Category: College humor

10. Recurring bouts of malaria slow research.
9. Cost of translation from Ancient Sumerian limits
obtainability of important research materials.
8. Can’t remember anything that happened in 1986.
7. Six month sabbatical to train for World Bellyflop
Championships (placed sixth, highest U.S. finisher).
6. I.M. coaching position a lifelong responsibility.
5. Certain I can win with a female gnome paladin.
4. Could type a lot faster on a Dvorak keyboard.
3. Wasted time memorizing UUCP map of the US and
Australia.
2. Thought the major field exam was “just a joke” until too late.

And the Best Reason for Not Yet Graduating:

1. Could have finished years ago, but wanted dissertation to rhyme.

A grad student, a post-doc, and a professor are walking through a city
park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes
out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of
you just one.”

“Me first! Me first!” says the grad student. “I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman who sunbathes
topless.” Poof! He’s gone.

“Me next! Me next!” says the post-doc. “I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a
Mai Tai on the other.” Poof! He’s gone.

“You’re next,” the Genie says to the professor.

The professor says, “I want those guys back in the lab after lunch.”

* In high school, you do homework. In college, you study.

* No food is allowed in the hall in high school. In college, food must be
provided at an event before students will come.

* In high school, you wear your backpack on one shoulder; in college, on
both.

* In college, the professors can tell you the answer without looking at the
teacher’s guide.

* In college, there are no bells or tardy slips.

* In high school, you have to live with your parents. In college, you get to
live with your friends.

* In college, you don’t have to wait in a certain lunch line to be cool.

* Only nerds e-mailed in high school. Cool kids hadn’t heard of it.

* In high school, you’re told what classes to take. In college, you get to
choose; that is, as long as the classes don’t conflict and you have the
prerequisites and the classes aren’t closed and you’ve paid your tuition.

* In high school, if you screw up you can usually sweet-talk your way out of
it. In college, you’re lucky to ever talk with the professor.

* In high school, fire drills are planned by the administration; in college,
by the drunk frat boys on their way home when the bars close.

* In college, any test consists of a larger percentage of your grade than
your high school final exams ever did.

* In high school, when the teacher said, “Good morning,” you mumbled back.
In college, when the professor says, “Good morning,” you write it down.

* In high school, freshman guys hit on senior girls. In college, senior guys
hit on freshman girls.

* In college, weekends start on Thursday.

* In college, it’s much more difficult to figure out the course schedule of
the man/woman you have a crush on, in order to figure out where he/she will
be walking around campus and at what time to find them there.

* Once you’ve obtained the information described in #10, it’s much more
time-consuming to run between classes to that place where you know he/she
will be in order to “just happen to bump into him/her.”

* In college, there’s no one to tell you not to eat pizza three meals a day.

* In college, your dad doesn’t pay for dates.

* In high school, it never took 3 or 4 weeks to get money from Mom and Dad.

* College men are cuter than high school boys.

* College women are legal.

* In college, when you miss a class (or two or three), you don’t need a note
from your parents saying you were skip….uh, sick that day.

* In high school, you can’t go out to lunch because it’s not allowed. In
college, you can’t go out to lunch because you can’t afford it.

That it didn’t matter how late I scheduled my
first class, I’d sleep right through it.

That I could change so much and barely realize
it.

That you can love a lot of people in a lot of
different ways.

That college kids throw airplanes too.

That if you wear polyester everyone will ask you
why you’re so dressed up.

That every clock on campus shows a different time.

That if you were smart in high school–so what?
(really?)

That I would go to a party the night before a
final.

That chem labs require more time than all my
classes put together.

That you can know everything and fail a test.
That you can know nothing and ace a test.

That I could get used to almost anything I found
out about my roommate.

That home is a great place to visit.

That most of my education would be obtained outside
of my classes.

That friendship is more than getting drunk together.

That I would be one of those people my parents
warned me about.

That free food served until 10:00 is gone by 9:50.

That Sunday is a figment of the world’s imagination.

That when someone wants to ‘borrow’ something, they
mean that they want to keep it forever.

That Psychology is really Biology,
That Biology is really Chemistry,
That Chemistry is really Physics,
And Physics is really Math.

That my parents would become so much smarter in the
last few years.

That it’s possible to be alone even when you are
surrounded by friends.

That friends are what makes this place worthwhile!!

Twas the night before finals, And all through the college,
The students were praying For last minute knowledge.
Most were quite sleepy, But none touched their beds,
While visions of essays danced in their heads.

Out in the taverns, A few were still drinking,
And hoping that liquor would loosen up their thinking.
In my own apartment, I had been pacing,
And dreading exams I soon would be facing.

My roommate was speechless, His nose in his books,
And my comments to him Drew unfriendly looks.
I drained all the coffee, And brewed a new pot,
No longer caring That my nerves were shot.

I stared at my notes, But my thoughts were muddy,
My eyes went ablur, I just couldn’t study.
“Some pizza might help,” I said with a shiver,
But each place I called Refused to deliver.

I’d nearly concluded That life was too cruel,
With futures depending on grades had in school.
When all of a sudden, Our door opened wide,
And Patron Saint Put It Off Ambled inside.

