Category: Jokes

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Exam Results

Father: Well son, how are your exam results?
Son: They’re all under water
Father: What do you mean?
Son: They’re all under C level.

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Mother-in-law

Bill: I was sorry to hear that your mother-in-law died. What was the complaint?
George: We haven’t had any yet.

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The Perfect Wal-Mart Greeter

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, “Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart …. Nice children you’ve got there – are they twins?”

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, “Hell no they ain’t, the oldest one, he’s 9 and the younger one, she’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins?…….. Do you really think they look alike?”

“No,” replies the greeter, “I just couldn’t believe you got laid twice!”

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100 funny jokes you never heard

  1. Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. “I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast,” he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. “Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me,” he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. “I don’t know,” he says meekly, “but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast.”
  2. My grandfather always said, “Don’t watch your money; watch your health.” So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather. (Jackie Mason)
  3. Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, “Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.” He goes: “Not in a row!” (Steven Wright)
  4. Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: “Saul, sell your business.” He ignores it. It goes on for days. “Saul, sell your business for $3 million.” After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas.” He asks why. “Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas.” He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, “Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand.” He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. “Saul, take a card.” What? The dealer has — “Take a card!” He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. “Saul, take another card.” What? “TAKE ANOTHER CARD!” He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. “Saul, take another card,” the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. “TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!” booms the voice. Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: “un-fucking-believable!”
  5. A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. “Cold floors,” he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, “Bad food.” They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. “I quit,” he says. “That’s not surprising,” the elders say. “You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”
  6. I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said. “No. I hate myself now.” (Rodney Dangerfield)
  7. A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, “please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back.” And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: “He had a hat!” (Myron Cohen)
  8. Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. “Here’s that $20 I owe you,” he says.
  9. I went to my doctor and told him “my penis is burning.” He said, “That means somebody is talking about it.” (Garry Shandling)
  10. A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, “Are you comfortable?” The guy says: “I make a good living.” (Henny Youngman)
  11. Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. “Are you gonna play golf?” he asks “Or are you just gonna fuck around?”
  12. A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, “Here’s a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks.” The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator’s mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.” After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It’s a woman. “I’ll give it a try,” she says, “but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”
  13. A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: “Paint…my…house.”
  14. At a White House party, a woman approached Calvin Coolidge, famed for his silence, and said “Mr. President, I made a bet I can get more than two words out of you.” He replied: “You lose.”
  15. L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait. (Bill Maher)
  16. I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out. (Rodney Dangerfield)
  17. A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doc, my brother’s crazy, he thinks he’s a chicken.” The doctor says, “Why don’t you turn him in?” The guy says, “We would. But we need the eggs.”
  18. I was raised half Jewish and half Catholic. When I’d go to confession, I’d say “Bless me, father, for I have sinned — and you know my attorney, Mr.Cohen.” (Bill Maher)
  19. A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in shit up to their necks. The guy says “no, let me see the next room.” In the second room, people are standing with shit up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with shit up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, “I pick this room.” Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, “O.K., coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your heads!”
  20. Jack Benny is walking down the street, when a stick-up man pulls out a gun and says “Your money or your life!” An extremely long silence follows. “Your money or your life!” the thug repeats. Finally Benny says “I’m thinking!”
  21. A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. “Douchebag!” the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. “Your father just said a bad word,” he says. “I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?” His son looks at him and says: “Too late, douchebag.”
  22. On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, “What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob.” All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says “Don’t forget the coffee!”
  23. I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother. (Henny Youngman)
  24. Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, “What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.” “I don’t need to outrun the bear,” the first guy says. “I just need to outrun you.”
  25. TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. (Jerry Seinfeld)
  26. A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scount. “This dog can speak English,” he claims to the unimpressed agent. “Okay, Sport,” the guys says to the dog, “what’s on the top of a house?” “Roof!” the dog replies. “Oh, come on…” the talent agent responds. “All dogs go ‘roof’.” “No, wait,” the guy says. He asks the dog “what does sandpaper feel like?” “Rough!” the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. “No, hang on,” the guy says. “This one will amaze you. ” He turns and asks the dog: “Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?” “Ruth!” goes the dog. And the talent scount, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says “Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?”
  27. A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells “You should have been here at 8:30!” he replies: “Why? What happened at 8:30?”
