50 Homer Simpson jokes

  1. Operator! Give me the number for 911!
  2. Oh, so they have internet on computers now!
  3. Bart, with $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!
  4. Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.
  5. I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman.
  6. Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.
  7. Well, it’s 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.
  8. Maybe, just once, someone will call me ‘Sir’ without adding, ‘You’re making a scene.’
  9. Marge, don’t discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.
  10. Doughnuts. Is there anything they can’t do?
  11. You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
  12. Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.
  13. When will I learn? The answer to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!
  14. Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.
  15. I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes!
  16. [Meeting Aliens] Please don’t eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
  17. What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
  18. Marge, you’re as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
  19. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
  20. The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it’s time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!
  21. When I look at the smiles on all the children’s faces, I just know they’re about to jab me with something.
  22. I’m having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!
  23. Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn’t, it’s that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.
  24. I’m not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I’m going to Hell?
  25. Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you’re prejudiced against all races.
  26. It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
  27. Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
  28. I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.
  29. Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.
  30. Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman’s bottom? That’s right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman.
  31. Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
  32. How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
  33. Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.
  34. Homer no function beer well without.
  35. I’ve always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is — and it’s me.
  36. Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?
  37. If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can’t speak English.
  38. I’m never going to be disabled. I’m sick of being so healthy.
  39. I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.
  40. [Looking at a globe map…country being Uruguay] Hee hee! Look at this country! ‘You-are-gay.’
  41. All my life I’ve had one dream, to achieve my many goals.
  42. Dad, you’ve done a lot of great things, but you’re a very old man, and old people are useless.
  43. But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.
  44. I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.
  45. Dear Lord.. The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here’s the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won’t ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal.
  46. That’s it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I’m going to clown college!
  47. Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.
  48. If something’s hard to do, then it’s not worth doing
  49. I’m in no condition to drive…wait! I shouldn’t listen to myself, I’m drunk!
  50. ‘To Start Press Any Key’. Where’s the ANY key?

Quotes from South Park Season 1

Cartman: I’m not fat, I’m big-boned!

Stan: That fat bitch won’t let us.
Mrs. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
Stan: I said, “Rabbits eat lettuce.”
Mrs. Crabtree: Oh… Well, they certainly do.

Chef: What the hell do you think you’re doing in school eating Salisbury steak? Go find him, dammit!

Mrs. Cartman: You want some Cheesy Poofs, too?
Cartman: Yeah, I want Cheesey Poofs!

Cartman: Go home, you little dildo!
Kyle: Dude! Don’t call my brother a dildo!
Stan: What’s a dildo?
Kyle: I dunno, and I’ll bet Cartman doesn’t know either!
Cartman: I know what it means!!
Kyle: Well, what?
[pause]
Cartman: I’m not telling you.
Stan: What’s a dildo, Kenny?
Kenny: [unintelligible…perhaps “It’s a giant stick that goes inside our moms’ vaginas.”]
[All of them laugh.]
Cartman: Yeah. That’s what Kyle’s little brother is, alright.
[Kyle picks up his little brother, Ike, and hits Cartman.]
Stan: Dude! That kicks ass!
Kyle: Yeah. Check this one out! Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!
Ike: Don’t kick the baby.
Kyle: Kick the baby!
[Kyle kicks Ike.]

Cartman: Goddammit, I didn’t have an anal probe!

Kyle: My little brother’s been abducted by aliens. It’s true! Ask Cartman! They gave him an anal probe!
Cartman: Heh, that’s, uh, that’s a little joke…
Kyle: Mr. Garrison, seriously! I have to go! Can I please be excused from class?
Mr. Garrison: I don’t know, Kyle. Did you ask Mr. Hat?
Kyle: I don’t WANNA ask Mr. Hat, I’m asking YOU!!
Mr. Garrison: Oh, I think you should ask Mr. Hat.
Kyle: Mr. Hat, may I please be excused from class?
Mr. Hat: Well, Kyle…NO!! You hear me?! You go to hell! You go to hell and you DIE!!
Mr. Garrison: Hmm…I guess you’ll have to take your seat.
Kyle: DAMMIT!!!
Cartman: Ha, ha! Mr. Hat yelled at you!

