The mystery of childbirth

A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, “How was I born?”

His mother awkwardly answers, “The stork brought you.”

“Oh,” says the boy. “Well, how were you and Daddy born?”

“Oh, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma.”

The boy begins his paper, “This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn’t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.”

Hot air balloon

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”

The man below says: “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”

“You must work in Information Technology,” says the balloonist.

“I do” replies the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but It’s of no use to anyone.” The man below replies, “You must work in management.”

“I do” replies the balloonist, “But how’d you know?”

“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”

How to catch an elephant in Africa

* MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.
* EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.
* PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.
* COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass,
1. Catch each animal seen.
2. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
3. Stop when a match is detected.
* EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.
* ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.
* ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.
* ECONOMISTS don’t hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.
* STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.
* CONSULTANTS don’t hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.
* OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.
* POLITICIANS don’t hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.
* LAWYERS don’t hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.
* SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.
* VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH, AND DEVELOPMENT try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does happen to see a elephant, the staff will:
* compliment the vice president’s keen eyesight and
* enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.
* SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.
* QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.
* SALES PEOPLE don’t hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven’t caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.
* SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.
* HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.

Bra size calculator

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn’t figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs…
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can’t Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD}Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up !

Blackmail

“Hey, Mom,” asked Ralph. “Will you lend me five dollars?”

“Certainly not.”

“If you do,” he went on, “I will tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop.”

The woman’s ears perked and, grabbing her pocketbook, she handed over the money. “Well? What did he say?”

“He said, “Hey, Marion, make sure you do my socks tomorrow.”

Adopted son

The backwoods couple was delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called adn told them they had a wonderful Japanese boy, and the couple took him without hesitation. On the way back home, they stopped by the local college to enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “May I ask you a question? What ever possessed you to study Japanese?”

The backwoodsman said proudly, “In a year or so, our adopted son will start to talk. We want to be able to understand him.”

41 facts about Washington

1. It is America’s coffee capital, with more coffee bean roasters per capita than any other state.
2. ‘The Wave’, a popular fan cheer for the past 25 years, was started by Husky fans at the University of Washington.
3. Adam Morrison, a Washington State native and Gonzaga University basketball star, leads the NCAA Division I in scoring this season.
4. The state is the nation’s largest exporter, representing $34 billion and 5 percent of all U.S. exports: 1½ forest products, aerospace products, apples, tulips, hops, mint, wheat and several other quality
food products.
5. Leading innovators — Microsoft’s Bill Gates and Paul Allen, Starbucks’ Howard Schultz, wireless pioneers the McCaw family, and the Boeing family — live in Washington State.
6. Washington State is America’s gateway to the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver, B.C.
7. Washington leads the country in technology industry employment.
8. Grand Coulee Dam, the largest concrete structure in North America, is in Washington State.
9. Washington’s residents are educated; it’s the state with most residents holding high school diplomas.
10. Seattle leads the country in residents with more college degrees per capita.
11. Father’s Day was founded here in 1910.
12. The state is home to the world’s largest private car collection featuring over 3,000 vehicles.
13. Washington is home to the largest land mollusk in North America, a foraging banana slug that grows
up to 9 inches long.
14. In Washington, a Seahawk is an athlete, not a bird. The closest thing to a Seahawk is an osprey hawk.
15. Washington’s entrepreneur ial climate has made it the leading state for both start-up and gazelles, or fast growing young companies.
16. Washington, the 42nd state in the union, is the only state named for a president.
17. Seattle gets less rainfall annually than Atlanta, Boston, New York, Houston, New Orleans, Philadelphia, Washington D.C. and Miami, with 37 inches.
18. Seattle has the highest concentration of aerospace jobs in the world, led by Boeing’s 50,000 workers.
19. Our homegrown musicians include Jimi Hendrix, Nirvana, Kenny G, The Wailers, Pat Boone, Bing Crosby, Quincy Jones, among others.
20. Petrified wood is the state’s gem, and there’s a petrified forest here that’s considered the most un usual fossil forest in the world.
21. Washington State defines innovation. Some of the leading
employers include Microsoft, Amazon.Com, Nordstrom, Boeing, Costco and Starbuck’s.
22. Washington has hosted the Wor ld’s Fair twice: 1962 in Seattle and 1974 in Spokane.
23. Washington produces 70 percent of the nation’s hops used to brew beer. Coincidentally, to overcome beer breath, the majority of the nation’s mint is also grown in the state.
24. The longest accessible beach in the U.S. is in Washington, the 28-mile-long stretch aptly named Long Beach.
25. Washington is a leader in health sciences research; it ranks tops in scientists and engineers as a percentage of workforce.
26. ‘Tales from the Far Side’ cartoonist Gary Larson is a Washington native and still lives in the Seattle area.
27. Washington has the largest ferry system in the nation — 26 million passengers travel by ferry each year.
28. The state’s nickname is the Evergreen State for its abundant Evergreen forests.
29. It is America’s raspberry capital, harvesting more than 57 million pounds of raspberries each year.
30. Washington is the country’s second largest producer of wine, with its more than 350 wineries gaining international attention.
31. More people in Seattle commute to work on bicycles than any other city nationwide.
32. Washington’s Hells Canyon is the deepest River Gorge in North America, deeper than the Grand Canyon at over 5,500 feet deep.
33. One in every six Washingtonians owns a boat in this state where recreational and the commercial boating industry leads the country.
34. Kennewick Man, a 9,000-year-old skeleton, the oldest ever discovered in the Americas, was found in Washington in 1996.
35. The first revolving restaurant in the continental U.S. was built in Seattle’s Space Needle for the 1962 World’s Fair.
36. The cleanest air in the nation is found in a Washington community, Bellingham, according to the EPA and American Lung Association.
37. Washington’s cows produce m ore milk per cow than any other state, totaling 1.3 billion pounds of milk each year.
38. Seattle’s world-famous glass artist Dale Chihuly has put Washington on the international map, second only to Venice in number and skill of glassblowing artists.
39. Mark Rypien, 1992 Super Bowl MVP, is a Washington native and resides in Washington State.
40. Washington is the nation’s top apple producing state, with 10-12 billion apples handpicked annually.
41. Seattle sells more sunglasses per capita than any other major city in the nation.

