In plain English

The man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”

“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.”

“Okay,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy’s and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, ‘I’d like to buy a bra for my wife.’

‘What type of bra?’ asked the clerk.

‘Type?’ inquires the man, ‘There’s more than one type?’

‘Look around,’ said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable .

‘Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose.’

Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:
‘There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?’

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, ‘It is all really quite simple… ‘

The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.

Nine ways to know if you have estrogen issues

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You’re adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You ‘re using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: ‘How’s my driving-call 1- 800-‘.
6. Everyone’s head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from ‘outer space’
8. You’re sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
9. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

Pregnancy Q & A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A: So what’s your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural ?
A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word ‘alimony’ means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Mother-in-law’s choice

A young man finds the woman of his dreams and asks her to marry him. He
tells his mother he wants her to meet his fiance, but he wants to make a
bit of a game out of it. He says he’ll bring the girl over with two other
women and see if his mother can guess which is the one he wants to marry.
His mother agrees to the game.

That night, he shows up at his mother’s house with three beautiful young
ladies. They all sit down on the couch, and everyone has a wonderful
evening talking and getting to know each other.

At the end of the evening, the young man asks his mother, ‘OK, Mom, which
one is the woman I want to marry?’

Without any hesitation at all, his mother replies, ‘The one in the middle.’

The young man is astounded. ‘How in the world did you figure it out?’

‘Easy,’ she says. ‘I don’t like her.’

In-laws

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?” “Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”

Golfing

One weekend four married guys went golfing. During the 4th hole, the following conversation took place.

First Guy: “You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.”

Second Guy: “That’s nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.”

Third Guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.”

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What’s the deal?”

Fourth Guy: “I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, ‘Golf course or intercourse?’ She said, ‘Don’t forget your sweater.'”

19 recommendations from men to women

  1. Never buy a ‘new’ brand of beer because ‘it was on sale.’
  2. If we’re in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn’t mean we’re not watching it.
  3. Don’t tell anyone we can’t afford a new car. Tell them we don’t want one.
  4. Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.
  5. Only wearing your new lingerie once does not send the message that you need more. It tells us lingerie is a bad investment.
  6. Please don’t drive when you’re not driving.
  7. Don’t feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We’re just nodding, waiting for the punchline.
  8. The quarterback who just got pummeled isn’t trying to be brave. He’s just not crying. Big difference!
  9. When the waiter asks if everything’s okay, a simple ‘Yes’ is fine.
  10. What do you mean, ‘leering?’ She’s obstructing my view.
  11. When I ask, ‘How many guys have you slept with?’ It would be much appreciated if you did not answer honestly.
  12. When I’m turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, saying ‘Oh, this is our exit, Honey’ is not really necessary.
  13. When you’re not around, I belch so loudly that I even appall myself.
  14. The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility. It will be slightly to moderately cooler than you want it.
  15. SportsCenter starts at 10:00 P.M. and runs one hour. This is an excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or talk to your sister.
  16. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
  17. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
  18. You probably don’t want to know what we’re thinking about.
  19. It’s in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz together!

Careful what you wish for

“Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market,” said the man.

“Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically,” remarked his friend.

“I’m not bitter. Now that I’m so improved, she just isn’t good enough for me.”

If men were in charge of weddings

1. There would be a “Rehearsal Kegger” rather than a “Rehearsal Dinner.”
2. Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jeans cutoffs and halter tops. They would have NO tan lines.
3. Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors. (My fiance threatened to have his and his brother’s football numbers embroidered on their tuxes! I threatened to walk out but he said I wouldn’t see it until after we said our
vows so I’d be stuck then!)
4. June weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs
5. Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that “forsaking all others” part.
6. The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up ’73 Charger or some other Mopar muscle car with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!
7. Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were really old) would get punched in the head.
8. Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of “Best Man.”
9. There would be “Tailgate Receptions.”
10. Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at half-time or between innings.
11. Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long.
12. Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party. (Those strippers and all that alcohol sure add up!!!)
13. Men wouldn’t ask, “Well, what do you think, dear? The burgundy or the wine colored napkins?” They’d just grab extras from their local pub or tavern.
14. Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge.
15. The bride’s dress would show cleavage, her navel, and be form-fitted to her butt.
16. Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of bar-b-que.
17. No one would bother with that “Veil Routine.” But they would insist that the garter be as high up on her leg as it could go.
18. The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral or something.
19. Invitations would read as follows: Tom (Dick or Harry) is getting the ol’ ball and chain. He’s getting married.
He either:
A) knocked her up; B) couldn’t get a different roommate; or C) caved in to her ultimatum.
Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him for the rest of his life at Texas Stadium On the 50 Yard Line at half-time during Sunday’s Game. Please join us at the Clubhouse after the game For beer, nachos and pizza. Oh yeah, BYOB.