  28. When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter. (Emo Philips)
  29. A lady at a party goes up to Winston Churchill and tells him, “Sir, you are drunk.” Churchill replies, “Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober.”
  30. I was born a suspect. I can walk down any street in America and women will clutch their purses tighter, hold onto their Mace, lock their car doors. If I look up into the windows of the apartments I pass I can see old ladies on the phone. They’ve already dialed 9-1- and are just waiting for me to do something wrong. (Chris Rock)
  31. I worked some gigs in the Deep South…Alabama…You talk about Darwin’s waiting room. There are guys in Alabama who are their own father. (Dennis Miller)
  32. In football you wear a helmet; in baseball you wear a cap. Football is concerned with downs; baseball is concerned with ups. In football you receive a penalty; in baseball you make an error. In football the specialist comes in to kick; in baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody. (George Carlin)
  33. I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for thirty six hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for thirty-six hours. (Rita Rudner)
  34. A guy has a parrot that can sing and speak beautifully. He takes it to the synagogue on Rosh Hashonah and makes a wager that the bird can conduct the High Holiday service better than the temple’s cantor. When the big moment comes, though, the parrot is silent. The guy is outraged. He takes the bird home and is about to kill it when the bird finally speaks: “Schmuck! Think of the odds we’ll get on Yom Kippur!”
  35. At the airport they asked me if anybody I didn’t know gave me anything. Even the people I know don’t give me anything. (George Wallace)
  36. I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future. (Richard Jeni)
  37. If this is coffee, please bring me some tea. If this is tea, please bring me some coffee. (Abraham Lincoln)
  38. I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. (Jon Stewart)
  39. This greasy spoon restaurant was so bad, on the menu there were even flies in the pictures. (Richard Lewis)
  40. There’s always one of my uncles who watches a boxing match with me and says “Sure. Ten million dollars. You know, for that kind of money, I’d fight him.” As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old carpet salesman get hit in the face once and cry. (Larry Miller)
  41. Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says “I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.”
  42. I was thrown out of NYU. On my metaphysics final, they caught me cheating. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. (Woody Allen)
  43. I know a guy who called up the Home Shopping Network. They said “Can I help you?” and he said “No, I’m just looking.” (George Miller)
  44. Three comedians are shooting the breeze at the back of a nightclub after a late gig. They’ve heard one another’s material so much, they’ve reached the point where they don’t need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other – they just need to refer to each joke by a number. “Number 37!” cracks the first comic, and the others break up. “”Number 53!” says the second guy, and they howl. Finally, it’s the third comic’s turn. “44!” he quips. He gets nothing. Crickets. “What?” he asks, “Isn’t 44 funny?” “Sure, it’s usually hilarious,” they answer. “But the way you tell it…”
  45. A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. “Father O’Malley,” he says, “my name is Emil Cohen. I’m seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I’m currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I’ve never felt better.” “My good man,” says the priest, “I think you’ve come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?” And the guy goes: “I’m telling everybody!”
  46. Contrary to what most people would say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It’s a shark riding on an elephant’s back, just trampling and eating everything they see. (Jack Handey)
  47. The only thing I know about Africa is that it’s far, far away. About a thirty-five hour flight. The boat ride’s so long, there are still slaves on their way here. (Chris Rock)
  48. Last year, I deducted 10, 697 cartons of cigarettes as a business expense. The tax man said, “Don’t ever let us catch you without a cigarette in your hand.” (Dick Gregory)
  49. Animals may be our friends. But they won’t pick you up at the airport. (Bobcat Goldthwait)
  50. Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It’s Irv. “So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?” Sid asks. ‘Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex. Take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep, and wake up the next day.” “Oh, my god,” says Sid “So that’s what heaven is like?” “Oh no,” says Irv. “I’m not in heaven. I’m a bear in Yellowstone Park.”
  51. I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive. (Steven Wright)
  52. I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. (W.C. Fields)
  53. I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said “Stop! Don’t do it!” “Why shouldn’t I?” he said. “Well, there’s so much to live for!” “Like what?” “Well… are you religious?” He said yes. I said, “Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?” “Christian.” “Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ? “Protestant.” “Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?” “Baptist” “Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?” “Baptist Church of God!” “Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?” “Reformed Baptist Church of God!” “Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?” He said, “Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!” I said, “Die, heretic scum”, and pushed him off. (Emo Philips)
  54. Two old ladies are in a restaurant. One complains, “You know, the food here is just terrible.” The other shakes her head and adds, “And such small portions.” (Woody Allen)
  55. A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. “Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she’s given you two $100 bills. Now, here’s where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?” (Henny Youngman)
  56. I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs. Because someday they’re going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why. (Redd Foxx)
  57. I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me “what do you do at a red light?” I said, I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio… (Bill Braudis).
  58. China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you. (A. Whitney Brown)
  59. Last time I was down South, I was in a restaurant and ordered some chicken, and these three cousins, you know the ones I mean, Klu, Kluck and Klan, come up and say “Boy, we’re givin’ you fair warnin’. Anything you do to that chicken, we’re gonna do to you.” So I put down my knife and fork, and I picked up that chicken, and I kissed it. (Dick Gregory)
  60. If I ever have twins, I’d use one for parts. (Steven Wright)
  61. A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, “Peace in the Middle east, that’s my wish.” The genie looks concerned, then says “No, I’m sorry, that’s just not possible. Some things just can’t be changed. Do you have another wish?” The guys says ‘Well…for my whole life I’ve never receievd oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish.” The genie pauses for another moment and then says “How would you define peace?”
