50 Homer Simpson jokes

  1. Operator! Give me the number for 911!
  2. Oh, so they have internet on computers now!
  3. Bart, with $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!
  4. Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.
  5. I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman.
  6. Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.
  7. Well, it’s 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.
  8. Maybe, just once, someone will call me ‘Sir’ without adding, ‘You’re making a scene.’
  9. Marge, don’t discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.
  10. Doughnuts. Is there anything they can’t do?
  11. You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
  12. Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.
  13. When will I learn? The answer to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!
  14. Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.
  15. I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes!
  16. [Meeting Aliens] Please don’t eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
  17. What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
  18. Marge, you’re as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
  19. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
  20. The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it’s time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!
  21. When I look at the smiles on all the children’s faces, I just know they’re about to jab me with something.
  22. I’m having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!
  23. Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn’t, it’s that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.
  24. I’m not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I’m going to Hell?
  25. Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you’re prejudiced against all races.
  26. It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
  27. Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
  28. I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.
  29. Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.
  30. Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman’s bottom? That’s right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman.
  31. Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
  32. How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
  33. Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.
  34. Homer no function beer well without.
  35. I’ve always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is — and it’s me.
  36. Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?
  37. If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can’t speak English.
  38. I’m never going to be disabled. I’m sick of being so healthy.
  39. I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.
  40. [Looking at a globe map…country being Uruguay] Hee hee! Look at this country! ‘You-are-gay.’
  41. All my life I’ve had one dream, to achieve my many goals.
  42. Dad, you’ve done a lot of great things, but you’re a very old man, and old people are useless.
  43. But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.
  44. I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.
  45. Dear Lord.. The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here’s the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won’t ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal.
  46. That’s it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I’m going to clown college!
  47. Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.
  48. If something’s hard to do, then it’s not worth doing
  49. I’m in no condition to drive…wait! I shouldn’t listen to myself, I’m drunk!
  50. ‘To Start Press Any Key’. Where’s the ANY key?

Quotes from South Park Season 1

Cartman: I’m not fat, I’m big-boned!

Stan: That fat bitch won’t let us.
Mrs. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
Stan: I said, “Rabbits eat lettuce.”
Mrs. Crabtree: Oh… Well, they certainly do.

Chef: What the hell do you think you’re doing in school eating Salisbury steak? Go find him, dammit!

Mrs. Cartman: You want some Cheesy Poofs, too?
Cartman: Yeah, I want Cheesey Poofs!

Cartman: Go home, you little dildo!
Kyle: Dude! Don’t call my brother a dildo!
Stan: What’s a dildo?
Kyle: I dunno, and I’ll bet Cartman doesn’t know either!
Cartman: I know what it means!!
Kyle: Well, what?
Cartman: I’m not telling you.
Stan: What’s a dildo, Kenny?
Kenny: [unintelligible…perhaps “It’s a giant stick that goes inside our moms’ vaginas.”]
[All of them laugh.]
Cartman: Yeah. That’s what Kyle’s little brother is, alright.
[Kyle picks up his little brother, Ike, and hits Cartman.]
Stan: Dude! That kicks ass!
Kyle: Yeah. Check this one out! Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!
Ike: Don’t kick the baby.
Kyle: Kick the baby!
[Kyle kicks Ike.]

Cartman: Goddammit, I didn’t have an anal probe!

Kyle: My little brother’s been abducted by aliens. It’s true! Ask Cartman! They gave him an anal probe!
Cartman: Heh, that’s, uh, that’s a little joke…
Kyle: Mr. Garrison, seriously! I have to go! Can I please be excused from class?
Mr. Garrison: I don’t know, Kyle. Did you ask Mr. Hat?
Kyle: I don’t WANNA ask Mr. Hat, I’m asking YOU!!
Mr. Garrison: Oh, I think you should ask Mr. Hat.
Kyle: Mr. Hat, may I please be excused from class?
Mr. Hat: Well, Kyle…NO!! You hear me?! You go to hell! You go to hell and you DIE!!
Mr. Garrison: Hmm…I guess you’ll have to take your seat.
Kyle: DAMMIT!!!
Cartman: Ha, ha! Mr. Hat yelled at you!

Cattle Rancher: That’s the third cow this month, at this rate all my cattle are gonna die before the Winter’s through.
Officer Barbrady: This is nothing out of the unusual. Cows turn themselves inside out all the time.
Cattle Rancher: People been sayin’ they’ve been seeing UFO’s around.
Officer Barbrady: UFO’s?? Ha Ha.
Cattle Rancher: Yea, and black army CIA helicopters and trucks.
Officer Barbrady: That is the silliest thing I’ve ever heard.

