Futurama quotes – Part 4

Bender: “One of you will have to fill in for me while I’m gone.”
Professor Farnsworth: “Better yet, I’ll build someone to fill in for you.
Some kind of gamma-powered mechanical monsters with
freeway on-ramps for arms and a heart as black as coal…”

The boss: “Get a load of ball bearings on this guy.”

Bender: “You know the secret of traditional robot cooking? Start with a good
high-quality oil, then eat it.”

Leela: “Where were you at 10pm last night?”
Professor Farnsworth: “Where am I now?”

Bender: “Tell the Donbot I’m quitting organized crime. From now on I’ll stick
to the regular kind.”

Bender: “Hey, guess what you’re accessories to?”

Bender: “Like most of life’s problems, this one can be solved with bending.”

Dr. Zoidberg: “Look at me! I’m Dr. Zoidberg, home-owner!”

Bender: “Argh. The laws of science be a harsh mistress.”

Professor Farnsworth: “He may have ocean madness, but that’s no excuse for
ocean rudeness.”

Fry: “You know what I like best about you, Umbrielle? You find me
fascinating, even when I’m not claiming to be a jewel thief
or a lion tamer.”

Hermes: “The poor demented honky.”

Bender: “In the event of an emergency, my ass can be used as a floatation

Fry: “Hey, you guys, the most amazing thing happened, it’s two-for-one
Tuesday at Krispy Kreme! Plus there’s mermaids.”

Hermes: “I miss my wife and my oxygen.”
Professor Farnsworth: “Yes, we all miss our loved ones and gases.”

Amy: “What about Umbrielle?”
Fry: “Well, it turned out I loved her, but I wasn’t in love with her.”
Amy: “Trouble in bed.”

Hermes: “Hail, Atlanta.”

Professor: “Good news, everyone, the university is bringing me up on
disclipinary charges. Wait, that’s not good news at all.”

Dr. Zoidberg: “Now I’m not saying Professor Farnsworth is old, but if you
consider his age he’s likely to die soon.”

Dr. Zoidberg: “A successor to the professor?”

Hermes: “Up yours, Zoidberg. Up wherever your species traditionally crams

Bender: “Is he dumb or just ugly?”

Professor: “If a dog craps anywhere in the universe, you can bet I won’t be
out of loop.”

Professor: “Oh, vanity, thy name is Professor Farnsworth.”

Cubert: “Robots are very good at keeping secrets.”
Bender: “No, we’re not, you little bed-wetter. Oops, I’m sorry.”

Leela: “There it is, the near-death star.”

Cubert: “Why do I have to be the hump?”
Fry: “‘Cause you’re too ugly to be a wart.”

Leela: “We’ve blown out one of our engines.”
Fry: “Fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it… fix it, fix it, fix

Professor: “Good news, everyone. Several years ago I tried to log onto AOL, and
it just went through. Whee! We’re online.”

Fry: “Well, thanks to the internet I’m now bored with sex. Is ther a place
on the web that panders to my lust for violence?”
Bender: “Is the space-pope reptilian?”

Computer: “Leela, you’ve got mail. It’s not spam!”

Leela: “Are you real, or am I seeing single?”
Alcazar: “Ow. Of course I’m real.”
Leela: “After all this time, somebody else with one eye who isn’t a clumsy
carpenter or a kid with a BB gun.”

Alcazar: “I hope you don’t think less of me becuase I live in a giant

Leela: “He’s crude and gross and he treats me like a slave.”
Fry: “Then dump his one-eyed ass.”

Alcazar: “Leela, this must all be very confusing.”
Leela: “A little. That’s why I’ve decided to hurt you until you explain it.”

Leela: “If you could change form, why didn’t you change it in the one place
that counts?”

Fry: “Hey, my girlfriend had one of those. Actually, it wasn’t her’s, it was
her dad’s. Actually, she wasn’t my girlfriend, she just lived next door and
never closed her curtains.”
Leela: “Fry, remember what I told you about always ending your stories a
sentence earlier?”

Bender: “Aw, I think I got whiplash.”
Leela: “You can’t have whiplash, you don’t have a neck.”
Bender: “I meant ass whiplash.”

Dr. Zoidberg: “It funny because it’s poisonous.”
Fry: “Yeah, keep laughing, brine shrimp.”

Fry: “I’m not prejudiced.”
Bender: “Ah, save it for the cross-burning, Adolf.”

Bob Barker: “Which one of these lovely womanoids will take home atomic tiara?”

Bob Barker: “I may be against the fur industry, but that won’t stop me from
skinning you alive… as long as no one wears the skin.”
Fry: “How can I live my life if I can’t tell good from evil?”
Bender: “Ah, they’re both fine choices, whatever floats your boat.”

“Are you all right?” -Leela
“Ah, it’s nothing a a law suit won’t cure.” -Bender

“Aw, poor baby, chipped a fang.” -Leela
“Hey, I got a busted ass here! I don’t see anyone kissing it.” -Bender
“All right, I’m coming.” -Zoidberg

“Just make a simple cake. And this time, if someone’s going to jump out of
it, make sure to put them in after you cook it.”

“And so we say goodbye to our beloved pet, Nibbler, who’s gone to a place
where I too hope one day to go: the toilet.”
-Prof. Farnsworth

“Hey, you know what’d cheer you up? You should get yourself a puppy.” -Amy
“A puppy? Nibbler loved to eat puppies….” -Leela

“I love every living creature.” -Leela
“Even me?” -Fry
“As a friend.” -Leela

“Wow, so this is a real TV station, huh.” -Fry
“Well, it’s a Fox affiliate.” -TV worker guy
“What are you showing right now?” -Fry
“‘Single Female Lawyer.’ It’s the season finale. Wanna watch?” -TV worker
“I dunno. That’s a chick show. I prefer programs of the genre, World’s
Blankiest Blank.” -Fry
“She is wearing the world’s shortiest skirt.” -TV worker guy
“I’m in.” -Fry

“Oh my god, you knocked Fox off the air!” -TV worker guy
“Like anyone on earth cares.” -Fry

Futurama quotes – Part 3

Professor: Being captain is about intuition and heart. A good
captain can’t have either one. That’s why cold, logical Bender
is perfect for the job.
Bender: Well, I do think of human life as expendable.