  62. Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, theyd’ say “Thank you.” That graduated into “Have a nice day.” That’s now escalated into “You care care of yourself, now.” The other day I paid my check – the waiter said, “Don’t put off that mammogram.” (Rita Rudner)
  63. A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. “There must be some mistake,” the lawyer argues. “I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five.” “Fifty five?” says Saint Peter. “No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two.” “How’s you get that?” the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: “We added up your time sheets.”
  64. Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said “Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?” (Gilbert Gottfried)
  65. An old woman is upset at her husband’s funeral. “You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit” The mortician says “We’ll take care of it, ma’am” and yells back ‘”Ed, switch the heads on two and four!”
  66. We had a depression fair in the back yard. A major game there was Pin the Blame on the Donkey. (Richard Lewis)
  67. I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don’t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, “What was that?!” (Jack Handey)
  68. New York now leads the world’s great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn’t make a sudden move. (David Letterman)
  69. Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot. (Ellen Degeneres)
  70. I had a cab driver in Paris. The man smelled like a guy eating cheese while getting a permanent inside the septic tank of a slaughterhouse. (Dennis Miller)
  71. Two ministers doing missionary work in the South Seas are captured by a tribe and tied to stakes. The chief says to them, “You have a choice – death, or ugga bugga.” The first guy says, “Well, I guess ugga bugga.” The chief shouts “UGGA BUGGA!” and 30 members of the tribe attack and sodomize the first missionary. The chief then asks the second minister, “Now you have a choice, death or ugga bugga.” He says “well, my religion does not allow me to choose ugga bugga, so I suppose it must be death.” The chief says, “Very well,” and shouts “DEATH. But first, UGGA BUGGA!
  72. I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks ‘Are you reading that?” I didn’t know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again. (David Brenner).
  73. These impossible women! How do they get around us! The poet was right: can’t live with them, or without them! (Aristophanes)
  74. I went to the psychiatrist, and he says “You’re crazy ” I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, ‘Okay, you’re ugly too!” (Rodney Dangerfield)
  75. Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. “I can’t leave,” the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.” The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?” the victim asks. “He says you’re gonna die.”
  76. Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves. (Johnny Carson)
  77. Take my wife…please (Henny Youngman)
  78. A guy asks a lawyer what his fee is. “I charge $50 for three questions,” the lawyer says. “That’s awfully steep, isn’t it?” the guy asks. “Yes,” the lawyer replies, “Now what’s your final question?”
  79. My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other — so now it’s just a waiting game. (Bill Dwyer)
  80. I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead. (Laura Kightlinger)
  81. Mario Andretti has retired from race car driving. That’s a good thing. He’s getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on. (Jon Stewart)
  82. My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners! (Sarah Silverman)
  83. I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world (Steven Wright)
  84. A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says ‘What the hell was that all about?”
  85. Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. (George Burns)
  86. After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.. He said, “No hablo ingles.” (Ronnie Shakes)
  87. Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he’s snagged an old bottle. As he’s taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. “Turn the lake into beer,” he says. The genie goes “Poof!” and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, “So what do you think?” The other guy says, “You jerk. Now we’ve got to piss in the boat.”
  88. My grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don’t mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters. (Brian Kiley)
  89. I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for member. (Groucho Marx)
  90. A guy tells his psychiatrist: ‘It was terrible. I was away on business, and I wired my wife that I’d be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don’t get it. How could she do this to me?” “Well,” says the psychiatrist. “Maybe she didn’t get your telegram.”
  91. They say animal behavior can warm you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona (Bob Hope/Gene Perret)
  92. A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can’t be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. “I promised not to tell!” he says. “Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher’s daughter?” the preist asks. “No, and I said I wouldn’t tell.” “Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer’s daughter?” “No, and I still won’t tell!” ‘Was it Mary Francis, the baker’s daughter?” “No,” says the boy. ‘Well, son,” says the priest, “I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months.” Outside, the boy’s friends ask what happened. “Well,” he says, “I got six months, but three good leads.”
  93. I was coming back from Canada, driving through Customs, and the guy asked “Do you have any firearms with you?” I said: “What do you need?’ (Steven Wright)
  94. A comedian is sitting at the bar of a comedy club late one night when a beautiuful woman comes up to him and says “I saw you perform tonight, and you’re the funniest guy I’ve ever seen. I want to take you home and give you the hottest night of sex you’re ever had.” The comedian looks at her and says, “Did you see the first show or the second show?”
  95. The guy who shot Robert Kennedy, Sirhan Sirhan, goes up for parole every year. Once he even told the parole board that if Kennedy was alive today, he would speak in his favor and say let him go. What a tough break, you know? The one guy who would have supported him, and he shot him. (Paula Poundstone)
  96. Bob: “Emily, aren’t you afraid of death?” Emily: “I just think of it as a part of life.” Bob: “Yeah. The last part.” (Bob Newhart show/Sy Rosen)
  97. I believe Dr. Kevorkian is onto something. I think he’s great. Because suicide is our way of saying to God, “You can’t fire me. I quit.” (Bill Maher)
  98. My father heard the story of the Menendez brothers. He quit playing the lottery. He said ‘Screw it, I’ve got twelve kids. Any one of them could snap.” (Paul Rodriguez)
  99. I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it “Do not eat if seal is broken.” So I opened up the box, and sure enough… (Brian Kiley)
  100. I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. (Steven Wright)
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Why bread is extremely dangerous for you

