Sneaky Lawyer

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: ‘My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.’

‘Well put, ‘ the judge replied. ‘Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.’

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

What Is Two Plus Two?

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with “How much is two plus two?” The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, “Four.”

The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Again, the last question was, “How much is two plus two?” Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced, “Four.”

The lawyer was interviewed last, and again the final question was, “How much is two plus two?” The lawyer drew all the shades in the room, looked outside to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and then whispered, “How much do you want it to be?”

Expensive Advice

Two members of a country club, one a doctor, the other a lawyer, were having dinner in the lounge overlooking the golf course.

Midway through the meal, a lady who was a patient of the doctor, left her table and came over to the doctor.

“I’m sorry to interrupt your dinner, Doctor,” said the woman, “but I’ve had a terrible headache all day.”

“Well,” said the doctor, “I can’t really say what the problem is offhand, but you should go home, take a couple of aspirin, and go to bed. If it isn’t gone in the morning, call my office for an appointment.”

The woman thanked him and went back to her table. The doctor turned to his friend, the lawyer, and said, “Do you think I should send her a bill?”

“No,” said the lawyer.

The next day, a courier brought a bill to the doctor from the lawyer.

The IRS

 A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, “Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated.”

“And what,” his friend asked, “do you want me to do with your ashes?”

The businessman said, “Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service, and write on the envelope, ‘Now you have everything’.”

The Hit and Run Case

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver’s side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

“I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else.”

“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, “Don’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.”

“Ahhh!” screamed the lawyer. “Where’s my Rolex!”

Weapons

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Many years ago, a junior partner in a firm was sent to a far-away state to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released. Excited about his success, the attorney telegraphed the firm: “Justice prevailed.” The senior partner replied in haste: “Appeal immediately.”

Car Crash

A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away. “Aren’t you going to have a drink yourself?” asked the doctor.

“Sure; after the police leave,” replied the lawyer.

A Trial in the UK

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. Then she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.
When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: ” When the lady boarded the bus I couldn’t help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read “Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins”, then she moved under one that read “Sloans Liniments remove swelling”. I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read “William’s Stick Did The Trick”. Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read “Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.”
The case was dismissed.

Busy Lawyer

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first.

One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking. “No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won’t settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I’ll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I’ll meet with him next week to discuss the details. ”

This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. “I’m sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I’m very busy. What can I do for you?”

The man replied, “I’m from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone.”