Adopted son

The backwoods couple was delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called adn told them they had a wonderful Japanese boy, and the couple took him without hesitation. On the way back home, they stopped by the local college to enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “May I ask you a question? What ever possessed you to study Japanese?”

The backwoodsman said proudly, “In a year or so, our adopted son will start to talk. We want to be able to understand him.”

Are you choking?

Out to lunch one day, the immigrants were having a fine time until Hymie began to gag.

“I think I svallowed a bone,” Hymie gasped.

“Hymie,” said Miklos, “are you choking?”

“No, I am serious!”

Soup

When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. “Good heavens,” he said, “what is this?” “Why, it’s bean soup,” she replied. “I don’t care what it has been,” he sputtered. “What is it now?”

Anniversary

They had lived together in the backwoods for over fifty years. To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, he took her to a large city and they checked into a plush hotel. She said to the bellman, “We refuse to settle for such a small room. No windows, no bed, and no air conditioning.” “But, madam!”, replied the bellman. “Don’t ‘But madam’ me,” she continued. “You can’t treat us like we’re a couple of fools just because we don’t travel much, and we’ve never been to the big city, and never spent the night at a hotel. I’m going to complain to the manager.” “Madam,” the bellman said, “this isn’t your room; this is the elevator!”

8 Ways to be annoying in Australia

  1. Point at someone with your index finger.
  2. Yawn without covering your mouth.
  3. Or excusing yourself.
  4. Blow your nose in public.
  5. Make the peace sign.
  6. Wink at women.
  7. Touch someone while talking to them.
  8. Walk between two talking people.

Leroy’s homework assignment

Leroy is given a homework assignment. Still befuddled by the whole school thing, Leroy is a trooper. He was given another set of vocabulary words to use in sentences.

Here’s what he handed in:

HONOR ROLL – We was playin poker on the stoop the other day, man I was HONOROLL.
PLANET – I got me some seed to grow weed, so I PLANET in the backyard.
DISMAY – I went for a blood test, the doctor pulled out a big needle. He said, “DISMAY hurt a little.”
OMELETTE – Every time I start a new job, OMELETTE go after a week.
STAIRWAY – When me and my homies get high, we STAIRWAY into space.
MOBILE – I went to buy crack, I was short on cash, my man said, “Gimme one MOBILE.”
DEFENSE – I ran from the cops, and hopped DEFENSE and got away.
AFRO – I got so mad at my girly, AFRO a lamp at her.
AFTERMATH – I like to be high in school, so AFTERMATH I go to the field and smoke weed.
LOCKET – I slam the door so hard, I LOCKET.
DOMINEERING – My girly’s birthday was yesterday, I got her a DOMINEERING.
KENYA – I needed change fo the subway, so I axe a stranger KENYA spare some change.
DERANGE – DERANGE is where da deer and antelope play.
DATA – At my basketball game, I scored thirty points. My coach said, “DATA boy!”
COPULATE – I called 911 and an hour later when they show up, I said, “COPULATE!”
FASCINATE – My girly’s boobs are so big. Her shirt has ten buttons, she can only FASCINATE!
BEWARE – I asked the man at the unemployment office, “Is this BEWARE I get a job?”
COATROOM – The judge said, “One more outburst like that, and you’ll be thrown out the COATROOM.”
DECIDE – I like Wanda and Yolanda, but I like to have a couple of babes on DECIDE.

Canadian Driving

How to identify a Canadian driver:
1. – One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: MONTREAL
2. – One hand on wheel, one finger out window: TORONTO
3. – One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: OTTAWA
4. – Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: SASKATOON, but driving in TORONTO
5. – Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in the back seat: QUEBEC CITY
6. – One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: VANCOUVER
7. – One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the brake and both feet on the accelerator, throwing McDonald’s bag out the window: RED DEER
8. – Four wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on the floor, raccoon tails attached to the antenna: PRINCE GEORGE
9. – Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield driving 40 km/hr on Hwy 1 in the left lane with the left blinker on: VICTORIA
10. – One ski-doo mitt on steering wheel, one ski-doo mitt scrapper in hand out front window scrapping frost, Guess Who on 8 track playing Share The Land, hockey equipment smelling up car interior, waiting at lights for snow removal equipment to finish clearing intersection: WINNIPEG