In-laws

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?” “Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”

Doctor’s help

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable
cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn’t help.

On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn’t do any good.

On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot
bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the
windows and stand in the draft.

“But doc,” protested the patient, “if I do that, I’ll get pneumonia.”

“I know,” said his physician. “I can cure pneumonia.”

Guest at a hotel

A guest in a posh hotel comes down to breakfast and called over the head waiter and read from the menu “I’d like one under cooked egg so that it’s running, and one over cooked egg that’s tough and hard to eat. I’d also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it’s impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee.”

“That’s a complicated order sir”, said the bewildered waiter. “It might be quite difficult.” The guest replied sarcastically, “It can’t be that difficult because that’s exactly what you brought me yesterday!”

First date

At the end of their first date, a young man takes his favorite girl home.
Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and,
smiling, he says to her, “Darling, how ’bout a goodnight kiss?”

Horrified, she replies, “Are you mad? My parents will see us!”

“Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?”

“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”

“Oh come on, there’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”

“No way. It’s just too risky!”

“Oh please, please, I like you so much!!”

“No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can’t!”

“Oh yes you can. Please?”

“NO, no. I just can’t.”

“Pleeeeease?…”

Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl’s sister shows up in
her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: “Dad says
to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he’ll come
down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand
off the intercom button!”

Soup

When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. “Good heavens,” he said, “what is this?” “Why, it’s bean soup,” she replied. “I don’t care what it has been,” he sputtered. “What is it now?”

