Category: Jokes

A florist received an outraged telephone call from a man who had moved his restaurant to a new spot in town. The restaurant owner had been sent a funeral wreath along with a card that read:
SINCEREST SYMPATHIES.

The florist realized that he must have mixed up two orders and shuddered to think of the flowers that should have gone to the restaurant man. He had sent to the funeral a clover design of red roses across which was a bright green ribbon bearing the inscription: =20

BEST OF LUCK IN YOUR NEW LOCATION.

Two kids went into their parents bathroom and noticed the weigh scale in the corner. “Whatever you do,” cautioned one youngster to the other, “Don’t step on it!”

“Why not?” asked the sibling.

“Because every time mom does, she lets out an awful scream!”

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter’s birthday and he hadn’t bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager “How much is that new Barbie in the window?”

The Manager replied, “Which one? We have, ‘Barbie goes to the gym’ for $19.95 …

‘Barbie goes to the Ball’ for $19.95 …

‘Barbie goes shopping for $19.95 …

‘Barbie goes to the beach’ for $19.95…

‘Barbie goes to the Nightclub’ for $19.95 …

and ‘Divorced Barbie’ for $375.00.”

“Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?” Dad asked surprised.

“Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s car, Ken’s House, Ken’s boat, Ken’s dog, Ken’s cat and Ken’s furniture.”

1. You know the state flower is mildew.
2. You know the state motto: “Rain? What rain?”
3. You have a T-shirt that says, “200 Billion Slugs Can’t Be Wrong!”
4. You use the term “sun break” and know what it means.
5. You open the windows in the summer to let the warm air in.
6. Your Early Girl tomatoes ripen in September.
7. Names like Point No Point, Useless Bay, Deception Pass, Destruction Island and Friday Harbor don’t phase you.
8. You feel guilty throwing out paper or aluminum cans.
9. You know more people who own a boat than own an air conditioner.
10. You will stand on a deserted corner in the rain and wait for the “Walk” signal.
11. You feel overdressed if you wear a suit to a fancy restaurant.
12. You can order coffee 10 different ways.
13. You can taste the difference between Seattle’s Best, Tully’s and Starbucks.
14. To you, swimming is an indoor sport.
15. You never go camping without a poncho and waterproof matches.
16. You know the difference between Coho, Chinook, and Sockeye salmon.
17. You know how to pronounce Puyallup, Sequim, Sekiu, Yakima, Oregon, Wenatchee, Steilacoom, Quileute, Cle Elum and Willamette.
18. You know Forks is not a bunch of eating utensil but a town on the Olympic Peninsula.
19. You can tell the difference between Thai, Japanese and Chinese food.
20. You know that Boring is not a state of mind, but a town in Oregon.
21. You have no concept of humidity without precipitation.
22. You know that a forecast of “rain, changing to showers” means “constant drizzle changing to intermittent drizzle.”
23. You are not fazed by the weather forecast, “Today: Showers followed by rain. Tomorrow: Rain followed by showers.”
24. You rejoice at a forecast of “rain with sun breaks.”
25. You know what “The mountain is out” means.
26. When the temperature gets above 50, you put on your shorts (If you’re warm blooded, that is. If you’re cold blooded, you wear a sweatshirt all summer.)
27. You can point out at least two volcanoes, even if you can’t see through the cloud cover.
28. You think people who use umbrellas are either tourists or wimps (or both).
29. You have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.
30. You knew immediately that the view out of Frazier’s window was fake.
31. You use a down comforter and wear flannel pajamas in the summer.
32. Your kid’s Halloween costumes fit under a raincoat.
33. You know all the seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Raining (Spring), Road Construction (Summer), Deer and Elk season (Fall).
34. Every year you have to buy new sunglasses because you can’t find the old ones after such a long time.

1. Pull up your droopy pants. You look like an idiot.

2. Let’s get this straight; it’s called a “gravel road.” I drive a pickup truck because I need to. No matter how slow you drive, you’re going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

3. They are horses, cattle & oil wells. That’s what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don’t like it? I-90 and I-94 go east and west, I-15 goes north and south. Pick one.

4. So you have a $60,000 dollar car. We’re impressed. We have quarter-million dollar, air conditioned tractors that we drive three weeks a year.

5. So every person in every pickup waves. It’s being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time.

7. Yeah, we eat Walleye & Rainbow Trout. You really want sushi & caviar? It’s available at the corner bait shop.

8. The “Opener” refers to the first day of deer season. It’s a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

9. We open doors for women. That is applied to everyone, regardless of age.

10. No, there’s no “vegetarian special” on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef’s Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham & turkey.

11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and A-1.

12. You bring “coke” into my house, it better be brown, wet, served over ice. You bring “Mary Jane” into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

13. High School Football is as important here as the Vikings and the Seattle Seahawks and a dang site more fun to watch.

14. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don’t hit the water hazards —- it spooks the fish.

15. Colleges? Try Montana State or the University of Montana. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come for the holidays.

16. We have more folks per capita in the Navy, Army, Marines, and Air Force than any other state, so “Don’t Mess with Montana.” If you do, you’ll likely get your butt kicked.

1. Hot water comes out of both taps.
2. You find out that a seatbelt buckle makes a pretty nice branding iron.
3. The trees are whistling for the dogs.
4. You find out that you can get sunburned through your car window.
5. The birds need to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
6. You burn your hand opening the car door.
7. The temperature drops below 95 and you put on a sweater.
8. You can make instant sun tea.
9. Shade determines the best parking space, not distance.
10. Farmers feed their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.
11. When you step outside at 7:30 a.m., you break into a sweat.
12. Potatoes cook underground. This is convenient because all you have to do is pull one out and add salt, pepper and butter.
13. You discover that asphalt has a liquid state.
14. You realize that it only takes two fingers to steer your car.

What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?
“You may have graduated but I’ve got many degrees”.

• There is nothing left anymore to learn the hard way.
• Things that you buy now won’t wear out.
• Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
• You no longer think of the speed limit as a challenge.
• Your investment in health insurance is finally paying off.
• You can quit trying to hold in your stomach no matter who walks into the room.
• Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them anyway.
• You can sing along with elevator music.
• Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the guy on the television.
• Your eyes won’t get too much worse.
• Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
• People call you at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you???? “
• You can get into a heated argument about pension plans.
• You can eat dinner at 4:00 in the afternoon.
• In a hostage situation you are the most likely to be released first.
• No one expects you to run — anywhere. You are no longer viewed as a hypochondriac.
• You are no longer viewed as a hypochondriac.

A man went into a Wells Fargo bank and planned to rob it. He got a deposit slip and wrote on it: “This iz a stikup. Put all the munny in this bag.” Then he stood in line. But he got nervous thinking that someone might have seen him write the note. So he left the bank and crossed the street to the Bank of America. He waited in line, then handed the note to the teller. After reading the note, the teller determined that the man was not very bright. So he told him he could not accept the stickup note because it was written on a Wells Fargo deposit slip. He would either have to fill out a Bank of America deposit slip or go back to the Wells Fargo. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, “OK,” and returned to the Wells Fargo where he was arrested while standing in line.

Teacher: What are the four main food groups?
Students: Canned, frozen, instant, and lite.