50 Homer Simpson jokes

  1. Operator! Give me the number for 911!
  2. Oh, so they have internet on computers now!
  3. Bart, with $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!
  4. Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.
  5. I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman.
  6. Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.
  7. Well, it’s 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.
  8. Maybe, just once, someone will call me ‘Sir’ without adding, ‘You’re making a scene.’
  9. Marge, don’t discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.
  10. Doughnuts. Is there anything they can’t do?
  11. You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
  12. Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.
  13. When will I learn? The answer to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!
  14. Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.
  15. I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes!
  16. [Meeting Aliens] Please don’t eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
  17. What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
  18. Marge, you’re as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
  19. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
  20. The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it’s time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!
  21. When I look at the smiles on all the children’s faces, I just know they’re about to jab me with something.
  22. I’m having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!
  23. Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn’t, it’s that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.
  24. I’m not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I’m going to Hell?
  25. Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you’re prejudiced against all races.
  26. It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
  27. Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
  28. I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.
  29. Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.
  30. Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman’s bottom? That’s right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman.
  31. Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
  32. How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
  33. Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.
  34. Homer no function beer well without.
  35. I’ve always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is — and it’s me.
  36. Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?
  37. If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can’t speak English.
  38. I’m never going to be disabled. I’m sick of being so healthy.
  39. I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.
  40. [Looking at a globe map…country being Uruguay] Hee hee! Look at this country! ‘You-are-gay.’
  41. All my life I’ve had one dream, to achieve my many goals.
  42. Dad, you’ve done a lot of great things, but you’re a very old man, and old people are useless.
  43. But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.
  44. I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.
  45. Dear Lord.. The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here’s the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won’t ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal.
  46. That’s it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I’m going to clown college!
  47. Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.
  48. If something’s hard to do, then it’s not worth doing
  49. I’m in no condition to drive…wait! I shouldn’t listen to myself, I’m drunk!
  50. ‘To Start Press Any Key’. Where’s the ANY key?

Famous quotes by Homer Simpson

  • “Let us all bask in television’s warm glowing warming glow.”
  • “Beer. Now there’s a temporary solution.”
  • “And Lord, we are especially thankful for nuclear power,
    the cleanest, safest energy source there is. Except for solar, which
    is just a pipe dream.”  
  • “Because sometimes the only way you can feel good Simpsons
    brain about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I’m
    tired of making other people feel good about themselves!”
  • “Ah, good ol’ trustworthy beer. My love for you will never
    die.”
  • “I want to share something with you: The three little sentences
    that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2:
    Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.”
  • “Quiet you kids. If I hear one more word, Bart doesn’t get
    to watch cartoons, and Lisa doesn’t get to go to college.”
  • “Don’t you ever, EVER talk that way about television.”
  • “Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong.
    Even though they say it’s okay in the bible.”
  • “No matter how good you are at something, there’s always
    about a million people better than you.”
  • “Marge, there’s an empty spot I’ve always had inside me.
    I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but
    those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer.”
  • “I’m not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So
    why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I’m going to
    Hell?”
  • “When it comes to compliments, women are ravenous blood-sucking
    monsters always want’n more… more… MORE! And if you give it
    to them, you’ll get plenty back in return.”
  • “If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who
    can’t speak English.”
  • “Kids, kids. I’m not going to die. That only happens to bad
    people.”
  • “Marge, I’m going to miss you so much. And it’s not just
    the sex. It’s also the food preparation.”
  • “Ah, TV respects me. It laughs with me, not at me!”
  • “Marge, I agree with you — in theory. In theory, communism
    works. Intheory.”
  • “You think I don’t want to? It’s those TV networks, Marge:
    they won’t let me. One quality show after another, each one fresher
    and more brilliant than the last. If they only stumbled once, just
    gave us thirty minutes to ourselves, but they won’t! They won’t
    let me live!”
  • “Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.”
  • “I want to shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I want
    to explore the world. I want to watch TV in a different time zone.
    I want to visit strange, exotic malls…I want to live, Marge! Won’t
    you let me live_?”
  • “I’ve always wondered if there was a god. And now I know
    there is — and it’s me.”
  • “Lisa honey, are you saying you’re never going to eat any
    animal again? What about bacon?”
  • “All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and
    there was no meat, I would say ‘Yo Goober! Where’s the meat!?’.
    I’m trying to impress people here Lisa. You don’t win friends with
    salad.”
  • ”To Start Press Any Key”. Where’s the ANY key?
  • “You can’t keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once,
    and move on.”
  • “Now, son, you don’t want to drink beer. That’s for daddies
    and kids with fake IDs.”
  • “English – Who needs that? I’m never going to England!”
  • “I think Mr. Smithers picked me for my motivational skills.
    Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!”
  • “Go ahead and play the blues if it’ll make you happy.”
  • “I have feelings too – like ”My stomach hurts” or ”I’m
    going crazy!”

