Category: Corporate humor

IN PRISON…you spend the majority of your time in an 8×10 cell.
AT WORK…you spend most of your time in a 6×8 cubicle.

IN PRISON…you get three meals a day.
AT WORK…you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON…you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK…you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON…a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK…you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON…you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK…you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON…you get your own toilet.
AT WORK…you have to share.

IN PRISON…they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK…you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON…all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required
AT WORK…you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON…you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK…you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON…there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK…they are called managers.

My new work philosophy:

Always give 100% at work…

* 12% on Mondays
* 23% on Tuesdays
* 40% on Wednesdays
* 20% on Thursdays
* 5% on Fridays

What they really mean when they say . . .

“COMPETITIVE SALARY” We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

“JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY” We have no time to train you.

“CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE” We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up.

“MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED” You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

“SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED” Some time each night and some time each weekend.

“DUTIES WILL VARY” Anyone in the office can boss you around.

“MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL” We have no quality control.

“CAREER-MINDED” Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

“APPLY IN PERSON” If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.

“NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE” We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

“SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE” You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.

“PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST” You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

“REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS” You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

“GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS” Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

1. “I’m really keen to work for you – I hear the drugs are good.”

2. “I regret that I have no references. Unfortunately every company I
have worked for has since closed down.”

3. “I’ll kill myself if I don’t get a job.”

4. “I know where you live.”

5. Any sentence beginning with “I was recently acquitted.”

6. “I’m really tall, so I think I’d be well suited to this job.”

7. Happy faces.

8. “By the way, I understand that you have unmarried daughters.”

9. “My turn-ons include…”

10. “I’m confident that I’ll get this job. God told me.”

While most companies refrain from allowing consumption of alcohol on
the premises, there are some good arguments for changing that
policy.

Reasons for allowing drinking at work include:

1. It’s an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can cure hangovers, from the night before, with another drink.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don’t care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn’t so embarrassing.

16. No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas Party.

1. “They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”

2. “This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last
time management course you sent me to.”

3. “Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper”

4. “I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning a new paradigm!”

5. “This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people !”

6. “I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance”

7. “Actually doing a “Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan” (SLEEP)
you learned at the last mandatory seminar your boss made you attend.

8. “I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related
stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?”

9. “Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution
to our biggest problem.”

10. “The coffee machine is broke….”

11. “Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.”

12. “Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!”

13. “Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the
workaholic!”

14. “Wasn’t sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.”

Fair enough…let’s take a look at what you’re asking for.

There are 365 days per year available for work.

There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have two days off per
week, leaving 261 days available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day AWAY from work, you have used up 170
days, leaving only 90 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee breaks. That takes care of 23
days, leaving 68 days available.

You take an hour’s lunch EVERY day, which takes up another 46 days,
leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on Sick Leave. This leaves only 20
daysavailable for work.

We are off for 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is
down to 15 days.

We GENEROUSLY give you 14 days annual leave which leaves only 1 day
available for work, and I’ll tell you this mate, I’ll be damned if
you’re going to take that day off!!!

When you take a long time, you’re slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he’s thorough.

When you don’t do it, you’re lazy.
When your boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.

When you make a mistake, you’re an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he’s only human.

When doing something without being told, you’re overstepping your
authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that’s initiative.

When you take a stand, you’re being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he’s being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you’re being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he’s being original.

When you please your boss, you’re arse-creeping.
When your boss please his boss, he’s being co-operative.

When you’re out of the office, you’re wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he’s on business.

When you have one too many drinks at a social, you’re a drunken bum.
When your boss does the same, he appreciated women.

When you’re on a day off sick, you’re always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it ‘s because he’s overworked.

* You work very odd hours.
* You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.
* You are paid well but your pimp gets most of the money.
* You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room.
* You charge by the hour but your time can be extended.
* You are not proud of what you do.
* Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.
* It’s difficult to have a family.
* You have no job satisfaction.
* If a client beats you up, the pimp just sends you to another client.
* You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.
* People ask you, “What do you do?” and you can’t explain it.
* Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.
* Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.
* Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or Jaguars.
* You know the pimp is charging more than you are worth but if the client is foolish enough to pay it’s not your problem.
* When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return looking like hell (compare your appearance on Monday AM to Friday PM).
* You are rated on your “performance” in an excruciating ordeal.
* Even though you might get paid the big bucks, if you are good, and I mean really REALLY good, it’s the client who walks away smiling.
* The client always thinks your “cut” of your billing rate is higher than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you.
* When you deduct your “take” from your billing rate, you constantly wonder if you could get a better deal with another pimp.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter)

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn’t there. (Charles Darwin)

A topologist is a man who doesn’t know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a “brief.” (Franz Kafka)

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time — or tells you how to make a watch. The really savvy ones ask you what time you’d like it to be.