Great writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a “great” writer.

When asked to define “great” he said “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!”

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

Programmer smoking

A guy is standing on the corner of the street smoking one cigarette after another. A lady walking by notices him and says
“Hey, don’t you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn’t you see the giant warning on the box?!”
“That’s OK” says the guy, puffing casually “I’m a computer programmer”
“So? What’s that got to do with anything?”
“We don’t care about warnings. We only care about errors.”

Young programmer

A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, “It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I’m glad she slapped him.”

The Project manager is sitting there thinking, “I didn’t know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn’t missed him when she slapped me!”

The young woman was sitting and thinking, “I’m glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!”

The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, “Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager all at the same time!”

Programming languages are like cars

Assembler: A formula I race car. Very fast but difficult to drive and maintain.
FORTRAN II: A Model T Ford. Once it was the king of the road.
FORTRAN IV: A Model A Ford.
FORTRAN 77: a six-cylinder Ford Fairlane with standard transmission and no seat belts.
COBOL: A delivery van. It’s bulky and ugly but it does the work.
BASIC: A second-hand Rambler with a rebuilt engine and patched upholstery. Your dad bought it for you to learn to drive. You’ll ditch it as soon as you can afford a new one.
PL/I: A Cadillac convertible with automatic transmission, a two-tone paint job, white-wall tires, chrome exhaust pipes, and fuzzy dice hanging in the windshield.
C++: A black Firebird, the all macho car. Comes with optional seatbelt (lint) and optional fuzz buster (escape to assembler).
ALGOL 60: An Austin Mini. Boy that’s a small car.
ALGOL 68: An Aston Martin. An impressive car but not just anyone can drive it.
Pascal: A Volkswagon Beetle. It’s small but sturdy. Was once popular with intellectual types.
LISP: An electric car. It’s simple but slow. Seat belts are not available.
PROLOG/LUCID: Prototype concept cars.
FORTH: A go-cart.
LOGO: A kiddie’s replica of a Rolls Royce. Comes with a real engine and a working horn.
APL: A double-decker bus. It takes rows and columns of passengers to the same place all at the same time but it drives only in reverse and is instrumented in Greek.
Ada: An army-green Mercedes-Benz staff car. Power steering, power brakes, and automatic transmission are standard. No other colors or options are available. If it’s good enough for generals, it’s good enough for you.
Java: All-terrain very slow vehicle.

Infinite loop

A mathematician, a physicist, an engineer, and a programmer were discussing the theorem that all odd numbers are prime.

Mathematician: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is not prime. The theorem is false.

Physicist: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is not, 11 is…. The theorem is true, within experimental error.

Engineer: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, 11 is prime…. The theorem is true.

Programmer: 3 is prime, 3 is prime, 3 is prime….

Drug dealers vs. software developers

Drug dealers:

  • Refer to their clients as “users”.
  • “The first one’s free!”
  • Have important South-East Asian connections (to help move the stuff).
  • Strange jargon: “Stick”, “Rock”, “Dime bag,” “E”.
  • Realize that there’s tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
  • Job is assisted by industry’s producing newer, more potent mixes.
  • Often seen in the company of pimps and hustlers.
  • Their product causes unhealthy addictions.
  • Do your job well, and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you.
  • Software developers:

  • Refer to their clients as “users”.
  • “Download a free trial version…”
  • Have important South-East Asian connections (to help debug the code).
  • Strange jargon: “SCSI”, “ISDN”, “Java”, “RTFM”
  • Realize that there’s tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
  • Job is assisted by industry’s producing newer, faster machines.
  • Often seen in the company of marketing people and venture capitalists.
  • Their product causes unhealthy addictions – DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem 3D.
  • Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!
  • Hot air balloon

    A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”

    The man below says: “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”

    “You must work in Information Technology,” says the balloonist.

    “I do” replies the man. “How did you know?”

    “Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s of no use to anyone.” The man below replies, “You must work in management.”

    “I do” replies the balloonist, “But how’d you know?”

    “Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”

    Computers contrast

    In Computer Heaven:
    The management is from Intel,
    The design and construction is done by Apple,
    The marketing is done by Microsoft,
    IBM provides the support,
    Gateway determines the pricing.

    In Computer Hell:
    The management is from Apple,
    Microsoft does design and construction,
    IBM handles the marketing,
    The support is from Gateway,
    Intel sets the price.

    World’s smartest man

    A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions.

    Suddenly, the pilot ran back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. “There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us,” he announced. “Since I’m the pilot, I get one!” After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

    “I’m the world’s greatest athlete,” proclaimed Michael Jordon. “This world needs great athletes, so I must live.” Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane.

