Texas Builds It Larger

A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver “What’s that building there?” “That’s the Royal York Hotel” replied the cabbie. “The Royal York? How long did it take to build that?” asked the Texan. “About 12 years” replied the cabbie.

“12 years? We build ’em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months.”

A while later the cab driver makes his was past the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre. “What’s that building over there?” asked the Texan. “That’s the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre” replied the cabbie. “Convention Centre? How long’d it take to build that?” asked the Texan. “About three years” replied the cabbie. “Three years? We build ’em twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes us about two weeks.”

Shortly thereafter the cabbie drives past the CN Tower. “What’s that building there?” asks the Texan, pointing at the tower. “Danged if I know” replied the cabbie, “It wasn’t here when I drove by yesterday.”

Skydiving

A redneck wanted to learn how to skydive, so he got an instructor and started taking lessons. The instructor told the redneck to jump out of the plane and pull his ripcord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The redneck understood and was ready.

The time came for the redneck to jump out of the airplane. The instructor reminded the redneck that he would be right behind him. The redneck proceeded to jump from the plane, and after being in the air for a few seconds he pulled the ripcord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his ripcord, but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past the redneck.

The redneck, seeing this, yelled as he undid the straps to his parachute, “So you wanna race, eh?”

Martha Stewarts Guide for Rednecks

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at
them.

3. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed it’s time to change
sheets.

5. Even if you’re CERTAIN that you are included in the will
… it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the
funeral.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper
cup and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the
vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with
your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should NEVER be prepared by a
taxidermist.

2. Do NOT allow the dog to eat at the table … no matter
how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job
that should done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for
several days. However if you live alone, deodorant is a waste
of money.

3. Dirt & grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as
it tends to detract from a woman’s jewelry & alter the taste
of finger foods.

DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)

1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the
first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been
wantin’ to go out with you since I read that stuff on the
bathroom wall two years ago.

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected
back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say “Monday”. If
the latter is the answer it is the man’s responsibility to
get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up
as soon as the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests
have proven they cannot hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you
shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with
a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky
appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks & shoes for this
special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the
gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the
largest tires ALWAYS has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it
is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

5. Do NOT lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Things You’d Never Hear a Southern American Say

• I thought Graceland was tacky.

• No kids in the back of the pick-up, it’s not safe.

• Do you think my hair is too big?

• Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

• The tires on that truck are too big.

• I’ve got it all on a floppy disk.

• Do you think this ball cap goes with this shirt?

• Damned if that polititian ain’t honest!

• We’re vegetarians.

• I’ll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.

• You can’t feed that to the dog.

• Trim the fat off that steak.

• I just love the Opera

• Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

• Wrasslin’s fake.

Birth Rate

An Alabama couple, both bonified rednecks, had 9 children.
They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband
“fixed”.

The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked
them what finally made them make the decision — why after
nine children, would they choose to do this.

The husband replied that they had read in a recent article
that one out of every ten children being born in North
America was Mexican, and they didn’t want to take a chance
on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could
speak Spanish.

Texas Figgers of Speech

1. AS WELCOME AS A SKUNK AT A LAWN PARTY.
Self-explanatory

2. TIGHTER THAN BARK ON A TREE.
Not very generous

3. BIG HAT, NO CATTLE.
All talk and no action

4. WE’VE HOWDIED BUT WE AIN’T SHOOK YET.
We’ve made a brief acquaintance but have not been formally introduced.

5. HE THINKS THE SUN CAME UP JUST TO HEAR HIM CROW.
He has a pretty high opinion of himself.

6. IT’S SO DRY THE TREES ARE BRIBIN’ THE DOGS.
We really could use a little rain around here.

7. JUST BECAUSE A CHICKEN HAS WINGS DOESN’T MEAN IT CAN FLY.
Appearances can be deceptive.

8. THIS AIN’T MY FIRST RODEO.
I’ve been around awhile.

9. HE LOOKS LIKE THE DOG’S BEEN KEEPIN’ HIM UNDER THE PORCH.
Not the most handsome of men.

10. THEY ATE SUPPER BEFORE THEY SAID ! GRACE.
Living in sin.

11. TIME TO PAINT YOUR BUTT WHITE AND RUN WITH THE ANTELOPE.
Stop arguing and do as you’re told.

12. AS FULL OF WIND AS A CORN-EATIN’ HORSE.
Rather prone to boasting.

13. YOU CAN PUT YOUR BOOTS IN THE OVEN BUT THAT DON’T MAKE THEM BISCUITS.
You can say whatever you want about something, but it doesn’t change what it is.
14. WE’RE IN TALL COTTON.
Things are going well