The mystery of childbirth

A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, “How was I born?”

His mother awkwardly answers, “The stork brought you.”

“Oh,” says the boy. “Well, how were you and Daddy born?”

“Oh, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma.”

The boy begins his paper, “This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn’t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.”

Hot air balloon

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”

The man below says: “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”

“You must work in Information Technology,” says the balloonist.

“I do” replies the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but It’s of no use to anyone.” The man below replies, “You must work in management.”

“I do” replies the balloonist, “But how’d you know?”

“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”

How to catch an elephant in Africa

* MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.
* EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.
* PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.
* COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass,
1. Catch each animal seen.
2. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
3. Stop when a match is detected.
* EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.
* ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.
* ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.
* ECONOMISTS don’t hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.
* STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.
* CONSULTANTS don’t hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.
* OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.
* POLITICIANS don’t hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.
* LAWYERS don’t hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.
* SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.
* VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH, AND DEVELOPMENT try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does happen to see a elephant, the staff will:
* compliment the vice president’s keen eyesight and
* enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.
* SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.
* QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.
* SALES PEOPLE don’t hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven’t caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.
* SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.
* HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.

Bra size calculator

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn’t figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs…
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can’t Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD}Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up !

Blackmail

“Hey, Mom,” asked Ralph. “Will you lend me five dollars?”

“Certainly not.”

“If you do,” he went on, “I will tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop.”

The woman’s ears perked and, grabbing her pocketbook, she handed over the money. “Well? What did he say?”

“He said, “Hey, Marion, make sure you do my socks tomorrow.”

Adopted son

The backwoods couple was delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called adn told them they had a wonderful Japanese boy, and the couple took him without hesitation. On the way back home, they stopped by the local college to enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “May I ask you a question? What ever possessed you to study Japanese?”

The backwoodsman said proudly, “In a year or so, our adopted son will start to talk. We want to be able to understand him.”

Are you choking?

Out to lunch one day, the immigrants were having a fine time until Hymie began to gag.

“I think I svallowed a bone,” Hymie gasped.

“Hymie,” said Miklos, “are you choking?”

“No, I am serious!”

41 facts about Washington

1. It is America’s coffee capital, with more coffee bean roasters per capita than any other state.
2. ‘The Wave’, a popular fan cheer for the past 25 years, was started by Husky fans at the University of Washington.
3. Adam Morrison, a Washington State native and Gonzaga University basketball star, leads the NCAA Division I in scoring this season.
4. The state is the nation’s largest exporter, representing $34 billion and 5 percent of all U.S. exports: 1½ forest products, aerospace products, apples, tulips, hops, mint, wheat and several other quality
food products.
5. Leading innovators — Microsoft’s Bill Gates and Paul Allen, Starbucks’ Howard Schultz, wireless pioneers the McCaw family, and the Boeing family — live in Washington State.
6. Washington State is America’s gateway to the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver, B.C.
7. Washington leads the country in technology industry employment.
8. Grand Coulee Dam, the largest concrete structure in North America, is in Washington State.
9. Washington’s residents are educated; it’s the state with most residents holding high school diplomas.
10. Seattle leads the country in residents with more college degrees per capita.
11. Father’s Day was founded here in 1910.
12. The state is home to the world’s largest private car collection featuring over 3,000 vehicles.
13. Washington is home to the largest land mollusk in North America, a foraging banana slug that grows
up to 9 inches long.
14. In Washington, a Seahawk is an athlete, not a bird. The closest thing to a Seahawk is an osprey hawk.
15. Washington’s entrepreneur ial climate has made it the leading state for both start-up and gazelles, or fast growing young companies.
16. Washington, the 42nd state in the union, is the only state named for a president.
17. Seattle gets less rainfall annually than Atlanta, Boston, New York, Houston, New Orleans, Philadelphia, Washington D.C. and Miami, with 37 inches.
18. Seattle has the highest concentration of aerospace jobs in the world, led by Boeing’s 50,000 workers.
19. Our homegrown musicians include Jimi Hendrix, Nirvana, Kenny G, The Wailers, Pat Boone, Bing Crosby, Quincy Jones, among others.
20. Petrified wood is the state’s gem, and there’s a petrified forest here that’s considered the most un usual fossil forest in the world.
21. Washington State defines innovation. Some of the leading
employers include Microsoft, Amazon.Com, Nordstrom, Boeing, Costco and Starbuck’s.
22. Washington has hosted the Wor ld’s Fair twice: 1962 in Seattle and 1974 in Spokane.
23. Washington produces 70 percent of the nation’s hops used to brew beer. Coincidentally, to overcome beer breath, the majority of the nation’s mint is also grown in the state.
24. The longest accessible beach in the U.S. is in Washington, the 28-mile-long stretch aptly named Long Beach.
25. Washington is a leader in health sciences research; it ranks tops in scientists and engineers as a percentage of workforce.
26. ‘Tales from the Far Side’ cartoonist Gary Larson is a Washington native and still lives in the Seattle area.
27. Washington has the largest ferry system in the nation — 26 million passengers travel by ferry each year.
28. The state’s nickname is the Evergreen State for its abundant Evergreen forests.
29. It is America’s raspberry capital, harvesting more than 57 million pounds of raspberries each year.
30. Washington is the country’s second largest producer of wine, with its more than 350 wineries gaining international attention.
31. More people in Seattle commute to work on bicycles than any other city nationwide.
32. Washington’s Hells Canyon is the deepest River Gorge in North America, deeper than the Grand Canyon at over 5,500 feet deep.
33. One in every six Washingtonians owns a boat in this state where recreational and the commercial boating industry leads the country.
34. Kennewick Man, a 9,000-year-old skeleton, the oldest ever discovered in the Americas, was found in Washington in 1996.
35. The first revolving restaurant in the continental U.S. was built in Seattle’s Space Needle for the 1962 World’s Fair.
36. The cleanest air in the nation is found in a Washington community, Bellingham, according to the EPA and American Lung Association.
37. Washington’s cows produce m ore milk per cow than any other state, totaling 1.3 billion pounds of milk each year.
38. Seattle’s world-famous glass artist Dale Chihuly has put Washington on the international map, second only to Venice in number and skill of glassblowing artists.
39. Mark Rypien, 1992 Super Bowl MVP, is a Washington native and resides in Washington State.
40. Washington is the nation’s top apple producing state, with 10-12 billion apples handpicked annually.
41. Seattle sells more sunglasses per capita than any other major city in the nation.

In-laws

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?” “Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”

Doctor’s help

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable
cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn’t help.

On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn’t do any good.

On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot
bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the
windows and stand in the draft.

“But doc,” protested the patient, “if I do that, I’ll get pneumonia.”

“I know,” said his physician. “I can cure pneumonia.”