Cattle Rancher: That’s the third cow this month, at this rate all my cattle are gonna die before the Winter’s through.
Officer Barbrady: This is nothing out of the unusual. Cows turn themselves inside out all the time.
Cattle Rancher: People been sayin’ they’ve been seeing UFO’s around.
Officer Barbrady: UFO’s?? Ha Ha.
Cattle Rancher: Yea, and black army CIA helicopters and trucks.
Officer Barbrady: That is the silliest thing I’ve ever heard.

(Black Army CIA Helicopters fly by behind Officer Barbrady)

Cattle Rancher: What was that?
Officer Barbrady: That, that was a pigeon.

(A huge anal probe has opened up into a satellite dish from Cartman’s ass)

Stan: Are you ok Cartman?!
Cartman: Dude, you know there feeling when you take a huge dump? ….Awesome

(The satellite retracts back into Cartman)

Kyle: Are you ok?
Cartman: You know that feeling when that huge dump you just took shoots back up your ass-NO I’M NOT OK!!!
Ned: I don’t think eight year old kids drink beer.

Uncle Jimbo: Hey, look out, son, that’s dangerous. You’re gonna spill your beer!

Cartman: Democrats piss me off.

Stan: Uncle Jimbo says after this, hes taking me to Africa.
Cartman: My Mom says there’s a lot of black people in Africa.

Stan: I don’t want to shoot the bunny.
Uncle Jimbo: No nephew of mine is going to be a tree hugger.
Cartman: Yeah, hippie. Go back to Woodstock if you don’t want to shoot anything.
Cartman: Follow your dreams, You can reach your goals, I’m living proof! Beefcake!

Cartman: It’s all a bunch of treehugging hippie crap!

Cartman: If dolphins are so smart, why do they get caught in those fishing nets all the time?

Kyle: Cartman! You’re such a fat ass, that when you walk down the street, people go “God damn it, that is a big fat ass!”
Cartman: No they don’t, you jealous weakling!
Man: God damn! That’s a big fat ass!
Cartman: AY!!!

Cartman: If dolphins are so smart, why do they live in igloos?
Kyle:Dolphins dont live in igloos, those are Eskimos, stupid!
Cartman: Dolphins, Eskimos, who cares? its all a bunch of tree huggin hippy crap anyway!
Stan: Now, don’t be gay! Don’t be gay, Spark! Don’t be gay!
Mr Garrison: Gay people, well, gay people are EVIL, evil right down to their cold black hearts which pump not blood like yours or mine, but rather a thick, vomitous oil that oozes through their rotten veins and clots in their pea-sized brains which becomes the cause of their Nazi-esque patterns of violent behavior. Do you understand?
Miss Crabtree: Hey, wait a minute! What is that thing?
Kyle: Uh, this is the new retarded kid.
Miss Crabtree: Oh. I’m sorry, little girl, but you still can’t get on. You have to take the Special Ed bus.

Chef: Now, children, gather round and watch the wonders of life! The beauty of Mother Nature!

Chef: Now I know how all those white women must’ve felt.

Cartman: I would never let a woman kick my ass. If she tried something, I’d be like: HEY! You get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!”

Cartman: If some girl tried to kick my ass, I’d be like, ‘Hey. Why don’t you stop…dressing me like a mailman…uh, and making me dance for you…while you go and…smoke crack in your bedroom… and have sex with…some guy…I don’t even know. On my dad’s bed.
Stan: Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?
Cartman: I’m just saying you’re just a little wuss, that’s all.
Randy: How’s it feel to be 102, Grandpa?
Grandpa: Shoot me!

Grandpa: What has America’s youth come to? Kids won’t even kill their own grandparents.

Liane: Eric, dear, I just got a call from your friend Kyle’s mother. She said that this show is naughty and might make you a potty-mouth.
Cartman: That’s a bunch of crap. Kyle’s mom is a dirty Jew.