Paul: If rubbin’ frozen dirt in your crotch is wrong, hey,
I don’t wanna be right.

Give a hoot-o
Don’t pollute Pluto

Leela: Bender’s flying too low! And he’s upside-down!
Protestor: He must be talking on a cell-phone.

Paul: Good way to avoid frostbite, folks, put your hands between
your buttocks. That’s nature’s pocket.

Fry: Where’s Captain Bender? Off catastrophizing some other planet?

Paul: It seems dark-matter is nature’s sex drug. It’s like a perverted
trail mix of penguin estrogen, penguine Viagra and Spanish penguin fly.

Leela: Is there some way to keep them from breeding?
Paul: Cold showers don’t work on Antarctic creatures.

Leela: I’m sorry, but if it’s fun in any way it’s not environmentalism.
Paul: Oh, really? How about blowing up dams?

Bender: I don’t know why, but when I look down at their little faces
it makes me want to puke… in a good way.

Bender: If it ain’t black and white, peck, scratch and bite.

Bender: Life is hilariously cruel.

Professor: I’ve been a Harold Zoid fan since back when my
hips were made of bone.

Zoidberg: This letter has to be very personal, so I’m
writing it in my own ink.

Final Curtain
Old Actors’ Home

Star Tours
Note: bus does not leave earth

Calculon: I’m programmed to be very busy.

Zoidberg: That’s where I’m meeting Uncle Zoid for lunch to
discuss my Hollywood dream. The next time you see me, don’t
be surprised if I’ve eaten.

Zoidberg: Uncle Zoid, you’re looking young enough to be thrown back!

Calculon: An Oscar, you say? That would get me out of this festering
rats’ nest called television once and for all.

Calculon: I just pray they like me half as much as I do.

La Brea Tar Pits
As seen on the tar channel

Calculon: I’ve seen plagues that had better opening nights than this.

Oscar Party
No losers admitted

Champion Pet Show Today
Kids: See Toucan Sam’s death mask

Awards ceremony in progress
No pooping

Leela: Ah, maybe they’re right, maybe Nibbler is dumb.
Fry: Don’t listen to them, Leela. People said I was dumb but I proved them!

Fry: What are we going to do?
Professor: Duh, I know, let’s play the lottery.
Amy: No, let’s buy internet stock.
Zoidberg: On margin! Zoidbee wants to buy on margin.
Hermes: Look at me! I’m invisible.
Fry: Wait a minute, I know what’s going on here. You’ve all become idiots.
Bender: Hey, let’s go join the Reform party!
Everyone: Yeah!

Niblonian: They travel from world to world making everyone stupid in
order to wipe out all thought in the universe.
Leela: Wipe out all thought? My God, they’re like flying televisions.

Niblonian 1: You must tell him to disable it. We will do the rest.
Leela: You can count on me!
Niblonian 1: No we can’t. Once on Earth, you will be too stupid
to remember the message.
Niblonian 2: That’s why we wrote it down.
Niblonian 3: We’ve also prepared a bag lunch and some mittens.

Professor: Those delightful birds with their chirp chirp chirp
and their tweet tweet splat.

Professor: Some say I’m robbing the cradle but I say she’s robbing the grave.

Tonight’s special, blackened leftovers

Tonight’s special, blackened blackened leftovers

Bender: I finally meet a nice girl with a pair of legs
that don’t quite unexpectedly…

Robot Nite – Designated device drivers drink free

Got protoplasm?

Bender: I ain’t your loverboy Flexo, the guy you love so much.
You even love anybody pretending to be him!
Angleyne: Well, maybe I love you so much I love you no matter
who you’re pretending to be.
Bender: Oh, how I wish I could believe or understand that.

Professor: Perhaps it’s your outlook that need a good bend, a ninety
degree bend to a place where happiness is perpendicular to wonderment.

Zapp: There’s only one surefire way back into a woman’s heart and
parts beyond. I speak, of course, of Karaoke.

Zapp: She’s built like a steak house but she handles like a bistro.

Zapp: You win again, gravity!

Zoidberg: Muy macho. Hey, gringos, here comes El Zoido to ruin
your drinking water!

Bender: Oh… your… God.

Leela: Bender, maybe you can interface with the Femputer and
reprogram it to let them go.
Bender: Maybe you can interface with my ass… by biting it.

Zapp: The spirit is willing but the flesh is spongey and bruised.

Regular Matter, Dark Matter, Wassa Matter

Fry: It’s like a party in my mouth and everyone’s throwing up.

Janitor: Oh, marmalade!

Bender: He’s a witch!

Amy: Worms? Ew, pukatronic!

Professor: Anywho, your net suits will let you experience Fry’s
worm-infested bowels as if you were actually wriggling through them.
Zoidberg: There’s no part of that sentence I didn’t like.

Cartman quotes

Kevin: My waffle’s done! My waffle’s done!
Mrs. McCormick: Now, Kevin, we ain’t got enough for everybody. You have to split that with your brother.
Cartman: Oh, Jesus, are you fucking kidding me?

Cartman: Kenny’s family is so poor, they had to put their cardboard box up for a second mortgage.

Cartman: Yeah! I want Cheesy Poofs!

Cartman: Poor people tend to live in clusters.

