In plain English

The man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”

“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.”

“Okay,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy’s and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, ‘I’d like to buy a bra for my wife.’

‘What type of bra?’ asked the clerk.

‘Type?’ inquires the man, ‘There’s more than one type?’

‘Look around,’ said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable .

‘Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose.’

Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:
‘There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?’

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, ‘It is all really quite simple… ‘

The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.

Nine ways to know if you have estrogen issues

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You’re adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You ‘re using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: ‘How’s my driving-call 1- 800-‘.
6. Everyone’s head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from ‘outer space’
8. You’re sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
9. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

Pregnancy Q & A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A: So what’s your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural ?
A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word ‘alimony’ means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Mother-in-law’s choice

A young man finds the woman of his dreams and asks her to marry him. He
tells his mother he wants her to meet his fiance, but he wants to make a
bit of a game out of it. He says he’ll bring the girl over with two other
women and see if his mother can guess which is the one he wants to marry.
His mother agrees to the game.

That night, he shows up at his mother’s house with three beautiful young
ladies. They all sit down on the couch, and everyone has a wonderful
evening talking and getting to know each other.

At the end of the evening, the young man asks his mother, ‘OK, Mom, which
one is the woman I want to marry?’

Without any hesitation at all, his mother replies, ‘The one in the middle.’

The young man is astounded. ‘How in the world did you figure it out?’

‘Easy,’ she says. ‘I don’t like her.’

In-laws

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?” “Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”

Golfing

One weekend four married guys went golfing. During the 4th hole, the following conversation took place.

First Guy: “You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.”

Second Guy: “That’s nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.”

Third Guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.”

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What’s the deal?”

Fourth Guy: “I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, ‘Golf course or intercourse?’ She said, ‘Don’t forget your sweater.'”

19 recommendations from men to women

  1. Never buy a ‘new’ brand of beer because ‘it was on sale.’
  2. If we’re in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn’t mean we’re not watching it.
  3. Don’t tell anyone we can’t afford a new car. Tell them we don’t want one.
  4. Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.
  5. Only wearing your new lingerie once does not send the message that you need more. It tells us lingerie is a bad investment.
  6. Please don’t drive when you’re not driving.
  7. Don’t feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We’re just nodding, waiting for the punchline.
  8. The quarterback who just got pummeled isn’t trying to be brave. He’s just not crying. Big difference!
  9. When the waiter asks if everything’s okay, a simple ‘Yes’ is fine.
  10. What do you mean, ‘leering?’ She’s obstructing my view.
  11. When I ask, ‘How many guys have you slept with?’ It would be much appreciated if you did not answer honestly.
  12. When I’m turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, saying ‘Oh, this is our exit, Honey’ is not really necessary.
  13. When you’re not around, I belch so loudly that I even appall myself.
  14. The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility. It will be slightly to moderately cooler than you want it.
  15. SportsCenter starts at 10:00 P.M. and runs one hour. This is an excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or talk to your sister.
  16. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
  17. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
  18. You probably don’t want to know what we’re thinking about.
  19. It’s in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz together!