Even more quotes by Homer Simpson

  • “Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything,
    Kent. 14% of people know that.”
  • “Don’t worry, son. I’m sure he’s up in heaven right now laughing
    it up with all the other celebrities: John Dilinger, Ty Cobb, Joseph
    Stalin.” (on death of cat).
  • “And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides,
    every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of
    my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and
    I forgot how to drive?”
  • “I won’t sleep in the same bed with a woman who thinks I’m
    lazy! I’m going right downstairs, unfold the couch, unroll the sleeping
    ba- uh, goodnight.”
  • “It’s like something out of that twilighty show about that
    zone.”
  • “Yes, honey…Just squeeze your rage up into a bitter little
    ball and release it at an appropriate time, like that day I hit
    the referee with the whiskey bottle.”
  • “OK, son. Just remember to have fun out there today, and
    if you lose, I’LL KILL YOU!”
  • “Me lose brain? Uh, oh! Ha ha ha! Why I laugh?”
  • “Kids, kids. As far as Daddy’s concerned, you’re both potential
    murderers.”
  • “No! No no no no no no! Well, yes.”
  • “Ah, beer, my one weakness. My achilles heel, if you will.”
  • “Well, I’m tired of being a wannabe league bowler. I wanna
    be a league bowler!”
  • “They have the Internet on computers, now?”
  • “Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything
    that’s even remotely true!”
  • “When I look at the smiles on all the children’s faces,,…I
    just know they’re about to jab me with something.”
  • “Son, this is the only time I’m ever gonna say this. It is
    not okay to lose.”
  • “Well you know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women.
    You just have to read the manual and press the right button.”
  • “If something is to hard to do, then it’s not worth doing.
  • “Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You”
  • “All right, let’s not panic. I’ll make the money by selling
    one of my livers. I can get by with one.”
  • “Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me
    the woman – and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally
    wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort
    thing.”
  • “Operator! Give me the number for 911!”
  • “Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?”
  • “Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn’t,
    it’s that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling
    and foxy boxing and such and such.”
  • “Aw, Dad, you’ve done a lot of great things, but you’re a
    very old man, and old people are useless.”
  • “It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child,
    but somehow I managed to squeeze in 8 hours of TV a day.”
  • “Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you’re
    prejudiced against all races.”
  • “Here’s to alcohol: the source of, and answer to, all of
    life’s problems.”
  • “I’m having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to
    not going to Church!”
  • “If this were really a nuclear war we’d all be dead meat
    by now.”

