Short Lawyer Jokes

Q. What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start!

Q. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A. His lips are moving.

Q. What’s the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Q. Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
A. Professional courtesy.

Q. What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A. Not enough sand.

Q. What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A. A Lobotomy.

Q. How do you save five drowning lawyers?
A. Who cares?

Q. What do you call a block of cement containing ten lawyers?
A. A waste of cement.

Q. How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A1. Shoot him before he hits the water.
A2. Take your foot off his head.

Q. How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A. Cut the rope.

Q. What do you do if you run over a Lawyer?
A1. Back over him to make sure.
A2. Make another notch on the steering wheel.

Q. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of sh*t?
A. The bucket.

Q. What is the definition of a shame (as in “that’s a shame”)?
A. When a bus load of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q. What is the definition of a “crying shame”?
A. There was an empty seat.

Q. What can a goose do, a duck can’t, and a lawyer should?
A. Stick his bill up his ass.

Q. What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A. An offer you can’t understand.

Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.

Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetery.

Q. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Q. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.

Q. What’s the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
A. A hooker will stop fucking you when you’re dead.

Q. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don’t you swerve to hit him?
A. It might be your bicycle.

Q. What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A. Their personalities.

Q. What’s brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
A. A doberman.

Q. Why are lawyers buried 12 feet underground?
A. Deep down their good.

Q. What’s the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A. One’s a slimy scum-sucking scavenger, the other is just a fish.

Q. Why are lawyers great in bed?
A. They get so much practice screwing people.

Q. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A. The lawyer charges more.

Eight Courtroom Questions

1. “Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?”

2. “The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?”

3. “Were you present when your picture was taken?”

4. “Were you alone or by yourself?”

5. “Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?”

6. “Did he kill you?”

7. “How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?”

8. “You were there until the time you left.”

Generous Lawyer

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um … no.”

The lawyer interrupts, “or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

“or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!”

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…”

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”

Billing

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”

“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Guess Who

A guy walks into a post office one day and sees a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying the scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he approaches the balding man and asks him what he’s doing. The man says, “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”

“But why?” asks the man.

“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.

Good news and bad news

“I have good news and bad news,” the defense lawyer says to his client.

“What’s the bad news?”

The lawyer says, “Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene.”

“Dammit!” cries the client. “What’s the good news?”

“Well,” the lawyer says, “Your cholesterol is down to 140.”

Robbery

Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two’s hand.

Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, “What is this?” to which lawyer number one replies, “It’s that $50 I owe you.”