The mystery of childbirth

A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, “How was I born?”

His mother awkwardly answers, “The stork brought you.”

“Oh,” says the boy. “Well, how were you and Daddy born?”

“Oh, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma.”

The boy begins his paper, “This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn’t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.”

Hot air balloon

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”

The man below says: “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”

“You must work in Information Technology,” says the balloonist.

“I do” replies the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but It’s of no use to anyone.” The man below replies, “You must work in management.”

“I do” replies the balloonist, “But how’d you know?”

“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”

How to catch an elephant in Africa

* MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.
* EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.
* PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.
* COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass,
1. Catch each animal seen.
2. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
3. Stop when a match is detected.
* EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.
* ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.
* ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.
* ECONOMISTS don’t hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.
* STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.
* CONSULTANTS don’t hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.
* OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.
* POLITICIANS don’t hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.
* LAWYERS don’t hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.
* SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.
* VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH, AND DEVELOPMENT try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does happen to see a elephant, the staff will:
* compliment the vice president’s keen eyesight and
* enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.
* SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.
* QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.
* SALES PEOPLE don’t hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven’t caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.
* SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.
* HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.

Bra size calculator

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn’t figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs…
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can’t Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD}Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up !


“Hey, Mom,” asked Ralph. “Will you lend me five dollars?”

“Certainly not.”

“If you do,” he went on, “I will tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop.”

The woman’s ears perked and, grabbing her pocketbook, she handed over the money. “Well? What did he say?”

“He said, “Hey, Marion, make sure you do my socks tomorrow.”

Adopted son

The backwoods couple was delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called adn told them they had a wonderful Japanese boy, and the couple took him without hesitation. On the way back home, they stopped by the local college to enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “May I ask you a question? What ever possessed you to study Japanese?”

The backwoodsman said proudly, “In a year or so, our adopted son will start to talk. We want to be able to understand him.”

Are you choking?

Out to lunch one day, the immigrants were having a fine time until Hymie began to gag.

“I think I svallowed a bone,” Hymie gasped.

“Hymie,” said Miklos, “are you choking?”

“No, I am serious!”