– Hello are you there?
– Yes, who are you, please?
– Watt
– What’s your name?
– What’s my name.
– Yes, what is your name?
– My name is John Watt.
– John what?
– Yes.
– ???? I’ll call you again.
– All right. Are you Jones?
– No, I’m Knott.
– Will you tell me your name then?
– Will Knott.
– Why not?
– My name’s Knott.
– Not what?
– Not Watt, Knott!
– What…
Actual excuse notes written by parents
These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by Nisheeth Parekh, University Texas Medical Branch @ Galveston…
My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31,32, and also 33.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the shits. [words were crossed out in the ( )’s]
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wear.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
Male and female stages of life
The male stages of life:
Age. Seduction lines.
17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My second wife is dead.
Age. Favorite sport.
17 Sex.
25 Sex.
35 Sex.
48 Sex.
66 Napping.
Age. Definiton of a successful date.
17 Tongue.
25 Breakfast.
35 She didn’t set back my therapy.
48 I didn’t have to meet her kids.
66 Got home alive.
– The female stages of life:
Age. Favourite fantasy.
17 Tall, dark and hansome.
25 Tall, dark and hansome with money.
35 Tall, dark and hansome with money and a brain.
48 A man with hair.
66 A man.
Age. Ideal date.
17 He offers to pay.
25 He pays.
35 He cooks breakfast next morning.
48 He cooks breakfast next morning for the kids.
66 He can chew his breakfast.
Weird job interview answers
Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to described their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees:
* A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
* Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to both the
interviewer and the music at the same time.
* Candidate fell and broke his arm.
* Candidate announced she had not had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger
and French fries in the interviewers’ office.
* Candidate explained that her long-term goals were to replace the interviewer.
* Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
* Balding candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.
* Applicant said if he was hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having
the corporate logo tattooed to his forearm.
* Applicant interrupted the interview to phone her therapist for advice on how
to answer specific interview questions.
* Candidate brought large dog to interview.
* Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.
* Candidate dozed off during interview.
Books you’ve never read
1) A Guide to Arab Democracies
2) A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman
3) Amelia Earhart’s Guide to the Pacific Ocean
4) Career Opportunities for History Majors
5) Contraception by Pope John Paul II
6) Detroit – A Travel Guide (with a forward by H. Mainhardt)
7) Different Ways to Spell “BOB”
8) Dr. Kevorkian’s Collection of Motivational Speeches
9) Easy UNIX
10) Canadian Tips on World Dominance
11) Everything Men Know About Women
12) French Hospitality
13) Bob Dole: The Wild Years
14) How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
15) Mike Tyson’s Guide to Dating Etiquette
16) Mormon Divorce Lawyers
17) Popular Lawyers
18) Staple Your Way to Success
19) Tasty Bile Recipes
20) The Amish Phone Book
21) Gypsy Sports Heroes
22) Gourmet Recipes From Michigan
23) Chic Mormon Hairstyles
24) Remarkable Texans
25) Around the World in a Peugeot
26) Fat-free German Cooking
27) English Tanning Secrets
28) The Charm of the South
29) Swiss Beaches- A Guide
30) Spicy Irish Cooking
31) Brilliant Spanish Military Campaigns
32) Great Cars of Russia
33) Advances in Chinese Human Rights
34) Investing – The Albanian Way
Beatles – Yesterday (lyrics)
Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly,
There’s not half the files there used to be,
And there’s a milestone hanging over me
The Windows crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong
What it was I couldn’t say.
Now all my data’s gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.
What newspapers America reads
1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to run the country.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don’t understand the Washington Post.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the country, if they could spare the time.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren’t too sure who’s running the country.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don’t care who’s running the country, as long as they do something scandalous.
9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren’t sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it.
10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country.
The famous quotes
“Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.” (Popular Mechanics, 1949)
“Will the last one out, please turn off the lights.” (Seattle billboard, 1970, after Boeing had a massive layoff)
“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” (Thomas Watson, Chairman of IBM, 1943)
“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” (Ken Olson, Founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977)
“640K ought to be enough for anybody.” (Bill Gates, 1981)
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.” (Stephen Wright – I just liked this one)
“Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?” (H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927)
“We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.”(Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.)
“Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.” (Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.)
“Everything that can be invented has been invented.” (Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.)
Why did chicken cross the road?
VICE PRESIDENT GORE
I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the chickens right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road! I will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them. When I am in the White House, that will be my NUMBER ONE PRIORITY.
GOVERNOR GEORGE W. BUSH
I don’t believe we need to get the chickens across the road. I say give the road to the chickens and let them decide. The government needs to let go of strangling the chickens so they can get across the road.
SENATOR LIEBERMAN
I believe that every chicken has the right to worship their God in their own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey and no chicken should be denied the right to cross the road in their own way.
SECRETARY CHENEY
Chickens are big-time because they have wings. They could fly if they wanted to. Chickens don’t want to cross the road. They don’t need help crossing the road. In fact, I’m not interested in crossing the road myself.
RALPH NADER
Chickens are misled into believing there is a road by the evil tiremakers. Chickens aren’t ignorant, but our society pays tiremakers to create the need for these roads and then lures chickens into believing there is an advantage to crossing them. Down with the roads, up with chickens.
PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by “chicken”? Could you define “chicken” please?
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross without >> > having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.
EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken really cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed, I’ve not been told!
FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.