Cartman:God has told me how to make 10 million dollars!
Stan: How?
Cartman: Boy band.
Stan: Boy band?
Cartman: Boy band.
Stan: I’m not being part of any faggy boy band.
Cartman: Theres nothing faggy about 10 million dollars, asshole.

Cartman: This is killing me. The human body was not meant to move quickly like that.

Mr. Garrison: Settle down, children. I have some difficult news. This is going to make you all very sad. The school board is considering firing me as your teacher. There’s a possibility that I’ll be let go and never allowed to teach you again. Yes, Stanley?
Stan: That’s okay with us.
Cartman: Yeah.
Stan: Yeah, that’s fine.
Mr. Garrison: No, it isn’t. It makes you very sad.

Cartman: The fireman is very magical. Rub his helmet and he spits in your eye.

Cartman (singing): Whenever I see Jesus up on that cross/I can’t help but think that he looks kinda’ hot.

Cartman: Well, Kyle, appreciate you being so open with me about this, but as we know, you have a warped perception of reality because you’re jewish.

Cartman: See, this is what we call an all-you-can-eat buffet. Here you can eat all you want for just $6.99. That’s why everyone comes here on Tuesday nights, except for Kenny’s family because for them, $6.99 is two year’s income.

Kyle: Does anybody know anything about corporations?
Cartman: I think my mom is a corporation.
Stan (sarcastically): Yeah, that makes sense.

Cartman: We’re never gonna’ get any candy if Kenny keeps eating people!

Kyle: Wait, isn’t there some rule about not getting into cars with strangers?
Cartman: No, not when money’s involved, stupid.

Cartman: What kind of side dishes will we be enjoying this evening with our frozen waffles?

Cartman: French people piss me off.

Cartman: I got my period.

Cartman: Kyle, you’re being a Negative Nancy.

Cartman: So, I am to understand that there will be no side dishes tonight?

Cartman: Ma’am, we’re having a Dude moment here if you don’t mind.

Stan: But it was right here!
Cartman: Stan, lay off the cough syrup dude, I’m worried about you man.

Cartman: Oh, this is a democratic boy band, is it?

Cartman: Am I to understand we will not be enjoying any side dishes with our frozen waffles?

Futurama quotes – Part 2

Leela: Hey, you know what might be a hoot?
Professor: No. Why would I know that?

Fry: I want to see the edge of the universe.
Amy: Ooh, that sounds cool.
Zoidberg: It’s funny. You live in the universe by you
never do these things ’til someone comes to visit.

Fry: So, there’s an infinite number of parallel universes?
Professor: No, just the two.
Fry: Oh, well, I’m sure that’s enough.

Handcrafters: New hands in about an hour
Fry: These new hands are great. I’m gonna break them in tonight.

Fry: I’ve only got two fantasies left: to be invisible in a
chocolate factory, and to be romantically linked to a celebrity.
Bender: I could pound your head ’til you think that’s what happened.
Fry: Okay.

nappster.com: Download any celebrity from A.A. Milne to Z.Z. Top

If food is not reasonably clean, return uneaten portion for partial refund

Brooklyn Aquarium, special exhibit: boids of da wattah

Professor: Oh, dear. She’s stuck in an infinite loop and he’s an idiot.
Well, that’s love for you.

Bender: Stay away from our women. You got metal fever, baby, metal fever!

Professor: I knew I should have shown him “Electro-Gonnorhea, the Noisy Killer.”

Lucy Liu: That was incredible, Bender. You’re like Jackie Chan
before he got all doughy.

Zapp: Now that’s a wave of destruction that’s easy on the eyes.

Leela: And nappster says illegal copies never hurt anybody.

Fry: Lucy Liu-bot, if I don’t survive the corn, I want you to know that I
love you as much as a man can love a computerized image of a gorgeous
celebrity, which it turns out is a lot.

Leela: Your face can take a lot of punishment. That’s good to know.
Fry: There’s a lot about my face you don’t know.

Professor: While you were gone the Trotters held a news conference
to announce that I was a jive sucker.

Marv Albert: He’s really showing us what a man with a cannon
in his chest can do.

Leela: I don’t know what you did, Fry, but once again you screwed
up. Now all the planets are gonna start crackin’ wise about our mommas.
Hermes: I’m just glad my fat ugly momma isn’t alive to see this day.

Bubblegum: Good lord, that sucker’s shakin’ around like
some fine imported booty.

Leela: Zoidberg!
Zoidberg: Sorry, you must have been boring.

Leela: I love his boyish charm, but I hate his childishness.

Fry: Drugs are for losers, and hypnosis is for losers with big weird eyebrows.

Fry: How did I get Leela to love me? I’ve got to figure it out.
Hermes: Maybe you’re just a fantastic lover, Fry.
Amy: No.

Professor: Doomsday device? Ah, now the ball’s in Farnsworth’s
court. I suppose I could part with one and still be feared.

Bubblegum: Bender, you can talk trash, you can handle the ball,
but look in your heart and ask yourself: are you funky
enough to be a Globe Trotter? Are you?
Bender: Yes.
Bubblegum: Are you?
Bender: I mean, with time, my funk level could…
Bubblegum: Are you?!
Bender: No.
Bubblegum: Deal with it.

Futurama is brought to you by Thompson’s Teeth, the
only teeth strong enough to eat other teeth.

Zoidberg: So many memories, so many strange fluids gushing out
of patients’ bodies….

Fry: Hey, I don’t see you planning for your old age.
Bender: I got plans. I’m gonna turn my on/off switch to off.

Roberto: Geez, I’ve seen lines move faster in a sperm bank.

Famous Original Ray’s Superior Court

Fry: I refuse to testify on the grounds that my organs will be
chopped up into a patty.
Judge Whitey: Ah, the sixty-seventh ammendment.

