted to twice the legal limit
  19. Your Honda has either a RU (Russia) or UA (Ukraine) sticker on the back bumper
  20. Your Honda is a 5-speed stick shift, and you laugh at anyone driving an automatic by calling them lohs
  21. At any given moment you are carrying at least a dime bag of shmal’…
  22. Your uncle is in the Russian Mafia or is a former employee of the KGB
  23. You have been kicked out of the JCC at least twice for trying to sneak in without paying.
  24. You can be identified as “Russian” by your scent (D&G or Aqua de Gio cologne).
  25. The waitresses at Omega know your order even before you say anything. Most of the time you get “Gypsy”.
  26. You met your girl playing strip durak at the last party you went to.
  27. Everyone you know has a ruchka of smirnoff in their trunk.
  28. You wake up on a saturday morning, unable to remember which one of your friends gave you a ride home because you couldn’t even walk, but see your car standing in the parking lot (you drove home yourself).
  29. You start thinking of bread as a good mixer for vodka
  30. You know more than 30 Olgas, Annas, Natashas, and Vikas
  31. You have to tell your parents what channel is “YOUR” HBO, Showtime, Per-View is on.
  32. Your parents have computer “experience” for 8 years already on the resume, yet they been in US for only 4…
  33. You major in Computer Science or in worst case scenario Information Systems (but you still barely know how to turn on a computer).
  34. You have a personalized license plate.
  35. When you are going downtown you ride in one of the last two train carts.
  36. Typical Friday/Saturday night phone call to your friends starts with “So what are we doing tonight?”
  37. Most of your clothes are fake brand names but you “just can’t tell them apart from the real ones.”
  38. Your fake id is the International Driving License who you got through your friend who goes to Kingsburough.
  39. You used to work out, but you don’t anymore. If you do workout, you must wear all you golden chains and bracelets.
  40. Lifting a cigarette while drinking coffee counts as an exercise.
  41. You have a fake Movado because you can’t afford a real Rolex.
  42. Once in a while you attempt to go to synagogue but you never make it past the door because you meet so many people you haven’t seen for so long.
  43. Some English words like “use, shop, apply, and etc.” permanently become a part of your conversational
  44. You’re proud to be Russian – and you pass these jokes on to all your Russian friends!