Software Engineering Glossary

NEW: Different colors from previous version.

ALL NEW: Software is not compatible with previous version.

UNMATCHED: Almost as good as the competition.

ADVANCED DESIGN: Upper management doesn’t understand it.

NO MAINTENANCE: Impossible to fix.

BREAKTHROUGH: It finally booted on the first try.

DESIGN SIMPLICITY: Developed on a shoe-string budget.

UPGRADED: Did not work the first time.

UPGRADED AND IMPROVED: Did not work the second time.
The Dumpty Dictionary, Version 2.0

Software Development Process

1) Order the T-shirts for the Development team

2) Announce availability

3) Write the code

4) Write the manual

5) Hire a Product Manager

6) Spec the software (writing the specs after the code helps to ensure that the software meets the specifications)

7) Ship

8) Test (the customers are a big help here)

9) Identify bugs as potential enhancements

10) Announce the upgrade program

Computer Terminology

486 – The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
State-of-the-art – Any computer you can’t afford.

Obsolete – Any computer you own.

Microsecond – The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

G3 – Apple’s new Macs that make you say “Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.”

Syntax Error – Walking into a computer store and saying, “Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.”

Hard Drive – The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.

GUI – What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced “gooey”)

Keyboard – The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse – An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy – The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer – A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash – A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User – Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System Update – A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

Car That Crashes Four Times

Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors. “If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, ” boasts Gates, “you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour.” Bill Gates continued, “Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50.” In response to all this goading, the GM chairman replied, “Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?”

Computers Users

Computer users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.

Novice Users – People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.

Intermediate Users – People who don’t know how to fix their computer after they’ve just pressed a key that broke it.

Expert Users – People who break other people’s computers.

Conversation With Software Engineer

Never marry a software engineer. Just have a look at this conversation and then decide Yourself.

Husband – hey dear, I am logged in.

Wife – would you like to have some snacks? Husband – hard disk full.

Wife – have you brought the saree. Husband – Bad command or file name.

Wife – but I told you about it in morning Husband – erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.

Wife – Oh God !forget it where’s your salary. Husband – file in use, read only, try after some time.

Wife – at least give me your credit card, i can do some shopping. Husband – sharing violation, access denied.

Wife – I made a mistake in marrying you. Husband – data type mismatch.

Wife – you are useless. Husband – by default.

Wife – who was there with you in the car this morning? Husband – system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.

Wife – what is the relation between you & your Receptionist? Husband – the only user with write permission.

Wife – what is my value in your life? Husband – unknown virus detected.

Wife – do you love me or your computer? Husband – Too many parameters.

Wife – I will go to my dad’s house. Husband – program performed illegal operation, it will Close.

Wife – I will leave you forever. Husband – close all programs and log out for another User.

Wife – it is worthless talking to you. Husband – shut down the computer.

Wife – I am going Husband – Its now safe to turn off your computer.

The Computer Business

My husband and I are both in an Internet business, but he’s the one who truly lives, eat, and breathes computers.

I finally realized how bad it had gotten when I was scratching his back one day.

“No, not there,” he directed. “Scroll down…”

Cancellation

A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message.

“Due to lack of maintenance,” he read, “we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account.”

Computer Resolutions

* I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.

* I will stop sending email to my roommate.

* I resolve to work with neglected children…my own.

* I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer my email.

* When I subscribe to a news group or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.

* I will stay on the computer as long as I want. What? OK, dear…I’m coming. Never mind.

* No more downloads from alt.binaries.

* I resolve to back up my new 2 GB hard drive daily…well, once a week…monthly, perhaps…

* I will spend less than one hour a day on the Net.

* I won’t try to get onto the Netscape web site as soon as a new Navigator beta comes out.

* When I hear, “Where do you want to go today?” I won’t reply “MS Tech Support.”

Bad Soldier

One of Microsoft’s finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area: “It’s leaving here just fine. The trouble must be at your end!”