Questions NOT to ask at the job interview

  1. What’s your company’s policy on severance pay?
  2. How long does it take your company’s bureaucracy to get around to firing somebody for poor performance?
  3. Do you have a random drug testing policy?
  4. Does your company’s life insurance cover suicide?
  5. How in depth are your criminal background checks?
  6. Does your company’s insurance consider genital herpes a pre-existing condition?
  7. How many sick days do you allow each employee before you stop paying them for not being here?
  8. Does your insurance cover sex-change operations?
  9. Does your internet access have a firewall that blocks pornographic websites?
  10. How frequently do your accountants audit petty cash?

I will take two

“This little computer,” said the sales clerk, “will do half your job for you.”

Studying the machine the senior VP decided, “Fine, I’ll take two.”

Talented engineer

The authorities were leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They asked the priest if he wanted to face up or down when he meets his fate.

The priest said that he would like to face up so that he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. So, they raise the blade of the guillotine, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.

The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.

So, the authorities release the drunkard as well.

Next is the engineer. He also decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine when suddenly the engineer shouts, “WAIT!!!… I think the problem is right there where the cable is binding!!!”

Microsoft landing

A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple of really important executives on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 40 feet, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous.

At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: “Hey, where am I?”. The solitary office worker replies: “You’re in an airplane.”. The pilot immediately executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the airport’s runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did it.

“Elementary,” replies the pilot, “I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct but absolutely useless; therefore, I knew that must be Microsoft’s support office and from there the airport is three minutes away on a course of 87 degrees.”

Top 10 signs your company is going to downsize

  1. Company Softball Team is converted to a Chess Club.
  2. Dr.Kevorkian is hired as an “Outplacement Coordinator”.
  3. Your best looking women in Marketing are suddenly very friendly with the dorky Personnel Manager.
  4. The beer supplied by the Company at picnics is Schlitz.
  5. Weekly yard/bake sale at Corporate Headquarters.
  6. Company President now driving a Ford Escort.
  7. Annual Company Holiday Bash moved from the Sheraton to the local Taco Bell.
  8. Employee discount days at the local “Army & Navy Surplus Store” are discontinued.
  9. Dental plan now consists of a Company supplied kit (String, pliers and 2 aspirin).
  10. Your CEO has installed a dart board in his office marked with all existing departments in the Company.

Commuting to work

A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. Thinking it would make the trip more bearable, he invited several coworkers to share the ride. However, the commute actually got more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor.

“Doc,” the frustrated commuter complained, “I’m fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week. But now, when I get in the tunnels with those four other guys crowded into the car, I get anxious and dizzy, and I feel like I’m going to explode.”

Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had diagnosed the ailment.

“What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?”

“No, no, no, my boy. You have something that is becoming more and more common.”

“Tell me! What is it?”

“You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.”

Job interview

A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application. The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.

“I must say,” says the executive, “your work history is terrible. You’ve been fired from every job.”

“Yes,” says the man.

“Well,” continues the executive, “there’s not much positive in that.”

“Hey!” says the guy as he pokes the application. “At least I’m not a quitter.”