    “I’m the smartest man in the world,” bragged Bill Gates. “The world needs smart men, so I must also live!” Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

    At this point, the Pope began to speak to the Pizza delivery boy. “I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane.”

    “You don’t have to do that, replied the pizza delivery guy. Bill Gates just jumped out with my backpack!”

    7 things that would happen if you were a computer

    • You could add/remove someone in your life using the control panel.
    • You could put your kids in the recycle bin and restore them when you feel like it!
    • You could improve your appearance by adjusting the display settings.
    • You could turn off the speakers when life gets too noisy.
    • You could click on “find” (Ctrl, F) to recover your lost remote control and car keys.
    • To get your daily exercise, just click on “run”!
    • If you mess up your life, you could always press “Ctrl, Alt, Delete” and start all over!

    Talented engineer

    The authorities were leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They asked the priest if he wanted to face up or down when he meets his fate.

    The priest said that he would like to face up so that he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. So, they raise the blade of the guillotine, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.

    The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

    Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.

    So, the authorities release the drunkard as well.

    Next is the engineer. He also decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine when suddenly the engineer shouts, “WAIT!!!… I think the problem is right there where the cable is binding!!!”

    30 signs that technology has taken over your life

    1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty’s address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.

    2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

    3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can’t because there isn’t one typewriter in your house — only computers with laser printers.

    4. You think of the gadgets in your office as “friends,” but you forget to send your father a birthday card.

    5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.

    6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers — and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers’ questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

    7. You use the phrase “digital compression” in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

    8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase “digital compression.” Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don’t have to explain it.

    9. You know Bill Gates’ e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.

    10. You stop saying “phone number” and replace it with “voice number,” since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

    11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.

    12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).

    13. You back up your data every day.

    14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.

    15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

    16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

    17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.

    18. You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot’s phrase “electronic town hall” makes more sense than the term “information superhighway,” but you don’t because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.

    19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.

    20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

    21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it’s okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.

    22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a- quarter-and three-and-a-half-inch sizes.

    23. Al Gore strikes you as an “intriguing” fellow.

    24. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.

    25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.

    26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say “I don’t know” when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

    27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

    28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

    29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better — the track ball or the track *pad*.

    30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don’t use a laptop.

    Poor man’s virus

    VARNING: MinnySoda Compewtr Virus

    Ve haf just sent you da NORVEGIAN VIRUS. Since ve do not haf any programming experience and do not know how to actually demage your computir, dis Virus verks on da honor system. Please forward dis Virus to eferyvone on your mailing list and den manually delete all of da files on your hard drive.

    Tank you for your cooperation,

    Sven and Ole

    Your Relationship With Your Computer

    You know it is time to reassess your relationship with
    your computer when….

    1. You wake up at 4 O’clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and
    stop to check your email on the way back to bed.

    2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if
    you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

    3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just
    for the free internet access.

    4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.

    5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.

    6. You find yourself typing “com” after every period when using a word
    processor.com

    7. You can’t correspond with your mother because she doesn’t have a
    computer.

    8. When your email box shows “no new messages” and you feel really
    depressed.

    9. You don’t know the gender of your three closest friends because they
    have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.

    10. You move into a new house and you decide to “Netscape” before you
    landscape.

    11. Your family always knows where you are.

    12. In real life conversations, you don’t laugh, you just say “LOL, LOL”.

    13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!

    IT Department

    1. When IT say they’re coming right over, log out and go for coffee. It’s no problem for us to remember 700 network passwords.

    2. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children’s art. We don’t have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

    3. When IT send you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once. We’re probably just testing out the public groups.

    4. When an IT professional is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts out and expect him to respond immediately. We exist only to serve and are always ready to think about fixing computers.

    5. When an IT professional is at the water cooler or outside having a smoke, ask him a computer question. The only reason why we drink water or smoke at all is to ferret out all those users who don’t have email or a telephone line.

    6. Send urgent email ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

    7. When you call a helpdesk engineer’s direct line rather than the helpdesk number, press 5 to skip the greeting that says he’s on holiday for a week, record your message, and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an email straight to the director because no one ever returned your call. You’re entitled to common courtesy.

    8. When the photocopier doesn’t work, call computer support. There’s electronics in it, right?

    9. When you’re getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call the helpdesk. We can even fix telephone problems from here.

    10. When something’s wrong with your home PC, dump it on a chair in IT. Leave no name, no phone number, and no description of the problem. We love a good mystery.

    11. When you have a helpdesk engineer on the phone walking you through changing a setting; read the paper. We don’t actually mean for you to DO anything; we just love to hear ourselves talk.

