The Ant and The Grasshopper

CLASSIC VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

MODERN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing “It’s Not Easy Being Green.” Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant’s house where the news stations film the group singing “We shall overcome”. Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper’s sake. Al Gore exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his “fair share”. Finally, the EEOC drafts the “Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act”, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients. The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant’s food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant’s old house, crumbles around him because he doesn’t maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

Actual responses in court

Q. What is your brother-in-law’s name?

A. Borofkin.

Q. What’s his first name?

A. I can’t remember.

Q. He’s been your brother-in-law for years, and you can’t remember his

first name?

A. No. I tell you I’m too excited. (Rising from the witness chair

and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God’s sake, tell them your

first name!

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?

A. I refuse to answer that question.

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?

A. I refuse to answer that question.

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?

A. No.

Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?

A. By death.

Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

Q. What is your name?

A. Ernestine McDowell.

Q. And what is your marital status?

A. Fair.

Q. Are you married?

A. No, I’m divorced.

Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?

A. A lot of things I didn’t know about.

Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?

A. My ex-widow said it.

Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?

A. I will be three months November 8th.

Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?

A. Yes.

Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?

A. I should be.

Q. How many times have you committed suicide?

A. Four times.

Q. Were you acquainted with the defendant?

A. Yes, sir.

Q. Before or after he died?

Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the

influence?

A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn’t pronunciate his words.

Q. What happened then?

A. He told me, he says, “I have to kill you because you can identify

me.”

Q. Did he kill you?

A. No.

Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a

deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present

information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.

Before we recess, let’s listen to one last exchange involving a child:

Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What

school do you go to?

A. Oral.

Q. How old are you?

A. Oral.