Fry: Ow, my head! Ow, my feet! Ow, my head! Ow, my feet!
Professor: Keep your chin up.
Fry: Ow, my chin!

HAL Institute for Criminally Insane Robots

Fry: You gotta help me, Bender. How can I prove I’m human?
Bender: You could drop dead. That’d show ’em.
Fry: I don’t wanna.

Fry: I’m not a robot like you. I don’t like having disks crammed
into me… unless they’re Oreos, and then only in the mouth.

Amy: Bender, you should be more ashamed of yourself than usual.

Fry: I must be a robot. Why else would human women refuse to date me?
Leela: Oh, lots of reasons.

Leela: Okay, this has gotta stop. I’m going to remind Fry of his
humanity the way only a woman can.
Professor: You’re going to do his laundry?

Amy: Aw, he looks like a little insane drunken angel.

Professor: Ouch! That’s going to bleed when my heart beats.

Fry: Mmm, the gristle in a blanket isn’t half bad.
Bender: And try one of these popsicle sticks. They’ve
absorbed quite a bit of flavor.

Leela: I guess you never really outgrow being an eyeball… oddball.

Adelai: A package is just a box until it’s delivered.

Fry: Hey, why are those kids following you? Do you have candy stuck to your ass?

One of Bender’s kids: Our dad is a giant toy!

One of Bender’s kids: Can we have Bender burgers again?
Bender: No, the cat shelter’s onto me.

Leela: Oh, Adelai, I’ve had a wonderful time today. No one’s stared
at me, or avoided staring at me, or tried to burn me. You make me
feel so not weird.

Fry: What’s so wonderful about Leela being normal? The rest of us
aren’t normal. And that’s what makes us great. Like Dr. Zoidberg. He’s
a weird monster who smells like he eats garbage and does.
Zoidberg: Damn right.
Fry: And the professor’s a senile amoral crackpot.
Professor: Oyeeaii. (waves)
Fry: Hermes is a Rastafarian accountant.
Hermes: Tally me banana.
Fry: Amy is a klutz from Mars.
Amy: Whoops. (drops her glass)
Professor: And Fry, you’ve got that brain thing.
Fry: I already did!

Futurama quotes – Part 1

Fry: “Maybe he has a parasite.”
Hermes: “Maybe he is a parasite.”

Bender to Zoidberg: “You’re looking less nuts, crabby.”

Leela: “It’s amazing that your people can fall in love so fast.”
Zoidberg: “Love? That word is unknown here. I’m simply looking for a female
swollen with eggs to accept my genetic material.”
Fry: “You and me both, brother.”

Fry: “Make up some feelings and tell her you have them. Yes?”
Zoidberg: “Is the desire to mate a feeling?”

Edna: “Excuse me, I’ve got to powder my mouth flaps.”

Edna: “Teach me to love you, squishy poet from beyond the stars.”
Fry: “I’m flattered, really. If I was gonna do it with a big freaky mud bug,
you’d be way up the list.”

Bender: Fry, of all the friends I’ve had, you’re the first.

Bender: I believe that qualifies as ill. At least from a technical

(talking to the Beastie Boys)
Fry: Wow. I love you guys. Back in the 20th century, I had all five of
your albums.
Ad-Rock: That was a thousand years ago. Now we got seven.
Fry: Cool. Can I borrow the new ones. And a couple of blank tapes?

Bender: Hey! What kind of party is this? There’s no booze and only one

Leela: Bender, why are you spending so much time in the bathroom? Are
you jacking on in there?

Professor Nerdstrom: Sit. I said sit! Bad fish!

Bender: OK, but I don’t want anyone thinking we’re robosexuals.

Bender: Oh no! Not the magnet!

Fry: What’s with the eye?

Farnsworth: Oh my God!!
Fry: What is it?
Farnsworth: It’s..It’s…It’s my new pager!

Leela: Now strip naked and get on the probulator.

Bender: Bite my shiny, metal ass!

Bender: Well I don’t have anything else planned for today, let’s get drunk!

Leela: Hold Still, I don’t have good depth perception!

Farnsworth: Oh no! I should do something….but i am already in my pajamas.

Bender: He’s gay.
Leela: How do you know?
Bender: I have this thing called gaydar.

Bender: Yeah, well I’m gonna build my own lunar space lander!
With blackjack aaaaannd Hookers! Actually, forget the space
lander, and the blackjack. Ahhhh forget the whole thing!

Bender: A woman like that you gotta romance first!

Cops: I’m going to get 24th Century on his ass!

Human female: “Next, New New York in crisis. Morbo?”
Morbo: “Thanks, human female. Puny Earthlings were shocked today
to learn that a ball of garbage will destroy their pathetic
city of New New York.”
Human female: “Makes me glad that we live here in Los Angeles.”
Morbo: “Morbo agrees.”

Human female: “All in all. This is one day that mitten the kitten will not
soon forget.”
Morbo: “Kittens give Morbo gas. In later news the city of New New
York is doomed. Blame rests with known human professor Hubert
Farnsworth and his tiny inferior brain.”

Human female: “And so with two weeks left in the campaign, the question
on everyone’s mind is, who will be the president of Earth?
Jack Johnson or bitter rival John Jackson.
Two terrific candidates, Morbo?”
Morbo: “All humans are vermin in the eyes of Morbo.”
Human female: “In other local news, disaster struck on Saturn’s moon of Titan
today, where titanium mine collapsed, trapping one thousand
robot workers. Unless something is done quickly the trapped
robots will be dead within 300 years. Sir, what rescue
operations are planned?”
Mine spokesman: “The plan is basically to pave over the area and get on with
our lives.”
Morbo: “The news of mine’s closing sent titanium prices sky

Morbo: “Morbo will now introduce tonights candidates. Puny human
number one, puny human number two and Morbo’s good friend
Richard Nixon.”
Nixon: “Hello Morbo. How’s the family?”
Morbo: “Belligerent and numerous.”
Nixon: “Good man, Nixon’s pro-war and pro-family.”

