Category: Jokes

A guest in a posh hotel comes down to breakfast and called over the head waiter and read from the menu “I’d like one under cooked egg so that it’s running, and one over cooked egg that’s tough and hard to eat. I’d also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it’s impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee.”

“That’s a complicated order sir”, said the bewildered waiter. “It might be quite difficult.” The guest replied sarcastically, “It can’t be that difficult because that’s exactly what you brought me yesterday!”

At the end of their first date, a young man takes his favorite girl home.
Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and,
smiling, he says to her, “Darling, how ’bout a goodnight kiss?”

Horrified, she replies, “Are you mad? My parents will see us!”

“Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?”

“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”

“Oh come on, there’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”

“No way. It’s just too risky!”

“Oh please, please, I like you so much!!”

“No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can’t!”

“Oh yes you can. Please?”

“NO, no. I just can’t.”

“Pleeeeease?…”

Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl’s sister shows up in
her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: “Dad says
to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he’ll come
down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand
off the intercom button!”

Nan: How do you like your new studio apartment?
Dan: I have no room for complaint.

1. “I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, its’ going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20.”
2. “Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won’t be long when $5000 will only buy a used one.”
3. “If cigarettes keep going up in price, I’m going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.”
4. “Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?”
5. “The Government is wanting to get its hands on everything. Pretty soon it’s going to be impossible to run a family business or farm.”
6. “If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.”
7. “When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 50 cents a gallon. Guess we’d be better off leaving the car in the garage.”
8. “Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls.”
9. “Also, their music drives me wild. This ‘Rock Around The Clock’ thing is nothing but racket.”
10. “I’m afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying ‘damn’ in ‘Gone With The Wind,’ it seems every movie has a ‘hell’ or a ‘damn’ in it.”
11. “Also, it won’t be long until couples are sleeping in the same bed in the movies. What is this world coming to?”
12. “Marilyn Monroe is now showing her bra and panties, so apparently there are no standards anymore.”
13. “Pretty soon you won’t be able to buy a good 10 cent cigar.”
14. “I read the other day where some scientist thinks it’s possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the of the century.They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas.”
15. “Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn’t surprise me if someday they’ll be making more than the president.”
16. “Do you suppose television will ever reach our part of the country?”
17. “I never thought I’d see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.”
18. “It’s too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.”
19. “It won’t be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.”
20. “Marriage doesn’t mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat.”
21. “I’ll tell you one thing. If my kid ever talks back to me, they won’t be able to sit down for a week.”
22. “Did you know the new church in town is allowing women to wear slacks to their service?”
23. “Next thing you know is, the government will start paying us not to grow crops.”
24. “I’m just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.”
25. “Thank goodness I won’t live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress.”
26. “Why in the world would you want to send your daughter to college? Isn’t she going to get married? It would be different if she could be a doctor or a lawyer.”
27. “I just hate to see the young people smoking. As I tell my kids ‘Don’t take a cigarette from ANYONE. You never know what might be in it.'”
28. “The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.”
29. “There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel.”
30. “No one can afford to be sick any more, $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood.”
31. “If a few idiots want to risk their necks flying across the country that’s fine, but nothing will ever replace trains.”
32. “I don’t know about you but if they raise the price of coffee to 15 cents, I’ll just have to drink mine at home.”
33. “If they think I’ll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it. I’ll have my wife learn to cut hair.”
34. “We won’t be going out much any more. Our baby sitter informed us she wants 50 cents an hour. Kids think money grows on trees.”
35. “Cars which dim their lights by sensors, automatic transmissions, and who knows what else? Pretty soon they will drive themselves.”

1. You ate the turkey, the pop-up thermometer and the plastic net
2. Last thing you remember is positioning your open mouth behind a dump truck full of yams
3. All your silverware is worn down to tiny stumps
4. While picking your teeth, you dislodge an angry construction worker
5. Strangers keep addressing you as “Mr. President”
6. This morning, the display on your bathroom scale read “Good Lord!”
7. You now have an ass the size of Plymouth Rock
8. People keep looking at you and saying, “I thought the Macy’s Parade was over”
9. Your relatives can’t go home because they’re stuck in your gravitational field.
10. You’re sweating gravy, my friend!

1. Plague of Spotted Owls Threaten Crops, Livestock
2. Texas Executes Last Remaining Citizen
3. Great and Benevolent Galactic Ruler Reveals That Anal Probes Were
4. “Just For Fun”
5. Mother Monica Dies: Revered Hero of Bangkok Slums Overcame Lurid Past
6. With US President
7. Wealthy Widow Anna Nicole Smith, 83, Weds Handsome Young Actor. “This
8. Is True Love,” He Beams.
9. Construction Begins On Grenada War Memorial In D.C.
10. Cody, Cassidy Gifford Elude Authorities. Drug-Crazed Crime Spree Continues
11. President “Bonecrusher” Jones to Face Chief Justice “Mad Dog” Ortega
12. In Cage Match
13. Pope Phil II Settles Custody Battle With Ex-Wife
14. Upcoming NFL Draft Likely to Focus On Mutants
15. Younger Generation’s Music Provokes Outrage of Elders
16. D.C. Zoo to Receive Rare Cow
17. Authentic Year 2000 Chad Sells For $6.9 Million at Sotheby’s
18. Nursing Home Lawsuit Case: Clinton Denies Candy Striper’s Allegations
19. Court Clears
20. AOLTimeWarnerGE-DisneyCiscoFordRJR-NabiscoExxon-Mobil of Monopoly Charges
21. 50-Year Study: Diet and Exercise Key to Weight Loss
22. Baby Conceived Naturally
23. It Wasn’t the Cigarettes – It Was the Ashtrays

