Differences between consulting and prostitution

* You work very odd hours.
* You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.
* You are paid well but your pimp gets most of the money.
* You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room.
* You charge by the hour but your time can be extended.
* You are not proud of what you do.
* Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.
* It’s difficult to have a family.
* You have no job satisfaction.
* If a client beats you up, the pimp just sends you to another client.
* You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.
* People ask you, “What do you do?” and you can’t explain it.
* Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.
* Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.
* Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or Jaguars.
* You know the pimp is charging more than you are worth but if the client is foolish enough to pay it’s not your problem.
* When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return looking like hell (compare your appearance on Monday AM to Friday PM).
* You are rated on your “performance” in an excruciating ordeal.
* Even though you might get paid the big bucks, if you are good, and I mean really REALLY good, it’s the client who walks away smiling.
* The client always thinks your “cut” of your billing rate is higher than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you.
* When you deduct your “take” from your billing rate, you constantly wonder if you could get a better deal with another pimp.

Careers – who is who

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter)

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn’t there. (Charles Darwin)

A topologist is a man who doesn’t know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a “brief.” (Franz Kafka)

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time — or tells you how to make a watch. The really savvy ones ask you what time you’d like it to be.

Slogans of different professions

On an Electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”

Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: “Best place in town to take a leak.”

In a Non-smoking area: “If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”

On Maternity Room door: “Push, Push, Push.”

At an Optometrist’s Office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

At a Car Dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”

Outside a Muffler Shop: “No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.”

Outside a Hotel: “Help! We need inn-experienced people.”

At an Auto Body Shop: “May we have the next dents?”

In a Dry Cleaner’s Emporium: “Drop your pants here.”

In a Veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

On a Music Teacher’s door: “Out Chopin.”

At the Electric Company: “We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be.”

On the side of a Garbage Truck: “We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.”

On the door of a Computer Store: “Out for a quick byte.”

In a Restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.”

Inside a Bowling Alley: “Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.”

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: “Drive carefully, we’ll wait.”

Corporate talk

“JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY”
We have no time to train you; you’ll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers.

“IMMEDIATE OPENING”
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We’re just now running the ad.

“PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS”
After 3 years, we’ll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave we’ll give you a 5 percent matching contribution. (“Maybe”)

“COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT”
We have a lot of turnover.

“EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT”
Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.

“JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM”
We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.

“MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED”
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day and a year by the end of your first week.

“FLEXIBLE HOURS”
Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.

“DUTIES WILL VARY”
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

“MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL”
We have no quality control.

“SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE”
You’ll need it to replace three people who just quit.

“PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST”
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

“REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS”
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

“GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS”
Management communicates, you listen, then try and figure out what they want and how to do it.

“ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD”
You whine, you’re fired.

Weird job interview answers

Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to described their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees:

* A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.

* Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to both the

interviewer and the music at the same time.

* Candidate fell and broke his arm.

* Candidate announced she had not had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger

and French fries in the interviewers’ office.

* Candidate explained that her long-term goals were to replace the interviewer.

* Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.

* Balding candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.

* Applicant said if he was hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having

the corporate logo tattooed to his forearm.

* Applicant interrupted the interview to phone her therapist for advice on how

to answer specific interview questions.

* Candidate brought large dog to interview.

* Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.

* Candidate dozed off during interview.