Let’s kill a bicycle repairman

President Bush and Dick Cheney, were sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, “Isn’t that Bush and Cheney sitting over there?”The barman looks over and confirms, “Yep, that’s them.”

So the guy walks over and says, “Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?”Bush checks to make sure no one is listening in, and whispers, “We’re planning our next war.”

And the guy says, “Really? What’s going to happen?”

Bush says, “Well, we’re going to kill 140 million Iraqis and one bicycle repairman.”

The guy exclaimed, “A bicycle repairman? Why kill a bicycle repairman?”

And Bush turns to Cheney, punches him on the shoulder and says, “See, smart ass? I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!”

Bush Quotes

George W. Bush’s reputation isn’t in having a stellar command of the English language. Here are some examples to concrete this reputation, and frankly, they are royal screw ups…

“The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.”
…George W. Bush, Jr.

“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.”
…George W. Bush, Jr.

“Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.”
…Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

“Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts.”
…Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

“Mars is essentially in the same orbit… Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.”
…Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 8/11/94

“The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. I mean in this century’s history. But we all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this century.”
…Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/15/95

“I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy – but that could change.”
…Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 5/22/98

“One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is ‘to be prepared’.”
…Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 12/6/93

“Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.”
…Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 11/30/96

“I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.” ….Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

“The future will be better tomorrow.”
…Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

“We’re going to have the best educated American people in the world.”
…Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/21/97

“People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history.”
…Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

“I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made.”
…Governor George W. Bush, Jr. to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

“We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe.”
…Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

“Public speaking is very easy.”
…Governor George W. Bush, Jr. to reporters in 10/9

“I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican”
…Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

“A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.”
…Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

“When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The
rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.”
…George W. Bush, Jr.

“Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.”
…Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 5/20/96

“We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.”
…Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/22/97

“For NASA, space is still a high priority.”
…Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/5/93

“Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.”
…Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/18/95

“The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make.”
…Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

“We’re all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made.”
…Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”
…Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

“[It’s] time for the human race to enter the solar system.”
…Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

Top Ten Clinton Movie Titles

1. Free Willy

2. The Big Lewinsky.

3. Neither an Officer nor a Gentleman.

4. Willy’s Wonka and the Cigar Factory.

5. Citizen Stain.

6. Prince of Ties.

7. Saving Private Lyin”.

8. The Lying King.

9. Terms of Impeachment.

10. Waiting to Inhale.

Solid Gold Urinal

Bill & Hillary invited Al & Tipper Gore over for dinner at the White House.  In the middle of dinner, Al excused himself to use the bathroom.  After a couple of minutes, he came back.  They finished dinner and left.

On the way home, Al turned to Tipper and said, “Did you know Bill has a solid-gold urinal in his bathroom? How can we tell the American people that we are serious about cutting the budget when the President has a solid-gold urinal?”

Tipper said, “There must be some mistake, I’ll call Hillary when we get home and find out.”

They get home and she calls Hillary and says, “Is it true the Bill has a solid-gold urinal in his bathroom?”

Hillary puts her hand over the receiver and says, “Bill!!! I found out who peed in your saxophone!”

Top 20 Books Which Have No Content

1. The Royal Family’s Guide to Good Marriages.

2. Safe Places to Travel in the USA.

3. The Code of Ethics for Lawyers.

4. The Australian Book of Foreplay.

5. Contraception by Pope John Paul II.

6. The Book of Motivated Postal Workers.

7. Americans’ Guide to Etiquette.

8. Bill Clinton: A Portrait of Integrity.

9. The Wit and Wisdom of George W. Bush.

10. Cooking Enjoyable Dishes with Tofu.

11. The Complete Guide to Catholic Sex.

12. Consumer Marketing Ethics.

13. Popular Lawyers.

14. John Howard: The Bourbon Years.

15. Careet Opportunities for History Majors.

16. Everything Men Know about Women.

17. Home Built Airplanes by John Denver.

18. My Life’s Memories by Ronald Reagan.

19. Things I Love About Bill by Hillary Clinton.

20. Things I Can’t Afford by Bill Gates.

Special Postage Stamp

A politician wanted a special postage stamp issued with his picture on it. So, he instructed his people, stressing that it should be of international quality.

The stamps were duly released and he was pleased. But within a few days of release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he became furious.

He called the people responsible and ordered them to investigate the matter. They checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported the problem to the politician.

The report said, “There is nothing wrong with the quality of the stamp. The problem is people are spitting on the wrong side.”

How crooked politicians are

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer’s barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, “Lordy, were they ALL dead?”

The old farmer said, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them crooked politicians lie.”