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth
3. Job interfering with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5. Career won’t progress beyond Senator from Massachusettes.
6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8. Two hands and just one mouth… – now THAT’S a drinking problem!
9. When you can focus better with one eye closed
10. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar
11. Every woman you see has an exact twin.
12. You wake up to find Windows 95 installed on your machine.
13. If you keep asking your wife “where are the kids?”, but you don’t
14. really have a wife and you’re talking to the refridgerator.
15. You fall off the floor.
16. You discover in the morning liquid cleaning supplies have disappeared.
17. Had “Spuds McKenzie” tattoo removed, replaced it with “Red Dog.”
18. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
19. Beer: it’s not just for breakfast anymore.
20. The glass keeps missing your mouth.
21. Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
22. When you go to donate blood and they ask what proof?
23. Vampires get woozy after bitting you.
24. At AA meeting you begin: “Hi, my name is… uh…”
25. Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer.
26. Having a hard time staying on the side walk – left, right, stumble, fall.
27. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom.
28. You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol,
29. and Women.
30. Every night you’re beginning to find your roomate’s cat more attractive.
31. Waking up with a traffic cone between your legs.
32. If on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol
33. calories.
34. The bottle’s empty…that’s the problem!
35. Find yourself as the captain for the Exxon Valdez.
36. Roseanne looks good.
37. Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of bottle.
38. You drink to get over a hangover.
39. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
40. Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground in circles after biting you.
41. Newt Gingrich…. he’s soooo sexy.
42. You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the
43. Fourth of July party in Waikiki.
44. Red dog upside down looks like batman eating a catwoman.
45. Boris Yeltsin tries to get you to join AA.
46. The shrubbery’s drunk from frequent watering.
47. Do you (your name) take this woman…..
48. Your only friends are Jack, Johnnie, and Jose.
49. Double vision so much the norm, you can’t function without it.
50. You listen to the radio and start dancing to Hootie and the Blowfish.
51. You can’t remember what your family looks like… or if you have a family.
52. Haven’t stopped drinking since Carter got elected.
53. You spend a whole night holding up walls to prevent their collapse.

1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
2. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
3. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
5. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case
6. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope
9. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
10. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
11. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms
12. Eye Drops Off Shelf
13. Teachers Strike Idle Kids
14. Clinton Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
15. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
16. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
17. Miners Refuse To Work After Death
18. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
19. Stolen Painting Found By Tree
20. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter
21. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years
22. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One
23. War Dims Hope For Peace
24. If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
25. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
26. Deer Kill 17,000
27. Enfields Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide
28. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
29. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
30. Man Struck By Lightening Faces Battery Charge
31. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
32. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft
33. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
34. Chef Throws His Heart In Helping Feed Needy
35. Arson Suspect Held In Massachusetts Fire
36. Ban On Soliciting Dead In Trotwood
37. Local High School Dropout Cuts In Half
38. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
39. Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors

1. The Code of Ethics for Lawyers
2. The Australian Book of Foreplay
3. The Book of Motivated Postal Workers
4. Americans’ Guide to Etiquette
5. The World Guide to Good American Beer
6. Royal Family’s Guide to Good Marriages
7. Safe Places to Travel in the USA
8. Bill Clinton: A Portrait of Integrity
9. Jerry Garcia’s Guide to Beating Drug Addiction
10. Contraception by Pope John Paul II
11. Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu
12. The Complete Guide to Catholic Sex
13. The Wit and Wisdom of Dan Quayle.
14. Consumer Marketing Ethics
15. Al Gore: The Wild Years
16. America’s Most Popular Lawyers
17. Career Opportunities for History Majors
18. Detroit – A Travel Guide
19. Dr. Kevorkian’s Collection of Motivational Speeches
20. Easy UNIX
21. Everything Men Know about Women
22. George Foreman’s Big Book of Baby Names
23. Mike Tyson’s Guide to Dating Etiquette
24. The Amish Phone Book
25. Great Women Drivers Of Today
26. Beauty Secrets by Janet Reno
27. Home Built Airplanes by John Denver
28. How To Get To The Super Bowl by Dan Marino
29. Things I Love About Bill by Hillary Clinton
30. My Life’s Memories by Ronald Reagan
31. Things I Can’t Afford by Bill Gates
32. Things I Would Not Do For Money by Dennis Rodman
33. The Wild Years by Al Gore
34. Amelia Earhart’s Guide To The Pacific
35. America’s Most Popular Lawyers
36. All The Men I’ve Loved Before by Ellen DeGeneres