Stan: Jesus, is it OK to kill somebody if they ask you to? Because they’re in a lot of pain…you know, like assisted suicide…
Jesus: My son, I’m not touching that with a 60 foot pole.

Cartman: My uncle says smoking crack is kinda coo…

TV: We interrupt this program to bring you loud static.

Enya music: Take a look, take a look, take a look above the sky; come and fly, take a ride…
Stan: This music is terrible! It’s cheesy but lame, and eerily soothing at the same time!
Grandpa Marsh: Now you know what’s it’s like to be old!
Coroner #1: You know, I think death is least funny when it happens to a child.

[Coroner #2 puts Worcestershire sauce on a hot dog.]
Coroner #1: Marty, do you have to put that stuff on everything?
Coroner #2: I don’t know…it just makes everything taste so…so English.

Kyle: Cartman, what kind of costume is that?
Cartman: It’s an Adolf Hitler costume. SIEG HEIL! SIEG HEIL!

Cartman: Kenny’s family is so poor that, yesterday, they had to put their cardboard box up for a second mortgage!

Kyle: Well, at least my mom isn’t on the cover of Crack Whore magazine.

Cartman: Too bad drinking scotch isn’t a paying job, otherwise Kenny’s dad would be a millionaire.

Officer Barbrady: You’re probably wondering why we’re standing here with a pile of money and no pants on.
Chef: Actually, uh—
Mayor: Well, I can assure you that it has absolutely nothing to do with the Japanese Mafia.
Officer Barbrady: [wagging his finger] Not a thingy-dingy.

Kyle: Oh my God, I killed Kenny! You bastard!

Cartman: Why don’t you go back to Endor, you stupid wookie?
Kyle: Wookies don’t live on Endor!
Cartman: No, Starvin’ Marvin, that’s Kenny’s food! That’s a bad Starvin’ Marvin!

[Cartman is in Ethiopia.]
Cartman: I am an American citizen! Give me food! I am an American citizen!

Cartman: Mr. Garrison, why do poor people smell like sour milk?

Stan: You know, I think I’ve learned something today. It’s really easy not to think of images on TV as real people, but they are. That’s why it’s easy to ignore those commercials but people on TV are as real as you and I.
Kyle: Yeah…and that means that MacGyver is a real person too.
Stan: If my mom could cook like Cartman’s mom I’d be a big fat ass too!
Cartman: That’s right!
[Cartman realizes he’s been insulted.]
Cartman: Hey!

Cartman: Oh really? Gosh, where could I have put Pip’s invitation? Let’s see…Pip’s invitation…Pip’s invitation…oh, I remember! I shoved it up my ass! Yes. That’s right, I wrote it out, put it in an envelope, sealed it, and *woop* shoved it right up my ass. Forever ruining any chance you had of coming to my party. Sorry, Pip ‘ol chap!

Chef: OH! That’s one fudged-up little cracka!

Priest: Look! [points to Jesus] It’s that guy from the public-access show.

Damien: Everybody hates me.
Mr. Mackey: Well, uh, why do you suppose that is?
Damien: Because I’m the son of the Devil?
Mr. Mackey: Uh-huh, that’s a good start. Why else?
Damien: Because I burn them and kill them?


Pip:My name is Philip but everyone calls me Pip because they hate me.
Damien:Then i will call you Pip.

Chef: I can’t hit Jesus Christ! My mother would never speak to me again!
Wendy: I told her. Don’t…f***…with Wendy…Testaburger!

Cartman: My mom told me to be a lesbian you have to lick carpet.

[Cartman takes a bite out of a cardboard box]
Cartman: My mom said to be a lesbian you have to chow down on this box.

