Cartman quotes

Kevin: My waffle’s done! My waffle’s done!
Mrs. McCormick: Now, Kevin, we ain’t got enough for everybody. You have to split that with your brother.
Cartman: Oh, Jesus, are you fucking kidding me?

Cartman: Kenny’s family is so poor, they had to put their cardboard box up for a second mortgage.

Cartman: Yeah! I want Cheesy Poofs!

Cartman: Poor people tend to live in clusters.

Cartman:God has told me how to make 10 million dollars!
Stan: How?
Cartman: Boy band.
Stan: Boy band?
Cartman: Boy band.
Stan: I’m not being part of any faggy boy band.
Cartman: Theres nothing faggy about 10 million dollars, asshole.

Cartman: This is killing me. The human body was not meant to move quickly like that.

Mr. Garrison: Settle down, children. I have some difficult news. This is going to make you all very sad. The school board is considering firing me as your teacher. There’s a possibility that I’ll be let go and never allowed to teach you again. Yes, Stanley?
Stan: That’s okay with us.
Cartman: Yeah.
Stan: Yeah, that’s fine.
Mr. Garrison: No, it isn’t. It makes you very sad.

Cartman: The fireman is very magical. Rub his helmet and he spits in your eye.

Cartman (singing): Whenever I see Jesus up on that cross/I can’t help but think that he looks kinda’ hot.

Cartman: Well, Kyle, appreciate you being so open with me about this, but as we know, you have a warped perception of reality because you’re jewish.

Cartman: See, this is what we call an all-you-can-eat buffet. Here you can eat all you want for just $6.99. That’s why everyone comes here on Tuesday nights, except for Kenny’s family because for them, $6.99 is two year’s income.

Kyle: Does anybody know anything about corporations?
Cartman: I think my mom is a corporation.
Stan (sarcastically): Yeah, that makes sense.

Cartman: We’re never gonna’ get any candy if Kenny keeps eating people!

Kyle: Wait, isn’t there some rule about not getting into cars with strangers?
Cartman: No, not when money’s involved, stupid.

Cartman: What kind of side dishes will we be enjoying this evening with our frozen waffles?

Cartman: French people piss me off.

Cartman: I got my period.

Cartman: Kyle, you’re being a Negative Nancy.

Cartman: So, I am to understand that there will be no side dishes tonight?

Cartman: Ma’am, we’re having a Dude moment here if you don’t mind.

Stan: But it was right here!
Cartman: Stan, lay off the cough syrup dude, I’m worried about you man.

Cartman: Oh, this is a democratic boy band, is it?

Cartman: Am I to understand we will not be enjoying any side dishes with our frozen waffles?

Futurama quotes – Part 2

Leela: Hey, you know what might be a hoot?
Professor: No. Why would I know that?

Fry: I want to see the edge of the universe.
Amy: Ooh, that sounds cool.
Zoidberg: It’s funny. You live in the universe by you
never do these things ’til someone comes to visit.

Fry: So, there’s an infinite number of parallel universes?
Professor: No, just the two.
Fry: Oh, well, I’m sure that’s enough.

Handcrafters: New hands in about an hour
Fry: These new hands are great. I’m gonna break them in tonight.

Fry: I’ve only got two fantasies left: to be invisible in a
chocolate factory, and to be romantically linked to a celebrity.
Bender: I could pound your head ’til you think that’s what happened.
Fry: Okay.

nappster.com: Download any celebrity from A.A. Milne to Z.Z. Top

If food is not reasonably clean, return uneaten portion for partial refund

Brooklyn Aquarium, special exhibit: boids of da wattah

Professor: Oh, dear. She’s stuck in an infinite loop and he’s an idiot.
Well, that’s love for you.

Bender: Stay away from our women. You got metal fever, baby, metal fever!

Professor: I knew I should have shown him “Electro-Gonnorhea, the Noisy Killer.”

Lucy Liu: That was incredible, Bender. You’re like Jackie Chan
before he got all doughy.

Zapp: Now that’s a wave of destruction that’s easy on the eyes.

Leela: And nappster says illegal copies never hurt anybody.

Fry: Lucy Liu-bot, if I don’t survive the corn, I want you to know that I
love you as much as a man can love a computerized image of a gorgeous
celebrity, which it turns out is a lot.

Leela: Your face can take a lot of punishment. That’s good to know.
Fry: There’s a lot about my face you don’t know.

