A Lesson

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, “Father, remember psalm 129?”

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again Said, “Father, remember psalm 129?” Once again the priest apologized. “Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak.”

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance, and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!

Business one-liners

  1. A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your life for his country.
  2. A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new sense.
  3. A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.
  4. A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
  5. A bird in the hand is always safer than one overhead.
  6. A bird in the hand is dead.
  7. A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
  8. A boss with no humor is like a job that is no fun.
  9. A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
  10. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
  11. A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. – Milton Berle
  12. A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.
  13. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  14. A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually.
  15. A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time.
  16. A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk. – Franklin D. Roosevelt
  17. A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home.
  18. A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not take place.
  19. A couple of months in the lab can often save a couple of hours in the library.
  20. A crisis is when you cannot say “let’s just forget the whole thing.”

Real McDonalds job application

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

24 Things People Told Their Insurance Companies

  1. The guy was all over the road.  I had to swerve several times before I hit him.
  2. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.
  3. The other car collided with mine without giving me warning of its intention.
  4. I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
  5. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
  6. In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
  7. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
  8. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother in law and headed over the embankment.
  9. I had been shopping for a plant all day and was on my way home.  As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
  10. I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
  11. As I approached the intersection a sign appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before.  I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
  12. I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident and damage my big end.
  13. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run.  So I ran over him.
  14. I saw a slow moving, sad faced, old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
  15. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
  16. My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
  17. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
  18. I told the police that I was injured, but on removing my hat I found that I had a fractured skull.
  19. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
  20. The telephone pole was approaching.  I was attempting to swerve out the way when I struck the front end.
  21. The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.
  22. I knocked over a man, he admitted it was his fault as he’d been knocked over before.
  23. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
  24. I was thrown from my car as it left the road.  I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

My Rezimay

Deer Sur,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job I seen in the paper. I can type real kwik wit one finggar and do sum Acounting 2.

I think I am good on the fone and I am a pepole person. Pepole really seam to respond good to me.

Im lookin for a jobb as a secritary but it kant be 2 complikaited

My spelling is not 2 good but find that I awfin get a job Bcuz of my persinalety.

My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am wurth,

I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse 4 yore anser.

Hopifuly I M Yore best aplicant so phar.

Sinseerly,

Peggy May McBiggins

PS : I half includeded a pickture of me B low.

Employer’s response:

Dear Peggy May,

It’s OK, we have spell check.

Unusual Experience Interviewing Prospective Employees

A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.

Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.

Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.

Candidate announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewers office.

Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer.

Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.

Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece.

Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.

Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.

Candidate brought large dog to interview.

Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.

Candidate dozed off during interview.

The employers were also asked to list the “most unusual” questions that have been asked by job candidates.

“What is it that you people do at this company?”

“What is the company motto?”

“Why aren’t you in a more interesting business?”

“What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?”

“Why do you want references?”

“Do I have to dress for the next interview?”

“I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?”

“Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?”

“Will the company pay to relocate my horse?”

“Does your health insurance cover pets?”

“Would it be a problem if I’m angry most of the time?”

“Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?”

“Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?”

“Why am I here?”

Also included are a number of unusual statement made by candidates during the interview process…

I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement.

At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking.

I feel uneasy indoors.

Sometimes I feel like smashing things.

Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars.

I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington.

I get excited very easily.

Once a week, I usually feel hot all over.

I am fascinated by fire.

I like tall women.

Whenever a man is with a woman he is usually thinking about sex.

People are always watching me.

If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back.

Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct.

I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker.

I never get hungry.

I know who is responsible for most of my troubles

If the pay was right, I’d travel with the carnival.

I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me.

My legs are really hairy.

I think I’m going to throw-up.

10 Reasons to Go to Work Naked

1. Your boss is always yelling, “I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!”

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. “I’d love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants.”

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

5. You want to see if it’s like the dream.

6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add “Exotic Dancer” to your exaggerated resume.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they’ve seen where you keep them.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

9. Gives “bad hair day” a whole new meaning.

10. No one steals your chair.