- What’s your company’s policy on severance pay?
- How long does it take your company’s bureaucracy to get around to firing somebody for poor performance?
- Do you have a random drug testing policy?
- Does your company’s life insurance cover suicide?
- How in depth are your criminal background checks?
- Does your company’s insurance consider genital herpes a pre-existing condition?
- How many sick days do you allow each employee before you stop paying them for not being here?
- Does your insurance cover sex-change operations?
- Does your internet access have a firewall that blocks pornographic websites?
- How frequently do your accountants audit petty cash?
I will take two
“This little computer,” said the sales clerk, “will do half your job for you.”
Studying the machine the senior VP decided, “Fine, I’ll take two.”
The authorities were leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They asked the priest if he wanted to face up or down when he meets his fate.
The priest said that he would like to face up so that he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. So, they raise the blade of the guillotine, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.
The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.
Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.
So, the authorities release the drunkard as well.
Next is the engineer. He also decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine when suddenly the engineer shouts, “WAIT!!!â€¦ I think the problem is right there where the cable is binding!!!”
A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple of really important executives on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 40 feet, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous.
At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: “Hey, where am I?”. The solitary office worker replies: “You’re in an airplane.”. The pilot immediately executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the airport’s runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did it.
“Elementary,” replies the pilot, “I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct but absolutely useless; therefore, I knew that must be Microsoft’s support office and from there the airport is three minutes away on a course of 87 degrees.”
Top 10 signs your company is going to downsize
- Company Softball Team is converted to a Chess Club.
- Dr.Kevorkian is hired as an “Outplacement Coordinator”.
- Your best looking women in Marketing are suddenly very friendly with the dorky Personnel Manager.
- The beer supplied by the Company at picnics is Schlitz.
- Weekly yard/bake sale at Corporate Headquarters.
- Company President now driving a Ford Escort.
- Annual Company Holiday Bash moved from the Sheraton to the local Taco Bell.
- Employee discount days at the local “Army & Navy Surplus Store” are discontinued.
- Dental plan now consists of a Company supplied kit (String, pliers and 2 aspirin).
- Your CEO has installed a dart board in his office marked with all existing departments in the Company.
Commuting to work
A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. Thinking it would make the trip more bearable, he invited several coworkers to share the ride. However, the commute actually got more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor.
“Doc,” the frustrated commuter complained, “I’m fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week. But now, when I get in the tunnels with those four other guys crowded into the car, I get anxious and dizzy, and I feel like I’m going to explode.”
Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had diagnosed the ailment.
“What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?”
“No, no, no, my boy. You have something that is becoming more and more common.”
“Tell me! What is it?”
“You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.”
A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application. The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.
“I must say,” says the executive, “your work history is terrible. You’ve been fired from every job.”
“Yes,” says the man.
“Well,” continues the executive, “there’s not much positive in that.”
“Hey!” says the guy as he pokes the application. “At least I’m not a quitter.”
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, “Father, remember psalm 129?”
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.
Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again Said, “Father, remember psalm 129?” Once again the priest apologized. “Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak.”
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance, and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”
MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!
- A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your life for his country.
- A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new sense.
- A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.
- A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
- A bird in the hand is always safer than one overhead.
- A bird in the hand is dead.
- A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
- A boss with no humor is like a job that is no fun.
- A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
- A closed mouth gathers no foot.
- A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. – Milton Berle
- A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.
- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
- A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually.
- A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time.
- A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk. – Franklin D. Roosevelt
- A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home.
- A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not take place.
- A couple of months in the lab can often save a couple of hours in the library.
- A crisis is when you cannot say “let’s just forget the whole thing.”
Real McDonalds job application
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.