  1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
  2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
  3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
  4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
  5. Bread is made from a substance called “dough.” It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
  6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s disease, and osteoporosis.
  7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
  8. Bread is often a “gateway” food item, leading the user to “harder” items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
  9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
  10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
  11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
  12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
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Funny travel agent quotes

I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, “Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?”

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with “I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. “Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, “Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa.” Her response … click.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, “Don’t lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state.”

I got a call from a man who asked, “Is it possible to see England from Canada?” I said, “No.” He said “But they look so close on the map.”

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, “I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time.”

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, “Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who’s luggage belongs to who?” I said, “No, why do you ask?” She replied, “Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I’m overweight, is there any connection?” After putting her on hold for a minute while I “looked into it” (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, “How do I know which plane to get on?” I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, “I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.”

A woman called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes.” I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, “Yeah, whatever.”

A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. “Oh no I don’t, I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.” I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, “Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express.”

A woman called to make reservations, “I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York” The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: “Are you sure that’s the name of the town?” “Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a Hippopotamus anywhere.” The customer retorted, “Oh don’t be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!” The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, “You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?” “That’s it! I knew it was a big animal!”

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Top 10 Signs Your Family Is Stressed

10. Conversations often begin with “Put the gun down, and then we can talk”.

9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

8. The cat is on Valium.

7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.

6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.

5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.

4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.

3. “Family meetings” are often mediated by law enforcement officials.

2. You have to check your kid’s day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.

1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

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65 Things to Do on a Long Airplane Ride