Professor: While you were gone the Trotters held a news conference
to announce that I was a jive sucker.

Marv Albert: He’s really showing us what a man with a cannon
in his chest can do.

Leela: I don’t know what you did, Fry, but once again you screwed
up. Now all the planets are gonna start crackin’ wise about our mommas.
Hermes: I’m just glad my fat ugly momma isn’t alive to see this day.

Bubblegum: Good lord, that sucker’s shakin’ around like
some fine imported booty.

Leela: Zoidberg!
Zoidberg: Sorry, you must have been boring.

Leela: I love his boyish charm, but I hate his childishness.

Fry: Drugs are for losers, and hypnosis is for losers with big weird eyebrows.

Fry: How did I get Leela to love me? I’ve got to figure it out.
Hermes: Maybe you’re just a fantastic lover, Fry.
Amy: No.

Professor: Doomsday device? Ah, now the ball’s in Farnsworth’s
court. I suppose I could part with one and still be feared.

Bubblegum: Bender, you can talk trash, you can handle the ball,
but look in your heart and ask yourself: are you funky
enough to be a Globe Trotter? Are you?
Bender: Yes.
Bubblegum: Are you?
Bender: I mean, with time, my funk level could…
Bubblegum: Are you?!
Bender: No.
Bubblegum: Deal with it.

Futurama is brought to you by Thompson’s Teeth, the
only teeth strong enough to eat other teeth.

Zoidberg: So many memories, so many strange fluids gushing out
of patients’ bodies….

Fry: Hey, I don’t see you planning for your old age.
Bender: I got plans. I’m gonna turn my on/off switch to off.

Roberto: Geez, I’ve seen lines move faster in a sperm bank.

Famous Original Ray’s Superior Court

Fry: I refuse to testify on the grounds that my organs will be
chopped up into a patty.
Judge Whitey: Ah, the sixty-seventh ammendment.

Fry: Ow, my head! Ow, my feet! Ow, my head! Ow, my feet!
Professor: Keep your chin up.
Fry: Ow, my chin!

HAL Institute for Criminally Insane Robots

Fry: You gotta help me, Bender. How can I prove I’m human?
Bender: You could drop dead. That’d show ’em.
Fry: I don’t wanna.

Fry: I’m not a robot like you. I don’t like having disks crammed
into me… unless they’re Oreos, and then only in the mouth.

Amy: Bender, you should be more ashamed of yourself than usual.

Fry: I must be a robot. Why else would human women refuse to date me?
Leela: Oh, lots of reasons.

Leela: Okay, this has gotta stop. I’m going to remind Fry of his
humanity the way only a woman can.
Professor: You’re going to do his laundry?

Amy: Aw, he looks like a little insane drunken angel.

Professor: Ouch! That’s going to bleed when my heart beats.

Fry: Mmm, the gristle in a blanket isn’t half bad.
Bender: And try one of these popsicle sticks. They’ve
absorbed quite a bit of flavor.

Leela: I guess you never really outgrow being an eyeball… oddball.

Adelai: A package is just a box until it’s delivered.

Fry: Hey, why are those kids following you? Do you have candy stuck to your ass?

One of Bender’s kids: Our dad is a giant toy!

One of Bender’s kids: Can we have Bender burgers again?
Bender: No, the cat shelter’s onto me.

Leela: Oh, Adelai, I’ve had a wonderful time today. No one’s stared
at me, or avoided staring at me, or tried to burn me. You make me
feel so not weird.

Fry: What’s so wonderful about Leela being normal? The rest of us
aren’t normal. And that’s what makes us great. Like Dr. Zoidberg. He’s
a weird monster who smells like he eats garbage and does.
Zoidberg: Damn right.
Fry: And the professor’s a senile amoral crackpot.
Professor: Oyeeaii. (waves)
Fry: Hermes is a Rastafarian accountant.
Hermes: Tally me banana.
Fry: Amy is a klutz from Mars.
Amy: Whoops. (drops her glass)
Professor: And Fry, you’ve got that brain thing.
Fry: I already did!

Futurama quotes – Part 1

Fry: “Maybe he has a parasite.”
Hermes: “Maybe he is a parasite.”

Bender to Zoidberg: “You’re looking less nuts, crabby.”

