Discipline

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times.

When he could do work at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class raised it’s level of unruliness.

Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.

Pizza Delivery Boy

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Larry Johnson. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Larry asked: “What is the usual tip?”

“Well,” replied the youth, “this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I’ll be doing great.” “Is that so?” snorted Larry. “Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here’s five dollars.”

“Thanks,” replied the youth, “I’ll put this in my school fund.”

“What are you studying in school?” asked Larry.

The lad smiled and said: “Applied psychology.”

Things You Only Learn From College

1. Quarters are like gold.

2. Be creative in the dining hall.

3. Flipflops become as important as soap, shampoo, etc.

4. You will never find so many excuses for a bucket.

5. Asleep by 2:30 am is an early night.

6. New additions to the food groups: Mountain Dew, Doritos, Ben & Jerry’s, Ho-Hos and Oreos

7. Make sure your alarm clock has back-up batteries.

8. Duct tape heals all wounds. (If not, scotch or masking tape will suffice for awhile.)

9. Showers become less important.

10. Sleep becomes more important.

11. Two meals a day are standard. One for some!

12. Recycling becomes synonomous with laundry (“Oh, my jeans can last until Christmas…there’s only a *little* bit of mud on them…”).

13. You can never make too many meals in a hot pot (or pizelle maker).

14. 10 minutes is more than enough time to get ready for your first class (not that this is anything really new).

15. Going to the mailbox was never an ego booster/breaker before.

16. It takes more than one person to carry your laundry, books, trash, or alcohol.

17. If the lecture hall is big enough, get someone else’s notes.

18. You begin to nap again (also not new).

19. Your bill in the bookstore will almost equal tuition.

20. Isn’t it amazing that the book your professor wrote is always required for his class?

21. Labs used to be fun.

22. T.A. used to stand for teaching assistant, now, for terribly articulated.

23. Squirt guns equal stress relief.

24. E-mail becomes your second language.

25. Frat parties are exactly like they are in the movies.

26. Ten-page papers used to sound impossible, now they’re a Godsend.

27. You never realized so many people are smarter than you.

28. You never realized so many people are dumber than you.

29. Professors are like celebrities: you see them, but they never see you.

30. Western Europe could be wiped out by a horrible plague and you’d never know, but you could recite last week’s episode of “Friends” verbatim.

31. See every movie under $3 that your campus provides; it’s actually proportional to the amount of money you have.

32. Roadtrip whenever possible.

33. Pick up all new lingo.

34. Bum rides, money, notes and snacks as much as you can get them.

35. Don’t burn bridges, especially if he’s good in Biology.

36. Plain pasta never constituted a complete meal before.

37. The health service attendants are there because they couldn’t make it in a real hospital, never ever forget that.

38. Forget putting the toilet seat down,you just pray that they flush.

39. Frisbee becomes a contact sport.

40. Care packages rank up there with birthdays.

41. College girls are the same as high school girls, just with more freedom…and no curfew.

42. It was never this bad when you got sick.

43. Pop a vitamin and breakfast is covered.

44. Learn to love your roommate, especially when he leaves you the room.

45. You always thought that worshipping the porcelain god was just an expression…it’s not!

46. You’ll learn more about male genetalia than you ever thought necessary, guys talk more about that than women and sex put together.