Homer Simpson quotes

  • “Bart, with $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy
    all kinds of useful things like…love!”
  • “Unfortunately, son, we Simpsons sometimes have to bend
    the rules a little in order to hold our own.”
  • “Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first
    time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way
    it is. So here’s the deal: You freeze everything the way it is,
    and I won’t ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give
    me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this
    offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you,
    give me no sign. Thy will be done.”
  • “The strong must protect the sweet”
  • “Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without
    it?”
  • “Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look
    good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you
    can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!”
  • “Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.”
  • “Remember as far as anyone knows, we’re a nice normal
    family.”
  • “I know what you’re saying, Bart. When I was young, I wanted
    an electric football machine more than anything else in the world,
    and my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of
    my life. Well, goodnight.”
  • “Your lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you
    or I, many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I worked
    alongside them, gone bowling with them, watched them pass me over
    for promotions time and again. And I say… This stinks!”
  • “D’oh!!!”
  • “That’s it! You people have stood in my way long enough.
    I’m going to clown college!”
  • “You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson
    is ‘never try’.”
  • “God bless those pagans.”
  • “I’m in a place where I don’t know where I am!”
  • “I am so smart, I am so smart, s-m-r-t….I mean s-m-A-r-t.”
  • “Oh, everything’s too damned expensive these days. This
    Bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody’s
    a sinner! Except this guy.”
  • “Mmmm, free goo.”
  • “It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled
    child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.”
  • “I can’t believe it! Reading and writing actually paid
    off!”
  • “Don’t let Krusty’s death get you down, boy. People die
    all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow!
    Well, good night
  • “Yeah Moe that team sure did suck last night. They just
    plain sucked! I’ve seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest
    bunch of sucks that ever sucked!”
  • “Ha ha! Look at this country! ? R U Gay!? Ha ha!”
    (looking at Uruguay on the globe).
  • “Don’t mess with the dead, boy, they have eerie powers.”
  • “Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do?”
  • “If you really want something in this life, you have to
    work for it – Now quiet, they’re about to announce the lottery
    numbers!”
  • “Relax. What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never
    mind!”
  • “Good drink… good meat… good God, let’s eat!”
  • “Lord help me, I’m just not that bright.”
  • “What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is
    nuts.”
  • “Now go on, boy, and pay attention. Because if you do,
    someday, you may achieve something that we Simpsons have dreamed
    about for generations: You may outsmart someone!”
  • “I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before
    he invented the light bulb.”
  • “Beer. Now there’s a temporary solution.”
  • “Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy’s
    piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough
    to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure…not
    even close.”
  • “Kill myself? Killing myself is the last thing I’d ever
    do. Now I have a purpose, a reason to live. I don’t care who I
    have to face, I don’t care who I have to fight, I will not rest
    until this street gets a stop sign!”
  • “If they think I’m going to stop at that stop sign, they’re
    sadly mistaken!”
  • “Unlike most of you, I am not a nut.”
  • “Safety? But sir! If truth be known, I actually caused
    more accidents around here than any other employee, including
    a few doozies no one every found out about.”
  • “No, no, no, Lisa. If adults don’t like their jobs, they
    don’t go on strike. They just go in every day and do it really
    half-assed.”
  • “Simpson-Homer Simpson, he’s the greatest guy in his-tor-y.
    From the town of Springfield, he’s about to hit a chestnut tree….D’oh!”
    (sung to the air of Flintstones theme song)
  • “Ignore the boy, Lord.”
  • “Dear Lord, thank You for this microwave bounty, even
    though we don’t deserve it. I mean… our kids are uncontrollable
    hellions! Pardon my French… but they act like savages! Did You
    see them at the picnic? Oh, of course You did… You’re everywhere,
    You’re omnivorous. Oh Lord! Why did You spite me with this family?”
  • “You know Moe, my mom once said something that really
    stuck with me. She said, `Homer, you’re a big disappointment’,
    and God bless her soul, she was really onto something.”
  • “When will I learn? The answer to life’s problems aren’t
    at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!”
  • “Trying is the first step towards failure.”
  • “America’s health care system is second only to Japan…
    Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, … well all of Europe. But you
    can thank your lucky stars we don’t live in Paraguay!”
  • “What’s the point of going out, we’re just going to end
    up back here anyway?”
  • “Don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them.”
    (to aliens who abducted Simpson family)
  • “I like my beer cold…my TV loud…and my homosexuals
    flaming.”
  • “The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach
    a boy to be a man. Let’s see. Don’t tattle. Always make fun of
    those different from you. Never say anything, unless you’re sure
    everyone feels exactly the same way you do.”
  • “I think the saddest day of my life was when I realised
    I could beat my Dad at most things, and Bart experienced that
    at the age of four.”
  • “And there’s nothing wrong with hitting someone when his
    back is turned.”
  • “Being popular is the most important thing in the world!”
  • “Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated
    and studied so that it can be determined what nutrients they have
    that might be extracted for our personal use.”
  • “Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of
    that alligator biting that woman’s bottom? That’s right, we all
    thought it was hilarious. But it turns out we were wrong. That
    alligator was sexually harrassing that woman.”

Famous Simpsons quotes on religion

15. Don’t worry, Homer. Nine out of ten religions fail in their first year. -God

14. Oh, everything’s too damned expensive these days. This bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody’s a sinner! Except this guy. – Homer

13. Suppose we’ve chosen the wrong god. Every time we go to church we’re just making him madder and madder. – Homer

12. I was at Bible camp, learning how to be more judgemental. – Maude

11. Don’t worry, son. I’m sure he’s up in heaven right now laughing it up with all the other celebrities: John Dilinger, Ty Cobb, Joseph Stalin. – Homer

10. Todd: Daddy, the heathen’s getting away! -Ned: I see him, son. I see him…

9. If the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn’t, it’s that girls should stick to girls’ sports, such as hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such and such. – Homer

8. Seen on Christian school sign: We put the Fun back in Fundementalist Dogma!

7. Bart: Wow! God is so in your face. Homer: Yea, he’s my favorite fictional character.

6. Hey, since when is Christmas just about the presents? Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of this day? The birth of Santa? – Bart

5. Save me, Jeebus! – Homer

4. Dear God. We paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing. – Bart

3. Prayer has no place in the public schools, just like facts have no place in organized religion. – Superintendent Chalmers

2. Stealing! How could you? Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain what’s-his-name? – Homer

1. Homer: Oh, Lord! Why do You mock me? (looking up at ceiling). Marge: Homer, that’s not God. That’s a waffle Bart stuck to the ceiling. (Marge pries the waffle off the ceiling). Homer: Lord, I know I shouldn’t eat Thee, but… (munch munch munch) mmmm…sacrelicious.