Leela: “It’s amazing that your people can fall in love so fast.”
Zoidberg: “Love? That word is unknown here. I’m simply looking for a female
swollen with eggs to accept my genetic material.”
Fry: “You and me both, brother.”

Fry: “Make up some feelings and tell her you have them. Yes?”
Zoidberg: “Is the desire to mate a feeling?”

Edna: “Excuse me, I’ve got to powder my mouth flaps.”

Edna: “Teach me to love you, squishy poet from beyond the stars.”
Fry: “I’m flattered, really. If I was gonna do it with a big freaky mud bug,
you’d be way up the list.”

Bender: Fry, of all the friends I’ve had, you’re the first.

Bender: I believe that qualifies as ill. At least from a technical
standpoint.

(talking to the Beastie Boys)
Fry: Wow. I love you guys. Back in the 20th century, I had all five of
your albums.
Ad-Rock: That was a thousand years ago. Now we got seven.
Fry: Cool. Can I borrow the new ones. And a couple of blank tapes?

Bender: Hey! What kind of party is this? There’s no booze and only one
hooker.

Leela: Bender, why are you spending so much time in the bathroom? Are
you jacking on in there?

Professor Nerdstrom: Sit. I said sit! Bad fish!

Bender: OK, but I don’t want anyone thinking we’re robosexuals.

Bender: Oh no! Not the magnet!

Fry: What’s with the eye?

Farnsworth: Oh my God!!
Fry: What is it?
Farnsworth: It’s..It’s…It’s my new pager!

Leela: Now strip naked and get on the probulator.

Bender: Bite my shiny, metal ass!

Bender: Well I don’t have anything else planned for today, let’s get drunk!

Leela: Hold Still, I don’t have good depth perception!

Farnsworth: Oh no! I should do something….but i am already in my pajamas.

Bender: He’s gay.
Leela: How do you know?
Bender: I have this thing called gaydar.

Bender: Yeah, well I’m gonna build my own lunar space lander!
With blackjack aaaaannd Hookers! Actually, forget the space
lander, and the blackjack. Ahhhh forget the whole thing!

Bender: A woman like that you gotta romance first!

Cops: I’m going to get 24th Century on his ass!

Human female: “Next, New New York in crisis. Morbo?”
Morbo: “Thanks, human female. Puny Earthlings were shocked today
to learn that a ball of garbage will destroy their pathetic
city of New New York.”
Human female: “Makes me glad that we live here in Los Angeles.”
Morbo: “Morbo agrees.”

Human female: “All in all. This is one day that mitten the kitten will not
soon forget.”
Morbo: “Kittens give Morbo gas. In later news the city of New New
York is doomed. Blame rests with known human professor Hubert
Farnsworth and his tiny inferior brain.”

Human female: “And so with two weeks left in the campaign, the question
on everyone’s mind is, who will be the president of Earth?
Jack Johnson or bitter rival John Jackson.
Two terrific candidates, Morbo?”
Morbo: “All humans are vermin in the eyes of Morbo.”
Human female: “In other local news, disaster struck on Saturn’s moon of Titan
today, where titanium mine collapsed, trapping one thousand
robot workers. Unless something is done quickly the trapped
robots will be dead within 300 years. Sir, what rescue
operations are planned?”
Mine spokesman: “The plan is basically to pave over the area and get on with
our lives.”
Morbo: “The news of mine’s closing sent titanium prices sky
rocketing.”

Morbo: “Morbo will now introduce tonights candidates. Puny human
number one, puny human number two and Morbo’s good friend
Richard Nixon.”
Nixon: “Hello Morbo. How’s the family?”
Morbo: “Belligerent and numerous.”
Nixon: “Good man, Nixon’s pro-war and pro-family.”

Morbo: “Morbo demands an answer to the following question. If you saw
a delicious candy in the hands of a small child. Would you
seize and consume it?”
John Jackson: “Unthinkable.”
Jack Johnson: “I wouldn’t think of it.”
Morbo: “What about you Mr. Nixon? I remind you. You are under of a
truth-o-scope.”
Nixon: “Question is vague. You don’t say what kind of candy and
whether anyone is watching. In anyway I certainly wouldn’t
harm the child.”

Human female: “The sheer drama of this election has driven voter turnout to
it’s highest level in centuries, six percent.”
Morbo: “Exit poll show evil underdog Richard Nixon trailing with
estimated zero votes.”
Human female: “The time is 7:59 and the robot polls are now opening. And
robot votes are now in. Nixon has won.”
Morbo: “Morbo congratulates our gargantuan cyborg president. May death
come quickly to his enemies.”