(Black Army CIA Helicopters fly by behind Officer Barbrady)

Cattle Rancher: What was that?
Officer Barbrady: That, that was a pigeon.

(A huge anal probe has opened up into a satellite dish from Cartman’s ass)

Stan: Are you ok Cartman?!
Cartman: Dude, you know there feeling when you take a huge dump? ….Awesome

(The satellite retracts back into Cartman)

Kyle: Are you ok?
Cartman: You know that feeling when that huge dump you just took shoots back up your ass-NO I’M NOT OK!!!
Ned: I don’t think eight year old kids drink beer.

Uncle Jimbo: Hey, look out, son, that’s dangerous. You’re gonna spill your beer!

Cartman: Democrats piss me off.

Stan: Uncle Jimbo says after this, hes taking me to Africa.
Cartman: My Mom says there’s a lot of black people in Africa.

Stan: I don’t want to shoot the bunny.
Uncle Jimbo: No nephew of mine is going to be a tree hugger.
Cartman: Yeah, hippie. Go back to Woodstock if you don’t want to shoot anything.
Cartman: Follow your dreams, You can reach your goals, I’m living proof! Beefcake!

Cartman: It’s all a bunch of treehugging hippie crap!

Cartman: If dolphins are so smart, why do they get caught in those fishing nets all the time?

Kyle: Cartman! You’re such a fat ass, that when you walk down the street, people go “God damn it, that is a big fat ass!”
Cartman: No they don’t, you jealous weakling!
Man: God damn! That’s a big fat ass!
Cartman: AY!!!

Cartman: If dolphins are so smart, why do they live in igloos?
Kyle:Dolphins dont live in igloos, those are Eskimos, stupid!
Cartman: Dolphins, Eskimos, who cares? its all a bunch of tree huggin hippy crap anyway!
Stan: Now, don’t be gay! Don’t be gay, Spark! Don’t be gay!
Mr Garrison: Gay people, well, gay people are EVIL, evil right down to their cold black hearts which pump not blood like yours or mine, but rather a thick, vomitous oil that oozes through their rotten veins and clots in their pea-sized brains which becomes the cause of their Nazi-esque patterns of violent behavior. Do you understand?
Miss Crabtree: Hey, wait a minute! What is that thing?
Kyle: Uh, this is the new retarded kid.
Miss Crabtree: Oh. I’m sorry, little girl, but you still can’t get on. You have to take the Special Ed bus.

Chef: Now, children, gather round and watch the wonders of life! The beauty of Mother Nature!

Chef: Now I know how all those white women must’ve felt.

Cartman: I would never let a woman kick my ass. If she tried something, I’d be like: HEY! You get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!”

Cartman: If some girl tried to kick my ass, I’d be like, ‘Hey. Why don’t you stop…dressing me like a mailman…uh, and making me dance for you…while you go and…smoke crack in your bedroom… and have sex with…some guy…I don’t even know. On my dad’s bed.
Stan: Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?
Cartman: I’m just saying you’re just a little wuss, that’s all.
Randy: How’s it feel to be 102, Grandpa?
Grandpa: Shoot me!

Grandpa: What has America’s youth come to? Kids won’t even kill their own grandparents.

Liane: Eric, dear, I just got a call from your friend Kyle’s mother. She said that this show is naughty and might make you a potty-mouth.
Cartman: That’s a bunch of crap. Kyle’s mom is a dirty Jew.

Stan: Jesus, is it OK to kill somebody if they ask you to? Because they’re in a lot of pain…you know, like assisted suicide…
Jesus: My son, I’m not touching that with a 60 foot pole.

Cartman: My uncle says smoking crack is kinda coo…

TV: We interrupt this program to bring you loud static.

Enya music: Take a look, take a look, take a look above the sky; come and fly, take a ride…
Stan: This music is terrible! It’s cheesy but lame, and eerily soothing at the same time!
Grandpa Marsh: Now you know what’s it’s like to be old!
Coroner #1: You know, I think death is least funny when it happens to a child.

[Coroner #2 puts Worcestershire sauce on a hot dog.]
Coroner #1: Marty, do you have to put that stuff on everything?
Coroner #2: I don’t know…it just makes everything taste so…so English.

Kyle: Cartman, what kind of costume is that?
Cartman: It’s an Adolf Hitler costume. SIEG HEIL! SIEG HEIL!

Cartman: Kenny’s family is so poor that, yesterday, they had to put their cardboard box up for a second mortgage!

