The Official Language of the EU

The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German,which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be known as “EuroEnglish”.

In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”.. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard “c” will be dropped in favor of the “k”. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with the “f”. This will make words like “fotograf” 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent “e”‘s in the language is disgraceful, and they should go away.

By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaiining “ou” and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reali sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!

On A Plane

A German, an Australian, and a Mexican are on a plane. They say that they can tell where they are by sticking their hands out of the pane. The German sticks his hand out and says “We are in Germany”. The others ask, “How do you know”, the German says, “Cuz’ it’s so cold”. Then the Australian sticks his hand out and says “We are in Australia”, the others ask “How do you know”, he replies “Cuz’ it’s so warm”. Then the Mexican sticks his hand out and back in. He says ” We are in Mexico”, the others ask “How do you know”, he says ” Cuz’ my watch is gone”.

Jewish Pilot

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His new copilot is Chinese, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, “I don’t like Chinese.”

“No rike Chinese?” asks the copilot, “why not?”

“You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that’s why!”

“No, no,” the copilot protests, “Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.”

“Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese… doesn’t matter, you’re all alike!”

There are a few minutes of silence. “No rike Jews!” the copilot suddenly announces.

“Why not?” asks the captain.

“Jews sink Titanic.”

“Jews didn’t sink the Titanic!” exclaims the captain; “It was an iceberg!”

“Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah… all same.”

Chopsticks

A man lunching at a Chinese restaurant noticed that the table had been set with forks, not chopsticks. He asked why. The waiter said, “Chopsticks were provided only on request.”

“But,” the man countered, “if you gave your patrons chopsticks, you wouldn’t have to pay someone to wash all the forks.”

“True,” the waiter shot back, “but we would have to hire three more people to clean up the mess.”

American Beer

A German and an American werte having a rather heated arguement about the quality of their respective country’s brews. This went on for a good half hour when the German said: “Look. I’ll prove it to you”

Whereupon, he poured a couple of ounces of Bud into a specimin jar and sent it off to a testing lab for analysis.

Well, about two weeks later, a letter arrives from the lab which read as followes:

Dear Mr. Schnitzel,

Based on the evaluation of the sample you sent us, we regret to inform you that your horse is diabetic.

Warmest Regards
Dr. Ben D. Over

Convert!

Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when
they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign
posted that says, “Covert to Catholicism and get $10.”

One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His
friend turns to him and says, “Murray, what’s going on?”

“Abe,” replies Murray, “I’m thinking of doing it.”

Abe says, “What are you, crazy?”

Murray thinks for a minute and says, “Abe, I’m going to do it.”

With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes
out twenty minutes later with his head bowed.

“So,” asks Abe, “did you get your ten dollars?”

Murray looks up at him and says, “Is that all you people think of?”

Good To Be American

1. You can have a woman president without electing her

2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it

3. You can call Budweiser beer

4. You can be a crook and still be president

5. If you’ve got enough money you can get elected to do anything

6. If you can breathe you can get a gun

7. You can invent a new public holiday every year

8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.

9. You get to call everyone you’ve never met “buddy”

10. You can think you’re the greatest nation on earth.

11. You can get a pizza within minutes of ordering.

Top Nine Reasons Why It’s Good To Be Italian

1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes

2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.

3. No need to worry about tax returns

4. Glorious military history… well, until about 400 a.d.

5. Can wear sunglasses inside

6. Political stability

7. Flexible working hours

8. Live near the Pope

9. Country run by Sicilian murderers

Good To Be Canadian

1. It beats being an American.

2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.

4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground

5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?

6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.

7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins

9. Own-an-eskimo scheme.

10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground