He does not have a FAT BEER GUT – He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
He is not a CRAP DANCER – He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME – He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
He does not SLEEP AROUND – He is HORIZONTALLY OVER-GENEROUS.
He is not BALDING – He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER – He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK – He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG – He is a SWINE EMPATHIZING BIGOT.
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT – He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
He does not STINK – He has HYGIENE AVERSION SYNDROME.
He is not a GROPING PERVERT – He suffers from COMPULSIVE HAND MOVEMENT DISORDER.
He is not OBSESSED WITH TELEVISED SPORTS – He has AN ATHLETIC TELEVISUAL ADDICTION.
He does not IGNORE YOU – He has ATTENTION SPAN DEFICIT DISORDER.
He is not a LAZY, MESSY SLOB – He LACKS HAND-VACUUM COORDINATION.
He does not tell ENDLESS, BORING, UNFUNNY JOKES – He is HUMORLY OVER-CONFIDENT.
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS – He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.