Grading Techniques

Here is a list of the ways professors grade their final exams:

DEPT OF STATISTICS:
All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY:
Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

DEPT OF HISTORY:
All students get the same grade they got last year.

DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY:
What is a grade?

DEPT OF MATHEMATICS:
Grades are variable.

DEPT OF LOGIC:
If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.

DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE:
Random number generator determines grade.

MUSIC DEPARTMENT:
Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and – would be sharp and flat respectively).

LAW SCHOOL:
Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.

The Homework Schedule

Here is an explanation of the school homework policy for the average student. Students should not spend more than ninety minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner if the student desires to achieve moderate to good grades in his/her classes.

15 minutes looking for assignment.

11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.

23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children.

8 minutes in the bathroom.

10 minutes getting a snack.

7 minutes checking the TV Guide.

6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment.

10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment

The Top Ten Lies Told by Graduate Students

10. It doesn’t bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80,000 a year on Wall Street.

9. I’d be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article.

8. My work has a lot of practical importance.

7. I wouldn’t never date an undergraduate.

6. Your latest article was so inspiring.

5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.

4. I just have on more book to read and then I’ll start writing.

3. The department is giving me so much support.

2. My job prospects look really good.

1. No really, I’ll be out of here in only two more years

You know you’re in college when

  1. High school started before 8am, but now anything before noon is considered “early”.
  2. You have more beer than food in your fridge.
  3. Weekends start on Thursday.
  4. 6am is when you go to sleep, not when you wake up.
  5. You know many different ways to cook ramen noodles or macaroni and cheese.
  6. The health center gives out free condoms, and people take them… just in case.
  7. Instead of falling asleep in class, you stay in bed.
  8. You know how late McDonald’s, Taco Bell, Qdoba, etc. are open.
  9. You think it’s the weekend on a Wednesday and you don’t know what month it is.
  10. You can’t remember the last time you washed your car.
  11. Your underwear/sock supply dictates your laundry schedule.
  12. You check Facebook more than once a day.
  13. You get drunk dialed on any night of the week.
  14. You wash dishes in the bathroom sink.
  15. You’ve fallen off a loft bed.
  16. You talk about beer pong like it’s a sport.
  17. Finding random people in your house is perfectly normal, and you even sympathize with them… sometimes when you wake up you have no idea where you are.
  18. Your primary news sources are the Daily Show and the Colbert Report.
  19. You open a beer at 10 am and your roommate asks you if there’s more.
  20. The standard of meals per day falls to two, sometimes just one.
  21. Your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn’t.
  22. You go to Target or Wal-Mart more than 3 times a week.
  23. You wear the same jeans for 13 days without washing them.
  24. Your breakfast consists of a coke or cereal bar on the way to class… anything with caffeine will do.
  25. Quarters are like gold.
  26. Your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some ramen noodles.
  27. You live in a house with three couches, none of which match.
  28. You try to study but seem to procrastinate by eating, going to study breaks, talking to people, etc…
  29. You talk to your roommate on instant messenger when you’re both home.
  30. You ask people what YOU did last night.
  31. Certain things are now deemed “Facebook worthy.” When friends take pictures of you, you wonder how long it will take them to post them.
  32. You’ve seen a hit and run involving a bicyclist/pedestrian.
  33. You see people you know you’ve met but can never remember their names or how you know them.
  34. You sleep more in class than in your room
  35. Your idea of a square meal is a box of Pop-Tarts.
  36. You’ve traveled with bags of dirty clothes.
  37. You go home to do your laundry because you’re too poor to pay the $2… or too lazy to go to a change machine.
  38. You pay $100 for a book you don’t read once, return it four months later, and get $7.
  39. More than 20% of your household furnishings are made from milk crates.
  40. You recognize the meat in the dorm soup as yesterday’s meatloaf, and thus decide to eat a nice bowl of cereal – a safe bet for any meal.
  41. You use words like “thus” (see #40).
  42. You throw out bowls and plates because you don’t feel like washing them.
  43. Your beer pong table is nicer than all your other tables.
  44. It takes preparation… and 3 people… to take out your garbage.
  45. Going to the library is a social event.
  46. You wear flip flops in the shower your freshman year… you know why.
  47. You start joining clubs because of the free food.
  48. Visits home depend on how much money you have for gas.
  49. You skip one class to write a paper for another.
  50. You have no idea where your tuition money is going… technology fees? I think not.
  51. Bicycles don’t seem as lame as they did in high school.
  52. You stay up late to finish homework then sleep through the class in which it was due.
  53. Girls: You’ve balanced your foot on a shampoo bottle to shave.
  54. Your backpack is giving you scoliosis.
  55. You’ve written a check for 45 cents or stopped to get $2.00 of gas.
  56. Your bill in the bookstore will be comparable to tuition.
  57. Going to the mailbox becomes an ego booster/breaker.
  58. Most of your T.A.’s are foreign…what’s the deal?
  59. You never realized so many people are smarter than you.
  60. You never realized so many people are dumber than you.
  61. Western Europe could be wiped out by a terrible plague and you’d never know, but you can recite the last episode of your favorite show verbatim.
  62. Care packages rank right up there with birthdays.
  63. You craft ways to make any game into a drinking/stripping game.
  64. You meet the type of people you thought only existed in movies.
  65. Printers break down only when you desperately need them.
  66. Anything can be cooked in a microwave.
  67. Two words: bike cops.
  68. You have Safe Ride programmed into your phone.
  69. Old school Nintendo… and guitar hero… are pretty much the best things ever.
  70. Going to the grocery at midnight is completely normal.
  71. You call restaurants that deliver more than you call your own family.
  72. You’ve paid bills over $5… in coins.
  73. You can’t imagine life without your computer/cell phone/ i-pod.
  74. Hoodies and sweatpants become the norm – jeans are considered “dressy” at certain occasions… like school.
  75. A canceled class is almost as exciting as Christmas.
  76. Taking a nap in the library is perfectly acceptable.
  77. Your professors speak English… as a second language.
  78. Your teachers swear in class and no one cares.
  79. Candles in your dorm room are considered contraband, but cigarettes are ok.
  80. You take condiment packets and napkins from fast food restaurants – hey, they’re free.
  81. Betta fish are like your family.
  82. You bring back socks from the laundry room that may or may not be yours.
  83. You know what people carrying suspiciously heavy backpacks after dark are doing…
  84. The elevators take forever but you’ll wait 10 minutes just so you don’t have to climb stairs.
  85. Your roommate asks you to check the weather on your computer when they’re standing 5 feet away from the door.
  86. Showers become more of an issue.
  87. You press the automatic door opener instead of simply grabbing the handle when you approach a door.
  88. Christmas lights seem to be acceptable all year round.
  89. *89. Class size doubles on exam days.