    12. When we offer you training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don’t bother. We’ll be there to hold your hand after it is done.

    13. When the printer won’t print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently just disappear into the cosmos for no reason.

    14. When the printer still won’t print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the office. One of them is bound to work.

    15. Don’t use online help. Online help is for wimps.

    16. If you’re taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go around and update the network drivers for yourself and your co-workers. We’re grateful for the overtime when we have to stay until 2:30am fixing them.

    17. When you have an IT bod fixing your computer at a quarter to one, eat your lunch in his face. We function better when slightly dizzy .

    18. Don’t ever thank us. We love this AND we get paid for it!

    19. When a helpdesk engineer asks you whether you’ve installed any new software on this computer, lie. It’s nobody’s business what you’ve got on your computer.

    20. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 45 lbs. of computer sitting on top of them.

    21. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn’t work, blame it on the network/mail upgrade. Keyboards work much better with half a pound of muffin crumbs, nail clippings, and big sticky drops of Coke under the keys.

    22. When you get the message saying “Are you sure?” click on that ‘Yes’ button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren’t sure, you wouldn’t be doing it, would you?

    23. Feel perfectly free to say things like “I don’t know nothing about that computer crap”. It never bothers us to hear our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.

    24. When you need to change the toner cartridge, call the helpdesk. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master’s degree in nuclear physics.

    25. When something’s the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn’t know anything about the problem.

    26. When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as a high-priority mail attachment. We’ve got plenty of disk space and processor capacity on that mail server.

    27. Don’t even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. God forbid somebody else might get a chance to squeeze into the queue.

    28. When you bump into an IT bod in the supermarket on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We work 24/7, even while at the supermarket on weekends.

    29. If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on the weekends and do his projects on your office computer. We’ll be there for you when his illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes your Access database flip out.

    30. When you bring us your own no-brand home PC to repair for free at the office, tell us how urgently we need to fix it so your son can get back to playing DOOM. We’ll get right on it because we have so much free time at the office.

    Life as a Computer

    If you messed up your life, you could press “Alt, Ctrl, Delete” and start all
    over!

    To get your daily exercise, just click on “run”!

    If you needed a break from life, click on “suspend”.

    Hit “any key” to continue life when ready.

    To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.

    To “add/remove” someone in your life, click settings and control panel.

    To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.

    If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.

    When you lose your car keys, click on “find”.

    “Help” with the chores is just a click away.

    You’d use your diskette to recover from a crash.

    We could click on “send” and the kids would go to bed immediately.

    To feel like a new person, click on “refresh”.

    Click on “close” to shut up the kids and spouse.

    To undo a mistake, click on “back”.

    Is your wardrobe getting old? Click “update”.

    If you don’t like cleaning the litter box, click on “delete”.

    Are You An Engineer?

    * If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE.
    * If your wristwatch has more computing power than a 486DX-50.
    * If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
    * If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes.
    * If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner.
    * If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place.
    * If you look forward to the holidays only to put together the kids’ toys.
    * If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
    * If you window shop at Radio Shack
    * If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies.
    * If you are convinced you can build a phaser out of your garage door opener and your camera’s flash attachment.
    * If you don’t even know where the cover to your personal computer is.
    * If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven.
    * If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.
    * If you own ‘Official Star Trek’ anything.
    * If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project.
    * If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor.
    * If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
    * If you truly believe aliens are living among us.
    * If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
    * If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.
    * If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
    * If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
    * If you have more toys than your kids.
    * If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name.
    * If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.
    * If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight.
    * If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don’t work, and you rush up to the front to fix it.
    * If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary.
    * If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel, and have seen most of the shows already
    * If you can type 70 words a minute but can’t read your own handwriting.
    * If people groan at the party when you pick out the music.
    * If you can’t remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week.
    * If you did the sound system for your senior prom.
    * If your checkbook always balances.
    * If your wrist watch has more buttons than a telephone.
    * If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
    * If you thought the real heroes of Apollo 13 were the mission controllers.
    * If you think that when people around you yawn, it’s because they didn’t get enough sleep.
    * If you spend more on your home computer than your car.
    * If you know what http:/ stands for.
    * If you’ve ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio.
    * If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.
    * If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate (or Chinese, pizza, beer, etc).
    * If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail.
    * If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage.

    Twelve-step Program of Recovery for Web Addicts

    I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

    I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

    I will get dressed before noon.

    I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

    I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.

    I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

    I will read a book… if I still remember how.

    I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

    I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

    I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

    I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

    Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime … and the Web will always be there tomorrow.