Morbo: “Morbo demands an answer to the following question. If you saw
a delicious candy in the hands of a small child. Would you
seize and consume it?”
John Jackson: “Unthinkable.”
Jack Johnson: “I wouldn’t think of it.”
Morbo: “What about you Mr. Nixon? I remind you. You are under of a
Nixon: “Question is vague. You don’t say what kind of candy and
whether anyone is watching. In anyway I certainly wouldn’t
harm the child.”

Human female: “The sheer drama of this election has driven voter turnout to
it’s highest level in centuries, six percent.”
Morbo: “Exit poll show evil underdog Richard Nixon trailing with
estimated zero votes.”
Human female: “The time is 7:59 and the robot polls are now opening. And
robot votes are now in. Nixon has won.”
Morbo: “Morbo congratulates our gargantuan cyborg president. May death
come quickly to his enemies.”

Human female: “The holiday season is time of celebration for most but it is
also the time to remember the tragic suffering of the less
Morbo: “Earthlings do not yet know the meaning of suffering.”
Human female: “Earlier today I visited the shelter for down-and-out robots.
Homeless robots too poor to afford even the basic alcohol they
need fuel their circuits. Is there anything sadder?
Only drowning puppies and there have to be a lot of them.”

More of Eric Cartman quotes

Cartman:: How ’bout we sing, ‘Kyle’s Mom is a stupid bitch’ in D Minor.

Cartman:: That movie has warped my fragile little mind.

Cartman:: I’m not fat. I’m big-boned.
Stan:: No, Jay Leno’s chin is big-boned. You are a big, fat ass.

Stan:: You can’t just show up to a Civil War re-enactment dressed up like General Lee, FatAss.
Cartman:: Oh really? I’m pretty sure I just did.

Cartman:: You know the feeling when the huge dump you just took shoots back up your ass?

Cartman:: Only three more hours, sea people. Only three more hours and you can take me away from this crappy goddamn planet full of hippies.

Cartman:: Okay, that does it! Why has everything today involved things either going in or coming out of my ass!?

Kindergartener #1:: This looks too tough. We’re going to play Harry Potter with the other kids.
Kindergartener #2:: Me too.
Cartman:: Fine. Go on and play ‘Harry Butthole Pussy Potter.’

Cartman:: Kyle, I swear to God, if I didn’t have a guy’s hand up my butt right now, I would leap across the room and kick you in the nuts.

Cartman:: Shut up Kyle! Shut your Goddamn’ Jew mouth! You’re the reason that there’s war in the Middle East.

Stan:: What does ‘fingerbang’ mean, anyway?
Cartman:: I saw it on HBO. I think it’s when you pretend to use your finger like it’s a gun or something.
Kenny:: [Mumbles]
Stan:: Kenny says that’s not what it means.
Cartman:: All right. Kenny. What does it mean?
Kenny:: [Mumbles]
Cartman:: Ugh. That’s sick. Why the hell would anyone want to do that?

Cartman:: Sticks and stones may break my bones but I’m Jesus.

Cartman:: Too bad drinking scotch isn’t a paying job or Kenny’s dad would be a millionare!

Butters:: We’re not Christian, we just pretended to be.
Cartman:: Remind me to cut your balls off when we get back.

Cartman:: Naw dude, Independent films are those black and white hippy movies. They’re always about gay cowboys eating pudding.

Cartman:: Don’t worry, Tweek. Your family can go on welfare. Kenny’s family’s on welafare and they’re happy, isn’t that right, Kenny?
Kenny:: Fuck you.

Cartman:: Dude, that is not cool! Chopping off wee-wee’s is not cool!

Cartman:: Well God, I guess you got me again, didn’t you? Yeah, that was a good one, God. Hope it made you laugh, you sick bastard.

Cartman:: I’m not fat, I just haven’t grown into my body yet you skinny bitch.

Cartman:: Oh, oh, Jesus. I was laughing so hard–the milk came out of my nose.
Stan:: Dude, you weren’t drinking any milk.
Cartman:: Huh?
Stan:: You have to be drinking milk for that to happen.
Cartman:: Not with me, man.

Cartman:: In the Ghetto! On a cold and gray Chicago morn, another baby child is born in the ghetto. In the ghetto!

Mr. Garrison:: Congratulations, Eric, on writing the award-winning paper.
Cartman:: Kick ass.
Stan:: That’s impossible. Cartman doesn’t know a rainforest from a Pot-Tart.
Cartman:: Yeah, I do. Pop-Tarts are frosted.

Cartman:: Think about it – it’s the easiest, crappiest music in the world, right? If we just sing about how much we love Jesus, all the Christians will buy our crap.”

Kyle:: [The boys are confronted by Afghan soldiers.] Uh, greetings from Canada. Well boys, it’s ‘aboot’ time we get back to our ‘hoose’ in Canada, isn’t it?
Cartman:: Hey, what the hell are you talking about? I’m not a Goddamn’ Canandian and neither are you.
Stan:: Cartman, you stupid asshole.

Cartman:: I was just layin’ down some rhymes, with the G-folk, you know, kickin’ it on the west siy-eede.
Kyle:: You live on the EAST side, Cartman.

Carman:: Why does this happen every month? It seems like right about the same time every month, Kyle’s mom gets a hair up her ass about something, and I always end up getting screwed by it.

Cartman:: Speilberg – Jew … Lucas – Jew … Kyle – Jew.