  90. You donate plasma even though you know it’s pretty sketchy.
  91. You are no longer thankful that fire alarms are here to protect you.
  92. You’ve bought Christmas presents from the book store and charged it to your student account so your parents pay for the gifts because you’re too broke.
  93. You begin to include ketchup on your list of acceptable vegetables.
  94. You stay on campus for hours in between classes when it’s too cold to walk home.
  95. People have to help you kick the vending machine just so you can get your 50 cent bag of chips.
  96. There’s always a “question kid” in at least one of your classes, and you really wish someone would just tell him/her to shut the hell up.
  97. You steal dishes from the cafeteria so you don’t have to wash your own.
  98. Laundry is an all-day event.
  99. You no longer find it uncool to take naps. In fact, you quite enjoy them.
  100. It’s illegal to drink in the dorms yet they sell an assortment of shot glasses, beer mugs, tankards, etc. in the bookstore.
  101. You find your list of acceptable napping places expanding daily to increasingly uncomfortable locations.
  102. You fill out credit card applications for the free food.
  103. You’ve eaten cereal out of a cup… with a fork.
  104. Dressing up for Halloween becomes cool again.
  105. You know at least one person who has dropped his/her cell phone into a toilet.
  106. You hang multiple shirts on the same hanger to save space/money.
  107. You become increasingly annoyed with the “old” people in class – props to them for going back to college but they generally ask really, really annoying questions.
  108. You admire people’s alcohol bottle shrines.
  109. You set your clock 5-10 minutes ahead so you can potentially make it to class on time.
  110. You check ratemyprofessor.com (or something of the like) before choosing your class schedule.
  111. You text faster than you type.
  112. You only find out a class is cancelled after you get there and sit for about ten minutes.
  113. You actually start using coupons, especially those school coupon books.
  114. You open canned food and eat it… out of the can.
  115. You run out of black ink and, instead of buying a new ink cartridge, decide blue is a nice substitute… adds a little flair.
  116. You have numbers in your phone with labels like “Sketchy Steve” and “Alcohol Guy.”
  117. The food in your fridge may or may not be older than your little brother.
  118. You finish reading this and wonder how you can procrastinate next.

50 Fun Things to Do at an Exam

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say “oh geez, better get cracking” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming “Andre, Andre, I’ve got the secret documents!!”
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor’s left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, “I’m SOOO sure you can hear me thinking.” Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, “I don’t understand ANY of this. I’ve been to every lecture all semester long! What’s the deal? And who the hell are you? Where’s the regular guy?”
8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc…). Play with the volume at max level.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say “They’ve found me, I have to leave the country” and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out “Merry Christmas.” If you’re really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing a pair of birkenstocks, and nothing else.
15. Come down with a BAD case of Tourette’s Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don’t know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he’s not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB, BABE, etc..).
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out “Screw this!” and walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone’s done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink).
26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, “the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!”
28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling “I’m here, the phantom of the opera” until they drag you away.
30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say “you don’t really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!”
32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor’s requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations.
36. Come in wearing a full knight’s outfit, complete with sword and shield.
37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
38. Bring cheat sheets FROM ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious… like history notes for a calculus exam… otherwise you’re not just failing, you’re getting kicked out, too) and staple them to the exam with the comment “Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit.”
39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
41. One word: Wrestlemania.
42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc… sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks,
chairs, anything you can reach.
48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say “it helps me think.” Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don’t forget to use the phrase “Told you so”.
50. Answer the exam with the “Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks”.

Flat Tire

Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. However, they decided to party instead. So, when they went to the test, they decided to tell the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study.

The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything.

Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to separate classrooms to take the exam. Each shrugged and went to two different parts of the building. As each sat down, they read the first question.

“For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom.”

At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease.

Then, the test continued… “For 95 points, tell me which tire it was.”