Two new additions to periodic table of elements

Element name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic weight: (don’t even go there)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180+/-50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: Child) for prolonged periods of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possible good methane source. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

Women talking, men hearing

What a Woman Says:

“This place is a mess! C’mon,
You and I need to clean up.
Your stuff is lying on the floor,
and if we don’t do laundry right now
you’ll have no clothes to wear.”

What a Man Hears:

blah, blah, blah, blah, C’MON
blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES.

How to read personal ads from women

40-ish…………………………49
Adventurous…………………Slept with all your friends
Athletic……………………….No boobs
Average looking……………..Ugly
Beautiful………………………Pathological liar
Contagious Smile…………….Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure…………..On medication
Feminist……………………….Fat
Free spirit……………………..Junkie
Friendship first……………….Former slut
Fun…………………………….Annoying
Gentle…………………………Dull
New Age………………………Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded…………………Desperate
Outgoing………………………Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate……………………Sloppy drunk
Poet……………………………Depressive
Professional…………………..Bitch
Romantic………………………Frigid
Voluptuous……………………Very Fat
Large frame…………………..Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate…………….Stalker
Widow…………………………Murderer

12 things men know

Men know that Mother Nature’s best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.

Men know that PMS is Mother Nature’s way of telling you to get out of the house.

Men know that if she looks like your mother, run.

Men know that there are at least three sides to every story: His, hers, and the truth.

Men know never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.

Men know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.

Men know exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them.

Men know that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself.

Men know that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare at her cleavage. Men also know that the woman will get ticked off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.

Men know that there is no such thing as a sure thing, unless her name is Bambi.

Men know that it’s never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how good his daughter is in bed.

Men know that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there.

Very manly occupations

The Doctor because he says, “Take off your clothes”

The Dentist because he says, “Open Wide”

The Hairdresser because he says, “Do you want it teased or blown”

The Milkman because he says, “Do you want it in front or in back?”

The Interior Decorator because he says, “Once you have it all in, you’ll love it.”

The Banker because he says, “If you take it out to soon, you’ll lose interest.”

The Police Officer because he says, “Spread’em”.

The Mailman because he always delivers his package.

The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.

The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush and shoots twice.

Car accident

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”

The man replied, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!”

The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and extends it back to the woman.

Politely, the woman refuses to accept the bottle.

The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police”

What guys really mean

When you catch a guy glancing at you, he’s actually wondering what you look like naked.

When a guy bumps into your arm while walking with you, it means your too damn close so back up 3 steps.

When a guy wants a hug he’ll go to the nudy bar and buy a lap dance.

When you break a guys heart he won’t even remember your name 3 days later.

When a guy is quiet, he’s probably masturbating.

When a guy is not arguing, it means there are no women around.

When a guy looks at you with eyes full of questions, he’s wondering what the hell are you blabbering about now.

When a guy answers, “I’m fine,” after a few seconds, he’s fine.

When a guy stares at you, he’s wondering if he slept with you before.

When a guy lays his head on your chest, well, that’s self explanatory.

When a guy says, “I miss you,” it means the scope on his rifle wasn’t set properly.

When a guy says he can’t live without you, he’s really horny and knows that’s what you want to hear.

When a guy is mean to you after a break-up, it’s because you don’t know when to let go and move on – so quit being such a clingy bitch.

Las Vegas

A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. Where are you going? he asked.

To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $400 to do what I do for you for free!

The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags. What do you think you are doing? she screamed.

Going to Las Vegas with you¦ I want to see how you live on $800 a year!