Write in C

When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
“Write in C.”

As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers”
“Write in C.”

Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, write in C.
LISP is dead and buried,
Write in C.

I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
for science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.

If you’ve just spent nearly 30 hours
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.

Write in C, write in C,
Write In C, yeah, write in C.
Only wimps use BASIC.
Write in C.

Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, oh, write in C.
Pascal won’t quite cut it.
Write in C.

[Guitar Solo]

Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
Don’t even mention COBOL.
Write in C.

And when the screen is fuzzy,
And the edior is bugging me.
I’m sick of ones and zeroes.
Write in C.

A thousand people people swear that T.P.
Seven is the one for me.
I hate the word PROCEDURE,
Write in C.

Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
PL1 is 80’s,
Write in C.

Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
The government loves ADA,
Write in C.

Human DNA source code

* Human Genome
* Version 2.1
* (C) God
/* Revision history:
* 0000-00-01 00:00 1.0 Adam.
* 0000-00-02 10:00 1.1 Eve.
* 0000-00-03 02:11 1.2 Added penis code to male version. A bit
* messy –will require a rewrite later on to make it neater.
* 0017-03-12 03:14 1.3 Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code
* from elephant-dna.c
* 0145-10-03 16:33 1.4 Removed tail.
* 1115-00-31 17:20 1.5 Shortened forearms, expanded brain case.
* 2091-08-20 13:56 1.6 Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine.
* 2501-04-09 14:04 1.7 Minor cosmetic improvements — skin color
* made darker to match my own image.
* 2909-07-12 02:21 1.8 Dentition inadequate; added extra ‘wisdom’
* teeth Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate.
* 4501-12-31 14:18 1.9 Increase average height.
* 5533-02-12 17:09 2.0 Added gay option, triggered by high
* population density, to try and slow the overpopulation problem.
* 6004-11-04 16:11 2.1 Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in
* centra of CD.
/* Standard definitions
#define SEX male
#define HEIGHT 1.84
#define MASS 68
#define RACE caucasian
/* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files.
* Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper
* inheritance features.
#include “mother.h”
#include “father.h”
#infndef FATHER
#warn(“Father unknown — guessingn”)
#include “bastard.h”
/* Set up sex-specific functions and variables
/* Kludged code — I’ll re-design this lot and re-write it as a
* proper library sometime soon.
struct genitals
#ifdef MALE
Penis *jt;
/* G_spot *g; Removed for debugging purposes */
#ifdef FEMALE
Vagina *p;
/* Initialization bootstrap routine — called before DNA duplication.
* Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers
DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *);
* Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the
* organism to display at birth.
* Will be improved later to make output less ugly.
Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i);

What I learned from playing videogames

1. There is no problem that cannot be overcome by violence.

2. You can overcome most adversaries simply by having enough quarters.

3. If it moves, KILL IT!

4. Operating any vehicle or weapon is simple and requires no training.

5. “Bosses” always hire henchmen weaker than they are to do their dirty work.

6. If you find food lying on the ground, eat it.

7. You can smash things and get away with it.

a. Smashing things doesn’t hurt.

b. Many nice things are hidden inside other things.

8. When someone dies, they disappear.

9. Money is frequently found lying on the streets.

10. All shopkeepers carry high-tech weaponry.

11. You never run out of bullets, only grenades.

12. Ninjas are common, and fight in public frequently.

13. Whenever huge evil fat men are about to die, they begin flashing red or yellow.

14. When you are born, you’re invulnerable for a brief period of time.

15. Although the enemy always has more aircraft than you, they fly in

predictable patterns which makes it easier for you to shoot them all down.

16. All women wear revealing clothing and have great bodies.

17. The enemy always leaves weapons and ammo laying around for no other reason than so their bitter enemies can pick them up and defeat them with it.

18. You sustain injury if you shoot innocents.

19. Gang members frequently all look the same, and often have the same names.

20. When driving, do not worry if your vehicle crashes and explodes. A new one will appear in its place.

Beatles – Yesterday (lyrics)

All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.
There’s not half the files there used to be,
And there’s a milestone hanging over me
The Windows crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong
What it was I couldn’t say.
Now all my data’s gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.