Mr. Garrison: I feel kinda nauseous.
Tom: Yes? Well, that’s to be expected. We did some major reconstruction, sawed through some bone, snapped some cartilage…
Mr. Garrison: Ugh.
Tom: …all the blood and mucus just the sound of bone and sinew coming apart. [makes disgusting noises of bone and blood]
Mr. Garrison: Uuuuuggghhh!
Tom: By the way, did you ever see that movie Contact?
[Mr. Garrison throws up.]
Mr. Garrison: Oh, stop, that movie was terrible!
Tom: I’m sorry, Mr. Garrison. Why don’t you get some rest and I’ll check on you a little later.
Mr. Garrison: Sat through that entire movie to see the alien and it was her goddamned father!

Cartman: My Grandma’s Dutch-Irish and my Grandpa’s Lesbian, That makes me Quarter Lesbian!

Mr. Garrison: I’m going to do what I’ve always wanted to do: hang out and screw hot chicks.
Barbra Streisand: You know who I am, don’t you?
Officer Barbrady: Well, you ain’t Fiona Apple, and if you ain’t Fiona Apple, I don’t give a rat’s ass.
Barbra Streisand: AAAARGH!!
Officer Barbrady: Whoa, what a bitch!

Stan: Wow, Robert Smith is the greatest person that ever lived!
Jesus Christ: Our savior!

Kyle: Well, that whole experience sure did suck.
Stan: Yeah, I’m sure glad that’s over with.
Kyle: But you know, I learned something today. I learned that people who want power, a lot of power, always end up dead.
Cartman: Yeah, and I learned something, too. Robert Smith kicks ass.
Cartman: Mom, can I ask you a question?
Ms. Cartman: Sure, hon.
Cartman: You know how my friend Stan has, like, a dad?
Ms. Cartaman: Uh-huh.
Cartman: And my friend Kyle has a dad, and my friend Kenny has a dad?
Ms. Cartman: Yes?
[long pause]
Ms. Cartman: Well, what’s your question, hon?
Cartman: Goddamn it, do I have a dad?!
Ms. Cartman: Oh!
Cartman: I wanna know where I came from.
Ms. Cartman: Oh. Hmm. Well, you see, Eric, sometimes when a man and a women are attracted to each other, they want to be close to each other.
Cartman: Uhuh…
Mrs. Cartman: And sometimes the man puts his hoo-hoo dilly into a woman’s cha-cha.
[long pause]
Cartman: So who put his hoo-hoo dilly into your cha-cha?

Chief Running Water: I knew that she wanted me because she kept saying romantic things.
Ms. Cartman: Oh, Chief, I want your hot man-chowder.
Chief Running Water: Whoa, hello!

Cartman: I was just hangin’ out in the SPC, kickin’ it with some homies on the west sy-eed.

Morbo quotes

Linda: “And so with two weeks left in the campaign, the question on everyone’s mind is, who will be the president of Earth? Jack Johnson or bitter rival John Jackson. Two terrific candidates, Morbo?”
Morbo: “All humans are vermin in the eyes of Morbo!”


Linda: “The sheer drama of this election has driven voter turnout to it’s highest level in centuries, six percent.”
Morbo: “Exit poll show evil underdog Richard Nixon trailing with estimated zero votes.”
Linda: “The time is 7:59 and the robot polls are now opening. And robot votes are now in. Nixon has won.”
Morbo: “Morbo congratulates our gargantuan cyborg president. May death come quickly to his enemies.”


Linda: “Next, ‘New New York in Crisis.’ Morbo?”
Morbo: “Thanks, human female. Puny Earthlings were shocked today to learn that a ball of garbage will destroy their pathetic city of New New York.”
Linda: “Makes me glad we live here in Los Angeles.”
Morbo: “Morbo agrees.”


Linda: “All in all, this is one day Mittens the kitten won’t soon forget.”
Morbo: “Kittens give Morbo gas. In lighter news, the city of New New York is doomed. Blame rests with known human Professor Hubert Farnsworth and his tiny, inferior brain.”


Morbo: “Morbo will now introduce tonights candidates. Puny human number one, puny human number two and Morbo’s good friend Richard Nixon.”
Nixon: “Hello Morbo. How’s the family?”
Morbo: “Belligerent and numerous.”
Nixon: “Good man, Nixon’s pro-war and pro-family.”


