Category: Men-women humor

• Fine – I am right. This argument is over. You need to shut up.
• That’s Okay – One of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. “That’s okay” means she wants to think hard and long before deciding when and how you’ll pay for your mistake.
• Nothing – The calm before the storm. This means “Something” and you better be on your toes. Note: Arguments that start with “Nothing” usually end with “Fine” (See #1).
• Five Minutes – If getting dress, this means half an hour. (Don’t be mad about this. It’s the same definition for you when it’s your turn to do some chores around the house.
• Thanks – A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or faint. Just say, “You’re welcome,” and let it go.
• Loud Sigh – Not actually a word but rather a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing with you about “Nothing.” (See #3)
• Go Ahead – This is a dare, not permission. (Don’t Do It!)
• Don’t worry about it, I got it – The second most dangerous statement a woman can make. It means that a woman has asked a man several times to do something and is now doing it herself. (This will result in you asking at a later date, “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response, see #3.)

1. Men can play with toys all their life.
2. Men can wear shorts no matter what their legs look like.
3. Men have one wallet and one pair of shoes which are good for every season.
4. Men can choose whether or not to grow a mustache.
5. Men can “do” their fingernails with a pocket knife.
6. Men’s bellies usually hide their large hips.
7. Chocolate is just another snack.
8. The whole garage belongs to them.
9. Weddings take care of themselves.
10. Men’s last name never changes.
11. Everything on a man’s face stays its original color.
12. Men only have to shave their faces and necks.
13. Men can keep the same hairstyle for years, even decades.
14. Men can do their Christmas shopping for 25 relative on Christmas Eve in 25 minutes.
15. For men, wrinkles add character.
16. Men can go on a week’s vacation and pack only one suitcase.
17. Men’s new shoes don’t cause blisters, or cut or mangle their feet.
18. Men don’t have to stop and think which way to turn a screw.
19. Men have one mood all the time.
20. A wedding dress cost $5000. A tuxedo rental – 100 bucks
21. Men can open all their own jars.

George was a thoughtful husband. He wanted to give his wife something special for her birthday which was coming up soon. As he sat on the edge of the bed, he watched his wife turning back and forth and looking at herself in the mirror. “Reta,” he said, “What would you like for your birthday?”

His wife continued to look at herself and said, “I’d like to be six again.”

George knew just what to do. On the big day, he got up early and made his wife a bowl of Fruit Loops. Then he took her to an amusement park where they rode all the rides. Five hours later, Reta’s stomach felt upside down and her head was reeling. Never the less, George took her to McDonald’s and bought her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Next, it was a movie with popcorn, soda and her favorite candy.

As Reta wobbled into the house that evening and flopped on the bed, George asked her, “Well, Dear, what was it like to be six again?”

Reta looked up at him. Her expression changed. She said, “I meant my dress size!”

Want to know if you’re, or someone you know is a gentleman?

1. In the company of feminists, intercourse should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you’ve both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don’t miss SportsCenter

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you’ve just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she’s gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem – she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate

7. You think today’s sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetizer is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) “I hope we can still be friends.”
b) “I’m not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone….”
c) “Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You.”

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn’t have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

If you answered ‘A’ more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.

If you answered ‘B’ more than 7 times, check into therapy, you’re still a little confused.

If you answered ‘C’ more than 7 times, call me up. Let’s go drinking.

How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

As awkward as it was to share a train carriage with a male stranger, one woman decided to not let it bother her.
On the first night both the woman and man settled down for bed. After about an hour had passed the woman felt terribly cold and leaned over the top bunk and said to the man “I’m awfully cold, would you please go and get me another blanket?”
The man replied “let’s just pretend like we’re married for this one night.” The woman thought for a moment and then decided that no harm could be done so she giggled and agreed. To which the man smiled and then replied “Well then, go get your own damn blanket!”

Before – You take my breath away. After – I feel like I’m suffocating. Before – Twice a night. After – Twice a month. Before – She loves the way I take control of a Situation. After – She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac. Before – Ricky & Lucy. After – Fred & Ethel. Before – Saturday Night Live. After – Monday Night Football. Before – He makes me feel like a million dollars. After – If I had a dime for every stupid thing he’s done… Before – Don’t Stop. After – Don’t Start. Before – The Sound of Music. After – The Sound of Silence. Before – Is that all you are eating? After – Maybe you should just have a salad, honey. Before – Wheel of Fortune. After – Jeopardy. Before – It’s like living a dream. After – It’s a nightmare. Before – $60/dozen. After – $1.50/stem. Before – Turbocharged. After – Needs a jump-start Before – We agree on everything! After – Doesn’t she have a mind of her own? Before – Victoria’s Secret. After – Fruit of the Loom. Before – Feathers & handcuffs. After – Ball and chain. Before – Idol. After – Idle. Before – He’s lost without me. After – Why can’t he ask for directions? Before – When together, time stands still. After – This relationship is going nowhere. Before – Croissant and cappuccino. After – Bagels and instant coffee. Before – Oysters. After – Fishsticks. Before – I can hardly believe we found each other. After – How the hell did I end up with someone like you? Before – Romeo and Juliet. After – Bill and Hillary;

One woman stops a taxi.
– To the airport, please.
After ten minutes the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says:
– You are third pregnant woman that I have driven to the airport today.
– Are you kidding me, I am not pregnant.
– Well, you haven’t arrived to the airport yet either.

DAMNITOL Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out.

ST. MOMMA’S WORT Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, “You make me want to be a better person. ”

BUYAGRA Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN Relieves headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.

In a recent On-line poll 38,562 men across the UK were asked to identify a woman’s ultimate fantasy. 98.8% of the respondents said that a woman’s ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.