35 Predictions from 50’s

  1. “I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, its’ going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20.”
  2. “Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won’t be long when $5000 will only buy a used one.”
  3. “If cigarettes keep going up in price, I’m going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.”
  4. “Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?”
  5. “The Government is wanting to get its hands on everything. Pretty soon it’s going to be impossible to run a family business or farm.”
  6. “If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.”
  7. “When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 50 cents a gallon. Guess we’d be better off leaving the car in the garage.”
  8. “Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls.”
  9. “Also, their music drives me wild. This ‘Rock Around The Clock’ thing is nothing but racket.”
  10. “I’m afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying ‘damn’ in ‘Gone With The Wind,’ it seems every movie has a ‘hell’ or a ‘damn’ in it.”
  11. “Also, it won’t be long until couples are sleeping in the same bed in the movies. What is this world coming to?”
  12. “Marilyn Monroe is now showing her bra and panties, so apparently there are no standards anymore.”
  13. “Pretty soon you won’t be able to buy a good 10 cent cigar.”
  14. “I read the other day where some scientist thinks it’s possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the of the century.They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas.”
  15. “Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn’t surprise me if someday they’ll be making more than the president.”
  16. “Do you suppose television will ever reach our part of the country?”
  17. “I never thought I’d see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.”
  18. “It’s too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.”
  19. “It won’t be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.”
  20. “Marriage doesn’t mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat.”
  21. “I’ll tell you one thing. If my kid ever talks back to me, they won’t be able to sit down for a week.”
  22. “Did you know the new church in town is allowing women to wear slacks to their service?”
  23. “Next thing you know is, the government will start paying us not to grow crops.”
  24. “I’m just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.”
  25. “Thank goodness I won’t live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress.”
  26. “Why in the world would you want to send your daughter to college? Isn’t she going to get married? It would be different if she could be a doctor or a lawyer.”
  27. “I just hate to see the young people smoking. As I tell my kids ‘Don’t take a cigarette from ANYONE. You never know what might be in it.'”
  28. “The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.”
  29. “There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel.”
  30. “No one can afford to be sick any more, $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood.”
  31. “If a few idiots want to risk their necks flying across the country that’s fine, but nothing will ever replace trains.”
  32. “I don’t know about you but if they raise the price of coffee to 15 cents, I’ll just have to drink mine at home.”
  33. “If they think I’ll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it. I’ll have my wife learn to cut hair.”
  34. “We won’t be going out much any more. Our baby sitter informed us she wants 50 cents an hour. Kids think money grows on trees.”
  35. “Cars which dim their lights by sensors, automatic transmissions, and who knows what else? Pretty soon they will drive themselves.”

Top 10 signs you have eaten too much

  1. You ate the turkey, the pop-up thermometer and the plastic net
  2. Last thing you remember is positioning your open mouth behind a dump truck full of yams
  3. All your silverware is worn down to tiny stumps
  4. While picking your teeth, you dislodge an angry construction worker
  5. Strangers keep addressing you as “Mr. President”
  6. This morning, the display on your bathroom scale read “Good Lord!”
  7. You now have an ass the size of Plymouth Rock
  8. People keep looking at you and saying, “I thought the Macy’s Parade was over”
  9. Your relatives can’t go home because they’re stuck in your gravitational field.
  10. You’re sweating gravy, my friend!

23 headlines of 2050

  1. Plague of Spotted Owls Threaten Crops, Livestock
  2. Texas Executes Last Remaining Citizen
  3. Great and Benevolent Galactic Ruler Reveals That Anal Probes Were
  4. “Just For Fun”
  5. Mother Monica Dies: Revered Hero of Bangkok Slums Overcame Lurid Past
  6. With US President
  7. Wealthy Widow Anna Nicole Smith, 83, Weds Handsome Young Actor. “This
  8. Is True Love,” He Beams.
  9. Construction Begins On Grenada War Memorial In D.C.
  10. Cody, Cassidy Gifford Elude Authorities. Drug-Crazed Crime Spree Continues
  11. President “Bonecrusher” Jones to Face Chief Justice “Mad Dog” Ortega
  12. In Cage Match
  13. Pope Phil II Settles Custody Battle With Ex-Wife
  14. Upcoming NFL Draft Likely to Focus On Mutants
  15. Younger Generation’s Music Provokes Outrage of Elders
  16. D.C. Zoo to Receive Rare Cow
  17. Authentic Year 2000 Chad Sells For $6.9 Million at Sotheby’s
  18. Nursing Home Lawsuit Case: Clinton Denies Candy Striper’s Allegations
  19. Court Clears
  20. AOLTimeWarnerGE-DisneyCiscoFordRJR-NabiscoExxon-Mobil of Monopoly Charges
  21. 50-Year Study: Diet and Exercise Key to Weight Loss
  22. Baby Conceived Naturally
  23. It Wasn’t the Cigarettes – It Was the Ashtrays