Morbo: “Morbo demands an answer to the following question. If you saw a delicious candy in the hands of a small child. Would you seize and consume it?”
John Jackson: “Unthinkable.”
Jack Johnson: “I wouldn’t think of it.”
Morbo: “What about you Mr. Nixon? I remind you. You are under of a truth-o-scope.”
Nixon: “Question is vague. You don’t say what kind of candy and whether anyone is watching. In anyway I certainly wouldn’t harm the child.”


Linda: “The holiday season is time of celebration for most but it is also the time to remember the tragic suffering of the less fortunate.”
Morbo: “Earthlings do not yet know the meaning of suffering.”


Linda: “Yankee’s fifths Blernsmen William Woo is out with an injured knee.”
Morbo: “So… Humans have easily injured knees… My race will find this information very useful indeed! Muhuhahahaha!


Morbo demands comments!


……and that’s why the third graders at PS139 are Morbo’s “Vermin Of The Week”.


Morbo: “Morbo can’t understand his TelePrompTer. He forgot how you say that letter that looks like a man with a hat.”
Linda: “It’s a T, it goes tah.”
Morbo: “Hello little man. I WILL DESTROY YOU!”
Fry: “Man, even the news-monster is acting strange!”


So I gave the cookies you made to Fawn and the kids, and they couldn’t believe it. They were delicious! But I digress. Tremble, puny earthlings! One day my race will destroy you all!


Morbo: Morbo wishes these stalwart nomads peace among the Dutch tulips!
Linda: I’m sure those windmills will keep them cool.
Morbo: Windmills do not work that way! [He turns to the camera.] Goodnight!


Linda: “Alien abductions. Until now, a harmless nuisance. But recently they’ve taken on a sinister dimension as unsuspecting victims are returned without noses.”
Fry: “Like me!”
Morbo: “The culprits: shameless poachers, hunting humans without a permit.”


Morbo: Welcome to “Entertainment And Earth Invasion Tonite”. Across the galaxy my people are completing the mighty space fleet that will exterminate the human race! But first, this news from Tinseltown.

South Park – Big Gay Al – I’m super

Bombs are flying
People are dying
Children are crying
Politicians are lying too.

Cancer is killing
Texaco’s spilling
The whole world’s gone to hell
But how are you?

I’m super
Thanks for asking
All things considered
I couldn’t be better I must say

I’m feeling super
No, nothing bugs me
Everything is super when you’re
Don’t you think I look cute in this hat

I’m so sorry
Mr. Cripple
But I just can’t feel too bad for you right now.
Because I’m feeling
So insanely super
That even the fact that you can’t walk
Can’t bring me down

Background singers:
He’s super
Thanks for asking
All things considered
He couldn’t be better he must say

Big Gay Al:
I’m super
No, nothing bugs me
Everything is super when you’re
Don’t you think I look cute in this hat
These little pants, this matching tie
That I got at Vogue

I’m super

Background singers:
In the barracks and the trenches as well

Big Gay Al:
Stick ’em up.

Background singers:
Big Gay Al says do ask do tell

Big Gay Al:
Skittles

Background singers:
Yes he’s super and he’s proud to be gay

Big Gay Al:
OK

Background singers:
Everything is super when you’re gay!
When you’re gay!