Human female: “The holiday season is time of celebration for most but it is
also the time to remember the tragic suffering of the less
fortunate.”
Morbo: “Earthlings do not yet know the meaning of suffering.”
Human female: “Earlier today I visited the shelter for down-and-out robots.
Homeless robots too poor to afford even the basic alcohol they
need fuel their circuits. Is there anything sadder?
Only drowning puppies and there have to be a lot of them.”

More of Eric Cartman quotes

Cartman:: How ’bout we sing, ‘Kyle’s Mom is a stupid bitch’ in D Minor.

Cartman:: That movie has warped my fragile little mind.

Cartman:: I’m not fat. I’m big-boned.
Stan:: No, Jay Leno’s chin is big-boned. You are a big, fat ass.

Stan:: You can’t just show up to a Civil War re-enactment dressed up like General Lee, FatAss.
Cartman:: Oh really? I’m pretty sure I just did.

Cartman:: You know the feeling when the huge dump you just took shoots back up your ass?

Cartman:: Only three more hours, sea people. Only three more hours and you can take me away from this crappy goddamn planet full of hippies.

Cartman:: Okay, that does it! Why has everything today involved things either going in or coming out of my ass!?

Kindergartener #1:: This looks too tough. We’re going to play Harry Potter with the other kids.
Kindergartener #2:: Me too.
Cartman:: Fine. Go on and play ‘Harry Butthole Pussy Potter.’

Cartman:: Kyle, I swear to God, if I didn’t have a guy’s hand up my butt right now, I would leap across the room and kick you in the nuts.

Cartman:: Shut up Kyle! Shut your Goddamn’ Jew mouth! You’re the reason that there’s war in the Middle East.

Stan:: What does ‘fingerbang’ mean, anyway?
Cartman:: I saw it on HBO. I think it’s when you pretend to use your finger like it’s a gun or something.
Kenny:: [Mumbles]
Stan:: Kenny says that’s not what it means.
Cartman:: All right. Kenny. What does it mean?
Kenny:: [Mumbles]
Cartman:: Ugh. That’s sick. Why the hell would anyone want to do that?

Cartman:: Sticks and stones may break my bones but I’m Jesus.

Cartman:: Too bad drinking scotch isn’t a paying job or Kenny’s dad would be a millionare!

Butters:: We’re not Christian, we just pretended to be.
Cartman:: Remind me to cut your balls off when we get back.

Cartman:: Naw dude, Independent films are those black and white hippy movies. They’re always about gay cowboys eating pudding.

Cartman:: Don’t worry, Tweek. Your family can go on welfare. Kenny’s family’s on welafare and they’re happy, isn’t that right, Kenny?
Kenny:: Fuck you.

Cartman:: Dude, that is not cool! Chopping off wee-wee’s is not cool!

Cartman:: Well God, I guess you got me again, didn’t you? Yeah, that was a good one, God. Hope it made you laugh, you sick bastard.

Cartman:: I’m not fat, I just haven’t grown into my body yet you skinny bitch.

Cartman:: Oh, oh, Jesus. I was laughing so hard–the milk came out of my nose.
Stan:: Dude, you weren’t drinking any milk.
Cartman:: Huh?
Stan:: You have to be drinking milk for that to happen.
Cartman:: Not with me, man.

Cartman:: In the Ghetto! On a cold and gray Chicago morn, another baby child is born in the ghetto. In the ghetto!

Mr. Garrison:: Congratulations, Eric, on writing the award-winning paper.
Cartman:: Kick ass.
Stan:: That’s impossible. Cartman doesn’t know a rainforest from a Pot-Tart.
Cartman:: Yeah, I do. Pop-Tarts are frosted.

Cartman:: Think about it – it’s the easiest, crappiest music in the world, right? If we just sing about how much we love Jesus, all the Christians will buy our crap.”

Kyle:: [The boys are confronted by Afghan soldiers.] Uh, greetings from Canada. Well boys, it’s ‘aboot’ time we get back to our ‘hoose’ in Canada, isn’t it?
Cartman:: Hey, what the hell are you talking about? I’m not a Goddamn’ Canandian and neither are you.
Stan:: Cartman, you stupid asshole.

