Chinese in 21 easy lessons

  1. Are you harboring a fugitive – Hu Yu Hai Ding
  2. See me A.S.A.P. – Kum Hia Nao
  3. Small Horse – Tai Ni Po Ni
  4. Your price is too high – No Bai Dam Thing
  5. Did you go to the beach – Wai Yu So Tan
  6. I bumped into a coffee table – Ai Bang Mai Ni
  7. I think you need a facelift – Chin Tu Fat
  8. It’s very dark in here – Wai So Dim?
  9. Has your flight been delayed? – Hao Long Wei Ting?
  10. That was an unauthorized execution.- Lin Ching
  11. I thought you were on a diet – Wai Yu Mun Ching?
  12. This is a tow away zone. – No Pah King
  13. You are not very bright – Yu So Dum
  14. I got this for free – Ai No Pei
  15. I am not guilty – Wai Hang Mi?
  16. Please, stay a while longer – Wai Go Nao?
  17. Our meeting was scheduled for next week – Wai Yu Kum Nao
  18. They have arrived – Hia Dei Kum
  19. Stay out of sight – Lei Lo
  20. He’s cleaning his automobile – Wa Shing Ka
  21. Does this bathroom stink! Hu Flung Dung?

Adopting A Baby

A Polish couple were delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”

The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”

Flies In The Beer

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.

The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.

The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.

The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, “Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!”

What’s for Lunch

An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, Corned beef and cabbage. If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I’m going to jump off this building.

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, Burritos again. If I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump off, too.

The redneck opened his lunch and said, Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I’m jumping too.

Next day – the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican open his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also.

At the funeral – The Irishman’s wife is weeping. She says, “If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again” The Mexican’s wife also weeps and says “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.” Everyone turned and stared at the redneck’s wife. “Hey, don’t look at me,” she said, “He makes his own lunch.”

A lesson in German

Dog: Barkenpantensniffer

Dog Catcher: Barkenpantensniffersnatcher

Dog Catcher’s Truck: Barkenpantensniffersnatcherwagen

Garage for Truck: Barkenpantensniffensnatcherwagenhaus

Truck Repairman:
Barkenpantensniffensnatcherwagenmechanikerwerker

Mechanic’s Union:
Barkenpantensniffensnatcherwagenmechanikerwerkerfeatherbeddengefixengruppe

Doctor: Chestergethumpenpulsentooker

Nurse: Chestergethumpenpulsentookerhelper

Hypodermic Needle:
Chestergethumpenpulsentookerhelperhurtensticker

Backside: Chestergethumpenpulsentookerhelperhurtenstickerstabbenplatz

Piano: Plinkenplankenplunkenbox

Pianist: Plinkenplankenplunkenboxgepounder

Piano Stool: Plinkenplankenplunkenboxgepounderspinnenseat

Piano Recital:
Plinkenplankenplunkenboxgepounderoffengeshowenspelle

Fathers at the Recital:
Plinkenplankenplunkenboxgepounderoffengeshowenspellensnoozengruppe

Mothers at the Recital:
Plinkenplankenplunkenboxgepounderoffengeshowenspellensnoozengruppenuppenwakers

Automobile: Honkenbrakenscreecher

Gasoline: Honkenbrakenscreecherzoomerjuicen

Driver: Honkenbrakenscreecherguidenschtunker

Auto Mechanic: Honkenbrakenscreecherknockengepingersputtergefixer

Repair Bill: Bankenrollergebustenuptottenliste

How do you know you’re a Russian in the US

  1. Your car costs more than your college education
  2. Your blood has a permanent vodka content level, no matter you have been drinking or not
  3. Any outfit you wear involves leather (even in the summer even when no coats are worn)
  4. Your idea of a normal Friday or Saturday night is spending it raving with 200-300 of your closest friends
  5. Your idea of a love song is Track 1 of the New York Underground Party Volume 3 CD.
  6. Things you can’t live without include food, water, and a cell phone
  7. Instead of notes during class you write text messages to your friends in Russian font
  8. You come home at 3am and your parents are still out partying with all your friend’s parents
  9. People are always asking you if you can get them a cheep deal on something…and you can
  10. Every sentence you say or hear starts with “blyat” and ends with “nahuy”
  11. You know the new line of Nokia’s 3 months before they come out on the market
  12. You can’t go to the movies on Sunday night without having to save 20 seats for your late friends cuz they’re buying semichki
  13. You don’t mind family get-togethers because you know the grandmas will be making dinner
  14. You know all the cops by their first names
  15. You know someone who works at a dental lab
  16. You are somehow related to most of the people you know
  17. On the weekends your place of residence is the pool hall, and every 10 mins the tolstii pon’chik tells you to pick up line 2
  18. You drive a Honda (or, in the EXTREME worse case a Nissan), and your windows are tinted to twice the legal limit
  19. Your Honda has either a RU (Russia) or UA (Ukraine) sticker on the back bumper
  20. Your Honda is a 5-speed stick shift, and you laugh at anyone driving an automatic by calling them lohs
  21. At any given moment you are carrying at least a dime bag of shmal’…
  22. Your uncle is in the Russian Mafia or is a former employee of the KGB
  23. You have been kicked out of the JCC at least twice for trying to sneak in without paying.
  24. You can be identified as “Russian” by your scent (D&G or Aqua de Gio cologne).
  25. The waitresses at Omega know your order even before you say anything. Most of the time you get “Gypsy”.
  26. You met your girl playing strip durak at the last party you went to.
  27. Everyone you know has a ruchka of smirnoff in their trunk.
  28. You wake up on a saturday morning, unable to remember which one of your friends gave you a ride home because you couldn’t even walk, but see your car standing in the parking lot (you drove home yourself).
  29. You start thinking of bread as a good mixer for vodka
  30. You know more than 30 Olgas, Annas, Natashas, and Vikas
  31. You have to tell your parents what channel is “YOUR” HBO, Showtime, Per-View is on.
  32. Your parents have computer “experience” for 8 years already on the resume, yet they been in US for only 4…
  33. You major in Computer Science or in worst case scenario Information Systems (but you still barely know how to turn on a computer).
  34. You have a personalized license plate.
  35. When you are going downtown you ride in one of the last two train carts.
  36. Typical Friday/Saturday night phone call to your friends starts with “So what are we doing tonight?”
  37. Most of your clothes are fake brand names but you “just can’t tell them apart from the real ones.”
  38. Your fake id is the International Driving License who you got through your friend who goes to Kingsburough.
  39. You used to work out, but you don’t anymore. If you do workout, you must wear all you golden chains and bracelets.
  40. Lifting a cigarette while drinking coffee counts as an exercise.
  41. You have a fake Movado because you can’t afford a real Rolex.
  42. Once in a while you attempt to go to synagogue but you never make it past the door because you meet so many people you haven’t seen for so long.
  43. Some English words like “use, shop, apply, and etc.” permanently become a part of your conversational
  44. You’re proud to be Russian – and you pass these jokes on to all your Russian friends!