Kyle: Well, at least my mom isn’t on the cover of Crack Whore magazine.

Cartman: Too bad drinking scotch isn’t a paying job, otherwise Kenny’s dad would be a millionaire.

Officer Barbrady: You’re probably wondering why we’re standing here with a pile of money and no pants on.
Chef: Actually, uh—
Mayor: Well, I can assure you that it has absolutely nothing to do with the Japanese Mafia.
Officer Barbrady: [wagging his finger] Not a thingy-dingy.

Kyle: Oh my God, I killed Kenny! You bastard!

Cartman: Why don’t you go back to Endor, you stupid wookie?
Kyle: Wookies don’t live on Endor!
Cartman: No, Starvin’ Marvin, that’s Kenny’s food! That’s a bad Starvin’ Marvin!

[Cartman is in Ethiopia.]
Cartman: I am an American citizen! Give me food! I am an American citizen!

Cartman: Mr. Garrison, why do poor people smell like sour milk?

Stan: You know, I think I’ve learned something today. It’s really easy not to think of images on TV as real people, but they are. That’s why it’s easy to ignore those commercials but people on TV are as real as you and I.
Kyle: Yeah…and that means that MacGyver is a real person too.
Stan: If my mom could cook like Cartman’s mom I’d be a big fat ass too!
Cartman: That’s right!
[Cartman realizes he’s been insulted.]
Cartman: Hey!

Cartman: Oh really? Gosh, where could I have put Pip’s invitation? Let’s see…Pip’s invitation…Pip’s invitation…oh, I remember! I shoved it up my ass! Yes. That’s right, I wrote it out, put it in an envelope, sealed it, and *woop* shoved it right up my ass. Forever ruining any chance you had of coming to my party. Sorry, Pip ‘ol chap!

Chef: OH! That’s one fudged-up little cracka!

Priest: Look! [points to Jesus] It’s that guy from the public-access show.

Damien: Everybody hates me.
Mr. Mackey: Well, uh, why do you suppose that is?
Damien: Because I’m the son of the Devil?
Mr. Mackey: Uh-huh, that’s a good start. Why else?
Damien: Because I burn them and kill them?

Pip:My name is Philip but everyone calls me Pip because they hate me.
Damien:Then i will call you Pip.

Chef: I can’t hit Jesus Christ! My mother would never speak to me again!
Wendy: I told her. Don’t…f***…with Wendy…Testaburger!

Cartman: My mom told me to be a lesbian you have to lick carpet.

[Cartman takes a bite out of a cardboard box]
Cartman: My mom said to be a lesbian you have to chow down on this box.

Mr. Garrison: I feel kinda nauseous.
Tom: Yes? Well, that’s to be expected. We did some major reconstruction, sawed through some bone, snapped some cartilage…
Mr. Garrison: Ugh.
Tom: …all the blood and mucus just the sound of bone and sinew coming apart. [makes disgusting noises of bone and blood]
Mr. Garrison: Uuuuuggghhh!
Tom: By the way, did you ever see that movie Contact?
[Mr. Garrison throws up.]
Mr. Garrison: Oh, stop, that movie was terrible!
Tom: I’m sorry, Mr. Garrison. Why don’t you get some rest and I’ll check on you a little later.
Mr. Garrison: Sat through that entire movie to see the alien and it was her goddamned father!

Cartman: My Grandma’s Dutch-Irish and my Grandpa’s Lesbian, That makes me Quarter Lesbian!

Mr. Garrison: I’m going to do what I’ve always wanted to do: hang out and screw hot chicks.
Barbra Streisand: You know who I am, don’t you?
Officer Barbrady: Well, you ain’t Fiona Apple, and if you ain’t Fiona Apple, I don’t give a rat’s ass.
Barbra Streisand: AAAARGH!!
Officer Barbrady: Whoa, what a bitch!

Stan: Wow, Robert Smith is the greatest person that ever lived!
Jesus Christ: Our savior!

Kyle: Well, that whole experience sure did suck.
Stan: Yeah, I’m sure glad that’s over with.
Kyle: But you know, I learned something today. I learned that people who want power, a lot of power, always end up dead.
Cartman: Yeah, and I learned something, too. Robert Smith kicks ass.
Cartman: Mom, can I ask you a question?
Ms. Cartman: Sure, hon.
Cartman: You know how my friend Stan has, like, a dad?
Ms. Cartaman: Uh-huh.
Cartman: And my friend Kyle has a dad, and my friend Kenny has a dad?
Ms. Cartman: Yes?
[long pause]