How many college students does it take to change a light bulb?

  • Vanderbilt: Two–one to call the electrician and one to call daddy to pay the bill 
  • Princeton: Two–one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician 
  • Brown: Eleven–one to change the lightbulb and ten to share the experience 
  • Dartmouth: None–Hanover doesn’t have electricity 
  • Cornell: Two–One to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure 
  • Penn: Only one, but he gets six credits for it 
  • Columbia: Seventy-six– one to change the lightbulb, fifty to protest the lightbulb’s right to not change, and twenty-five to hold a counter protest 
  • Yale: None–New Haven looks better in the dark 
  • Harvard: One–he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him 
  • MIT: Five–one to design a nuclear powered one that never needs changing, one to figure out how to power the rest of Boston using that nuked lightbulb two to install it, and one to write the computer program that controls the wall switch 
  • Vassar: Eleven–one to screw it and ten to support its sexual orientation 
  • Middlebury: Five–One to change the lightbulb and four to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion Stanford: One, dude 
  • Oberlin: Three–one to change it and two to figure out how to get high off the old one 
  • Georgetown: Four–one to change it, one to call Congress about their  progress, and two to throw the old bulb at the American U. students
  • Duke: A whole frat–but only one of them is sober enough to get the bulb out of the socket 
  • Williams: The whole student body–when you’re snowed in, there’s nothing else to do 
  • Tufts: Two–one to change the bulb and the other to say loudly how he did it as well as an Ivy League student 
  • University of New Hampshire, Durham: Four–one to walk to the general  store and have them order a lightbulb from Concord, one to pick it up in 6-8 weeks, one to screw it in, and one to go to his class and sleep for him while he is doing it 
  • Sarah Lawrence: Five–one to change the bulb and four to do an interpretive dance about it 
  • Swarthmore: Eight–it’s not that one isn’t smart enough to do it, it’s just that they’re all violently twitching from too much stress 
  • Boston University: Three–one to change the bulb and two to check his math homework 
  • Wesleyan: Wesleyan’s boycotting GE… you know,military-industrial complex and all that 
  • Connecticut College: Two–one to change the bulb and one to complain about how if they were at a better school the light bulb wouldn’t go out 
  • Virginia: Thirteen–Ten to form student committee to vote on whether changing light bulbs is a violation of the Honor Code, one to change the bulb, one to hold the keg the he’s standing on, and another to attribute electricity to Mr.Jefferson. 
  • Bowdoin: Three–one to ski down to the general store and buy the bulb,one to take the chairlift back to school, and one to screw it in 
  • Boston College: Seven–one to change the light bulb and six to throw a party because he didn’t screw it in upside down this time 
  • Santa Clara University: One–but you would never know about it because only Cal and Stanford gets press for changing their lightbulbs 
  • West Virginia University: Light bulb? Whats a light bulb….? We don’t have those in West Virginia. We use coal oil lamps.

Why is English so hard?

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Easiest Quiz

Questions

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI’s first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) How long did the Thirty Years War last?

Аnswers

1) 116 years. From 1337 to 1453
2) Ecuador.
3) From sheep and horses.
4) November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
5) Squirrel fur.
6) The Latin name was Insularia Canaria — Island of the Dogs.
7) Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936, he respected the wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert.
8) Distinctively crimson.
9) New Zealand
10) Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648.

The Universal Explainer

by Jay Scott and Elliott Moreton.

You can now explain anything to anyone.

* reasons that something is the case
o It’s a trivial corollary of Tychonoff’s Theorem.
o It’s one of those non-hierarchical dynamic facilitation effects.
o It fits the theory better.
o Sister Mary Ignatius said so.
o That’s the natural order of things.
o By assumption.
o By definition.
o By induction.
o It’s epistemologically prior.
o Quantum effects.
* reasons that something seems to be the case, but isn’t
o It’s just a social construct.
o It’s all in the mind.
o Of course, that’s only if you believe in the axiom of choice.
o It’s just a trick of perspective.
* reasons that something was done
o It’s an election year.
o It’s in the contract.
o The court ordered it.
o For economies of scale.
o It’s good PR.
o Precedent.
o Popular sentiment.
o To maintain the dominance of the patriarchy.
o Their parents made them do it.
o It’s a stylistic convention.
o They’re only following orders.
o They did it for Jodie Foster.
* reasons something should be done
o The Russians are doing it, so we’d better do it too.
o The Russians are doing it, so we’d better not do it.
o It’ll look good on TV (or, on your resume).
* reasons that something is not so good
o They ran out of money halfway through.
o I guess they must just notta been thinkin’.
o The workers were alienated and marginalized.
o The alumni made them do it.
o EPA regulations.
o It’s a union work rule.
o It’s cultural inertia.
o Internal friction.
o Well, they’re still on the Julian calendar.
* reasons for the existence of something
o That’s just for the tourists (or, voters).
o It’s an IBM compatibility feature.
o It was tax deductible.
o That’s an artifact of the process.
o Interest rates were lower back then.
o Must be some religion.
* reasons to believe somebody
o Trust me, I’m a native speaker.
o Trust me, I majored in that.
o It’s my professional judgment.
* reasons why you can’t explain
o It would make sense if you understood Hegel.
o We’ll cover that in 402.
o I’d have to see the source code to answer that.
o It’s beyond the scope of this paper.
* other reasons
o Yeah, but that’s different!
o They were fleeing religious persecution.
o Just look at the unit circle.
o Well, they’re isomorphic.
o The speed of light is finite.

You can find lots of explanations for the same thing! Cross categories creatively!

* Why is the sky blue?
o It’s an IBM compatibility feature.
* Why don’t my friends write back to me?
o They ran out of money halfway through.
o To maintain the dominance of the patriarchy.
* Why are computer chips so cheap?
o Well, they’re isomorphic.
o It would make sense if you understood Hegel.

Actual excuse notes written by parents

These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by Nisheeth Parekh, University Texas Medical Branch @ Galveston…

My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31,32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the shits. [words were crossed out in the ( )’s]

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.