Category: Corporate humor

NEW – Different color from previous design.

ALL NEW – Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.

EXCLUSIVE – Imported product.

UNMATCHED – Almost as good as the competition.

FOOLPROOF OPERATION – No provision for adjustments.

ADVANCED DESIGN – The advertising agency doesn’t understand it.

IT’S HERE AT LAST – Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.

FIELD TESTED – Manufacturer lacks test equipment.

HIGH ACCURACY – Unit on which all parts fit.

FUTURISTIC – No other reason why it looks the way it does.

REDESIGNED – Previous flaws fixed – we hope.

DIRECT SALES ONLY – Factory had a big argument with distributor.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT – We finally got one to work.

BREAKTHROUGH – We finally figured out a use for it.

MAINTENANCE FREE – Impossible to fix.

MEETS ALL STANDARDS – Ours, not yours.

SOLID-STATE – Heavy as hell.

LESS FATTENING – Now doesn’t have the same fat content as pig stomach lining.

HIGH RELIABILITY – We made it work long enough to ship it.

NON-REFUNDABLE – We couldn’t make it work long enough to ship it.

FAT FREE – You pay for the food, but the fat is free.

The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager kissing his secretary.

He shouted at him, “Is this what I pay you for?”

The manager replied: “No, sir, this I do free of charge.”

A software engineer, hardware engineer, and departmental manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing off guardrails until it miraculously ground to a scraping halt along the mountainside. The occupants of the car were unhurt, but they had a problem. They were stuck halfway down the mountain in a car with no brakes.

“I know,” said the manager. “Let’s have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and through a process of continuous improvement, find a solution to the Critical Problems and we’ll be on our way.”

“No,” said the hardware engineer. “I’ve got my Swiss army knife with me. I can strip down the car’s braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we’ll be on our way.”

“Wait,” said the software engineer. “Before we do anything, shouldn’t we push the car back to the top of the mountain and see if it happens again?”

• Real Engineers consider themselves well dressed if their socks match.
• Real Engineers buy their spouses a set of matched screwdrivers for their birthday.
• Real engineers have a non-technical vocabulary of 800 words.
• Real Engineers repair their own cameras, telephones, televisions, watches, and automatic transmissions.

1. At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string of Christmas lights.
2. For you, it becomes a moral dilemma to decide whether to buy flowers for your girlfriend or spend money to upgrade the RAM on your computer.
3. On the Alaskan Cruise, everyone else is on deck peering at the scenery and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.
4. In college, you thought the Summer break was metal fatigue failure.
5. The only jokes you receive are through e-mail.
6. The salespeople at Computers Are Us can’t answer any of your questions.
7. You are always late to meetings.
8. At an air show you know how fast the skydivers are falling.
9. If you were  on death row in  French prison and you find that the guillotine is not working properly, you would offer to fix it.
10. You bought your wife a new CD-ROM for her birthday.
11. You can quote  scenes from any Monty Python movie.
12. You can type 70 words per minute but you can’t read your own handwriting.
13. You can’t write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.
14. You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
15. You never have matching socks on.
16. You save the power cords from a broken appliance.
17. You have more friends on the Internet that in real life.
18. You have never backed up your hard drive.
19. You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married.
20. You know what http:// stands for.
21. You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids’ toys.
22. You see a good design and still have to change it.
23. You still own a slide rule and you know how to use it.
24. Your laptop computer costs more than your car.
25. You think that when people around you yawn, it’s because they didn’t get enough sleep.

1. Advises you to save postage by filing your taxes telepathically.
2. Counts a family of possums living in your yard as dependents.
3. Demands that you call him the “Una-Countant”.
4. He laughs at the demand for an audit.
5. He’s got a GST Form tattooed on his arm.
6. In several places on your tax forms he’s written, “Give or take a million dollars”.
7. Insists that there’s no such number as four.
8. Instead of a C.P.A. license, he’s got a framed photo of a shirtless Peter Costello.
9. Tells you to put all your money into British cattle futures.
10. You notice that his “calculator” is just a broken VCR remote.

1. You sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
2. You worked for the same company for four years and sat at more than ten different desks.
3. You’ve been in the same job for four years and have had ten different managers.
4. You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
5. You order your business cards in “half orders” instead of whole boxes.
6. When someone asks about what you do for a living, you can’t explain it in one sentence.
7. You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
8. You use acronyms in your sentences.
9. Art involves a white board.
10. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.
11. You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
12. Weekends are those days your significant other makes you stay home.
13. It’s dark when you drive to and from work.
14. Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.
15. The word “opportunity” makes you shiver in fear.
16. Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
17. Being sick is defined as can’t walk or you’re in the hospital.
18. You’re already late on the assignment you just got.
19. Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube and are read by your co-workers only.
20. You boss’ favorite lines are, “when you get a few minutes” or,”when you’re fed up”.
21. You read this entire list and understood it.

The LAPD, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it — including the rabbit — and make no apologies. “The rabbit had it coming.”

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, “Okay, okay, I’m a rabbit, I’m a rabbit.”

9. Pays better than McDonald’s (though the hours aren’t as good.)

8. Fashionable shoes and sexy uniforms.

7. Needles: ’tis better to give than to receive.

6. Confidence in reassuring patients that all bleeding stops … eventually.

5. Opportunity to expose yourself to rare, exotic, and exciting new diseases.

4. Interesting aromas.

3. Courteous and infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly clear handwriting.

2. Celebration of holidays with all your friends … at work.

1. Comfort in the knowledge that most of your patients survive no matter what you do to them.

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them. If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Computer Information Systems is their niche.

If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they’re destined for the Help Desk.

If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, put them into Purchasing.

If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests, Public Relations would suit them well.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents team.

If they don’t even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it’s not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.