53 signs you might have a drinking problem

  1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
  2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth
  3. Job interfering with your drinking.
  4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
  5. Career won’t progress beyond Senator from Massachusettes.
  6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
  7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
  8. Two hands and just one mouth… – now THAT’S a drinking problem!
  9. When you can focus better with one eye closed
  10. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar
  11. Every woman you see has an exact twin.
  12. You wake up to find Windows 95 installed on your machine.
  13. If you keep asking your wife “where are the kids?”, but you don’t
  14. really have a wife and you’re talking to the refridgerator.
  15. You fall off the floor.
  16. You discover in the morning liquid cleaning supplies have disappeared.
  17. Had “Spuds McKenzie” tattoo removed, replaced it with “Red Dog.”
  18. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
  19. Beer: it’s not just for breakfast anymore.
  20. The glass keeps missing your mouth.
  21. Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
  22. When you go to donate blood and they ask what proof?
  23. Vampires get woozy after bitting you.
  24. At AA meeting you begin: “Hi, my name is… uh…”
  25. Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer.
  26. Having a hard time staying on the side walk – left, right, stumble, fall.
  27. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom.
  28. You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol,
  29. and Women.
  30. Every night you’re beginning to find your roomate’s cat more attractive.
  31. Waking up with a traffic cone between your legs.
  32. If on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol
  33. calories.
  34. The bottle’s empty…that’s the problem!
  35. Find yourself as the captain for the Exxon Valdez.
  36. Roseanne looks good.
  37. Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of bottle.
  38. You drink to get over a hangover.
  39. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
  40. Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground in circles after biting you.
  41. Newt Gingrich…. he’s soooo sexy.
  42. You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the
  43. Fourth of July party in Waikiki.
  44. Red dog upside down looks like batman eating a catwoman.
  45. Boris Yeltsin tries to get you to join AA.
  46. The shrubbery’s drunk from frequent watering.
  47. Do you (your name) take this woman…..
  48. Your only friends are Jack, Johnnie, and Jose.
  49. Double vision so much the norm, you can’t function without it.
  50. You listen to the radio and start dancing to Hootie and the Blowfish.
  51. You can’t remember what your family looks like… or if you have a family.
  52. Haven’t stopped drinking since Carter got elected.
  53. You spend a whole night holding up walls to prevent their collapse.

39 Headlines of the year

1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
2. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
3. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
5. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case
6. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope
9. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
10. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
11. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms
12. Eye Drops Off Shelf
13. Teachers Strike Idle Kids
14. Clinton Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
15. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
16. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
17. Miners Refuse To Work After Death
18. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
19. Stolen Painting Found By Tree
20. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter
21. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years
22. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One
23. War Dims Hope For Peace
24. If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
25. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
26. Deer Kill 17,000
27. Enfields Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide
28. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
29. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
30. Man Struck By Lightening Faces Battery Charge
31. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
32. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft
33. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
34. Chef Throws His Heart In Helping Feed Needy
35. Arson Suspect Held In Massachusetts Fire
36. Ban On Soliciting Dead In Trotwood
37. Local High School Dropout Cuts In Half
38. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
39. Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors

36 world’s smallest books

  1. The Code of Ethics for Lawyers
  2. The Australian Book of Foreplay
  3. The Book of Motivated Postal Workers
  4. Americans’ Guide to Etiquette
  5. The World Guide to Good American Beer
  6. Royal Family’s Guide to Good Marriages
  7. Safe Places to Travel in the USA
  8. Bill Clinton: A Portrait of Integrity
  9. Jerry Garcia’s Guide to Beating Drug Addiction
  10. Contraception by Pope John Paul II
  11. Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu
  12. The Complete Guide to Catholic Sex
  13. The Wit and Wisdom of Dan Quayle.
  14. Consumer Marketing Ethics
  15. Al Gore: The Wild Years
  16. America’s Most Popular Lawyers
  17. Career Opportunities for History Majors
  18. Detroit – A Travel Guide
  19. Dr. Kevorkian’s Collection of Motivational Speeches
  20. Easy UNIX
  21. Everything Men Know about Women
  22. George Foreman’s Big Book of Baby Names
  23. Mike Tyson’s Guide to Dating Etiquette
  24. The Amish Phone Book
  25. Great Women Drivers Of Today
  26. Beauty Secrets by Janet Reno
  27. Home Built Airplanes by John Denver
  28. How To Get To The Super Bowl by Dan Marino
  29. Things I Love About Bill by Hillary Clinton
  30. My Life’s Memories by Ronald Reagan
  31. Things I Can’t Afford by Bill Gates
  32. Things I Would Not Do For Money by Dennis Rodman
  33. The Wild Years by Al Gore
  34. Amelia Earhart’s Guide To The Pacific
  35. America’s Most Popular Lawyers
  36. All The Men I’ve Loved Before by Ellen DeGeneres