Cartman:: I was just layin’ down some rhymes, with the G-folk, you know, kickin’ it on the west siy-eede.
Kyle:: You live on the EAST side, Cartman.

Carman:: Why does this happen every month? It seems like right about the same time every month, Kyle’s mom gets a hair up her ass about something, and I always end up getting screwed by it.

Cartman:: Speilberg – Jew … Lucas – Jew … Kyle – Jew.

Stan:: OmiGod, you guys are not gonna believe what happened to me last night!
Cartman:: What? tell us!
Stan:: So, I’m watching the season premiere of ‘Boy Meets Boy’ on television, right, and then ‘Queer Eye For the Straight Guy’ comes on! So I fall asleep in front of the TV and when I wake up, I see that I’ve spilled the Coke I was drinking, ALL over my satin pajama top.
Cartman:: OmiGod! Are you serious? That was the cutest top ever!
Stan:: I know!
(Kenny mumbles)
Stan:: Oh, tell me about it Ken Doll.

Cartman:: Kenny’s family is so poor that yesterday they had to put their cardboard box up for a second mortgage.

Cartman:: Anyway Kenny, Yellow MegaMan is only $8.95, so maybe your mom can put it on layaway and make payments for a year or two.

Cartman:: You seem a little irritable, Kyle. You got some sand in your vagina?
Kyle:: There’s no sand in my vagina!

Eric Cartman quotes

Cartman: You so much as TOUCH kitty’s ass, and I’ll put a firecracker in your nutsack and blow your balls all over your pants.
Stan: Jesus, Cartman.
Cartman: Well, I’m just sayn’, man, seriously, don’t mess with kitty, man.

Mr. Garrison:: How would you like to go see the school counselor?
Cartman: How would you like to suck my balls?
Mr. Garrison:: What did you just say?!
Cartman: Oh, I’m sorry (Clears throat and pulls out megaphone), actually what I said was, “How would you like to suck my balls, Mr. Garrison?”

Cartman: It’s a man’s obligation to stick his boneration in a women’s separation; this sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation.

Kyle: Wow! That’s a lot of seamen, Cartman.
Cartman: Yeah, I bought all that I could at this bank, and then I got the rest from this guy Ralph in an alley.
Stan: That’s cool.
Cartman: Yeah, and the sweet thing is, the stupid asshole didn’t even charge me money for it. He just made me close my eyes and suck on a hose.

Cartman: I’ve learned something, too: selling out is sweet because when you sell out, you get to make a lot of money, and when you have money, you don’t have to hang out with a bunch of poor asses like you guys. Screw you guys, I’m going home.

Mr. Garrison:: Does anyone know what sexual harassment means?
Cartman: When you are tying to have intercourse with a special lady friend and some other guy comes up and tickles your balls from behind.

Cartman: Mom–Kitty is being a dildo.
Mrs. Cartman: Well, I know a little kitty who is sleeping with Mommy tonight.

Cartman: I would never let a woman kick my ass. If she tried something, I’d be like, HEY! You get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!

Cartman: Why is it that everything today has to do with things either going in or coming out of my ass?

Stan: I don’t want to shoot the bunny.
Uncle Jimbo: No nephew of mine is going to be a tree hugger.
Cartman: Yeah, hippie. Go back to Woodstock if you don’t wnat to shoot anything.

Chief Running Water: Your mother is what we Indians call, ‘Bear With Wide Canyon.’
Cartman: What do you mean?
CRW: She is ‘Doe Who Cannot Keep Legs Together.’
Cartman: Huh?
CRW: Your mom’s a slut.

Cartman: Handle it? For two billion dollars I could handle my Grandpa’s balls dude.

Cartman: Butters will give hand jobs in the corner for a dollar.
Butters: Sure! I’m good at all kinds of jobs.

Cartman: Respect My Authority!

Cartman: The poor kid passes it to the Jew, the Jew shoots. He misses! Proving once and for all that Jews cannot play hockey!
Kyle: Shut up Cartman! Your body is bigger than the goal!
Cartman: No, I just have a sweet hockey body.

Mr. Garrison:: Who was in charge of the feminist movement of the early ’60’s?
Cartman: A bunch of fat old skanks on their periods.
Mr. Garrison:: Right. But who was the fattest, oldest skank on her period?