Stan:: OmiGod, you guys are not gonna believe what happened to me last night!
Cartman:: What? tell us!
Stan:: So, I’m watching the season premiere of ‘Boy Meets Boy’ on television, right, and then ‘Queer Eye For the Straight Guy’ comes on! So I fall asleep in front of the TV and when I wake up, I see that I’ve spilled the Coke I was drinking, ALL over my satin pajama top.
Cartman:: OmiGod! Are you serious? That was the cutest top ever!
Stan:: I know!
(Kenny mumbles)
Stan:: Oh, tell me about it Ken Doll.

Cartman:: Kenny’s family is so poor that yesterday they had to put their cardboard box up for a second mortgage.

Cartman:: Anyway Kenny, Yellow MegaMan is only $8.95, so maybe your mom can put it on layaway and make payments for a year or two.

Cartman:: You seem a little irritable, Kyle. You got some sand in your vagina?
Kyle:: There’s no sand in my vagina!

Eric Cartman quotes

Cartman: You so much as TOUCH kitty’s ass, and I’ll put a firecracker in your nutsack and blow your balls all over your pants.
Stan: Jesus, Cartman.
Cartman: Well, I’m just sayn’, man, seriously, don’t mess with kitty, man.

Mr. Garrison:: How would you like to go see the school counselor?
Cartman: How would you like to suck my balls?
Mr. Garrison:: What did you just say?!
Cartman: Oh, I’m sorry (Clears throat and pulls out megaphone), actually what I said was, “How would you like to suck my balls, Mr. Garrison?”

Cartman: It’s a man’s obligation to stick his boneration in a women’s separation; this sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation.

Kyle: Wow! That’s a lot of seamen, Cartman.
Cartman: Yeah, I bought all that I could at this bank, and then I got the rest from this guy Ralph in an alley.
Stan: That’s cool.
Cartman: Yeah, and the sweet thing is, the stupid asshole didn’t even charge me money for it. He just made me close my eyes and suck on a hose.

Cartman: I’ve learned something, too: selling out is sweet because when you sell out, you get to make a lot of money, and when you have money, you don’t have to hang out with a bunch of poor asses like you guys. Screw you guys, I’m going home.

Mr. Garrison:: Does anyone know what sexual harassment means?
Cartman: When you are tying to have intercourse with a special lady friend and some other guy comes up and tickles your balls from behind.

Cartman: Mom–Kitty is being a dildo.
Mrs. Cartman: Well, I know a little kitty who is sleeping with Mommy tonight.

Cartman: I would never let a woman kick my ass. If she tried something, I’d be like, HEY! You get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!

Cartman: Why is it that everything today has to do with things either going in or coming out of my ass?

Stan: I don’t want to shoot the bunny.
Uncle Jimbo: No nephew of mine is going to be a tree hugger.
Cartman: Yeah, hippie. Go back to Woodstock if you don’t wnat to shoot anything.

Chief Running Water: Your mother is what we Indians call, ‘Bear With Wide Canyon.’
Cartman: What do you mean?
CRW: She is ‘Doe Who Cannot Keep Legs Together.’
Cartman: Huh?
CRW: Your mom’s a slut.

Cartman: Handle it? For two billion dollars I could handle my Grandpa’s balls dude.

Cartman: Butters will give hand jobs in the corner for a dollar.
Butters: Sure! I’m good at all kinds of jobs.

Cartman: Respect My Authority!

Cartman: The poor kid passes it to the Jew, the Jew shoots. He misses! Proving once and for all that Jews cannot play hockey!
Kyle: Shut up Cartman! Your body is bigger than the goal!
Cartman: No, I just have a sweet hockey body.

Mr. Garrison:: Who was in charge of the feminist movement of the early ’60’s?
Cartman: A bunch of fat old skanks on their periods.
Mr. Garrison:: Right. But who was the fattest, oldest skank on her period?

Kyle: Cartman, you have such a fat ass, that when people walk down the street they go, ‘God damn, that’s a big, fat ass.’
Cartman: No, they don’t, you jealous weakling.
Passing Man: God damn, that’s a big fat ass.

Cartman: If some girl tried to kick my ass, I’d be like, ‘Hey. Why don’t you stop … dressing me like a mailman … uh, and making me dance for you … while you go and … smoke crack in your bedroom … and have sex with … some guy … I don’t even know. On my dad’s bed.
Stan: Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?
Cartman: I’m just saying you’re just a little wuss, that’s all.

Cartman: Well, I’ve been lickin’ this carpet for 3 whole hours and I don’t feel like a lesbian.

Cartman: Well, I looked in my mom’s closet and saw what I was getting for Christmas, an UltraVibe Pleasure 2000.

Cartman: You have rats in your house, too, Kenny?
Kenny: Mm-hm.
Cartman: Seriously, you better stop being so poor or else I’m gonna start huckin’ rocks at you.

Cartman: Okay, Token, give me a sweet bass line.
Token: I don’t know how to play the bass.
Cartman: Token, how many times do we have to go over this? You’re black. You can play the bass.
Token: I’m really tired of your racist views on this.
Cartman: Well then, get tired of them after you give me a bass line!
Token: (Plays the bass expertly) Oh, Goddammit.

Stan: The note (from Wendy) says to meet her at Stark’s Pond after school.
Kyle: Whoa, maybe you can kiss her.
Cartman: Or slip a little tongue.
Kenny: [mumbles] Or slide a finger up her pussy.
Kyle: I didn’t know she had a cat.

Cartman: Speaking of pounding ass, here come’s Stan’s little homo dog.

Cartman: I hate hippies! I mean, the way they always talk about “protectin’ the earth” and then drive around in cars that get poor gas mileage and wear those stupid bracelets – I hate ’em! I wanna kick ’em in the nuts!