1. Fart loudly and act shocked, looking around to see who did it
2. Fiddle around with the emergency exit, then ask a fellow passenger if he has a crowbar
3. Hijack the cockpit and, over the loudspeaker, anounce that the first class passengers and luggage are to switch places
4.Run down the aisle screaming,”He’s got a bomb! He’s got a bomb!”
5. Go into the bathroom and make rude bodily noises, then come out looking refreshed
6. Fly into a rage whenever the word “Gallstone” is mentioned
7. “Accidental” soda spill on the dork next to you.
8. Go up to someone and ask loudly if they wouldn’t mind applying Preporation H to your hemrrhoids
9. Tap at the windows, saying “Looks pretty tough” then ask somone if they have a bat you could use to test.
10. Disco dance in the aisle
11. Mess up your hair, untuck your shirt, basically look crude, and mingle with a first class guy as if you were long-lost friends
12. Give someone a coin, saying “Heads, I detonate the bomb. Tails, I don’t”
13. Go into the bathroom, drop your pants, then come out, yelling “We’re out of toilet paper! Stewardess!”
14. Describe your sex life in great detail to the five-year-old next to you
15. Try to lead plane in song “Oh I wish I was an Oscar Myer Weiner”
16. Lead a revolt against the first class passengers
17. Attempt to promote Hinduism among passengers
18. Moon passing Delta planes
19. Lead a bible study session in the back of the plane
20. Start a hot dog stand
21. Steal businessman’s laptop, play solitaire on it
22. Pinch the stewardess’ butt as she passes
23. During the inflight movie, ask to share headphones with someone
24. When two people kiss in the film, belch real loud
25. When there’s any nudity, say “Hey! He/she must be real cold!”
26. Tell the person next to you your life story, from DNA to that afternoon
27. With the person next to you, discuss cannabilism among airline crash passengers on deserted islands
28. Remark that perhaps you shouldn’t have put superglue in your undies that morning
29. Pick your nose and pat the person next to you
30. No matter what the meal choices are, demand rice-a-roni
31. Show off your Batman underwear
32. Ask the guy next to you to hold your dentures (senior citizens only)
33. Switch accents and see if anyone notices
34. During the meal, loudly explain that on time you ate shark fin soup
and proceeded to puke all over the airplane, spewing chunks of shark on the other passengers
35. Sneak into the cockpit and hit the warning alarm
36. Explain how, one time, the plane was crashing and the oxygen masks didn’t come out, ’cause they aren’t really reliable, and that if the plane was to crash, everyone would die
37. Put on a ten foot diameter sombrero and slouch in your seat, whacking everyone on the head
38. Scratch your butt, then sniff your finger
39. Go into the cockpit, flick on the intercom light, then loudly inquire as to why the fuel dial says “e”
40. Go into the cockpit, ask the pilot in an obnoxious voice “Why do the call it the COCKpit?” then snort as if it’s the funniest thing in the world
41. Don’t use deoderant, then “accidently” stick your armpit in someone’s face
42. Sneeze, using somebody’s sleeve instead of your hand to cover it
43. Listen to James Brown on your Walkman, sing along (especially the
“Oooh Oooh” parts)
44. Snort when you laugh
45. Tell corny jokes and laugh like it’s absolutely hilarious, then expect others to do the same 46. Wear a hairpiece and switch it often, seeing if anyone notices
47. Sing that irritaing song that starts like this “I lost my car on the rooooooaaddd an’ I’m cryin’ over yooooouuuu….”
48. Recite all you can of the last Ann Landers column
49. Hum the Monty Python theme song
50. Act like a movie star
51. Scream and dive under your seat for no apparent reason
52. Ride carry-on luggage down the aisle, yelling “Yeee-ha!”
53. With a desperate look, ask the stewardess where the bathroom is, then look relieved and say “Nevermind. Do you have any towels?”
54. Whip out your kazoo and give first class a special entertainment show
55. Jump up and scream “AAAHHH!! I left the stove on!!”
56. Bring a microphone and act like Frank Sinatra
57. Ask someone for their autograph, pretending that you think they’re Kevin Costner or Goldie Hawn (This best when the person looks nothing like the movie star in question)
58. Start talking Korean
59. If someone has a bad toupee, whack it off
60. Pretend you’re flying the plane
61. With a fellow passenger, Re-enact the disco scene in “Airplane!”
62. Get some rub-on tattoos and a leather jacket, pretend that you belong
to a biker gang
63. Take over the plane with a toy gun
64. Yell to someone “Is it time to hijack the plane yet?” (Note: Do this when there are stewardesses there)
65. To the person next to you, say “It’s amazing that they didn’t notice the grenade in my luggage”.

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Examinations

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady, entered the doctor’s office.

“We have come for an examination,” said the young girl.

“All right,” said the doctor. “Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off.”

“No, not me,” said the girl. “it’s my old aunt here.”

“Very well,” said the doctor. “Madam, stick out your tongue.”

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The Ten Most Wanted Men

Little Johnny’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to the local police station, where they saw pictures of the 10 Most Wanted men tacked to a bulletin board.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

“Yes,” said the policeman. “The detectives want him very badly.”

So Little Johnny asked, “Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”