Kyle: Cartman, you have such a fat ass, that when people walk down the street they go, ‘God damn, that’s a big, fat ass.’
Cartman: No, they don’t, you jealous weakling.
Passing Man: God damn, that’s a big fat ass.

Cartman: If some girl tried to kick my ass, I’d be like, ‘Hey. Why don’t you stop … dressing me like a mailman … uh, and making me dance for you … while you go and … smoke crack in your bedroom … and have sex with … some guy … I don’t even know. On my dad’s bed.
Stan: Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?
Cartman: I’m just saying you’re just a little wuss, that’s all.

Cartman: Well, I’ve been lickin’ this carpet for 3 whole hours and I don’t feel like a lesbian.

Cartman: Well, I looked in my mom’s closet and saw what I was getting for Christmas, an UltraVibe Pleasure 2000.

Cartman: You have rats in your house, too, Kenny?
Kenny: Mm-hm.
Cartman: Seriously, you better stop being so poor or else I’m gonna start huckin’ rocks at you.

Cartman: Okay, Token, give me a sweet bass line.
Token: I don’t know how to play the bass.
Cartman: Token, how many times do we have to go over this? You’re black. You can play the bass.
Token: I’m really tired of your racist views on this.
Cartman: Well then, get tired of them after you give me a bass line!
Token: (Plays the bass expertly) Oh, Goddammit.

Stan: The note (from Wendy) says to meet her at Stark’s Pond after school.
Kyle: Whoa, maybe you can kiss her.
Cartman: Or slip a little tongue.
Kenny: [mumbles] Or slide a finger up her pussy.
Kyle: I didn’t know she had a cat.

Cartman: Speaking of pounding ass, here come’s Stan’s little homo dog.

Cartman: I hate hippies! I mean, the way they always talk about “protectin’ the earth” and then drive around in cars that get poor gas mileage and wear those stupid bracelets – I hate ’em! I wanna kick ’em in the nuts!

Cartman: Alright. Look. I didn’t want to have to say this, but I think maybe we’re not seeing heaven because one of us doesn’t believe in it enough.
Kyle: Huh?
Cartman: Heaven could be like the pixie fairies of Bubblegum Forest. You only see them if you really believe in them.
Stan: What?
Cartman: You know, maybe we’re not seeing heaven because one of us is a J-O-O.
Kyle: What does me being a Jew have to do with anything?

Cartman: Now stop wasting Mel Gibson’s time, you little pussy prick.
Stan: Don’t take that tone with me, kid. I’ll kick your ass.
Cartman: Yah. Well, I’d like to see you try. I’m, like, 6 feet tall.
Stan: Yah. Well, you sound like a little bitch to me.
Cartman: Bitch! Don’t call me bitch, bitch!
Stan: Bring it on then, bitch!
Cartman: I already brung it, bitch. I brung it, opened it, and set it on the table, bitch.

Cartman: It’s an Afghanistan goat, so it can’t stay here, or else it’ll choke on the sweet air of freedom.

Cartman: Maury, I am out of control. Yeah, I use drugs. I can do what I waunt, biatch! Yeah, I have sex, and I don’t use protection! It’s my hot body; I’ll do what I waunt! I don’t go to school and I kill people! What-evah! I’ll do what I waunt!

Cartman: Hippies.They’re everywhere. They wanna save the earth, but all they do is smoke pot and smell bad.