Cartman: Alright. Look. I didn’t want to have to say this, but I think maybe we’re not seeing heaven because one of us doesn’t believe in it enough.
Kyle: Huh?
Cartman: Heaven could be like the pixie fairies of Bubblegum Forest. You only see them if you really believe in them.
Stan: What?
Cartman: You know, maybe we’re not seeing heaven because one of us is a J-O-O.
Kyle: What does me being a Jew have to do with anything?

Cartman: Now stop wasting Mel Gibson’s time, you little pussy prick.
Stan: Don’t take that tone with me, kid. I’ll kick your ass.
Cartman: Yah. Well, I’d like to see you try. I’m, like, 6 feet tall.
Stan: Yah. Well, you sound like a little bitch to me.
Cartman: Bitch! Don’t call me bitch, bitch!
Stan: Bring it on then, bitch!
Cartman: I already brung it, bitch. I brung it, opened it, and set it on the table, bitch.

Cartman: It’s an Afghanistan goat, so it can’t stay here, or else it’ll choke on the sweet air of freedom.

Cartman: Maury, I am out of control. Yeah, I use drugs. I can do what I waunt, biatch! Yeah, I have sex, and I don’t use protection! It’s my hot body; I’ll do what I waunt! I don’t go to school and I kill people! What-evah! I’ll do what I waunt!

Cartman: Hippies.They’re everywhere. They wanna save the earth, but all they do is smoke pot and smell bad.

Famous quotes by Homer Simpson

  • “Let us all bask in television’s warm glowing warming glow.”
  • “Beer. Now there’s a temporary solution.”
  • “And Lord, we are especially thankful for nuclear power,
    the cleanest, safest energy source there is. Except for solar, which
    is just a pipe dream.”  
  • “Because sometimes the only way you can feel good Simpsons
    brain about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I’m
    tired of making other people feel good about themselves!”
  • “Ah, good ol’ trustworthy beer. My love for you will never
  • “I want to share something with you: The three little sentences
    that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2:
    Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.”
  • “Quiet you kids. If I hear one more word, Bart doesn’t get
    to watch cartoons, and Lisa doesn’t get to go to college.”
  • “Don’t you ever, EVER talk that way about television.”
  • “Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong.
    Even though they say it’s okay in the bible.”
  • “No matter how good you are at something, there’s always
    about a million people better than you.”
  • “Marge, there’s an empty spot I’ve always had inside me.
    I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but
    those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer.”
  • “I’m not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So
    why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I’m going to
  • “When it comes to compliments, women are ravenous blood-sucking
    monsters always want’n more… more… MORE! And if you give it
    to them, you’ll get plenty back in return.”
  • “If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who
    can’t speak English.”
  • “Kids, kids. I’m not going to die. That only happens to bad
  • “Marge, I’m going to miss you so much. And it’s not just
    the sex. It’s also the food preparation.”
  • “Ah, TV respects me. It laughs with me, not at me!”
  • “Marge, I agree with you — in theory. In theory, communism
    works. Intheory.”
  • “You think I don’t want to? It’s those TV networks, Marge:
    they won’t let me. One quality show after another, each one fresher
    and more brilliant than the last. If they only stumbled once, just
    gave us thirty minutes to ourselves, but they won’t! They won’t
    let me live!”
  • “Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.”
  • “I want to shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I want
    to explore the world. I want to watch TV in a different time zone.
    I want to visit strange, exotic malls…I want to live, Marge! Won’t
    you let me live_?”
  • “I’ve always wondered if there was a god. And now I know
    there is — and it’s me.”
  • “Lisa honey, are you saying you’re never going to eat any
    animal again? What about bacon?”
  • “All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and
    there was no meat, I would say ‘Yo Goober! Where’s the meat!?’.
    I’m trying to impress people here Lisa. You don’t win friends with
  • ”To Start Press Any Key”. Where’s the ANY key?
  • “You can’t keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once,
    and move on.”
  • “Now, son, you don’t want to drink beer. That’s for daddies
    and kids with fake IDs.”
  • “English – Who needs that? I’m never going to England!”
  • “I think Mr. Smithers picked me for my motivational skills.
    Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!”
  • “Go ahead and play the blues if it’ll make you happy.”
  • “I have feelings too – like ”My stomach hurts” or ”I’m
    going crazy!”

Even more quotes by Homer Simpson

  • “Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything,
    Kent. 14% of people know that.”
  • “Don’t worry, son. I’m sure he’s up in heaven right now laughing
    it up with all the other celebrities: John Dilinger, Ty Cobb, Joseph
    Stalin.” (on death of cat).
  • “And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides,
    every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of
    my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and
    I forgot how to drive?”
  • “I won’t sleep in the same bed with a woman who thinks I’m
    lazy! I’m going right downstairs, unfold the couch, unroll the sleeping
    ba- uh, goodnight.”
  • “It’s like something out of that twilighty show about that
  • “Yes, honey…Just squeeze your rage up into a bitter little
    ball and release it at an appropriate time, like that day I hit
    the referee with the whiskey bottle.”
  • “OK, son. Just remember to have fun out there today, and
    if you lose, I’LL KILL YOU!”
  • “Me lose brain? Uh, oh! Ha ha ha! Why I laugh?”
  • “Kids, kids. As far as Daddy’s concerned, you’re both potential
  • “No! No no no no no no! Well, yes.”
  • “Ah, beer, my one weakness. My achilles heel, if you will.”
  • “Well, I’m tired of being a wannabe league bowler. I wanna
    be a league bowler!”
  • “They have the Internet on computers, now?”
  • “Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything
    that’s even remotely true!”
  • “When I look at the smiles on all the children’s faces,,…I
    just know they’re about to jab me with something.”
  • “Son, this is the only time I’m ever gonna say this. It is
    not okay to lose.”
  • “Well you know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women.
    You just have to read the manual and press the right button.”
  • “If something is to hard to do, then it’s not worth doing.
  • “Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You”
  • “All right, let’s not panic. I’ll make the money by selling
    one of my livers. I can get by with one.”
  • “Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me
    the woman – and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally
    wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort
  • “Operator! Give me the number for 911!”
  • “Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?”
  • “Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn’t,
    it’s that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling
    and foxy boxing and such and such.”
  • “Aw, Dad, you’ve done a lot of great things, but you’re a
    very old man, and old people are useless.”
  • “It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child,
    but somehow I managed to squeeze in 8 hours of TV a day.”
  • “Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you’re
    prejudiced against all races.”
  • “Here’s to alcohol: the source of, and answer to, all of
    life’s problems.”
  • “I’m having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to
    not going to Church!”
  • “If this were really a nuclear war we’d all be dead meat
    by now.”