47. Beware the freshman 15, or in some cases, the freshman cup size.

48. Even though the beds are long, they are also extra narrow.

49. Things that were a huge deal in high school are now commonplace.

50. You never thought you would share so much about yourself with people you have known for such a short time.

51. Computer games go in and out faster than the latest fashions.

52. Any game can be made into a drinking game.

53. Disney movies are more than just classics.

54. Find one thing you like in the dining hall and go with it.

55. You will hear more stupid nicknames than you ever thought possible.

56. Phone calls almost never happen and when they do, you just don’t get the messages.

57. Cereal makes a meal any time of day.

58. Keep your high school term papers; nowadays, everything is recycled.

59. ATMs are the devil’s advocate.

60. Beware the boy in the Care Bear toga.

61. You almost forget how to drive.

62. You’ll drink anything if it’s free..

63. People still cheat, it’s just more technologically advanced.

64. You get really good with excuses for skipping class.

65. The girl you’re going to marry may live right next door, so keep your stereo down.

66. Ordering food at 1 am is a common occurance.

67. You never realized how cool you can be.

68. TV becomes a bigger time sucker than ever before.

69. You realize how great your hell summer job was once you get to work study.

70. Keys have never been so important, yet you seem to lose them more than ever before.

71. You meet the type of people you only thought existed in the movies.

72. You learn to sleep with light, noise, extreme temps, and roommates snoring.

73. You don’t have to cover your textbooks anymore.

74. You become a juggler with the balance between school, friends, girls, activities, work, parties…

75. You live for chicken finger day at the cafeteria.

76. People that were geeks in high school seem okay now.

77. You begin to realize that college is about the ideal lifestyle, except for those pesky classes.

78. You get good at rationalizing on whether to do homework or not (usually not).

79. Procrastination becomes an art.

80. Jeans may be worn as many times as the wearer desires (for example, see # 12).

81. The only reason you ever dress up is when everything else is dirty.

82. Your parents start to tell you stories about their college days.

83. With all the wealth of knowledge around you, you start to feel like you’re on intellectual welfare.

84. Going to the mini-mart is a major treat.

85. Amount of alcohol consumed is directly proportional to grade point average.

86. You have two kinds of shoes: everyday shoes and party shoes.

87. Classes: the later the better.

88. The cute girls actually talk to you now.

89. Care packages make it all worthwhile.

90. The longer you’re there, the less you talk about home.

91. Always wear your safety goggles, they’re not kidding.

92. You just don’t learn last names.

93. Your teachers just went from Mr. and Mrs. to Prof.

94. That calculator Tetris and Duck Hunt come into play even more than in high school Physics class.

95. Card games never lasted for hours before.

96. Vacuuming happens every semester, if you get around to it.

97. Boys will dance in college.

98. People who never talked to you in high school are now your best friends when you come home.

99. You are never alone.

100. You find out what beer sludge is.

101. It’s amazing how late you can stay up doing absolutely nothing, yet falling asleep in class or in the library takes an average of two seconds.

102. You spend a ridiculous amount of time pondering the mystery of whether the cafeteria Lucky Charms are the real thing.

103. People magazine is your deep philosophical reading material.

104. You begin to subdivide your room into sections such as den, library, etc. to make it sound like a house.

105. All you have to do to make new friends is have mom send up some cookies.

106. You never realized how quiet your house was.

107. Dishes aren’t dirty enough to wash until they have bugs and/or mold in them.

108. Printers only break down when you desperately need them.

109. You get along so much better with your family now that you never see any of them.

110. Your life will never be the same again.

Rules For Apartment living

1. If someone calls while you are on the phone, do not answer the call waiting signals, after all your conversation to your boyfriend’s, cousin’s, sister’s, ex-best friend’s, father-in-law’s, stepson is probably too important to be interrupted.

2. Of course there is no need to record any messages on a piece of paper.

a. you would have to actually walk towards the kitchen to get to the pad of paper which requires that you write down a name and check off a few boxes

b. but more importantly, all roommates have mental telepathy and are aware that if you tell the party on the phone that he/she will be called back at the callee’s first free moment, the callee will telepathically be aware of this

3. Don’t buy anything for the apartment, use and abuse other roommates items until they are destroyed and wait for them to buy a new one (case example: the spatula).

4. Feel free to leave any and all dirty dishes wherever you please, certainly one of your roommates has taken classes in house-cleaning 101 and will clean up after you. Just because you are big enough to make a mess shouldn’t obligate you to be big enough to clean it up.

5. If you wake up at 6:45 am and need to take a shower, be sure to lock the bathroom door! Your roommates should be able and considerate enough to drive to the nearest gas station to use the toilet. Also, make sure that you take a 40 minute shower–it really stinks when a roommate leaves for work early and you have to take the bus.

6. Leave all electrical appliances, especially the lights on at all times–we are paying for the apartment, and there is no need to conserve energy–let other less important people do that.

7. If you need to use the phone late at night and it is in your roommates room, be sure to wake them up when you go to remove it. It’s important that they know you are going to make a phone call to your dog!

8. Make sure that when you answer the phone you are as rude as possible to whoever is calling so that they won’t call back and bother you again–how dare they interrupt whatever it is that you are not doing!

9. Never, ever, ever, ever empty the trash–if your roommate won’t do it, just let the apartment stink. You were not born a garbage man, so why lower yourself to that level especially when you are a princess?

10. If your roommate has a car and drives to work, feel free to ride with her, but don’t bother to offer her any money for gas. This is the 90’s and gas is free for all Summer Interns.

11. Make sure that you leave as much hair as possible on the bathroom sinks and in the shower. Don’t clean out your brush over the trash can, of course your roommates want to look at pieces of your broken hair each and everytime they go to the bathroom.

12. Don’t ever throw out any of your food that may be moldy because it was buried behind all the stuff that is piled in the refrigerator. Mold is a beautiful thing and everyone likes to watch it develop through its stages.

13. Feel free to eat any food that is located in the kitchen. Whether it be in your cabinet or not, it is free for the taking. Even if its not open, your roommates shop for the entire apartment, not themselves. Oh, and if your roommate questions you about missing food, pretend you know nothing about it–you can always blame it on the cookie monster.

14. If one of your roommates has fish, and she doesn’t ask you to feed them when she leaves town–then don’t bother wasting your time feeding them. They’re only fish, and they probably won’t need to eat anyway.

15. If you feel like listening to some music and you don’t have a cd player or stereo, simply remove your roommate’s from her room. She won’t mind if you leave it, or any of her cd’s, on the floor. After all, if it is not yours, why should you have to put it away??!!??