South Park – Blame Canada

Sheila: Times have changed
Our kids are getting worse
They won’t obey their parents
They just want to fart and curse!
Sharon: Should we blame the government?
Liane: Or blame society?
Dads: Or should we blame the images on TV?
Sheila: No, blame Canada
Everyone: Blame Canada
Sheila: With all their beady little eyes
And flappin’ heads so full of lies
Everyone: Blame Canada
Blame Canada
Sheila: We need to form a full assault
Everyone: It’s Canada’s fault!
Sharon: Don’t blame me
For my son Stan
He saw the darn cartoon
And now he’s off to join the Klan!
Liane: And my boy Eric once
Had my picture on his shelf
But now when I see him he tells me to fuck myself!
Sheila: Well, blame Canada
Everyone: Blame Canada
It seems that everything’s gone wrong
Since Canada came along
Everyone: Blame Canada
Blame Canada
Copy Guy: They’re not even a real country anyway
Ms. McCormick: My son could’ve been a doctor or a lawyer, it’s a-true
Instead he burned up like a piggy on a barbecue
Everyone: Should we blame the matches?
Should we blame the fire?
Or the doctors who allowed him to expire?
Sheila: Heck no!
Everyone: Blame Canada
Blame Canada
Sheila: With all their hockey hubbabaloo
Liane: And that bitch Anne Murray too
Everyone: Blame Canada
Shame on Canada
The smut we must stop
The trash we must Bash
Laughter and fun
must all be undone
We must blame them and cause a fuss
Before somebody thinks of blaming uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuus

Futurama quotes – Part 4

Bender: “One of you will have to fill in for me while I’m gone.”
Professor Farnsworth: “Better yet, I’ll build someone to fill in for you.
Some kind of gamma-powered mechanical monsters with
freeway on-ramps for arms and a heart as black as coal…”

The boss: “Get a load of ball bearings on this guy.”

Bender: “You know the secret of traditional robot cooking? Start with a good
high-quality oil, then eat it.”

Leela: “Where were you at 10pm last night?”
Professor Farnsworth: “Where am I now?”

Bender: “Tell the Donbot I’m quitting organized crime. From now on I’ll stick
to the regular kind.”

Bender: “Hey, guess what you’re accessories to?”

Bender: “Like most of life’s problems, this one can be solved with bending.”

Dr. Zoidberg: “Look at me! I’m Dr. Zoidberg, home-owner!”

Bender: “Argh. The laws of science be a harsh mistress.”

Professor Farnsworth: “He may have ocean madness, but that’s no excuse for
ocean rudeness.”

Fry: “You know what I like best about you, Umbrielle? You find me
fascinating, even when I’m not claiming to be a jewel thief
or a lion tamer.”

Hermes: “The poor demented honky.”

Bender: “In the event of an emergency, my ass can be used as a floatation
device.”

Fry: “Hey, you guys, the most amazing thing happened, it’s two-for-one
Tuesday at Krispy Kreme! Plus there’s mermaids.”

Hermes: “I miss my wife and my oxygen.”
Professor Farnsworth: “Yes, we all miss our loved ones and gases.”

Amy: “What about Umbrielle?”
Fry: “Well, it turned out I loved her, but I wasn’t in love with her.”
Amy: “Trouble in bed.”

Hermes: “Hail, Atlanta.”

Professor: “Good news, everyone, the university is bringing me up on
disclipinary charges. Wait, that’s not good news at all.”

Dr. Zoidberg: “Now I’m not saying Professor Farnsworth is old, but if you
consider his age he’s likely to die soon.”

Dr. Zoidberg: “A successor to the professor?”

Hermes: “Up yours, Zoidberg. Up wherever your species traditionally crams
things.”

Bender: “Is he dumb or just ugly?”

Professor: “If a dog craps anywhere in the universe, you can bet I won’t be
out of loop.”

Professor: “Oh, vanity, thy name is Professor Farnsworth.”

Cubert: “Robots are very good at keeping secrets.”
Bender: “No, we’re not, you little bed-wetter. Oops, I’m sorry.”

Leela: “There it is, the near-death star.”

Cubert: “Why do I have to be the hump?”
Fry: “‘Cause you’re too ugly to be a wart.”

Leela: “We’ve blown out one of our engines.”
Fry: “Fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it… fix it, fix it, fix
it!”

Professor: “Good news, everyone. Several years ago I tried to log onto AOL, and
it just went through. Whee! We’re online.”

Fry: “Well, thanks to the internet I’m now bored with sex. Is ther a place
on the web that panders to my lust for violence?”
Bender: “Is the space-pope reptilian?”

Computer: “Leela, you’ve got mail. It’s not spam!”