Her spirit was careless,
Her manner was mellow,
She started to bellow:

“What kind of student Would make such a fuss,
To toss back at teachers What they tossed at us?”
“On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes! On Last Year’s Exams!
On Wingit and Slingit, And Last Minute Crams!”

Her message delivered, She vanished from sight,
But we heard her laughing Outside in the night.
“Your teachers have pegged you, So just do your best.
Happy Finals to All, And to All, a good test.”

10. You can usually find someone to do it with.

9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place, and pick up where
you left off.

8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.

7. When you open a book, you don’t have to worry about who else has
opened it.

6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.

5. If you don’t finish a chapter, you won’t gain a reputation as a
“book teaser”.

4. You can do it, eat and watch TV all at the same time.

3. You don’t get embarassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.

2. You don’t have to put your beer down to do it

1. If you aren’t sure what you’re doing, you can always ask your
roommate for help!

Dept Of Statistics:
All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

Dept Of Psychology:
Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

Dept Of History:
All students get the same grade they got last year.

Dept Of Religion:
Grade is determined by God.

Dept Of Philosophy:
What is a grade?

English Dept.:
Your final exam will be scored by totaling the weight
of all the books you read this semester:
40+ pounds – A
30 pounds – B
20 pounds – C
10 pounds – D
<10 pounds – F

Law School:
Students are asked to defend their
position of why they should receive an A.

Dept Of Mathematics:
Grades are variable.

Dept. Of Physics:
Grades are relative. but…
All theoretical physics is really mathematics. See Above.

Dept. Of Chemistry:
All theoretical chemistry is really physics. See Above.

Dept. Of Biology:
All theoretical biology is really chemistry. See Above.

Dept Of Logic:
If and only if
the student is present for the final
and
the student has accumulated a passing grade
then
the student will pass the class
else
the student will not pass the class.

Dept. Of Marxist Studies:
The history of all hitherto existing society is the history
of class struggles. Therefore, everyone will now get the
same grade!

Dept. Of Economics:
All of your grades, as a collection, will reach the level where your marginal product (MP) of labor for each individual grade is equal.

Dept. Of Operations & Logistics Management:
Grades will be posted *at* 12:00 Noon. NOT 11:59 — NOT 12:01

Dept Of Computer Science:
Random number generator determines grade, but… YOUR grade is an object in a class of its own.

Music Department:
Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and – would be sharp and flat respectively).

• Vanderbilt: Two–one to call the electrician and one to call daddy to pay the bill 
• Princeton: Two–one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician 
• Brown: Eleven–one to change the lightbulb and ten to share the experience 
• Dartmouth: None–Hanover doesn’t have electricity 
• Cornell: Two–One to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure 
• Penn: Only one, but he gets six credits for it 
• Columbia: Seventy-six– one to change the lightbulb, fifty to protest the lightbulb’s right to not change, and twenty-five to hold a counter protest 
• Yale: None–New Haven looks better in the dark 
• Harvard: One–he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him 
• MIT: Five–one to design a nuclear powered one that never needs changing, one to figure out how to power the rest of Boston using that nuked lightbulb two to install it, and one to write the computer program that controls the wall switch 
• Vassar: Eleven–one to screw it and ten to support its sexual orientation 
• Middlebury: Five–One to change the lightbulb and four to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion Stanford: One, dude 
• Oberlin: Three–one to change it and two to figure out how to get high off the old one 
• Georgetown: Four–one to change it, one to call Congress about their  progress, and two to throw the old bulb at the American U. students
• Duke: A whole frat–but only one of them is sober enough to get the bulb out of the socket 
• Williams: The whole student body–when you’re snowed in, there’s nothing else to do 
• Tufts: Two–one to change the bulb and the other to say loudly how he did it as well as an Ivy League student 
• University of New Hampshire, Durham: Four–one to walk to the general  store and have them order a lightbulb from Concord, one to pick it up in 6-8 weeks, one to screw it in, and one to go to his class and sleep for him while he is doing it 
• Sarah Lawrence: Five–one to change the bulb and four to do an interpretive dance about it 
• Swarthmore: Eight–it’s not that one isn’t smart enough to do it, it’s just that they’re all violently twitching from too much stress 
• Boston University: Three–one to change the bulb and two to check his math homework 
• Wesleyan: Wesleyan’s boycotting GE… you know,military-industrial complex and all that 
• Connecticut College: Two–one to change the bulb and one to complain about how if they were at a better school the light bulb wouldn’t go out 
• Virginia: Thirteen–Ten to form student committee to vote on whether changing light bulbs is a violation of the Honor Code, one to change the bulb, one to hold the keg the he’s standing on, and another to attribute electricity to Mr.Jefferson. 
• Bowdoin: Three–one to ski down to the general store and buy the bulb,one to take the chairlift back to school, and one to screw it in 
• Boston College: Seven–one to change the light bulb and six to throw a party because he didn’t screw it in upside down this time 
• Santa Clara University: One–but you would never know about it because only Cal and Stanford gets press for changing their lightbulbs 
• West Virginia University: Light bulb? Whats a light bulb….? We don’t have those in West Virginia. We use coal oil lamps.

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?