Texas justice

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”

The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”

The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule.”

The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?.”

The farmer replied, “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.”

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man’s nose off his face. The barrister was flat on this belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “OK, you old coot! now, it’s my turn.” The old farmer smiled and said, “No I give up, you can have the duck.

12 Lawyer Joke

Q: What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving?
A: Skeet.

Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: A tick falls off of you when you die.

Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of lawyers on them … and people couldn’t figure out which side to spit on.

Q: What’s the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.

Q:You’re trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a lawyer.
A:You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

Lawyer Funeral

A man is at his lawyer’s funeral and and is surprised by the turnout for this one man. He turns to the people around him. “Why are you all at this man’s funeral?”
A man turns towards him and says, “We’re all clients.”

“And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching.”

“No, we came to make sure he was dead.”

Honest lawyer

An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers.
‘As I’m sure you can understand,’ she started off with one of the first applicants, ‘in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.’ She leaned forward. ‘Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?’

‘Honest?’ replied the job prospect. ‘Let me tell you something about honesty. Why, I’m so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.’

‘Impressive….. And what sort of case was that?’

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, ‘He sued me for the money.’

Lawyer’s brain

A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:
How much for engineer brain?
Three dollars for one hundred grams.
How much for doctor brain?
Four dollars for one hundred grams.
How much for lawyer brain?
One hundred dollars for fifty grams.
Why is lawyer brain so much more?
Do you know how many lawyes you need to kill to get once ounce of brain?

Real answers in court

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteen.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

—————————————————

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

—————————————————

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?

—————————————————

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

—————————————————

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

—————————————————

Q: And where was the location of the accident?

A: Approximately milepost 499.

Q: And where is milepost 499?

A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

—————————————————

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?

A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

—————————————————

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?

A: After the accident?

Q: Before the accident.

A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

—————————————————

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?

A: Yes.

Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?

A: Yes, sir.

Q: What did she say?

A: What disco am I at?

—————————————————

Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about
it until the next morning?

—————————————————

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

—————————————————

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

—————————————————

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

—————————————————

Q: Did he kill you?

—————————————————

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

—————————————————

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

—————————————————

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

—————————————————

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

—————————————————

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

—————————————————

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes.

Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

————————————————–

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?

A: I went to Europe, Sir.

Q: And you took your new wife?

—————————————————

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

—————————————————

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

—————————————————

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

—————————————————

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

—————————————————

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

—————————————————

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.

—————————————————

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

—————————————————

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

—————————————————

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?

A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Switched From Mice to Lawyers

At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, “Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?” “Really?” the other replied, “Why did you switch?” “Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don’t get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won’t do.