Leela: “Are you real, or am I seeing single?”
Alcazar: “Ow. Of course I’m real.”
Leela: “After all this time, somebody else with one eye who isn’t a clumsy
carpenter or a kid with a BB gun.”

Alcazar: “I hope you don’t think less of me becuase I live in a giant
castle.”

Leela: “He’s crude and gross and he treats me like a slave.”
Fry: “Then dump his one-eyed ass.”

Alcazar: “Leela, this must all be very confusing.”
Leela: “A little. That’s why I’ve decided to hurt you until you explain it.”

Leela: “If you could change form, why didn’t you change it in the one place
that counts?”

Fry: “Hey, my girlfriend had one of those. Actually, it wasn’t her’s, it was
her dad’s. Actually, she wasn’t my girlfriend, she just lived next door and
never closed her curtains.”
Leela: “Fry, remember what I told you about always ending your stories a
sentence earlier?”

Bender: “Aw, I think I got whiplash.”
Leela: “You can’t have whiplash, you don’t have a neck.”
Bender: “I meant ass whiplash.”

Dr. Zoidberg: “It funny because it’s poisonous.”
Fry: “Yeah, keep laughing, brine shrimp.”

Fry: “I’m not prejudiced.”
Bender: “Ah, save it for the cross-burning, Adolf.”

Bob Barker: “Which one of these lovely womanoids will take home atomic tiara?”

Bob Barker: “I may be against the fur industry, but that won’t stop me from
skinning you alive… as long as no one wears the skin.”
Fry: “How can I live my life if I can’t tell good from evil?”
Bender: “Ah, they’re both fine choices, whatever floats your boat.”

“Are you all right?” -Leela
“Ah, it’s nothing a a law suit won’t cure.” -Bender

“Aw, poor baby, chipped a fang.” -Leela
“Hey, I got a busted ass here! I don’t see anyone kissing it.” -Bender
“All right, I’m coming.” -Zoidberg

“Just make a simple cake. And this time, if someone’s going to jump out of
it, make sure to put them in after you cook it.”
-Leela

“And so we say goodbye to our beloved pet, Nibbler, who’s gone to a place
where I too hope one day to go: the toilet.”
-Prof. Farnsworth

“Hey, you know what’d cheer you up? You should get yourself a puppy.” -Amy
“A puppy? Nibbler loved to eat puppies….” -Leela

“I love every living creature.” -Leela
“Even me?” -Fry
“As a friend.” -Leela

“Wow, so this is a real TV station, huh.” -Fry
“Well, it’s a Fox affiliate.” -TV worker guy
“What are you showing right now?” -Fry
“‘Single Female Lawyer.’ It’s the season finale. Wanna watch?” -TV worker
guy
“I dunno. That’s a chick show. I prefer programs of the genre, World’s
Blankiest Blank.” -Fry
“She is wearing the world’s shortiest skirt.” -TV worker guy
“I’m in.” -Fry

“Oh my god, you knocked Fox off the air!” -TV worker guy
“Like anyone on earth cares.” -Fry

Futurama quotes – Part 3

Professor: Being captain is about intuition and heart. A good
captain can’t have either one. That’s why cold, logical Bender
is perfect for the job.
Bender: Well, I do think of human life as expendable.

Paul: If rubbin’ frozen dirt in your crotch is wrong, hey,
I don’t wanna be right.

Give a hoot-o
Don’t pollute Pluto

Leela: Bender’s flying too low! And he’s upside-down!
Protestor: He must be talking on a cell-phone.

Paul: Good way to avoid frostbite, folks, put your hands between
your buttocks. That’s nature’s pocket.

Fry: Where’s Captain Bender? Off catastrophizing some other planet?

Paul: It seems dark-matter is nature’s sex drug. It’s like a perverted
trail mix of penguin estrogen, penguine Viagra and Spanish penguin fly.

Leela: Is there some way to keep them from breeding?
Paul: Cold showers don’t work on Antarctic creatures.

Leela: I’m sorry, but if it’s fun in any way it’s not environmentalism.
Paul: Oh, really? How about blowing up dams?

