Borat quotes

We say in Kazakhstan that a horse is like a man.
That if a horse is good it is like a man is good,
and that if a horse is bad, is like a man is bad.
And if a horse is hungry is like a man is hungry,
and if a horse is sad is like if a man is sad.
And we say if a horse is happy is like when a man is happy.
HorseWe say if a horse is angry is like if man is angry.
We say if a horse walk is like when a man walk,
we say if a horse is old is like when a man is old,
and we say if horse is young is like when a man is young.
And the same we say if a horse is old is like when a man is old.
And if a horse small, is like when a man’s small.
And if a horse is dead is like if a man dead.
Also we say if a horse is sleep, goes to sleep like if a man sleep.
And if horse wake if like if man wake,
And if horse ill, is like if a man ill.
If horse have foot is like man have foot.
If horse on the grass is like if a man walk on grass.
We say, in Kazakhstan is you hit horse it is like if you hit man.
And we say if you kiss horse is like you kiss man.
So we say horse is like man.

Funny travel agent quotes

I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, “Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?”

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with “I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. “Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, “Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa.” Her response … click.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, “Don’t lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state.”

I got a call from a man who asked, “Is it possible to see England from Canada?” I said, “No.” He said “But they look so close on the map.”

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, “I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time.”

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, “Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who’s luggage belongs to who?” I said, “No, why do you ask?” She replied, “Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I’m overweight, is there any connection?” After putting her on hold for a minute while I “looked into it” (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, “How do I know which plane to get on?” I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, “I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.”

A woman called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes.” I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, “Yeah, whatever.”

A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. “Oh no I don’t, I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.” I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, “Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express.”

A woman called to make reservations, “I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York” The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: “Are you sure that’s the name of the town?” “Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a Hippopotamus anywhere.” The customer retorted, “Oh don’t be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!” The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, “You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?” “That’s it! I knew it was a big animal!”

Newest ATM Machines

“The fees for withdrawing money from your ATM machines are expected to double, even triple. You’re gonna pay two to three as much to withdraw your money so basically the ATM machines have become full service. Instead of getting robbed at the ATM machine the ATM machine robs you. You eliminate the middle man.” – Jay Leno

Relationship Quote

Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
— Bob Ettinger

Brain droppings

Is the kidney a bean a kidney shaped object, or is the bean a kidney shaped legume?

I went to the Missing Persons Bureau. No one was there.

I choose toilet paper through the process of elimination.

George Washington’s brother was the Uncle of Our Country.

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough not to quit.

Quotes by the Vice-Presidents of the United States

I want to show you an optimistic sign that things are beginning to turn around.

— Vice President Dan Quayle trying to convince reporters that the economy was doing better because a Burger King had a “now hiring” sign in the window. He was campaigning for re-election in Ontario, CA, 1/17/92 (reported in Esquire, 8/92).
You have a part-time job, and that’s better than no job at all.
— Vice President Dan Quayle after the manager of the Burger King had said that the jobs offered were part-time minimum wage jobs, which didn’t pay enough to live on, and that “It’s hard to find people who want to actually show up for the job.”

Ever heard of this theory of “trickle down?” That’s ridiculous. We’re talking about trickling up. We’re talking about climbing up the ladder.
— Vice President Dan Quayle trying to encourage teenage students in Salinas, California to push themselves in school (The Fresno Bee, 5/19/92, taken from The Quayle Quarterly, Summer/Fall 1992).

Target prices? How that works? I know quite a bit about farm policy. I come from Indiana, which is a farm state. Deficiency payments — which are the key — that is what gets money into the farmer’s hands. We got loan, uh, rates, we got target, uh, prices, uh, I have worked very closely with my senior colleague, (Indiana Sen.) Richard Lugar, making sure that the farmers of Indiana are taken care of.
— Vice President Dan Quayle on being asked to define the term `target prices’. Quayle’s press secretary then cut short the press conference, after two minutes and 30 seconds.

Tobacco exports should be expanded aggressively because Americans are smoking less.
— Vice President Dan Quayle, 1990 (reported by IPS, 8/14/92).

[David Broder: Doesn’t that sound like a case where the public is getting shafted and there may be a need for local regulation or F.C.C. regulation?]
Yeah. There is F.C.C. regulation. There is regulation.
[There’s not control of rates or service.]
That’s true, but there is —
[Well, tell me in simple terms that people can understand: Why shouldn’t they be regulated?]
O.K., simple terms, here’s the choice. Here’s the choice in simple terms. Are you going to try to constrain the price increase through regulation or through genuine competition? Our preference is to do it through genuine competition.
[But there isn’t genuine competition.]
That’s right. Because you have — but the cities that grant these things can certainly be more competitive and have more openness if they’re —
[So your suggestion is that they go out and have two or three different companies wire these communities to get competition?]
I’m not going to get into the micromanagement of the cable industry.
— Vice President Dan Quayle on NBC’s Meet the Press 9/20/92, defending the administration’s opposition to the cable-tv re-regulation bill (reported in the NY Times 10/7/92).

If you listen to the news, read the news, you’d think we were still in a recession. Well, we’re not in a recession. We’ve had growth; people need to know that. They need to be more upbeat, more positive…
— Vice President Dan Quayle in October 91.

Need any help?
— Vice President Dan Quayle in October 91 addressing GM autoworkers in Southgate two weeks before GM announced 74,000 layoffs.

I do have a political agenda. It’s to have as few regulations as possible.
— Vice President Dan Quayle