A Russian Ride

Russian and American are talking over a drink. “When I am in a good mood I drive a car that is painted a light color,” says the American.  When I am busy or have a lot of troubles, I drive a darker colored car. And when I go for vacation overseas, I pick a brightly colored car.

“Things are much easier in Russia, “says the Russian.” If you are in a good mood, they will give you a ride in yellow car with a blue stripe. If you feel bad, the car will be white and the stripe red. I was abroad only once, and there I drove a tank.

Redneck Couple

Billy-Bob and Peggy-Sue got married and had a baby every year or less. After having their 11th child, the couple told the doctor that they were going to stop having babies as soon as they could figure out what was causing them. The doctor suggested to Billy-Bob that he try covering the organ before they made love.

Sure enough, it wasn’t long before Peggy-Sue was pregnant again. The doctor asked Billy-Bob if he had tried covering his organ like he had suggested they do.

Billy-Bob replied, “We don’t have an organ, Doc, but I did throw a blanket over the piano.”

Martha Stewart’s Rules for Rednecks

GENERAL

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table…no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Eucalyptus Road

Sue Ellen passed away so Billy Bob called 911. The operator promised to send someone out immediately and asked him where he lived.

“Right at the end of Eucalyptus Road,” Billy Bob replied.

“Could you spell that for me please?” the operator asked.

After a very lengthy pause Billy Bob said, “How ’bout I just drag her on over to Pine Street and y’all can pick her up there?”

New Department Store

Russians asked Japanese to design a new department store. Japanese came up with an idea that all what are needed is just a huge building and two people to work in it.
– How’s that only two?
– One at the front door, to say: “There is nothing available!” And the other one at the exit: “Haven’t we warned you?!”

Redneck Hero

Two boys are playing football in the Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler.

Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog’s collar and twists, breaking the dog’s neck.

A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

“Forty Niners fan saves friend from vicious animal”, he starts writing in his notebook.

“But I’m not a Niners fan,” the boy replies.

“Oakland Raiders fan rescues friend from horrific attack,” says the reporter as he writes in his notebook.

“I’m not a Raiders fan either,” the boy says.

“Then what are you?” the reporter asks.

“I’m a Cowboys fan!” the boy says proudly.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, “Redneck bastard kills family pet!”

You Might Be A Redneck

  • On stag night, you take a real deer.
  • You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house.
  • Your back porch is bigger than your house.
  • There is more oil in your cap than in your car.
  • You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
  • A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.
  • An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.
  • You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother’s tooth.
  • You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.
  • Your secret family recipe is illegal.