Homer Simpson quotes

  • “Bart, with $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy
    all kinds of useful things like…love!”
  • “Unfortunately, son, we Simpsons sometimes have to bend
    the rules a little in order to hold our own.”
  • “Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first
    time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way
    it is. So here’s the deal: You freeze everything the way it is,
    and I won’t ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give
    me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this
    offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you,
    give me no sign. Thy will be done.”
  • “The strong must protect the sweet”
  • “Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without
  • “Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look
    good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you
    can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!”
  • “Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.”
  • “Remember as far as anyone knows, we’re a nice normal
  • “I know what you’re saying, Bart. When I was young, I wanted
    an electric football machine more than anything else in the world,
    and my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of
    my life. Well, goodnight.”
  • “Your lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you
    or I, many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I worked
    alongside them, gone bowling with them, watched them pass me over
    for promotions time and again. And I say… This stinks!”
  • “D’oh!!!”
  • “That’s it! You people have stood in my way long enough.
    I’m going to clown college!”
  • “You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson
    is ‘never try’.”
  • “God bless those pagans.”
  • “I’m in a place where I don’t know where I am!”
  • “I am so smart, I am so smart, s-m-r-t….I mean s-m-A-r-t.”
  • “Oh, everything’s too damned expensive these days. This
    Bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody’s
    a sinner! Except this guy.”
  • “Mmmm, free goo.”
  • “It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled
    child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.”
  • “I can’t believe it! Reading and writing actually paid
  • “Don’t let Krusty’s death get you down, boy. People die
    all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow!
    Well, good night
  • “Yeah Moe that team sure did suck last night. They just
    plain sucked! I’ve seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest
    bunch of sucks that ever sucked!”
  • “Ha ha! Look at this country! ? R U Gay!? Ha ha!”
    (looking at Uruguay on the globe).
  • “Don’t mess with the dead, boy, they have eerie powers.”
  • “Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do?”
  • “If you really want something in this life, you have to
    work for it – Now quiet, they’re about to announce the lottery
  • “Relax. What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never
  • “Good drink… good meat… good God, let’s eat!”
  • “Lord help me, I’m just not that bright.”
  • “What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is
  • “Now go on, boy, and pay attention. Because if you do,
    someday, you may achieve something that we Simpsons have dreamed
    about for generations: You may outsmart someone!”
  • “I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before
    he invented the light bulb.”
  • “Beer. Now there’s a temporary solution.”
  • “Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy’s
    piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough
    to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure…not
    even close.”
  • “Kill myself? Killing myself is the last thing I’d ever
    do. Now I have a purpose, a reason to live. I don’t care who I
    have to face, I don’t care who I have to fight, I will not rest
    until this street gets a stop sign!”
  • “If they think I’m going to stop at that stop sign, they’re
    sadly mistaken!”
  • “Unlike most of you, I am not a nut.”
  • “Safety? But sir! If truth be known, I actually caused
    more accidents around here than any other employee, including
    a few doozies no one every found out about.”
  • “No, no, no, Lisa. If adults don’t like their jobs, they
    don’t go on strike. They just go in every day and do it really
  • “Simpson-Homer Simpson, he’s the greatest guy in his-tor-y.
    From the town of Springfield, he’s about to hit a chestnut tree….D’oh!”
    (sung to the air of Flintstones theme song)
  • “Ignore the boy, Lord.”
  • “Dear Lord, thank You for this microwave bounty, even
    though we don’t deserve it. I mean… our kids are uncontrollable
    hellions! Pardon my French… but they act like savages! Did You
    see them at the picnic? Oh, of course You did… You’re everywhere,
    You’re omnivorous. Oh Lord! Why did You spite me with this family?”
  • “You know Moe, my mom once said something that really
    stuck with me. She said, `Homer, you’re a big disappointment’,
    and God bless her soul, she was really onto something.”
  • “When will I learn? The answer to life’s problems aren’t
    at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!”
  • “Trying is the first step towards failure.”
  • “America’s health care system is second only to Japan…
    Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, … well all of Europe. But you
    can thank your lucky stars we don’t live in Paraguay!”
  • “What’s the point of going out, we’re just going to end
    up back here anyway?”
  • “Don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them.”
    (to aliens who abducted Simpson family)
  • “I like my beer cold…my TV loud…and my homosexuals
  • “The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach
    a boy to be a man. Let’s see. Don’t tattle. Always make fun of
    those different from you. Never say anything, unless you’re sure
    everyone feels exactly the same way you do.”
  • “I think the saddest day of my life was when I realised
    I could beat my Dad at most things, and Bart experienced that
    at the age of four.”
  • “And there’s nothing wrong with hitting someone when his
    back is turned.”
  • “Being popular is the most important thing in the world!”
  • “Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated
    and studied so that it can be determined what nutrients they have
    that might be extracted for our personal use.”
  • “Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of
    that alligator biting that woman’s bottom? That’s right, we all
    thought it was hilarious. But it turns out we were wrong. That
    alligator was sexually harrassing that woman.”