16. Make some soup whenever you want, and be sure to leave it in your roommates pot in the refrigerator for a week or two, if need be. She probably doesn’t want to use her pot anyway.

17. If your roommate buys a 12 pack of chicken legs and you feel like cooking for someone else–you should definitely take your roommates chicken and cook it. Oh, and be sure that you tell the dinner guest that it is your food.

18. If a neighbor (of course a friendly one) comes over and wants some spaghetti sauce and you don’t have any to give them, feel free to go into a roommates cabinet and give away theirs. They can always go to the grocery store and buy some more for themselves. Oh, and don’t tell them that you’ve given it away either until the ever so friendly neigbor brings back a few drops of it and thanks you for giving it to them.

19. If your roommate is kind enough to take you to New York with her because she knows that you have never been there, be sure to do the following:

a. insult your roommate’s friend who shows the 2 of you around the city

b. don’t say thank you for anything and act as bored as possible

c. be sure to tell everyone you see when you get back what a rotten time that you had.

Funeral

One of my students could not take my college seminar final exam because of a funeral.

“No problem,” I told him. “Make it up the following week.” That week came,and again he couldn’t take the test due to another funeral.

“You’ll have to take the test early next week,” I insisted. “I can’t keep postponing it.”

“I’ll take the test next week if no one dies,” he told me.

By now I was suspicious. “How can you have so many people you know pass away in three weeks?” I asked.

“I don’t know any of these people,” he said. “But I’m the only gravedigger in town.”

Stay Out Of The Dorms!

 On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.

“The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $25 the first time.”

He continued, “Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $50. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $100. Are there any questions?”

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:

“How much for a season pass?”

Worst analogies from high school essays

  • He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
  • She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
  • The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
  • McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
  • From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and “Jeopardy” comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
    Roy Ashley, Washington
  • Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
  • Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
  • Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.comaaakk/ch@ung but gets T:flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake
  • Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
  • He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
    Jack Bross, Chevy Chase
  • The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
  • Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like “Second Tall Man.”
  • Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
  • The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
  • They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth
  • John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
  • The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
  • His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free
  • The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

MIT Course Evaluation

1. “Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room.”

2. “He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high.”

3. “In class, the syllabus is more important than you are.”

4. “Help! I’ve fallen asleep and I can’t wake up!”

5. “Text makes a satisfying ‘thud’ when dropped on the floor.”

6. “The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree.”

7. “His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame”

8. “Textbook is confusing…someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it.”

9. “Have you ever fallen asleep in class and awoke in another? That’s the way I felt all term.”

10. “This class was a religious experience for me…I had to take it all on faith.”

11. “The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him.”

12. “Problems sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material.”

13. “Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was, where I was, and what I was doing–It’s a great stress reliever.”

14. “He is one of the best teachers I have had…He is well-organized, presents good lectures, and creates interest in the subject. I hope my comments don’t hurt his chances of getting tenure.”

15. “I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels. They’ve got a cool nest in the tree.”

16. “The absolute value of the TA was less than epsilon.”

17. “TA steadily improved throughout the course…I think he started drinking and it really loosened him up.”

18. “Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose–spraying in all directions–no way to stop it.”

19. “I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin tapes that I used while doing the problem sets”

20. “What’s the quality of the text? ‘Text is printed on high quality paper.’

21. “The course was very thorough. What wasn’t covered in class was covered on the final exam.”

Professor’s Definition of a Kiss

Professors of different subjects define the same word in different ways:

Prof. of Computer Science:
A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.

Prof. of Algebra:
A kiss is two divided by nothing.

Prof. of Geometry:
A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.

Prof. of Physics:
A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.

Prof. of Chemistry:
A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.

Prof. of Zoology:
A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.

Prof. of Physiology:
A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicular ors muscles in the state of contraction.

Prof. of Dentistry:
A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.

Prof. of Accountancy:
A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.

Prof. of Economics:
A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.

Prof. of Statistics:
A kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.

Prof. of Philosophy:
A kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.

Prof. of English:
A kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.

Prof. of Engineering:
Uh, What? I’m not familiar with that term.

Things I Learned in College

– That it didn’t matter how late I scheduled my first class; I’d sleep right through it.

– That I could change so much and barely realize it.

– That college kids throw airplanes too.

– That if you wear polyester everyone will ask you, “Why are you so dressed up?”

– That every clock on campus shows a different time.

– That if you were smart in high school–so what?

– That I would go to a party the night before a final.

– That Chem labs require more time than all my classes put together.

– That you can know everything and fail a test.

– That you can know nothing and ace a test.

– That I could get used to almost anything I found out about my roommate.

– That MOST of my education would be obtained outside of my classes.

– That I would be one of those people my parents warned me about.

– That free food served until 10:00 is gone by 9:50.

– That Sunday is a figment of the world’s imagination.

– That Psychology is really Biology, and that Biology is really Chemistry,

– That Chemistry is really Physics, and Physics is really Math.