Famous quotes by Homer Simpson

  • “Let us all bask in television’s warm glowing warming glow.”
  • “Beer. Now there’s a temporary solution.”
  • “And Lord, we are especially thankful for nuclear power,
    the cleanest, safest energy source there is. Except for solar, which
    is just a pipe dream.”  
  • “Because sometimes the only way you can feel good Simpsons
    brain about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I’m
    tired of making other people feel good about themselves!”
  • “Ah, good ol’ trustworthy beer. My love for you will never
    die.”
  • “I want to share something with you: The three little sentences
    that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2:
    Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.”
  • “Quiet you kids. If I hear one more word, Bart doesn’t get
    to watch cartoons, and Lisa doesn’t get to go to college.”
  • “Don’t you ever, EVER talk that way about television.”
  • “Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong.
    Even though they say it’s okay in the bible.”
  • “No matter how good you are at something, there’s always
    about a million people better than you.”
  • “Marge, there’s an empty spot I’ve always had inside me.
    I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but
    those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer.”
  • “I’m not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So
    why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I’m going to
    Hell?”
  • “When it comes to compliments, women are ravenous blood-sucking
    monsters always want’n more… more… MORE! And if you give it
    to them, you’ll get plenty back in return.”
  • “If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who
    can’t speak English.”
  • “Kids, kids. I’m not going to die. That only happens to bad
    people.”
  • “Marge, I’m going to miss you so much. And it’s not just
    the sex. It’s also the food preparation.”
  • “Ah, TV respects me. It laughs with me, not at me!”
  • “Marge, I agree with you — in theory. In theory, communism
    works. Intheory.”
  • “You think I don’t want to? It’s those TV networks, Marge:
    they won’t let me. One quality show after another, each one fresher
    and more brilliant than the last. If they only stumbled once, just
    gave us thirty minutes to ourselves, but they won’t! They won’t
    let me live!”
  • “Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.”
  • “I want to shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I want
    to explore the world. I want to watch TV in a different time zone.
    I want to visit strange, exotic malls…I want to live, Marge! Won’t
    you let me live_?”
  • “I’ve always wondered if there was a god. And now I know
    there is — and it’s me.”
  • “Lisa honey, are you saying you’re never going to eat any
    animal again? What about bacon?”
  • “All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and
    there was no meat, I would say ‘Yo Goober! Where’s the meat!?’.
    I’m trying to impress people here Lisa. You don’t win friends with
    salad.”
  • ”To Start Press Any Key”. Where’s the ANY key?
  • “You can’t keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once,
    and move on.”
  • “Now, son, you don’t want to drink beer. That’s for daddies
    and kids with fake IDs.”
  • “English – Who needs that? I’m never going to England!”
  • “I think Mr. Smithers picked me for my motivational skills.
    Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!”
  • “Go ahead and play the blues if it’ll make you happy.”
  • “I have feelings too – like ”My stomach hurts” or ”I’m
    going crazy!”

Even more quotes by Homer Simpson

  • “Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything,
    Kent. 14% of people know that.”
  • “Don’t worry, son. I’m sure he’s up in heaven right now laughing
    it up with all the other celebrities: John Dilinger, Ty Cobb, Joseph
    Stalin.” (on death of cat).
  • “And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides,
    every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of
    my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and
    I forgot how to drive?”
  • “I won’t sleep in the same bed with a woman who thinks I’m
    lazy! I’m going right downstairs, unfold the couch, unroll the sleeping
    ba- uh, goodnight.”
  • “It’s like something out of that twilighty show about that
    zone.”
  • “Yes, honey…Just squeeze your rage up into a bitter little
    ball and release it at an appropriate time, like that day I hit
    the referee with the whiskey bottle.”
  • “OK, son. Just remember to have fun out there today, and
    if you lose, I’LL KILL YOU!”
  • “Me lose brain? Uh, oh! Ha ha ha! Why I laugh?”
  • “Kids, kids. As far as Daddy’s concerned, you’re both potential
    murderers.”
  • “No! No no no no no no! Well, yes.”
  • “Ah, beer, my one weakness. My achilles heel, if you will.”
  • “Well, I’m tired of being a wannabe league bowler. I wanna
    be a league bowler!”
  • “They have the Internet on computers, now?”
  • “Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything
    that’s even remotely true!”
  • “When I look at the smiles on all the children’s faces,,…I
    just know they’re about to jab me with something.”
  • “Son, this is the only time I’m ever gonna say this. It is
    not okay to lose.”
  • “Well you know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women.
    You just have to read the manual and press the right button.”
  • “If something is to hard to do, then it’s not worth doing.
  • “Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You”
  • “All right, let’s not panic. I’ll make the money by selling
    one of my livers. I can get by with one.”
  • “Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me
    the woman – and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally
    wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort
    thing.”
  • “Operator! Give me the number for 911!”
  • “Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?”
  • “Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn’t,
    it’s that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling
    and foxy boxing and such and such.”
  • “Aw, Dad, you’ve done a lot of great things, but you’re a
    very old man, and old people are useless.”
  • “It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child,
    but somehow I managed to squeeze in 8 hours of TV a day.”
  • “Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you’re
    prejudiced against all races.”
  • “Here’s to alcohol: the source of, and answer to, all of
    life’s problems.”
  • “I’m having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to
    not going to Church!”
  • “If this were really a nuclear war we’d all be dead meat
    by now.”