Bender: I don’t know why, but when I look down at their little faces
it makes me want to puke… in a good way.

Bender: If it ain’t black and white, peck, scratch and bite.

Bender: Life is hilariously cruel.

Professor: I’ve been a Harold Zoid fan since back when my
hips were made of bone.

Zoidberg: This letter has to be very personal, so I’m
writing it in my own ink.

Final Curtain
Old Actors’ Home

Star Tours
Note: bus does not leave earth

Calculon: I’m programmed to be very busy.

Zoidberg: That’s where I’m meeting Uncle Zoid for lunch to
discuss my Hollywood dream. The next time you see me, don’t
be surprised if I’ve eaten.

Zoidberg: Uncle Zoid, you’re looking young enough to be thrown back!

Calculon: An Oscar, you say? That would get me out of this festering
rats’ nest called television once and for all.

Calculon: I just pray they like me half as much as I do.

La Brea Tar Pits
As seen on the tar channel

Calculon: I’ve seen plagues that had better opening nights than this.

Oscar Party
No losers admitted

Champion Pet Show Today
Kids: See Toucan Sam’s death mask

Awards ceremony in progress
No pooping

Leela: Ah, maybe they’re right, maybe Nibbler is dumb.
Fry: Don’t listen to them, Leela. People said I was dumb but I proved them!

Fry: What are we going to do?
Professor: Duh, I know, let’s play the lottery.
Amy: No, let’s buy internet stock.
Zoidberg: On margin! Zoidbee wants to buy on margin.
Hermes: Look at me! I’m invisible.
Fry: Wait a minute, I know what’s going on here. You’ve all become idiots.
Bender: Hey, let’s go join the Reform party!
Everyone: Yeah!

Niblonian: They travel from world to world making everyone stupid in
order to wipe out all thought in the universe.
Leela: Wipe out all thought? My God, they’re like flying televisions.

Niblonian 1: You must tell him to disable it. We will do the rest.
Leela: You can count on me!
Niblonian 1: No we can’t. Once on Earth, you will be too stupid
to remember the message.
Niblonian 2: That’s why we wrote it down.
Niblonian 3: We’ve also prepared a bag lunch and some mittens.

Professor: Those delightful birds with their chirp chirp chirp
and their tweet tweet splat.

Professor: Some say I’m robbing the cradle but I say she’s robbing the grave.

Tonight’s special, blackened leftovers

Tonight’s special, blackened blackened leftovers

Bender: I finally meet a nice girl with a pair of legs
that don’t quite unexpectedly…

Robot Nite – Designated device drivers drink free

Got protoplasm?

Bender: I ain’t your loverboy Flexo, the guy you love so much.
You even love anybody pretending to be him!
Angleyne: Well, maybe I love you so much I love you no matter
who you’re pretending to be.
Bender: Oh, how I wish I could believe or understand that.

Professor: Perhaps it’s your outlook that need a good bend, a ninety
degree bend to a place where happiness is perpendicular to wonderment.

Zapp: There’s only one surefire way back into a woman’s heart and
parts beyond. I speak, of course, of Karaoke.

Zapp: She’s built like a steak house but she handles like a bistro.

Zapp: You win again, gravity!

Zoidberg: Muy macho. Hey, gringos, here comes El Zoido to ruin
your drinking water!

Bender: Oh… your… God.

Leela: Bender, maybe you can interface with the Femputer and
reprogram it to let them go.
Bender: Maybe you can interface with my ass… by biting it.

Zapp: The spirit is willing but the flesh is spongey and bruised.

Regular Matter, Dark Matter, Wassa Matter

Fry: It’s like a party in my mouth and everyone’s throwing up.

Janitor: Oh, marmalade!

Bender: He’s a witch!

Amy: Worms? Ew, pukatronic!

Professor: Anywho, your net suits will let you experience Fry’s
worm-infested bowels as if you were actually wriggling through them.
Zoidberg: There’s no part of that sentence I didn’t like.